THE SCOTCH BABE

barney4001

A Scotchman is drinking in a Sydney hotel bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just delivered a typical Scottish baby
boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scotchman
just shrugs, "That's about average in Scotland, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical
Scotch baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"
were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotchman returns to the hotel bar.

The barman says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scotch baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. We were gonna call you. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scotch father takes a slow swig from his Scotch Ale, wipes his lips on his shirt
sleeve, leans towards the barman and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

barney4001

EDMOR was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, ' but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

She was impressed and requested his business card, then three days later became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!

barney4001

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, ... I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you ... for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any-more; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

barney4001

Police arrested Patrick R, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Maple Ridge in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. R, will be charged

with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Maple Ridge courthouse next Monday.


The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a local pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and

squishy inside, and there was no one around here. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

R, went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a

hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident

embarrassment.

In the process, R, apparently failed to notice the police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until constable Brenda Taylor

approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said constable Taylor. "I walked up to (Mr R) and he's...just working away at this umpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached R.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

jackiebaron

barney4001 wrote: »

A Scotchman is drinking in a Sydney hotel bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just delivered a typical Scottish baby
boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scotchman
just shrugs, "That's about average in Scotland, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical
Scotch baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"
were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotchman returns to the hotel bar.

The barman says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scotch baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. We were gonna call you. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scotch father takes a slow swig from his Scotch Ale, wipes his lips on his shirt
sleeve, leans towards the barman and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

What in the name of blue fuck is a "Scotch" man?

randylonghorn

jackiebaron wrote: »

What in the name of blue fuck is a "Scotch" man?

A man who likes Scotch ...