How to deal with my jealousy

LegacyUser

My partner and I have been together for a number of years. A while back, we went through a very difficult period and broke up for a number of reasons. At the time, we both thought it was a permanent thing. It turned out to be a great decision, as we both went away and sorted out some personal issues that had been the root of many of our problems. During this time, we stayed in touch and occasionally met for a quick coffee. After several months had passed, it became apparent that the attraction was still there. Our meetings went from friendly-but-guarded to much more intimate. We began to talk about "us" again, and what might have been. Eventually, we decided to very, very slowly try things again. A couple of months later, we officially became a couple again and have been extremely happy since.

However, I found out a while back that he was seeing someone else when we were broken up. I was far from celibate myself, and wasn't bothered about it because I assumed it was just a fling. But I recently discovered that it was much more serious than a fling - it was a proper relationship. He ended things with her when we got back together. He has assured me that his feelings for her were never close to what he feels for me. We regularly discuss our future, and I know he wants to marry me and have children with me. I don't doubt for a minute that he loves me, and that we have something very special.

Now, the problem lies in the fact that we live a couple of hours apart. Our circumstances are fixed like this for at least another year. We are both busy professionals, so we don't get to spend a huge amount of time together. But the girl he was seeing works in the same place as him. They have the same friends in his town. Whether he wants to or not, they see each other quite a bit. And for a variety of reasons, I suspect that she is not over him at all, and would quite happily get back together with him. He doesn't feel the same. He has told me in a dozen different ways that he no longer has any interest in her. Yet I cannot shake strong feelings of jealousy. I worry that proximity alone will make him choose her - it's much easier to be in a relationship with a neighbour than someone 2 hours away. I know full well that I am being completely irrational and I have no reason to be jealous, but I cannot stop the paranoia. It has resulted in several fights recently. I know I MUST stop this behaviour, and have promised him that I will.

So here I am. The point of this post is to ask for advice on how to banish those jealousies and worries once and for all. Like I said, rationally I know it's me he wants, but I cannot remain rational once the feelings and thoughts grab hold. So please, any and all advice in welcomed.

gypsy_rose

Jealousy is NOT easy to get over, I know how you feel OP.

But it is true that he chose you. He was in a relationship with her but still broke up with her and went out with her because he always held a torch for you and he loves you.

Why don't you believe him? This other woman may work near him, may want him back, but he doesn't want to do that.

He loves you, and just because there's an easy proximity to another woman there it doesn't mean he's going to go for it, he's lost you once and got you back, I doubt very much he would risk losing you again.

I'm glad to hear you will be able to live closer together in a year, it really isn't too long to wait, and after that you won't have to worry about that other woman anymore.

Do you get jealous at other times too? I do, I went mad at my bf at the start of our relationship just because he was talking to two girls at a party, but I think I'm getting a lot better now, he's earned my trust over time. I still get the twinge, but I tell myself it's just because he's a friendly person and not because he's going to do anything, and I know that is true.

Yours is not an easy situation to deal with and I know most people would feel jealous in your position too, but tell yourself that you trust him and nothing is going to happen with them, because chances are it won't.

I think it's a little strange you only found out about the relationship now though, surely when you got back together you told each other about the other people you'd got with?

But back on point. Sometimes when I'm feeling really insecure I read texts etc that my bf has sent me which reassure me that's everything's OK with us and that he loves me and noone else. I know that sounds a bit mad, but it does work.

Oh and one final thing. It's a good thing to come on here and ask for advice I think, but I have found over and over again that when you tell friends about things like this they will always give you the most negative outlook possible, I don't know why, but it always blows things up ten times more in your head.

Good luck