Becomming the "other" guy

El Nero

I recently started seeing a girl who is currently in a long term relationship. I know this is not the right thing to do but when you really like someone it's hard to resist.

I am being faced with many moral dilemmas here and am in general just plain confused. I really like her & would give up my easy bachelor lifestyle for her but at the same time I am not naive. I know it would not work as I would always be wondering if I could trust her & most people need time to themselves after a long term relationship in order to see what they really want, if she just went from one relationship to the other it would never work.

I know what the answer should be, but the problem is I like her too much to admit it. I ask myself, do I not owe it to myself to fight & find out if it could work? Have many people been in the same situation & found the love of their life?

I ask you, what should I do?
Have many people been in the same situation before & how has it turned out?

I am a friend

Well I am sure it can work but op, like you, I would struggle to trust under these circumstances.

I can see his you can fall for someone and sometimes unfortunately that happens while in a relation BUT it's there and then that you should make the cut and move on to be with the new person. You don't take the cowards way out and use 2 people at the same time. Tbh, no matter how much I liked her, the fact that she didn't like me enough to dump her bf for me would say it all.. She is happy to have her cake and eat it, use you and cheat on her bf - doesn't make her sound like much of a catch.

Ickle Magoo

I have to agree with the other posters - if she felt as strongly as you did then it wouldn't be an issue because she'd have ended her relationship in order to be in a relationship with you...and thus avoid you and your relationship suffering from all the dilemmas you are currently going through. I'd be wary that the forbidden fruit aspect isn't making the prospect of a clandestine relationship with this women seem much more appealing than the reality will ever be.

I think rather than owing it to yourself to fight for a relationship you know really has no future entirely due to the fact this women is willing to cheat on her current partner, you have a right to spare your own feelings if you get attached and she ends things - and wasting all the time and energy you'll spend wrestling with the moral implications...and all for somebody who doesn't think you are worth having an above-board relationship with. I think you should walk away now and save yourself a whole heap of heartache.

All the best.

El Nero

Well it has literally just started & we have not had the conversation around the overall situation yet. We are most likely just avoiding this & enjoying the honeymoon period.

I am taking this advice on board though & you have both made some good points but as you can see I am finding it hard to admit it to myself.

I am a friend

Well relationships are hard enough. Why not tell her how much you like her but tell her you will only start to see her when she is single....

El Nero

Good point.

I think it can only go one way or another & as much as I like her I won't be ruled by emotions.

I think I will enjoy this for a little while longer & then force it to go one way or another, nice & early to avoid heart break.

Thanks for advice guys, I appreciate the honesty & directness, lord knows I needed it!

I am a friend

Op I think you should stop seeing her now. deceit like that is bad for your head and v bad karma

El Nero

sunflower27 wrote: »

Just be careful, you are obviously smitten. The longer you enjoy this honeymoon period, the more you are likely to fall for her.

Say she decides she won't leave the bf and ends it when you ask her what is going on. She's sorted and you are out on your own. Just maybe keep that in mind.

The moral brigade hat on - there is a guy out there that has no idea his gf is cheating on him. Maybe also think how you feel if you found out that was ever happening to you. It may help you get a bit more perspective as well.

Good point,

Maybe ask the question now rather then make matters worse for myself.

As for her boyfriend, for one reason or another I don't care. I don't know the guy, hes not a friend & am never going to take his feelings in to account. Admittedly that makes me sound very harsh & selfish but I have always been under the opinion that if your other half cheats on you then it is their fault, solely as it is up to them to say no, not the single person involved.

Emme

El Nero wrote: »

I recently started seeing a girl who is currently in a long term relationship. I know this is not the right thing to do but when you really like someone it's hard to resist.

I pity her boyfriend.

To be honest OP I don't think you'd be interested in her if she were genuinely available. Deep down you know she probably won't leave her bf for you. There are plenty of girls out there who are single and available. Why aren't you going for some of them? Also if you were in a relationship would you like it if your gf was cheating on you with somebody else?

funloving

have you expressed your feelings to this girl? maybe she thinks it's only sex with no strings attached for you.

If she has the real scenario she will be able to make a choice and imo it's not said she would cheat on you as a person can cheat for different reasons and maybe she is not happy in the relationship she is in now and that's it.

Kadongy

"In marriage, the greater cuckold of the two is the lover"

On an animal level there is something sexual about this situation from your point of view. On an animal level you get to reproduce for free - someone else's resources are used to raise the child. So whether people like it or are in touch with it in themselves, there is a base attraction to doing what you're doing.

But you're not being nice or fair to yourself by accepting this position. You're not just a base animal and your emotions are going to get battered to bits by this person. Her cheating is her responsibility at the end of the day, so the moral implications of your actions are secondary to this imo. She's not a good person. You should have nothing to do with that sort of person. Disgust with the person she really is needs to override carnal instincts.

Distorted

I think its far easier to have a long term relationship with someone with good morals and principles who shares the same (high) values as yourself. Hence I tend to rule out cheaters, abusers, the obnoxious, etc.. You are contemplating a relationship and future with a known cheater, which seems an odd choice to make. It might be that you are attracted to less conventional things than many people in relationships, but at least be aware that such a choice is at high risk to make your life more complicated in the future.

Mmmoments

Too shaky a foundation for anything secure or trustworthy.

And 1 too many involved