A horrible living situation.

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone,

I've been living with my boyfriend for 6 months and up until recently it has all been great. His brother moved in recently and he has been nothing but causing trouble. he has been verbally abusing my boyfriend any chance he gets for no reason....says he doesn't care who hears him(me and my family when they call me) and he is very very loud and viscious with his words. My boyfriend is a quiet person who works 9 to 5 and lives a normal life, he does not do anything to be spoken to like he is a piece of dirt...even his choice of household purchases is critised and he is called cheap and inconsiderate. Last night I went to bed shaken and firghtened because the brother freaked out over being asked by my boyfriend what he does when he is up until 4/5am in the morning. A simple question can make war.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about this before,about how frightened and stressed out over this I am. He says there is nothing he can do about it because his brother won't change....I understand that but it is really affecting our relationship. I have told my boyfriend I am moving out because I cannot mentally take it anymore. Im not that strong and conflict firghtenes me...I'm an only child and never had a sibling to bicker with but I know for sure this is not a normal brother/brother realtionship.

I just want to know what you guys think really? I understand my boyfriend being incapable of doing anything about this because his bro is actually impossible but is it fair that the only solution to make our realtionship work is for me to bite the bullet and leave? I hate that I am letting his brother affect us but I have tried so many times to ignore it and I simply can't. I am constantly worried about what will happen when I get home in the evening. My boyfriend won't speak to him about his actions.... I feel like I have to move out but is a realtionship going to work if we always have this strain in our lives? Bear in mind my boyfriend is 28 and his bro 26....I'm also getting fustrated with the immaturity of it all . I'd really appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading

Chinafoot

Why, why, why is his brother living with you both?

You shouldn't have to leave the home you have made with your boyfriend. The brother should be the one to leave. I've never understood people who move out of the family home only to live with a sibling, and thats usully siblings that can get along together. I most certainly wouldn't be happy about a younger sibling moving in with me when I'm not living with my OH all that long.

Your boyfriend needs to find his spine and tell the brother he has to leave. Why is he letting this little shít treat him like that in his own home? The fact that his brother is 'impossible' doesn't mean your boyfriend can't do anything to fix this situation. He can. He can tell him to get his stuff and get the f**k out.

If your boyfriend refuses to stand up for you, your home and your relationship then yes, you should move out. It might the kick up the arse your boyfriend needs to stop letting this little git trample all over him.

I get that this is frightening for you and I'm not saying it's ok.

But by the end of the first paragraph I knew you were an only child. Some siblings get along, some siblings bicker, and some siblings live in a warzone with each other. Myself and my sister are like that, there isn't a second of the day that we get on with each other (I'm the docile one, she's the aggressive one, but sometimes things get so tense that it ends up in a screaming match with both of us).

I might be wrong, but the brother has never actually fought with you has he? It's always directed to your boyfriend. If I were you, I'd take comfort in knowing I wasn't a part of any of the conflict, tell my boyfriend that I'm completely uncomfortable with the situation to the point of moving out, and if things weren't going to get sorted out, I'd move. You can't expect the dynamic of the sibling relationship to change for your sake, but you can hope that your boyfriend will at least separate you from having to be around it.

Mister Dread

I'm going to have to stop reading personal issues. Half the posts just do my head in. The problem and solution is clear as day so why do you need us to spell it out.

Problem: Couple living with brother
Solution: Couple stop living with brother.

I am a friend

Mister Dread wrote: »

I'm going to have to stop reading personal issues. Half the posts just do my head in. .

:rolleyes: well sure don't read it so...

Op, how did the brother end up living with ye? Had you any say into that?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys everyone.

The reason he is with us is because he was at a loose end and we both didn't want to see him in trouble obviously....family is family and they help each other out, despite my personal issues with his behaviour in the past. Unfortunatly he doesn't seem to want to go anywhere and my boyfriend just doesn't want to confront him.

He is not personally attacking me but I love my boyfriend enough to not want to see him hurt. He is aggressive enough for me to be afraid of him though .... he even called his mother a 'c**t' once so if he is capable of that he is capable of anything. I don't think I can put up with it anymore though. I have expalined to my boyfriend today that I'm not and would never expect him to choose me over his family but I do expect him to try resolve it as I would if it was my family member that was causing these issues.

Anyway, it is decided now that I am going to move out, my boyfriend doesn't want me too but he said he is not willing to solve the issues with his brother . It's sad but it's the only way I can remove myself from this situation. I'm out on my own on this one.

Firetrap

Can you not get the brother to move out?

anndub

Doesn't sound like either of ye are ready for a real relationship. Someone moves into the home ye have made together and when it doesn't work out with said person you move out and that's OK with you and your boyfriend? Sorry for being harsh but it sounds like you're relationship is pretty doomed.

Distorted

Mister Dread wrote: »

I'm going to have to stop reading personal issues. Half the posts just do my head in. The problem and solution is clear as day so why do you need us to spell it out.

Problem: Couple living with brother
Solution: Couple stop living with brother.

Indeed. OP - just kick him out. Stand up for yourself and lay down the law. Living with a third party is a recipe for disaster for any relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't back you up, then consider moving out yourself. He sounds utterly spineless - what is wrong with him?

Leave the brother to sort himself out. He is an adult, who can evidently stand up for himself. He is therefore capable of finding himself somewhere to live.

thefeatheredcat

You are doing your boyfriend's brother a favour by moving out.... he has gotten what he wanted, which was to destroy your relationship!

If he seriously is that verbally abusive towards your boyfriend, than he has serious issues with your brother. Even if he was verbally abusive before, it is more than likely his venting his bitter frustration and insignificance as a person and his own life and uses your boyfriend as an easy target, because he knows that he can get away with it.

Whatever part of your boyfriend that you found and fell in love with, with be crushed by his brother.... and you running away from the relationship/living together because of a small bump in the road like his brother really speaks volumes that you're not prepared to stay with him through thick and thin, so the relationship is going to be doomed.

Both of you should confront your boyfriend's brother directly as a team and kick him out. Stand up for yourselves together.

And don't even feel bad or guilty about it either, ye were decent enough to take him in, but he has turned abusive to domestic abuse and where you and your boyfriend live is your home and you should not be driven from it as a result of abusive behaviour regardless of the blood ties.

ibarelycare

Jesus christ OP. Your boyfriend is actually letting you move out? He needs to grow a pair and stand up to his brother. In fact, both of you do, this whole scenario is ridiculous.

DEFTLEFTHAND

I think the brother is unhappy with his own situation in life and is jealous of your boyfriend. You say he's at a loose end at the moment which I take to mean unemployed. He probably resents the fact that your boyfriend is working, in a relationship, has his own place etc.
Still this is no excuse for his nasty behaviour and your best move is to show him the door.

Overheal

I imagine the brother is there because he has to be (as far as he is concerned).

So what power does he have over this situation? None. I live at home right now. I'm going to college. I have a part time job. You know how much power I have at home? None. Because I make **** all money and have time to make **** all contribution to the house, and most importantly I can be thrown out on the street any given moment and I know it. I do not presently have the means to do what I am trying to do, and live out there on my own. So I do what I'm told! It's that simple.

Don't know why your boyfriend is having such a hard time showing his brother the door he can walk out of. Chances are the brother won't take it, and if he doesn't, he'll shut up. Even if he does take it, he'll just as well have shut up

Big Bag of Chips

"family is family and they help each other out..."??

So what is it exactly the brother does to help you out?

You took him into your home, to help him. If he in anyway abuses that help or your home then he leaves... is that not obvious?

Why have neither you nor your boyfriend suggested he moves out? Instead deciding it's best if you go? That makes no sense. You're not the problem.

As you said yourself it's a very immature situation. The brothers behaviour.. AND how you and your bf plan on handling it.

Tell him to leave.

If they are that immature, tell their mammy too. Get her to get him to move out.

Edit: also why is it up to your bf to sort this out? Yes, it's his brother, but you are an adult entitled to stand up for yourself against whoever is causing you problems. If it was someone at work would you ask your bf to come in and sort them out too? You say he is not aggressive towards you, so you are in a better position than your bf to challenge him.

Tell him how it makes you feel, and you are no longer willing to feel uncomfortable in your own house. You took him in to help him. If he can't appreciate that, he has to go.

Your brother has history with him, so may never be able to effectively stand up to him. You don't have history... sort it out yourself!

Emme

OP I think that the brother wants you to move out. He is continuing a pattern of abusing his brother, calling his mother names and gets the added kick of upsetting you because he sees that he upsets you. If you move out he will have what he wants, his brother to himself to fight with (or not). He sounds really unreasonable. Does the brother contribute financially to the household? If not then he has no right to call your bf cheap.

How strong is your relationship and how long were you living with your bf before the brother moved in? Consider this, if you were married to your bf you might not consider moving out as quickly. Has your bf discussed getting engaged or married with you? I know it isn't an issue but it might be an indicator as to the strength of your relationship.

Your bf is probably torn between loyalty to his brother/family and loyalty to you. He took his brother in despite their fraught relationship so he's unlikely to kick him out to prevent you leaving.

If the brother got violent with your bf or even you I'd advise you to leave straight away. However your bf needs support so if you find a way of ignoring the brother (not easy) and staying with the bf that is one solution.

If your relationship isn't all that strong and it is upsetting you maybe you should leave as the brother is part of your bf's family and will probably always be a greater or lesser part of his life. He happens to be a greater part of his life right now and that might not be forever, but I reckon he'll be there for a while.

kylith

1) You and your BF need to grow some balls. Seriously.
2) Ye need to present a united front and tell the brother to cop himself on or get the fúck out.
3) If he doesn't cop himself on tell him to leave or you will have him removed.
4) If you need to get his parents involved then do. Tell his mam and dad that you are sick of his attitude and abuse, that you are in constant fear of what he'll do next, and that even though you don't want to throw him out you will.

For whatever petty, childish reason (probably jealousy) the brother is trying to drive you and your BF apart. Your choices are to try and live with it (which won't work), get rid of him, or both you and your BF move out and find somewhere with one bedroom - don't forget to get your deposit from your landlord before you move out - and leave the brother where he is. Make sure to tell him that you are very angry with him for forcing you out of your home, and that he will not be welcome in your new place.

Seriously, he's a dickhead. Fúck him. If you don't let him know that you won't stand for it now then you'll have to put up with him for as long as you and your BF are together.