Fallen for friend, don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

I live with my friend in college, ive known her for about 2 years

i am 1000% percent that she isn't into me in terms of attraction (trust me)

i see her every day, we text and chat all the time, we go shopping together, eg do almost all the thing a bf and gf do, except for kissing sex etc

she has no idea i fancy the arse off her. but when we get drunk and go out to a night club, she naturally shifts other lads in front of me (which she is entitled to do) but it really kills me inside and i become a bit depressed.

its like having a girlfriend that has no physical relationship with you and gets with 4+ people on a night as you watch.

so what can i do?? i don't want to confess to her as what will it achieve??. i cannot keep this secret in for much longer or i will end up with a stomach ulcer from stress and anxiety,
i cant just forget about her because she is a very good friend who i love to hang around with. but someday she is going to bring a lad back to our house and its going to be torture for me, even worse than it is now.

i think im going to have to tell her. but i dont want it to comprise our current relationship in anyway. i have very poor self esteem/confidence/self image at the minute

Ickle Magoo

I think you should find yourself a new flatmate and some new friends ASAP.

Living as if you were gf/bf but without any of the good stuff while she goes off and does that with other people right in front of you is really bad for your self-esteem. Continuing living with her, in the friend-zone, just means you never move on enough to get attracted to and have a relationship with someone else and the longer it goes on, the lower your confidence and less likely you'll be able to move on...it's just not being fair to yourself.

You cannot keep living with and going out on the pull with someone you fancy and making yourself depressed - for your own good you have to move out and start going out at night with other people and distancing yourself from this girl.

All the best.

fonecrusher1

Yeah pretty much what Ickle Magoo said.^

You are in a horrible horrible predicament mate, try to get out of that situation or it will hurt you more & more. Sounds like she has you in the dreaded friend zone & that im afraid is where you will stay. Im not being an asshole im just being honest with you.

Don't just cut contact with no explanation though, thats unfair. Tell her how you feel & why you need to part company. I mean if she plain tells you shes not interested in you romantically then at least you know & you can start to move on. Who knows maybe she is interested? Either way be pro active & speak up.

You can't just sit around forever watching this girl hook up with other guys & feel crushed every time, wondering over & over why its not you who is with her. life is too short. There are loads of women out there.

LegacyUser

i told her anyway! i seen her with a few lads the other night and i couldnt stand it so when they discovered i had left the pub the confronted me and after a lot of persuasion they got it out of me

i told them the whole shabang, what was getting me down, insecurities, everything and why and who and examples and everything really and she even told me a couple of things on her mind

but i was right in the end, she wasn't interested
well my feeling havn't changed but at least she no knows, so today we just acted and talked as if nothing had happened the night before. so il just have to see what happens from here!

fonecrusher1

No offence mate but what happens from here is your not a hell of a lot further from where you where before she knew you fancied her. (she probably suspected this anyway).
If she's not interested then you can either be her friend & feel crap whenever you see her with other guys or you can cut contact & move on & really this is the only positive/progressive option as far as im concerned.

I think your going to stick around because you can't face being apart from her. This is utterly flawed logic & pre-destined for more pain. Now i could be wrong & maybe you do want to be friends with her, fair enough. But i doubt it.

If your plan is to stick around till some day she suddenly starts to like you back in a romantic sense....forget it. Don't bother, again your headed for trouble with that sort of thinking.

Good luck.

Zen65

What do i do? wrote: »

its like having a girlfriend that has no physical relationship with you and gets with 4+ people on a night as you watch.

No it is not!

This girl is most definitely not like a girlfriend. It is more correct to say that your situation is like living in a house with a load of Scarlett Johanssen DVD's while secretly having a crush on Scarlett. You can watch the movies if you wish... she'll always get some guy in the film (a guy who isn't you) and then you'll wish it was you.

This girl isn't into you. That's life. Right now what you need to do is accept that and move on. But as long as you allow yourself to be deluded by the "friend" thing you're not helping yourself.

Maybe in a year's time you two could be friends. But you won't be lovers and the only way to get over that is to find somebody else.

I'd suggest you move out. It would probably be more comfortable for you both.

Be at peace,

Z

floorpie

She said she doesn't feel the same way, fine. But just a sort of word of warning. I presume you're going to keep living together. And i presume that your feelings wont change overnight. But just because you broke the ice and told her how you feel, doesn't mean you should/can *keep* bringing it up whenever you get drunk or melancholy or loved up.

For one thing, you don't want to make her uncomfortable living with you. But on top of that, it doesn't seem to me like attraction happens at a verbal level...as in, saying you're attracted isn't going to make her attracted. In fact, i mean i could be wrong, but even if she *was* attracted to you in some small way, sitting down over a relationship-contract and discussing your attraction and all of your insecurities isn't exactly going to wow her.

Just lay off for the time being and have fun yourself without her. If anything, if you're still into her, her seeing you have fun yourself will benefit you more than talking to her about it will. But mainly take it easy, forget about it, and be cool is what i mean.

A0

Ah! Men-women close friendship, if it could only work... anyway, believe me, move on, find a girl who you can have a bf-gf relationship with... otherwise it'll hurt. There are hundred stories like yours and they all end with someone being hurt.

Firetrap

I wonder how she feels about things, now that you've told her? Will it affect your relationship with her? How will she act next time ye socialise and she wants to shift some other guy? Don't be fooled by her acting as normal - it might just have changed things in her head.

Really, what you need to do is pull back from this and hang out with her less. I'm not suggesting you go and totally cut contact. Unpalatable and all as it is, you certainly need to consider moving out. Living with her and hanging out with her the way you're doing isn't helping you at all. It's stopping you from facing up to the reality of things.

As you've alluded to, it's only a matter of time before she brings some guy home with her. Or worse still from your perspective, meets someone else. At the moment you're living in something of a protective bubble but it's only a matter of time before it bursts. You can either sit there, waiting for the bang or you can take pre-emptive steps and burst it yourself in your own time. The choice is yours.