How to forget/handle "Frenemy"

Danniboo

Hey,

Long story short I have known this girl a very long time and have now had enough of her. She does and says things to hurt people and shows no remorse (Think she has NPD to be honest). She makes comments about your clothes, appearance without been asked. She has left drugs in my bedroom before intentionally, apparentely she asked me, BS:rolleyes: Her and her sister wrecked my bedroom one night at a party in the house and tried to lie about it, barely apologised etc. I ended up a bag of nerves because of them. Anyways found out she's now seeing my ex, which was like a knife in the heart, she knows I was head over heels about him. I have made a conscious effort to move on from this and not let it get me down. However I had a dream last night I ate the head off her, so I guess i'm still kinda angry about it.

How do you deal with people like this? I know i'm gonna have to be in the same company as them at one stage and it will kill me to see them together.

curlzy

Hey OP<

I have SO been there, try living with a passive-aggressive, rat-faced, evil, selfish...sorry got carried away there , anyway you get the jist, I totally know where you're coming from. Basically all you can do it ignore her and try to avoid her. There's really nothing else you can do without engaging in headgames with that scummer and you really don't want to do that, don't let her taint your head with thoughts of her. So yeah while I understand you have to be around her keep it to a minimum. If you feel sad about her being with your ex, well hopefully he sees her for what she is and dumps her ass. Either way just remember; you're way nicer, kinder, awesome than she'll ever be. I know it's hard but you can do it. You've a head of sense going from your posts here so you'll be grand I'm sure.

Best of luck.

ananas

The best thing to do is to phase her out. If you don't want to confront this girl, just ignore her and she'll get the hint eventually. Otherwise you could just meet up her or alternatively send her an email and tell her that she's not a person that you want to be friends with anymore as she's hurt your feelings time and again and now is seeing your ex bf which is the final straw.

If you do have to be in their company, just be perfectly pleasant but uninterested in them. Don't show them ass faces that you're bothered by it at all.

Feck her anyways, you'll be much happier without her toxic ways

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

These are the times in life when you start facing confrontation its scary at first but i think once you do it to one bully it gets easier, she sounds like a b1tch, if its still a young crowd and she can win them over it can be hard, but just hold your ground, people end up respecting you for it, thats the lesson with it, that you honor and trust yourself and your own opinion. You also start to see other friends who join in with her and who have no backbone, if you have to be around them try have some support with you, try tell some trustworthy friends and ask them to have your back with it, or if you really don't like them then avoid them at all costs, if you see them, leave the company. Anyone that likes her sounds like they are not mature either tbh.

All the best anyways XX

Danniboo

Hey guys,

Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify I don't have any regular contact with this girl at the moment. I've stood up to her and she just doesn't care what she does to people, she will just try to get back in my life and act as if we're best friends. All the girls have fallen out with her at one stage so it's not like they don't know what she's like. Having said that when her and her sister trashed my room that time I didn't speak to her for a long long time and some of my friends were saying "I need to get over it". I don't think thats normal behaviour and something that someone should be expected to just get over. Normal people don't behave like that. That's what hurts the most my ex knows all the **** she's done on me and still gets involved with her.

Firetrap

There's nothing I can add to what the others have said regarding her. She sounds absolutely dreadful. What you need to do now is try not to let her, or who she's going out with, take up your headspace. She's a b!tch and you'll be happier not having to deal with her. He's the idiot who has taken up with her and is probably incapable of realising at the moment just what a toxic person he is. The penny will drop for him in time. That's not your concern though. Try to get on with your life as best you can without giving either of them any thought if you can help it.

Thora

Danniboo wrote: »

How do you deal with people like this? I know i'm gonna have to be in the same company as them at one stage and it will kill me to see them together.

OP I can sympathise with you.. and the best thing you can do is pretend this hoe-bag means nothing to you. Don't even bother confronting her. It would be a waste of your breath, you can and should move on with your life, and don't even go out of your way to try and be civil, remain indifferent. And as for her starting up with your ex; dogs generally do go for the scraps so let them be. It will fizzle out, and when it does, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you kept your head held high and remained classy, yes we all would want to pelt her with olives but it's simply beneath you! You can do it.

Danniboo

Thanks everyone for your replies. Unfortunately don't think i've been as "classy" as I could have been about the issue. I sent him a few drunken text a few weeks ago.

Tricia1

Hi OP.

I agree with the other posters, you basically just have to cut this girl out of your life as she is clearly making you feel unhappy.

In a nutshell you don't have to put up with what she's doing- in my opinion it's time to move on from her.

She's obviously craving attention- she's an attention-seeker. I'd avoid her like the plague quite honestly.

As regards her getting involved with the guy you liked- that's another reason to get rid of her from your life.

I know it's hard but you need to meet a guy who likes you for you, there are genuinely decent single guys out there believe it or not.

Danniboo

Tricia1 wrote: »

Hi OP.

I agree with the other posters, you basically just have to cut this girl out of your life as she is clearly making you feel unhappy.

In a nutshell you don't have to put up with what she's doing- in my opinion it's time to move on from her.

She's obviously craving attention- she's an attention-seeker. I'd avoid her like the plague quite honestly.

As regards her getting involved with the guy you liked- that's another reason to get rid of her from your life.

I know it's hard but you need to meet a guy who likes you for you, there are genuinely decent single guys out there believe it or not.

Oh I have an amazing bf, he knows all about this and has been sooooooo understanding I think it's at the stage where if there's a social event where she'll be there i'll just have to avoid it. My friends should understand and if they don't well feck them. X Factor and popcorn sounds much more appealing than putting up with her melodramatics, i'm too old :rolleyes:

Tricia1

If you happen to run into/ see her at a social event- i'd walk the other way.

You are under no obligation to converse with her and quite frankly i wouldn't.

Also i wouldn't think about it- i.e. is she or isn't she going to turn up.

Believe me she ain't thinking of you right now as people have their own problems.

Avoid her and she'll eventually get the hint.

Danniboo

Tricia1 wrote: »

If you happen to run into/ see her at a social event- i'd walk the other way.

You are under no obligation to converse with her and quite frankly i wouldn't.

Also i wouldn't think about it- i.e. is she or isn't she going to turn up.

Believe me she ain't thinking of you right now as people have their own problems.

Avoid her and she'll eventually get the hint.[/QUOTE]


That's just the thing she actually won't, she couldn't care less which is why I don't get the whole trying to be friends bit?? I'm happy with my life and not to have her in it. She obviously has no intentions of not being an absolute a**hole towards me so why bother? Weird. I honestly don't think she show empathy or remorse towards people whatsoever.

Tricia1

Danniboo wrote: »

That's just the thing she actually won't, she couldn't care less which is why I don't get the whole trying to be friends bit?? I'm happy with my life and not to have her in it.

If you cut all ties with her, she'll eventually get the hint.

If you don't want her in your life you'll just have to do it- i.e. avoid her like the plague.

You are not obligated to entertain her.

Firetrap

It doesn't matter what she thinks. You don't like her and don't want to be near her. So exclude her from your life as much as you can. Some people are incapable of taking a hint.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ive been in so many situations like this with people, there is always going to be someone you don't get on with through life, i just ignore the person, i don't care if they know i don't like them, you just have to get good at standing firm in the company and leaving when you can, i can look anyone in the eye and not be intimidated now from all the times I've had to deal with people like this, your own opinion is all that matters and over the years she will be left behind with all the immature idiots. Don't let anyone tell you what you need to get over it didn't happen to them, just keep trusting yourself, you will feel better.

Danniboo

Hey guys,

Sorry if i'm harping on at this stage, but having a bad day today and i'd rather vent here than do something stupid:D Just remembered years ago when i'd broken up with the ex and we were still seeing each other/not seeing each other if you know what I mean. Well word got back that the ex said to someone that he would never go out with me because "of a certain feature". I've a birthmark. The ex swore blindly he never said this and I believed him. It has to have been this "friend" that said. It makes sense now, she was obviously jealous and this is why she was such a ******. Part of me wants to unleash hell on her:mad:

I am a friend

We have all had days like that

Look, for your own sake, you are giving her too much air time... Why are you wasting your energy on her.. All its doing is getting your own blood pressure up so give her 2 more minutes of your negative energy adn move on...

Mazeire

Danniboo wrote: »

Hey guys,

Sorry if i'm harping on at this stage, but having a bad day today and i'd rather vent here than do something stupid:D Just remembered years ago when i'd broken up with the ex and we were still seeing each other/not seeing each other if you know what I mean. Well word got back that the ex said to someone that he would never go out with me because "of a certain feature". I've a birthmark. The ex swore blindly he never said this and I believed him. It has to have been this "friend" that said. It makes sense now, she was obviously jealous and this is why she was such a ******. Part of me wants to unleash hell on her:mad:

Hi Danni,

Sorry o hear about that it must have been hurtful as ****. This girl sounds like she thrives on attention, and that attention can either be good or bad as long as it is focused on her and she is the centre of what ever drama or scandal that's going on. In order to get that reaction she resorts to extreme behaviour in order to provoke it from people such as thrashing your room, insulting people and now going off with your ex.
My guess is that she expected you to march up to her in the pub sobbing and throw a pint over her. You ignoring them has thrown her plan in to disarray which is why she has resorted to this nonsense. I know it's hurtful, but this is an indication of how well you are handling the situation so rise above it. Remember the best revenge is a life well lived. Also don't worry about your ex, sure hasn't he shown by going out with that one his taste is only in his mouth anyway

Amzie

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head!!

Be the bigger person and dont waste anymore of your thoughts on her, shes not worth it! Ignore her ridiculous actions as all she wants is to upset others!! What a rotten girl...theres always one :mad:

Danniboo

Guys sorry for dragging this thread up again but could do with some more advice and no one else really seems to get how much this is bothering me. I have a social event coming up in the next couple of weeks where this girl is gonna be in the same company as me and possibly this guy too. I already feel sick at the thoughts of it. How do I handle it? She's likely to act like my best friend, i'd prefer ignore her but she's likely to love that thinking i'm jealous?

Thora

Danniboo wrote: »

Guys sorry for dragging this thread up again but could do with some more advice and no one else really seems to get how much this is bothering me. I have a social event coming up in the next couple of weeks where this girl is gonna be in the same company as me and possibly this guy too. I already feel sick at the thoughts of it. How do I handle it? She's likely to act like my best friend, i'd prefer ignore her but she's likely to love that thinking i'm jealous?

OP whatever you do don't chicken out of this that's what she wants, you need to get yourself the most rideable date (rent him if you have to) and do yourself up so you feel uber confident and give her your best vicky pollard impression "am I bovvrd"

Danniboo

Thora wrote: »

OP whatever you do don't chicken out of this that's what she wants, you need to get yourself the most rideable date (rent him if you have to) and do yourself up so you feel uber confident and give her your best vicky pollard impression "am I bovvrd"

That's along the lines I was thinking, my bf may not be happy about the date part though . Unfortunately he won't be around to accompany me. Think i'll just have to make sure I feel a million dollars.

trio

Get the hair done, get the fake tan (if that's your thing), and make sure you look amazeballs.

Make sure you greet her first all smiles. If he's there, then doubly make sure you zoom over and greet them all happy out to see them. Make small talk about the day, mention how your bf was "soooooo upset he had to miss it but he's working soooooo hard, the pet!" *cue looking sickeningly sweet at the thought of him*

Then, non-jealousness and total soundness of your personality well established for the evening, you can feel free to spend time with everyone else i.e. avoid the other two thereafter like the plague. Since you greeted them first, you won't look like you're being all awkward. You'll just look like a social butterfly.

If she says "Oh we must meet up!" or something like that, a sprightly "Sure! I've loads coming up but deffo in the New Year!" will be fine - nobody means that anyway.

Basically, Fake it till you Make it. And just get through it determined to give yourself the best PR ever.

Danniboo

trio wrote: »

Get the hair done, get the fake tan (if that's your thing), and make sure you look amazeballs.

Make sure you greet her first all smiles. If he's there, then doubly make sure you zoom over and greet them all happy out to see them. Make small talk about the day, mention how your bf was "soooooo upset he had to miss it but he's working soooooo hard, the pet!" *cue looking sickeningly sweet at the thought of him*

Then, non-jealousness and total soundness of your personality well established for the evening, you can feel free to spend time with everyone else i.e. avoid the other two thereafter like the plague. Since you greeted them first, you won't look like you're being all awkward. You'll just look like a social butterfly.

If she says "Oh we must meet up!" or something like that, a sprightly "Sure! I've loads coming up but deffo in the New Year!" will be fine - nobody means that anyway.

Basically, Fake it till you Make it. And just get through it determined to give yourself the best PR ever.

Thanks for that i'm gonna prepare myself to do just that.

Danniboo

Well,

Just said id post on this because its bugging me and don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Didn't go as swimmingly meeting this girl on the night as i'd hoped:( I handled myself brilliantly didn't let her see she was getting to me or anything like that. Grand. Of course she kept talking about my ex the whole night:rolleyes: Went on to the nightclub and all was fine except I got separated from my friends and was supposed to staying in one of their houses. Tried phoning everyone I could think of, which stupidly on my part included the ex thinking the girls might be with him. Lone behold the threatning voice mails and text messages followed. Then the next night out she tried to make my life hell screaming abuse at me outside the night club. At one stage she followed me into the toilets in an effort to intimidate me. She even went up and sarcastically introduced herself to my bf saying in case you haven't already heard all about me. My bf also spotted a sarcy comment from her on FB on a photo of me, which I didn't see as she's obviously set up some block.

Giblet

Of course she kept talking about my ex the whole night

She was talking to you? That's your first mistake, you should not have talked to her at all.

Danniboo

Just briefly as we were sitting in the same group, I didn't want to let her see I was bothered.

Starokan

Id say at this stage you would be better off just cutting her completely out of your life. Her actions here have given you the perfect excuse to do so without any mutual friends holding you to blame. So you rang your ex to find your friends along with many other calls to people, assuming that's all there was to the call its not a big thing , sure ye were all in the same group on a night out.

All she is showing here is that she has no security in her own relationship and sees you as a threat.

Dump her as a friend/enemy/frenemy, simply have nothing to do with her and she will eventually just be a vague memory in your mind.

Abi

Giblet wrote: »

She was talking to you? That's your first mistake, you should not have talked to her at all.

This. Doesn't matter if it was only a few words, she sounds like a mental case. After how you described her, I don't know why you were friends with her in the first place.


Danni, get shot of this girl, have no connections with her whatsoever. For you and your boyfriend, as I'm pretty sure he must be getting sick of this business between you, her and your ex. Cut all ties there.

Danniboo

Abi wrote: »

This. Doesn't matter if it was only a few words, she sounds like a mental case. After how you described her, I don't know why you were friends with her in the first place.


Danni, get shot of this girl, have no connections with her whatsoever. For you and your boyfriend, as I'm pretty sure he must be getting sick of this business between you, her and your ex. Cut all ties there.

I honestly don't know how I was ever friends with her. We fell out numerous times and I wouldn't speak to her for a year or more. I have no connections with her except when I see her out with the group of mutual friends, just spoke to her as it's easier and to be the bigger person. Her voicemails were terrible telling me if I ring her bf again she'll tell my be exactly what i'm up to. Leaving me msgs telling me i'll have her to deal with and I can take that whatever way I want it. My bf is pretty sick of it, but he's the most understanding person I have ever met and has been so supportive, he understands it's not about the ex "per se". I won't be seeing this girl any time soon anyways.

Abi

Bear with me on this Danni, Im going to break this up a little:

Danniboo wrote: »

I honestly don't know how I was ever friends with her. We fell out numerous times and I wouldn't speak to her for a year or more. I have no connections with her except when I see her out with the group of mutual friends

Why would you let her in your company at all? Im sorry but I wouldn't be in her circles, whether there are mutual friends involved or not. Theres no end to this other wise. I think that the roads will clear once you make this official divide, and the mutual friends can spend time with either side at different times. Though, shes the kind of sort that wont be happy with that, and may go fishing for info.

just spoke to her as it's easier and to be the bigger person.

You couldn't be more wrong. If someone is nothing but an irritation, or a stress in your life, theres no mightier power than ignoring them. They don't exist, they're beneath you, and you get on with your life.

Her voicemails were terrible telling me if I ring her bf again she'll tell my be exactly what i'm up to. Leaving me msgs telling me i'll have her to deal with and I can take that whatever way I want it. My bf is pretty sick of it, but he's the most understanding person I have ever met and has been so supportive, he understands it's not about the ex "per se". I won't be seeing this girl any time soon anyways.

As I thought earlier, your bf is getting very sick of it. As it stands, shes enjoying the fact that she targeted your ex, but how much enjoyment would it give her if it was the cause of your break up with your current bf?

Stop your way of thinking. Reset. New face on this, get rid of her, and put your time and energy into your boyfriend. Not into some two-bit tart that is only looking for a reaction from you because she has nothing to do better with her life. She'd love nothing more than things with you and your bf to fail because she's unwell from what I can see.

Rise, rise, rise above it. She will no doubt cast him aside for another host as soon as you lose interest. You'll see in time, but for now - remind your bf that you love him and it's been stressful, but you're not involving yourself with that poisonous cow again.

Taltos

Danni - Abi is spot on here. This frenemy is playing the long game with you.

She has two objectives.
Primary - to see you miserable.
Secondary - hopefully to cause a split.

Do you really want or need someone that toxic in your life?
If she was family well that would be one thing - but she isn't - so do yourself a favour - talk to your OH and sever contact. No shame in being upfront about it - but don't let this fester - just look at this thread and imagine the amount of energy this excuse for a friend is causing you to lose, now balance that up with the next few weeks and months - not kidding here she is a toxic emotional vampire who in some way possibly subconsciously (though I doubt it) is getting off on making you feel like crap...

LittleBook

Danniboo wrote: »

the threatning voice mails and text messages followed. Then the next night out she tried to make my life hell screaming abuse at me outside the night club. At one stage she followed me into the toilets in an effort to intimidate me. She even went up and sarcastically introduced herself to my bf saying in case you haven't already heard all about me.

Danniboo wrote: »

Her voicemails were terrible telling me if I ring her bf again she'll tell my be exactly what i'm up to. Leaving me msgs telling me i'll have her to deal with and I can take that whatever way I want it

Danni, there is no "high road" or "bigger person" with people like this and there is no discernible reason whatsoever why you would allow yourself to be in the company of this woman. Stay well away from her because I fear Taltos and Abi are right, this will end in the break-up of your current relationship. The problem with a patient partner is that it's easy to believe that patience will not run out, but it will.

Danniboo wrote: »

I won't be seeing this girl any time soon anyways.

Not good enough, this is very passive. Tell your boyfriend that this recent incident is the last straw and you'll be staying the hell away from this crazy woman ... and mean it.

Danniboo

Thanks so much again everyone for your advice. Your right there's no excuse for me to be around her. The thing is my friends who I hadn't seen in 3 years were home and I wasn't going to miss out on seeing them because of her. They're gone back now and we've only one mutual friend over here so I genuinely won't be anywhere near her, I live in a different county anyways which helps

Big Bag of Chips

You need to make the decision to have nothing else to do with her. Not have it made for you!

Honestly, you might not believe it, but it really is really really very easy to avoid someone you want nothing to do with.

All you have to do is decide. But by letting circumstances decide (mutual friends gone back!) you are not actually deciding anything. And therefore it seems your heart isn't really in it.. and you will once again slip back to being in her company.

Actually even IN company it is easy to ignore someone!

As I get older (!) I realise more and more that my time is mine. It's valuable to me. So as a result I spend very little of it humouring this sort of sht! I couldn't tell you the last time I had an uncomfortable "confrontational" experience with someone... why? Because there is nobody left in my life who carries on like that.

And on a separate note, if I was your bf, I'd be very very pissed off with the constant presence of the ex "who broke your heart" in our lives. Even if it is an indirect presence, its still one that's there, and one that bothers you greatly.

Just get rid of her.

In your situation, I might even consider going to the guards with the threatening voicemails. That might soften her cough for her!

Danniboo

Honestly, you might not believe it, but it really is really really very easy to avoid someone you want nothing to do with.
All you have to do is decide. But by letting circumstances decide (mutual friends gone back!) you are not actually deciding anything. And therefore it seems your heart isn't really in it.. and you will once again slip back to being in her company.
Actually even IN company it is easy to ignore someone!
As I get older (!) I realise more and more that my time is mine. It's valuable to me. So as a result I spend very little of it humouring this sort of sht! I couldn't tell you the last time I had an uncomfortable "confrontational" experience with someone... why? Because there is nobody left in my life who carries on like that.
And on a separate note, if I was your bf, I'd be very very pissed off with the constant presence of the ex "who broke your heart" in our lives. Even if it is an indirect presence, its still one that's there, and one that bothers you greatly.
Just get rid of her.
In your situation, I might even consider going to the guards with the threatening voicemails. That might soften her cough for her![/QUOTE]

Before a couple of months I hadn't spoke to her in 3 years. I did say once my friends are back for good I won't be meeting with them when she's around as they are around for good I can see them any time. I had thought about the voicemails, threats etc to go further as it's not the first time she's done something along these lines, leaving drugs in my room, thrashing my room etc. I'll leave sleeping dogs lie for now and just be glad she's out of my life.

Colonel_McCoy

agree with Tricia1, cut all ties move on she is not a friend!

Giblet

Danniboo wrote: »

Just briefly as we were sitting in the same group, I didn't want to let her see I was bothered.

You did the opposite by inviting her into your world, ignoring someone means you aren't bothered as you can successfully ignore them. You couldn't which put you on the back foot, even if it was just something polite.

Danniboo

Thanks Guys, I honestly thought i'd be better off just being polite and talking to her if she's talking to me last couple of times we've been out I have completely ignored her. Your replies have been very helpful.