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He lied to me about his ex

  • 16-09-2011 12:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have been with a guy for 4 years. For the first year it was on and off because he was living with his girlfriend and their child. (I know it was wrong but I loved him).
    Eventually he left her and we got together.
    He went back to her a week later but then came back to me.
    He swore he wouldn't contact her again.

    She contacted him loads about the child and eventually he told her he never wanted to hear from her again. He sees the child through his mother who has the child one day a month. My boyfriend sees the child for a few hours.

    We don't live together.

    My problem is this. When she was still in contact with him, he was calling her all sorts, saying she was always after him, wanted him back and wouldn't leave him alone.
    Once he stopped having the child himself (after 2+ years) she stopped contacting him. I asked her before to leave him alone and she said how was she meant to leave him alone when they had a child together.
    He insisted it wasn't about the child, that she was still in love with him and wanted to make him and me miserable.

    But we haven't heard anything from her in months so that makes me think it was just about the child.
    And now I'm not sure what to make of him because she was letting him have the child whenever he wanted but he wouldn't because that meant she would keep contacting him and he couldn't stand being contacted by her so he cut that contact and as a result barely knows the child.
    I thought she was some sort of psycho crazy ex but now I think that her contacting him was actually out of necessity and not out of being evil.
    Anytime I saw her texts they were normal enough, asking what time he was collecting the child or letting him know about stuff the child was doing. There was never anything to make me think anything was going on.

    I'm starting to have serious doubts about the type of man he is. He treats me like a queen but he wants his own way a lot and tends to sulk if he doesn't get it. His mother tried to talk to him about the child and he refused.
    I don't want to throw away a relationship but at the same time, I dont know if I can trust him.


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    To be honest it sounds like your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and start taking responsibility for his child. I get the impression that he made up her attempts at reconciliation to avoid having his child interfere with his new relationship with you and/or his life in general.

    I am speaking from personal experience. I went through this myself but my new girlfriend knew that if it ever came down to a choice between her and my son, my son would always come first....

    He sounds quite young/immature, what age are you both???


  • #3
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    Helied wrote: »
    I don't want to throw away a relationship but at the same time, I dont know if I can trust him.

    This might sound harsh, but I don't mean it in a hurtful way.

    You should be in no doubt about the kind of man he is:
    • He cheated on his girlfriend, who was also the mother of his child.
    • Then he left you, to go back to her
    • Then he left her again to be with you, but...
    • In doing so he has turned his back on his own child, because he could not get along with the mother
    • He likes to have his own way when he's with you, and if he can't he'll sulk about it
    • He won't listen to his own mother when she tries to get him to face up to his responsibilities towards his child

    Quite a catch, eh?

    There is a saying that when a man marries his mistress he inevitably creates a vacancy. I don't think that's universally true, but a man who will cheat by having a relationship while living with his partner is a man of dubious character, and you should not believe otherwise simply because you were the "other woman". I think that where a person is unfaithful for 1 night there is hope that it is a momentary lapse, but conducting two relationships at once is selfish beyond forgiveness.

    I'm sure if you were on speaking terms with his ex she'd tell you that he once treated her as a queen too. Perhaps then, your relationship is not so special?


    Be at peace,


    Z


  • #4
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    Completely agree with sunflower here.

    Would you really want to be with a man that has nothing to do with his own child?


  • #5
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    Helied wrote: »
    I have been with a guy for 4 years. For the first year it was on and off because he was living with his girlfriend and their child. (I know it was wrong but I loved him).

    Ah the old "but I loved him" line. Look OP, you knew from the very beginning that this was not a person who could be trusted. He lied to his girlfriend, the mother of his child, for a year while he was doing the dirt with you.
    Helied wrote: »
    Eventually he left her and we got together.
    He went back to her a week later but then came back to me.
    He swore he wouldn't contact her again.

    Why is he swearing not to contact the mother of his child? Did you ask him not to contact her? They have a child together, they need to speak to each other.
    Helied wrote: »
    She contacted him loads about the child and eventually he told her he never wanted to hear from her again. He sees the child through his mother who has the child one day a month. My boyfriend sees the child for a few hours.

    Why shouldn't she "contact him loads about the child"? Your post is coming across like you don't think she should have been contacting him at all. I'm baffled by this.

    He sees his child for a few hours once a month despite the fact that the mother is happy for him to see the child more than that? What scummy behaviour.
    Helied wrote: »
    I asked her before to leave him alone and she said how was she meant to leave him alone when they had a child together.
    He insisted it wasn't about the child, that she was still in love with him and wanted to make him and me miserable.

    Why on earth would you be telling her to leave him alone? It has nothing to do with you. What part of 'they have a child together' do you not understand? You fell for his nonsense and I'm sorry OP, but I have very little sympathy.
    Helied wrote: »
    But we haven't heard anything from her in months so that makes me think it was just about the child.
    And now I'm not sure what to make of him because she was letting him have the child whenever he wanted but he wouldn't because that meant she would keep contacting him and he couldn't stand being contacted by her so he cut that contact and as a result barely knows the child.

    He's using her as an excuse to completely ignore his responsibilities as a father. Thats as plain as day. How you're only copping on to that now is beyond me.
    Helied wrote: »
    I thought she was some sort of psycho crazy ex but now I think that her contacting him was actually out of necessity and not out of being evil.
    Anytime I saw her texts they were normal enough, asking what time he was collecting the child or letting him know about stuff the child was doing. There was never anything to make me think anything was going on.

    I'm starting to have serious doubts about the type of man he is. He treats me like a queen but he wants his own way a lot and tends to sulk if he doesn't get it. His mother tried to talk to him about the child and he refused.
    I don't want to throw away a relationship but at the same time, I dont know if I can trust him.

    Wow. I know I'm being quite harsh but nonsense like this makes me so angry. This POS cheated on her with you, then left her to be with you, then left you to go back to her. Then he cut his child off completely and used her as an excuse. You stuck your own beak in when she was trying to get him to see his child and only now, only now months later, are you thinking that oooh maybe something isn't quite right and he might not be as trustworthy as you think.

    The person who deserves the most sympathy in this scenario is the child. Hopefully he'll grow up to realise what an utter waste of space his father is. You walked into this with your eyes wide open and tbh, you reap what you sow.

    If you want advice, leave. He's a scumbag.


  • #6
    Firetrap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    Seeing as he's done all that other stuff, the lying about his ex is pretty minor in the grand scale of things. If you want to continue a relationship with a dubious character who does things to suit himself, that's your call. Just don't be surprised when he lets you down again.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here.

    I am 23, he is 29.

    Some of the texts the mother sent him were abusive but they were sent right after he stopped taking the child. They were really nasty but I suppose she was angry with him.

    The reason he said he would stop contacting her was because I didn't know at first about him trying to get back together with her. So I suppose he cheated on me with her. But he didn't see it like that because he was cheating on her with me. but then when I was really upset he promised me he would never speak to her again.

    I told her to keep away from him because she was texting him about the child and then he'd get annoyed and as a punishment he'd refuse to take the child. I also spoke to her because she didn't want him bringing the child to my house and meeting me. She made up excuses like he only had the child once a month and the child should have his undivided attention. They were young when they had the child, 17, so the child was older when they broke up and was very upset and she thought that keeping me away for a while was for the best.
    I did get to meet the child eventually and we get on well. It's a good kid and was lovely and friendly which makes me think the mother was lying about the reasons to keep me away.
    He says he did love the mother at the start but they weren;t happy. She is still single which to me goes to show that she may still have feelings for him. They were each others firsts and she got pregnant by mistake and he says he felt trapped by everything because she wanted more kids and to get married and buy a house.
    He only cheated with me a handful of times. Like I said it was on and off. We'd go months not seeing each other. But we fell in love and he left her for me and we're still together.
    Most men never leave their partners but he did. That has to mean something.


  • #8
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    Helied wrote: »
    OP here.

    I am 23, he is 29.

    Some of the texts the mother sent him were abusive but they were sent right after he stopped taking the child. They were really nasty but I suppose she was angry with him.

    He cut his child, (who was what, ten?) out of his life. You bet your arse she was angry.
    Helied wrote: »
    The reason he said he would stop contacting her was because I didn't know at first about him trying to get back together with her. So I suppose he cheated on me with her. But he didn't see it like that because he was cheating on her with me. but then when I was really upset he promised me he would never speak to her again.

    And did his child not enter your head at any point when he was promising to never speak to his ex again? Did it not dawn on you at any point that he was going to have to have contact with her in order to maintain a relationship with his child?
    Helied wrote: »
    I told her to keep away from him because she was texting him about the child and then he'd get annoyed and as a punishment he'd refuse to take the child.

    Jesus Christ. A punishment? The only one he's punishing is his kid. So what exactly what the mother supposed to do? Hope that he would use his psychic abilities to know when to take his child? You had absolutely no place speaking to her like that and you are kidding yourself if you think the reason he won't take the child is because of the mother. He won't take that child because he doesn't want to. Have you even asked yourself why he has so much hatred for her? He's the one that cheated on her for so long? He's the one that left her and his child. It makes no sense.
    Helied wrote: »
    I also spoke to her because she didn't want him bringing the child to my house and meeting me. She made up excuses like he only had the child once a month and the child should have his undivided attention. They were young when they had the child, 17, so the child was older when they broke up and was very upset and she thought that keeping me away for a while was for the best.
    I did get to meet the child eventually and we get on well. It's a good kid and was lovely and friendly which makes me think the mother was lying about the reasons to keep me away.

    Sounds like the mother was thinking of her child, something your boyfriend wouldn't know how to do. How can you say the mother was lying about keeping you away? Sounds to me like she did the right thing and gave her child time to get used to the idea of his dad having a new girlfriend. That child may have been lovely and friendly because the mother cared enough to make sure he would be able to handle meeting you. You sound so immature OP.
    Helied wrote: »
    He says he did love the mother at the start but they weren;t happy. She is still single which to me goes to show that she may still have feelings for him.

    Bollox. She's still single so that means she still has feelings for her cheating ex who cut his own child out?? She could still be single because she is looking after her child by herself with no help from the father. She could be single because she hasn't met anyone else. She could be single simply because she wants to be. Grow up OP.
    Helied wrote: »
    They were each others firsts and she got pregnant by mistake and he says he felt trapped by everything because she wanted more kids and to get married and buy a house.

    Generally people who are in what they consider to be loving, monogomous relationships, and have children, tend to want those things. If he felt trapped he could have left. He could have ended things in a much more amicable way. Instead he went down the sleazy route of cheating. He's a selfish excuse for a man.
    Helied wrote: »
    He only cheated with me a handful of times.

    Well thats ok then...
    Helied wrote: »
    Like I said it was on and off. We'd go months not seeing each other. But we fell in love and he left her for me and we're still together.

    Earlier in this post you are saying he cheated on you with her as far as you're concerned. People "in love" don't do that. What makes you think he won't cheat on you?

    Most men never leave their partners but he did. That has to mean something.[/QUOTE]

    Most men don't cut their children out of their lives after 10 years either.

    Sounds to me like you were the willing escape route for a waster who wanted out of being an adult. You are so deluded it's actually quite frightening. You are going to believe what you want to believe and we'll see what happens should you end up with a baby. Lets see how long this guy sticks around for then.

    Willing participants like you deserve all they get.


  • #9
    Lollipops23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    sweet jesus, you sound like you were made for each other.

    he doesn't deserve to be called a man having acted the way he did OP. the only advise I can give you is to get out now and find yourself a man who knows how to treat his other half AND his child. can you imagine what his poor child has been through? it's no wonder his mother is annoyed, i'd be baying for your OH's blood at this stage. he's a disgusting excuse for a father, maybe the kid is better off without him.


  • #10
    Firetrap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    Methinks you doth protest too much. It says a lot for the strength of your relationship and how much you trust him that you see the ex is a threat. If you truly believed your boyfriend was yours only and that he'd never even look at another woman, you'd not be posting here or trying to justify the relationship. The one thing I can say for sure is that your mind will never ever be at rest over this matter.


  • #11
    Mmmoments
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Mmmoments


    OP read up a bit on personal boundaries. Also self esteem. It's very easy to lose all sense of right and wrong and whats acceptable when you are in an emotionally overwhelming situation. His behaviour is not normal which you seem to be aware of - why did you ever accept it?


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  • #12
    gmac102
    Closed Accounts Posts: 169 ✭✭gmac102


    I think bashing the OP is going a bit far now, shes asked for an opinion not to be slated.

    Shes 23, we all make mistakes hopefully she'll learn from hers and move on. Giving her the so called reality checks isnt up to any of us.


  • #13
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    gmac102 wrote: »
    I think bashing the OP is going a bit far now, shes asked for an opinion not to be slated.

    Shes 23, we all make mistakes hopefully she'll learn from hers and move on. Giving her the so called reality checks isnt up to any of us.

    The OP wrote for advice, as she feels like she cannot trust her boyfriend. All of the above posters are showing her examples of why he CANNOT be trusted.


  • #14
    gmac102
    Closed Accounts Posts: 169 ✭✭gmac102


    ElleEm wrote: »
    The OP wrote for advice, as she feels like she cannot trust her boyfriend. All of the above posters are showing her examples of why he CANNOT be trusted.


    There is advice but there is also bashing.


  • #15
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    gmac102 wrote: »
    There is advice but there is also bashing.

    If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic by back-seat modding.

    Folks,

    This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

    Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

    If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

    Many thanks.


  • #16
    Elmidena
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,570 ✭✭✭Elmidena


    OP, well done for posting and looking for help; I think that indicates your conscience is at you a little bit. I'm not going to say what's write and what's wrong here, but as you are in your early 20s it might be a bit difficult but can you answer the following:

    [1] Are you terrified of getting pregnant? Do you think babies=end of relationship as he'll find the next bit of skirt?

    [2] Are you happy not living together? Would you prefer being around him or do you like that space? Do you feel like you can 100% trust him when you're apart given his immature track record?

    [3] Did he really cut off contact because you were upset? If so that shows a total disregard for priorities and responsibility. If he didn't cut it off because you were upset, and rather scapegoated you, I fear that you will never have a happy future with this man.

    [4] Are you happy in your relationship? Do you feel like you're being held back, or fed up with his moods and potentially see a dead end but pretend it's not there? Relationships are hard to give up but at the same time you deserve happiness. You're young, made stupid decisions, but don't need to pay the price for the rest of your life. You'll turn bitter and resentful and that won't help anyone, least of all you. You're in the prime of your life, and this is the time for enjoying and exploring. I could be wrong but I fear down the line you will be held accountable for the lack of family bonding, even if it's not 100% your fault. If such a day appears (keeping in mind his regular sulks) would you be prepared for that?

    I'm not having a go OP, and there's no need to write the answers to these questions anywhere online, just make sure in your head you're hitting the truthful answers. Habit is not the same as love; a lot of people seem to forget that. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have a happy future, with this man or someone else


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