The friends "judging" you

LegacyUser

Hello.
I have been dating a guy for a month, going out since 2weeks ago. He passed a comment and I just wanted a few opinions. He was talking about his friends and then said something like "You'll have to meet them, they have to judge you" or something to that effect. He also pinpointed one girl and said she'd be the "harshest critic".
Just wondering, what the heck does that mean? Is that a common thing to say in Ireland? Cause I got that from my last ex except it was his brother that was to do the judging.
I laughed it off but, am I auditioning for the Xfactor?
I also have a little feeling this "harshest critic" girl might take a dislike to me. It seems, to me, by looking at his FB, he can never say or write anything without her latching onto it. Which says to me, she might have a crush or be an ex?

Thats it really. Bit of guidance?

gmac102

imnotonxfactor! wrote: »

Hello.
I have been dating a guy for a month, going out since 2weeks ago. He passed a comment and I just wanted a few opinions. He was talking about his friends and then said something like "You'll have to meet them, they have to judge you" or something to that effect. He also pinpointed one girl and said she'd be the "harshest critic".
Just wondering, what the heck does that mean? Is that a common thing to say in Ireland? Cause I got that from my last ex except it was his brother that was to do the judging.
I laughed it off but, am I auditioning for the Xfactor?
I also have a little feeling this "harshest critic" girl might take a dislike to me. It seems, to me, by looking at his FB, he can never say or write anything without her latching onto it. Which says to me, she might have a crush or be an ex?

Thats it really. Bit of guidance?

HMMM IMO there is something weird about it alright, Ive never had anyone say that to me and if they did I wouldnt be to pleased about it.

The only opinion should matter to him is his own, not his friends.

Stench Blossoms

Everybody judges everybody - that's how I see it anyway.

I reckon he was probably making a joke and wouldn't worry about it.

Just because she comments on his facebook doesn't mean she has a crush on him. She's his friend.

ElleEm

New partners are always judged by friends! He probably said it as a joke, I wouldn't worry.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Firstly it's not common at all, never heard that said to anyone, nor Irish for that matter. I'm going to assume it wasn't a joke. If that's correct then he and his mates are extremely immature, at the end of the day that's the way 14 year olds would go on. So I'd say meet his friends and if it turns out you are being judged for real I would walk, who needs a spineless bf that needs approval from his mates to date someone? If it was a joke tell him it's not funny and it shows him and his mates in a very poor light. Also I wouldn't be prepared to take critism for the "harshest judge" I would have f*ck off ready if she starts anything.

Best of luck.

Ickle Magoo

While it's true that everyone gets judged and judges others - your boyfriend actually pointing out you are being set up to be vetted, harshly by some, is bizarre; and would strike me as really a bit immature. I'm not sure if he's trying in some weird roundabout way to big himself up by making it sound his friends are going to be tripping over themselves to see you are good enough for him, or if knowing his friends, he's just giving you prior warning - either way, it's a bit odd and would do nothing but make me suspicious of both him and his mates.

The Lovely Muffin

Hi OP,

I would agree with curlzy and sunflower27.

It is absolutely not normal for a guy you've just started seeing to say what he said to you. I find it bizarre are grown up, mature guy would say such a thing.

If any guy I was dating said that to me, I'd be gone like a shot, I wouldn't hang around long enough for his friends (or anyone else) to "judge" me. And as for a girl being the harshest critic, well like curlzy said, I wouldn't be prepared to take nonsense from her.

How do you mean she latches on to everything he says on FB? Is it anything in particular she latches on to? Or just random stuff?

As Stench Blossoms and Ickle Magoo, everyone is judged by others, but in my opinion for any guy to actually say what he said to you is bizarre and immature.

Ok so if he was doing it to give you prior warning about his mates and this girl, he went about it the wrong way. Instead of saying what he did, he should have sat down with you and talked about it properly, rather than a (random?) comment.

Is the guy you are seeing an adult? I apologise if I cause offence I don't mean to, I just find it hard to believe a grown up guy would say something like that.

gypsy_rose

Definitly a joke OP, don't worry about it. I made a similiar joke with my boyfriend a while back, we were going out much longer but still, I really can't imagine anyone seriously saying that, he's just winding you up

Zen65

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Definitly a joke OP, don't worry about it. I made a similiar joke with my boyfriend a while back, we were going out much longer but still, I really can't imagine anyone seriously saying that, he's just winding you up

+1

It is not unusual for a person's friends to form an opinion on his new girlfriend / boyfriend, and to feed that opinion back to him/her. This might be considered as "judging". It's a bit clueless of your boyfriend to call it in this manner as it clearly puts some pressure on you.

As for her (the special friend whose opinion is so important) ..... she may be nothing more than the dominant person in that circle of friends. I don't think you can draw an inference about her feelings for him.

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Purple B: I'm 20, he's 19.

I do like him but when he said that, I wasn't impressed and it did stick in my mind. For the simple reason that my last ex was a drama with all our friends involved. The fact is, I am so sick of drama and people getting involved in my relationships.
It annoys me to be honest. I dont like worrying about how I appear to others when Im only interested in one of them.
In fairness, he seems inexperienced. But still, It really was stupid to say and it did annoy me.

What is it with guys and their friends! He seems crazy into me so why throw that comment at me?

The Lovely Muffin

imnotonxfactor! wrote: »

Purple B: I'm 20, he's 19.

I do like him but when he said that, I wasn't impressed and it did stick in my mind. For the simple reason that my last ex was a drama with all our friends involved. The fact is, I am so sick of drama and people getting involved in my relationships.
It annoys me to be honest. I dont like worrying about how I appear to others when Im only interested in one of them.
In fairness, he seems inexperienced. But still, It really was stupid to say and it did annoy me.

What is it with guys and their friends! He seems crazy into me so why throw that comment at me?

To me anyway, his age explains a bit, from your OP I thought you were a bit older than you are, hence why I asked.

Thinking about it now OP, I would guess that he was trying to give you prior warning about his friends and what they are like (or can be like).

If I was in your shoes, I would talk to him about it.

If you don't talk to him and let it eat away at you (I'm not wording that right, apologies) it will come to a head eventually, better to sort it out now, before that happens, save any hassle/tears etc.

qwertytlk

Well wasnt that nice of him to put all that pressure on you! As if meetring your partners friends for the first time isnt daunting enough! If possible, i would bring it up again with him... In a light hearted joking way and see if you can get an idea if he really was joking or not. Because (and i dont mean to offend you by saying this) if he was serious then he kind of seems like an bit of an asshole. And very immature. And this 'harsh critic' friend of his probably wont be a nice girl... So wheather your really nice to her and try your best to get on with her, or dont bother at all, i would say she wont be happy either way. Shes probably not an ex, but one of those flirty, possesive 'acts like his wife' type friends that alot of men seem to have. Best of luck with it all and just be yourself. If he likes you ot shouldnt matter in the least what his friends think.

minidazzler

gmac102 wrote: »

The only opinion should matter to him is his own, not his friends.

I will always maintain this is completely untrue, your friends know you best and their opinions should be given weight since new relationships are not always entered into with the clearest head as many things can be overlooked.

I would simply consider it weird that he is telling you they are gonna "judge" you OP. But any of my friends who bring a girl about gets an honest opinion of her from me, usually pointing out the good things, unless they are someone I particularily have something against. He should never have mentioned it, but it is pretty much an inevitibility that everyone you meet will judge you for good or bad. And amongst some groups of friends but not everyone, the friends will give their honest opinions. That said, the "harshest critic" sounds like a bit of a bitchy one who will look for problems so be wary of her.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I think rather than let him know I picked up on it, I think I will be wary, especially of the "harshest critic".
I personally would like to spend more time with him ,just us two, as we havent been going out that long and I am not ready yet to be bombarded by friends and interferance...

Thanks again everyone.

ElleEm

imnotonxfactor! wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I think rather than let him know I picked up on it, I think I will be wary, especially of the "harshest critic".
I personally would like to spend more time with him ,just us two, as we havent been going out that long and I am not ready yet to be bombarded by friends and interferance...

Thanks again everyone.

You should tell him that.
Also, telling you about your potential "harshest critic" could be just his insecurities coming out. Like him saying "I have someone who cares about me and the girls I'm with". Just a thought.