Moving on Advice

LegacyUser

Got dumped by ex girlfriend of nearly 3 years 6 months ago. Various reasons, alot of silly fights and pettiness and taking each other for granted. Each day instead of getting better and easier it's just getting worse and worse. It's not that i want her back, but i just want the hurt to stop.

Went with no contact for ages only for her to ring me the other nite, upset about something and needing advice. She told me how i mean so much to her and how she missed me. This evening she text to let me know she has been seeing someone for a month. So yes a major kick in the teeth.

I've tried extra work, sports all the usual but each day i just feel more and more down. I just can't seem to shrug it off and put it behind me. Despite the rut that we were in, i miss her so much and can't get over this.

LegacyUser

You will never, ever move on until you completely cut contact and stop being her shoulder to cry on. She is using you to reassure her when she's down? What kind of selfish nasty person is she?

You will never meet anyone else or fall for anyone else if you continue to carry a torch for this ex. The choice is yours. Do you want to move on?

Then cut her completely out of your life.

How can you stop thinking and remembering her if she's ringing you and confiding in you?

She's moved on with her life. You ought to do the same.

LegacyUser

going through something similar myself man.

Loved her to bits, still do, but can't seem to get over it at all. I'm afraid to go out in case I meet her, afraid to call friends in case they ask about her, afraid to meet people etc. I've put in extra hours at work but do nothing as I can't get it off my mind and I play sports but chase round like a lunatic as if I stop moving I think of her. My family & friends who know all say they hate seeing me like this, find another girl and move on etc, but easier said than done. The next person you meet should give you a better relationship than the last, but so far for me that's not happened. I'm an ok looking bloke, nothing special but I just don't think I will feel for anyone or they will feel for me like myself & my last partner did about each other.

It's very difficult, I know exactly how you are feeling and it hurts like mad, I can't get that hurt to go away either.

LegacyUser

asdasdfasdf wrote: »

You will never, ever move on until you completely cut contact and stop being her shoulder to cry on. She is using you to reassure her when she's down? What kind of selfish nasty person is she?

You will never meet anyone else or fall for anyone else if you continue to carry a torch for this ex. The choice is yours. Do you want to move on?

Then cut her completely out of your life.

How can you stop thinking and remembering her if she's ringing you and confiding in you?

She's moved on with her life. You ought to do the same.

OP here, thanks for the response. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I really am trying to move on. Just what happened really was a set back. It's not so much that i'm carrying a torch for her. It's just the feeling of loss and loneliness i'm experiencing. I'm used to being quite confident and happy in my self but the last 6 months i've changed into an insecure mess, quite frankly.

I know self pity is no pity, but was just hoping that it would be getting easier not harder.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly having been through something similar myself I have an idea how you feel and it's a horrible place to be. You know you need to move on but while that's the sensible thing to do it's not always the easiest thing to do!

The first thing you need to do is cut all contact completely; as the other other posters have said you will never get over someone if you are still in contact with them, especially if she is using you emotionally. Trust me, it's the best thing I ever did when getting over my ex.

Secondly, it will take time so give it time, you won't get over a 3 year relationship one day just because you want to. The length of time it takes is proportional to the length of the relationship; it took me over a year to get over a 2.5 year relationship. But it does get better. You're doing all the right things, keep busy, go out with friends, make new friends, if you find yourself thinking about her or feeling low make yourself do something else that occupies your mind. I got my best results in my college exams the year my boyfriend (who'd spoken about spending forever with me) broke up with me as studying was the only way I could get him out of my head!

I also found out from him he was seeing someone else shortly after and it is a major kick in the teeth. But I used it as a sign that we were never going to get back together and a stimulus to help me get over him.

You will get there even though it may seem like you never will, take heart.

Mmmoments

Hey guys,

I think, you've gotta change your focus from the ex to yourself. What do you miss so much? Her the person or the feeling of having someone?

OP - sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to me that it's hard because there seems to be no resolution and you never know what's truly going on. So if that's true - you need some alone time to figure it out for yourself without letting her opinion, thoughts etc influence you. This will just unjumble your head a little.

Hope this helps

Time will heal - but you need to help it to!

LegacyUser

samefeeling_guest wrote: »

going through something similar myself man.

Loved her to bits, still do, but can't seem to get over it at all. I'm afraid to go out in case I meet her, afraid to call friends in case they ask about her, afraid to meet people etc. I've put in extra hours at work but do nothing as I can't get it off my mind and I play sports but chase round like a lunatic as if I stop moving I think of her. My family & friends who know all say they hate seeing me like this, find another girl and move on etc, but easier said than done. The next person you meet should give you a better relationship than the last, but so far for me that's not happened. I'm an ok looking bloke, nothing special but I just don't think I will feel for anyone or they will feel for me like myself & my last partner did about each other.

It's very difficult, I know exactly how you are feeling and it hurts like mad, I can't get that hurt to go away either.

Sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. Just was finding it harder and harder the last few weeks. Not getting any easier which is what i'm really struggling with. These things are indeed easier said than done.

LegacyUser

@guestqwerty22

Thank you for the response. I really am trying to move on, just didn't know it would get so much harder before it gets better. My final year is starting soon so maybe it's a blessing in disguise!

You're right about the seeing someone else, maybe, hopefully it's the kick I needed to get started in the right direction.

Thank you.

@Mmmoments

Thanks for the advice. It's her that I miss, i'm not a person who would generally feel the need for a relationship for the sake of it. We went through alot together and she really was a best friend for me and to just lose that was tough to take. I wish I could fast forward time to help!

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I can appreciate fully how you feel. Im in a very similar position.
Read my thread....'Trying and Failing to get on with it'.

Everyone is giving the same advice here. The contact has to go. I know how hard it is.
But seems we have to be brave and start looking after ourselves for a while.....

Mmmoments

OP, you might think "what is she rabbiting on about" when you read the following but just think about it! It might help - it helped me when I was heartbroken. I was devastated. It wasn't until I accepted that it was really over that I could start to recover.

You have been through a lot together and its great you had each other when you needed to. And obviously if she is trying to keep you there on the outskirts of her life she isn't finding it easy to let go either but she has moved on from the relationship you had. So to move on to the next step - friendship or whatever - you'll have to have no contact for a while.

Do you feel like you can't cut contact in case she might come back wanting to try again? You can't move on if that's anywhere in your mind.

It's time to take care of you and relinquish all responsibility for how she feels or what is going on in her life. Tell her you are sorry she's having a rough time with xyz but you are having a rough time too and you need to deal with the breakup and you'd love her friendship in time.

Really hope this helps and isn't too blunt or too practical or anything..I do know how you feel. Wish you all the best. If you want to pm me to talk it out please do.

LegacyUser

I fully appreciate your feelings. Sometimes its easier to walk away when the other person has done something horrible and then you can actually deal with it better. However when your still in love with them and then you are left on your own its hard.
I have been there and I did everything wrong initially. I panic'd. I was in shock. I blamed myself. I cried for 3 months. I had good days then very bad days. But the biggest mistake I made was believing we would get back together. I clutched at straws. I did my best to keep in contact as much as possible.

In short I prolonged my own misery.

If someone does not want to be with you, you have to accept it. You do not want to be with someone that is not as into you or the relationship. You do not want to be with someone that can hurt you and walk away. You do not want to be with someone that if you get back with them you are going to be cautious of them leaving again.

You have to put some mass on yourself. You have to learn to be happy in yourself again.

I really really adored my boyfriend. I would have done anything to get it back. But he didnt want it anymore. He changed. He said he had to be selfish. All of my friends are more or less in serious relationships engaged or married. I am not being cocky. But I probably am one of the brightest, nice looking, popular socialable sporty and friendly girls in my group.
Yet this had to happen to me!!

Nobody knows whats around the corner. Life is short and you cant leave yourself after someone.

So cut the contact. Tell her now that shes seeing someone else that its not appropriate for her to be leaning on you. My ex boyf always tried to keep me at arms length even though he didnt want to be with me he liked knowing I was still around and available.

It totally sucks. It hurts like hell.

But somewhere inside you is a switch. You have to flick it. You have to tell yourself 100 times a day. Life is short just make the most of it. Learn to be happy with yourself again.
Learn to appreciate all the good that is in your life. Learn to look after yourself again.

She did not deserve you. Someone else out there will be so much better.

Just look after yourself for now. And believe that one day you will find true happiness with some fab girl.

Take it from me. Dont take any more kicks in the stomach.

Close it.

LegacyUser

Just want to say thank you to everyone for all the advice. I've known from the start that no contact was essential and that's what it was up until last week. So time to start that again.

den87

Went through something similar recently, its very tough. Best thing to do is cut contact as said. U need to take a look at yourself and question why one person is making you feel so bad. They shouldn't.

I try and ignore my ex, just have general chit chat, people say i've changed since we broke up-become bitter and dont care about anything, and they're right. Life gets easier when u decide you dont care, dont be nice to her, remember she dumped you. Im not gonna say hate her, but treat her like u do, it sounds stupid but it works

musicinyou

Op, man that’s some hard times to take, but I tell you this it will make you a better person, a stronger person!

Truth is, there are no tried methods for getting over someone! For making the hurt stop! Every single time will be different, im afraid its that old chestnut were the say time is the only healer, and this is true, sometimes weighing up the options helps, when you put it all in to perspective, all the reasons why its best that its over now! You can tell yourself you have loved, and its always better to have loved and lost than to ever have loved at all!

So she’s seeing somebody new, and I can only imagine how much that hurts, but I say this only so it will make you feel better, the other guy is someone that shes seeing in order to get over you! It could also be a mechanism to get you back, there may not even be another guy! You seem like a pretty cool guy, someone with a heart and no matter whos she’s with it wont ever be quite you! Because there is only one you!

Got to make a new break, cut contact! This is your first major step! Listen to some music, listen to the words of the greats who have been in your shoes, to identify is to relate and then to understand

Walk tall, keep smiling and one day your going to get up and all of a sudden you will feel better inside! This much I can promise

Stay safe, and never, ever stop smiling no matter how much you don’t feel it! The world is your oyster, go get em

LegacyUser

Honestly I know people say that the best way to get over someone is to start seeing someone else but that's so dangerous!! Speaking as someone who was recently a 'rebound fix' (although I didn't realise it at the time) be very careful.

I was seeing a great guy who (unbeknowst to me) had been going out with someone for 6 years, 4 months before we got together. Everything was going fine untilI think he realised that he hadn't given himself enough time to deal with the previous relationship. Give yourself time to get over her. There's no point in throwing another variable into the equation in the form of a new girlfriend before you're ready. Chances are it'll last a short while and then you'll be left dealing with the fall out of not just your LTR but also your rebound fling.

LaHaine

Know this feeling all too well. Time is the only thing that helps really. Unfortunate but true.

Mmmoments

den87 wrote: »

U need to take a look at yourself and question why one person is making you feel so bad. They shouldn't.

OP - That's vital to getting over it!

den87 wrote: »

I try and ignore my ex, just have general chit chat, people say i've changed since we broke up-become bitter and dont care about anything, and they're right.

Den and OP - don't allow someone who wasn't able to value you stop you from being good to the somone who does value you. Why be bitter? You weren't wrong to try to make it work with someone you cared about. If they didn't value your relationship enough or if they "fell out of it" which does happen - why would you want someone who isn't completely into being with you? Don't you deserve better than that? Forgive for your own sake. The opposite to love is indifference ie no emotional pull either negative or positive.