Have I any hope of winning.

LegacyUser

Tough question and I don't know if this is the right place but my ex is looking to pretty much half my access to my kids, every 2 weeks. Now the problem with this is I feel Im the only stable parent they have.

Looks like we're heaing for court atm, anyway I have witnesses to her assaulting me twice, once in front of the kids. I have already reported her for assaulting our daughter but opted not to bring her up for either. In the past she has thrown hot curry chips at our son, broke his finger while slamming a door out of temper. He has fallen down the stairs twice and being hospitalised under her care, once whilst I was in the house but she had him upstairs.
My son still wets himself at 6 and when I ask him about it, he says its cause of his mother always shouting. He rarely does it when with me except going home and he does it leaving school (which is a huge problem), he says when he sees her.

When pregnant she tried to kill our son by beating her stomach with a giant book, something that I believe led to his kidney problems. She constantly screams at the kids, is abusive and than walks away leaving me to calm the kids down.

Social workers were supposed to call after I reported the assault a couple of months ago but still nothing. I'm at breaking point. I don't want to get into a mud slinging battle with her but if this stuff will help my kids I feel I have to.

Anyway, is that enough evidence and have I any chance of full custody cause I can't bear the thoughts of seeing them once every 14 days and more importantly I know she's holding them back, my son is becoming an aggressive, bold and violent child since I've moved out.

sorry about the novel but I don't know where to ask.

Moonbeam

You need to document every incident. Report the violence.
Have other people witnessed it?
How old are the kids?
Were you married?
Are you applying for full custody?

Morag

You need to go and report all of it, make a report to social workers under the child protection act.

January

Go and report it to social services again, as soon as you can and then go and get yourself a good solicitor.

Klingon Hamlet

I want to wish you and your son all the best OP. That is bloody terrifying and fair play to you trying to keep things relatively civil. Can you get a barring order against her, on behalf of your child? He shouldn't ever have to face that awful abuse.

LegacyUser

thx for the replies. Its a tricky situation tbh. We've bein split up for about 14 months and I'm probably to blame for not doing this sooner. Its just I've bein hoping she'll come around, get help or something. My ex had a horrible upbringing that no one should and when I was ready to bring all this up last time about 7 months ago they had a family tragedy and it kind of put me off for awhile thinking maybe ths will make her see the light. I can't go into too much about it in case someone close to her sees the tragedy and knows who we both are.

Theres bein no word from the social workers since the incident and I really don't want to drag her through the mud which being on trial for assaulting a 3 year old would but I feel I'm left with no other option. Should I get back on to the garda who was supposed to send them?

Up till recently we've had shared custoday almost 50-50 but now she intends to try and to allow me only 65 days per year with the kids over night. I know some people get even less in court and I'm hugely worried but I think its time I stood up for myself and my children.
Am I likely to get less like one day every two weeks? And more so, is it likely to effect my case because I've held off for so long hoping she'll see the light?

Morag

You need to go directly to the on call social workers closest to you.
http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/Children_and_Family_Services/childrenfirst/adviceguidancesupports/adviceguidancesupports.html

She won't 'cop on' or get better with out help and never mind her what about the kids who are suffering? This has nothing to do with dragging her through the mud it is standing up and telling the truth for the sake of your children who you love and want to have a childhood where they are not abused.

Go talk to the socail workers ASAP.

January

I don't know why you aren't looking for FULL custody of your child(ren), especially if she is abusing them like you say she is.

catch me if you can

You need to get full custody of the kids.
Im a mother and im so upset reading your post.
All i know if it was my child being abused by her father.
If i got no where with the courts I would take the kids and run and never ever come back.
Also if this didn’t work i would get back with my ex and live in her hell to make sure my kids were somewhat safe and at least had me.
I don’t know what to say to you. These are your children, how can you even let them stay with her for one more night? Are you waiting till they become a story in the paper after being killed by her.

catch me if you can

im sorry but reading over this again, how can you have any sympathy for this so called mother? i dont care what her upbringing was. she knows right from wrong. many people have had hard horrific upbringings and still protect their children and love them.
You need to man up now today . you lay with this woman and fathered these kids. you have left your kids in an awful situation, great for you cos your free of the cow. but what about the kids? what were you thinking when you left them with her half the time when you knew how her temper was? do you read the papers, have you seen stories like baby p? dont you realise that a woman like her will most likely end up attached to some dickhead partner in future. no normal man will want her.
your their father, and you have got to do something and do it now. im so angry at this. i will prob get banned over my reply but for goodness sake they are children and they need you to be a proper father and save them from their mother. its as simple as that

LegacyUser

Hi guys thanks for all the replies much appreciated. I have a bit more time so I can reply properly.

Moonbeam - Theres witnesses to the assaults on me and my mother is witness to her dragging my son out the door. None for the other incidents. Never married but I do have joint guardianship.

Im meeting my solicitor today to decide on full custody or not. Tbh I don't know. I know the kids aren't safe which is pushing me for full but I know my ex loves them dearly and they love her for all her misgivings even though they don't want to be with her. Im also afraid that the judge will give me every second weekend and I'll have even less time which puts them at even more risk. From alot of studying these things have a way of going against men.

Sharrow and Jan - Im going to ask the solicitor if she can find out off the garda why SW never arrived. See my above reply about full custody.

Klingon Hamlet - Thx for the support. Im really considering getting a barring order to keep her from me. Dunno about the child. I have little evidence except my mothers word on one child and a report of an assault on the other. At the time I refused to prosecute her for hurting the child as she was attending councilling and being kind of civil before it happened. I still have time to though as these things are ok for 6 months I believe.

Catchmeifyoucan - I completely understand your anger and tbh I've bein taking her abuse for so long I guess it doesn't seem as bad to me as an outsider if that makes sense. I even offered to try and get back with her a couple of months ago so I could be there to protect kids. When I think of it now, stupid idea. I should of had this sorted ages ago and I blame myself for letting it get to this mess.

catch me if you can

confusedreallyconfused wrote: »

Hi guys thanks for all the replies much appreciated. I have a bit more time so I can reply properly.

Moonbeam - Theres witnesses to the assaults on me and my mother is witness to her dragging my son out the door. None for the other incidents. Never married but I do have joint guardianship.

Im meeting my solicitor today to decide on full custody or not. Tbh I don't know. I know the kids aren't safe which is pushing me for full but I know my ex loves them dearly and they love her for all her misgivings even though they don't want to be with her. Im also afraid that the judge will give me every second weekend and I'll have even less time which puts them at even more risk. From alot of studying these things have a way of going against men.

Sharrow and Jan - Im going to ask the solicitor if she can find out off the garda why SW never arrived. See my above reply about full custody.

Klingon Hamlet - Thx for the support. Im really considering getting a barring order to keep her from me. Dunno about the child. I have little evidence except my mothers word on one child and a report of an assault on the other. At the time I refused to prosecute her for hurting the child as she was attending councilling and being kind of civil before it happened. I still have time to though as these things are ok for 6 months I believe.

Catchmeifyoucan - I completely understand your anger and tbh I've bein taking her abuse for so long I guess it doesn't seem as bad to me as an outsider if that makes sense. I even offered to try and get back with her a couple of months ago so I could be there to protect kids. When I think of it now, stupid idea. I should of had this sorted ages ago and I blame myself for letting it get to this mess.

OP i understand when you are in an abusive relationship, it can seem normal.
But do you really believe she loves the kids? cos love is action it is not words.
I still think you should have stayed to protect those kids. sorry i know you dont want to hear that but they have no one to protect them. Just a father dragging his feet afraid to report the mother. your all to blame, you and all family members that are standing around saying isint it terrible and yet doing nothing.
the children do not have a voice. the mother is vile and god knows whats happening when your not there.
also i echo the point no normal man will ever take her on. and if she ends up with someone it will be a toxic partnership. get your kids out.

greengirl31

Op, I think I'd have to agree with Catch me if you can on this ...

How on earth can you leave your child in such a terrifying environment - You yourself had to get out of the abusive situation but you think it's alright to leave a 6 year old in it !!! I know it might sound harsh but what are you thinking. I know you are actively trying to keep things civil which is commendable but if this woman is as bad as you say she is then I doubt things are going to stay that way - If she's going to get nasty about this you're going to have to fight dirty !! Ask your solicitor what would be the consequences if you weren't to hand your son back after the next custody visit because you believe she is abusive and you have evidence etc ... You really need to step up here and be the adult and not be intimidated by your ex

That poor little boy, my heart goes out to him !!

Cat Melodeon

I think it is very easy for people who have never been in an abusive relationship to judge the inaction of others. OP, along with your solicitor, I'd advise you to contact this group: http://www.amen.ie/ They've been there, done that and can offer practical support and guidance on what your rights are and how you can begin to take action. Good luck.

Shelli2

At the end of the day, if something bad happens those children you will never forgive yourself, and rightly so, because you will be partly to blame - "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing".

You are their father, you owe it to them to make them safe, which right now they are not.

While I understand things may be difficult for you, those childrens well being MUST come first, above your feelings, above the mother (who doesn't deserve a second thought IMO), above everything!

I hope you find the courage to help them. X

catch me if you can

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I think it is very easy for people who have never been in an abusive relationship to judge the inaction of others. OP, along with your solicitor, I'd advise you to contact this group: http://www.amen.ie/ They've been there, done that and can offer practical support and guidance on what your rights are and how you can begin to take action. Good luck.

Im speaking from experience, having survived violence in an 8 year relationship. im out the other side and happily married to decent man.
get your kids out OP, or if you cant go back and look after them. and take her crap. why should they have to suffer when you could be there protecting them. they didnt ask to be born. when we have kids we put them first. by leaving them with her, you put your kids second.

pickarooney

Seriously, quit suggesting the OP 'man up' and take his children back by force. There's only one way that will end up and it's not happily ever after.

I don't know enough about Irish family law to understand for what reason the OP could have his access reduced but no matter how frustrating the situation this needs to be sorted out cleanly, by legal means.

Morag

pickarooney there is a system you have to push and fight for your kids when they are in harms way, yes it's bloody hard esp when the relationship has been an abusive one but I do know kids who were placed in their father's care when the mother was finally reported.
Socail workers know there are mothers who are abusive of thier kids, too many people don't report as they think they won't be believed, which is wrong.

Melion

Theres no doubt in my mind that these poor kids will end up with their "mother". The irish laws regarding things like this are a joke and really need to be looked at.

Morag

It is not the law it is the attitude and presumption of some judges that mother's are best for kids no matter what but that is changing.

celticcrash

Melion wrote: »

Theres no doubt in my mind that these poor kids will end up with their "mother". The irish laws regarding things like this are a joke and really need to be looked at.

:mad:Why dont you just kick the man while hes down.
A friend of mine has full custody of his kids, he wrote down everything,
texts, phone calls, made a log of his wifes abusive behavior.
Number one rule for any parent, protect the children.
The judge was like a bull when he read the reports, he told
his wifes solicitor to sit down and told him that if he meet her
in court again on anything got to do with child abuse he would
jail her. Granted full custody to the father.

Do the right thing. Protect the children.
Fight and keep fighting evenually you will win.
Dont listen to negitive comments

egan2020

OP you say that you are heading for a court hearing but from working in a legal environment, it appears to me that you don't have a huge amount of documented evidence of abuse. As has been previously said you need to report as much as possible. Courts normally tend to favour the mother where possible so your word against hers won't be of much benefit to you.

You don't say how old the children are. Is it a possibility that they could speak in court themselves? Some might say that it might be traumatic or overwhelming for a child to have to do this but in the long run and in your case, it might be for the best. In any case, your hearing would be carried out behind closed doors and judges are human and will talk to a child as a child and will have their best interests at heart.

up for anything

confusedreallyconfused wrote: »

TI have witnesses to her assaulting me twice, once in front of the kids. I have already reported her for assaulting our daughter but opted not to bring her up for either. In the past she has thrown hot curry chips at our son, broke his finger while slamming a door out of temper. He has fallen down the stairs twice and being hospitalised under her care, once whilst I was in the house but she had him upstairs.

Never mind seeking full custody, you should have been pressing charges or at least made statements to the Gardaí concerning these incidents. You should find out legally where you stand as to making retroactive statements although at this stage it could just look like you are making things up in advance of a custody hearing.

As others have said you have taken yourself out of the abusive situation which is commendable and requires a great deal of courage but now you have to dig deeper for more courage and fight to protect your children from a woman who sounds like a bit of a monster.

qwertytlk

confusedreallyconfused wrote: »

Theres bein no word from the social workers since the incident and I really don't want to drag her through the mud which being on trial for assaulting a 3 year old would but I feel I'm left with no other option. Should I get back on to the garda who was supposed to send them?

personally i wouldnt even ring the garda to get the social workers out. Get the phone book or do an internet search for the social work department in your local area and ring them for advice and to make an appointment for them to call out to you. They will be able to give you alot of advice on many of your questions in your original post. Best of luck