The dreaded Ex!

SiSi84

Advice needed re boyfriend and Ex, it's a long one!

I know these issues pop up a lot here and now I seem to be in the middle of one! So just some basic information I am with my bf for over 1 year now, both of us came out of long term relationships before this and we are both 27 and now live together. I let my ex go and put him behind me completely. I am of the opinion that they are ex's for a reason and I do not even wish to remain friends. He had been cheating on me and was basically never a very supportive or a mature partner, he has left me however with some lingering trust issues and I feel I am more suspicious now. My new BF is amazing, eveything I could dream of in a partner very loving, supportive and we have a lot of fun together. The one downside being his ex.

Randonly a few months ago when he asked me to shut down his PC and my curiosity got the better of me and I had a look at his e-mail. I have thought quite a bit about why I did this as I know it is abreach of privacy and would hate if he read my private e-mails so as much as I feel like a hypocrite I did actually find something I did not want to see.

There was a long string of e-mails back and forth from her basically starting with her apologising for her cheating on him and asking to be forgiven, the first e-mail sent when we were already living together. The e-mails were very matter of fact and just news, she seemed to be giving more information and news than he did. This made me uneasy but she actually lives thousands of miles away in another country so I thought I would let it be and if they wanted to remain friends accept it, as I have no right to dictate who he e-mails. However it is not my gut feeling I do not want him to write to her, she isn't a realistic threat to us as she doesn't even live here but something just does not sit well.

Anyway the reason I am posting is we are visiting this country for a holiday soon and I checked again recently and saw he had asked her opinion on the hotel we booked, not mentioning me at all in any of his e-mails or mentioning he even had a girlfriend (maybe I thought something you might leave out when emailing an ex as it may seem like rubbing it in?). She replied that it was a nice hotel and if he needed help with anything else to let her know. We will be in the city she lives in for a total of 5 days and I feel a bit sick at the thought of her either calling or wanted to meet either in secret or if I have to meet her would he tell me she is his ex or just say she is a friend?

I asked him once in passing a few weeks ago what he thought of ex's staying in touch as actually a close friend was having an issue with his ex, and he replied that he felt one person still had feelings if they wanted to stay in touch. He also has told me about their relationship and said he believes it got him where he is today and is happy with that so I do genuinely believe he is over her, I am just not sure she is over him.

So I guess what I am looking for is opionions on the e-mailing and how to handle this he is tries to meet up to catch up in secret or with me? I do not wish to meet her just for the fact she is his ex. I would assume he has no interest in meeting my ex just for fun? I know you will probably tell me to just talk to him about this but I just cannot bring myself to admit I looked at his e-mail....I am driving myself a bit mad worrying about him e-mailing her and wondering what will happen when we go. At the moment I feel like I will not give them a chance to meet and wonder do you think I am over-reacting? Thanks for reading!

Taltos

I am not going to get into you invading his privacy - you have admitted that is wrong and I am sure others may have an issue with it also.

My suggestion is simply to tackle this head on - why not suggest to him that since you are in her home city for 5 days that the 3 of you meet up for lunch some day...
You can gauge his reaction - and maybe even let him know how you have been feeling about this...

pilph

Have stayed in touch with exes before while in a relationship. I didn't have any feelings for them, I didn't love them, no problem.

If I had feelings for them or they confused me or if they were downright selfish then I'd close off contact. What you have suggested seems harmless. However if on holidays he suggested a few hours on his own, then maybe it would be something to worry about.

Tiocfaidh Armani

I find it a bit weird he never mentioned you like you weren't coming. Being honest I would worry if he wanted to do something alone on holiday after reading that. When I went to NYC with the missus even though it cost me an extra $40 to pay her in to watch two sports games (Celtic and All Ireland final) that she had no interest I had to bring her along, you don't go on holiday with your girlfriend and then feck off and leave her alone no matter what, so if he does I would worry, but that's just me.

SiSi84

Thank you for your replies!

I can get over them e-mailing each other even though it seems like when they are e-mailing it’s every day, however I am still worried about what will happen when we are there.

I do not like that he never mentioned me. I am pretty sure she is going to want to see him when we are there, I would go along as you said Sunflower it shows a united front, as awkward as I may feel I think it would be better than me getting mad with him about wanting to meet an old friend even if she is his ex as long as he is honest. But if they suggest meeting without me in e-mail or he suggests time apart when we are there I am afraid I am not ok with that and am going to have to admit to him I know he is meeting his ex and am hurt by it.

If he came out and told me about it I would be more ok with it. He e-mailed her where we were staying and she replied that is was too expensive and why didn’t he ask her for help. I just am getting a bit overly paranoid about it. I really hate confrontation and this is a tough one for me. As initially I did something wrong by checking but now I found something that makes me wish I never looked…

At the end of the day I do not believe he would cheat on me as she cheated on him to begin with, its more the dishonesty of the whole thing I don't like. I would meet her but if I am some kind of secret I don’t see how that will happen! Arrg! I think I have to wait and see how this unfolds as we are not going for a few more weeks, I just wish this was over as I feel like I have been through this before with my ex already!

shoes34

SiSi84 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies!

I can get over them e-mailing each other even though it seems like when they are e-mailing it’s every day, however I am still worried about what will happen when we are there.

He e-mailed her where we were staying and she replied that is was too expensive and why didn’t he ask her for help. I just am getting a bit overly paranoid about it. I really hate confrontation and this is a tough one for me. As initially I did something wrong by checking but now I found something that makes me wish I never looked…

You need to stop checking his e-mail account, because when he does find out he isn't going to be happy and it shows you don't trust him.

maybe this girl has a boyfriend now as well.

reprazant

SiSi84 wrote: »

At the end of the day I do not believe he would cheat on me as she cheated on him to begin with, its more the dishonesty of the whole thing I don't like. I would meet her but if I am some kind of secret I don’t see how that will happen! Arrg! I think I have to wait and see how this unfolds as we are not going for a few more weeks, I just wish this was over as I feel like I have been through this before with my ex already!

I am sorry but what dishonesty? What has he done wrong? You are the one who is going through all his mails and second guessing what his intentions are.

Unless you have gone through all his mails, how do you know you have not been mentioned? And if you have gone repeatedly through all his mails, then I would say break up with him as you are far too paranoid and untrusting to be going out with anyone.

Podgers

I had the same problem when i was going out with my ex girlfriend. i know how you feel.

her ex kept ringing her and she would be talking to him but would never tell him about me, this went on for months and i was hurt by it.

When i asked her why didnt she tell him about me she said she didnt want to hurt his feelings. She never concidered how i felt about it. she then had to tell him when he told her that he was going to the same place we were one night. before we broke up she got in contact with him again, he is married with 2 kids and it didnt bother me mainly because he knows about me and he is settled etc.

I think its best you say this to him, its just going to eat you up inside, if he told you to shut down the PC and it was open he gave you the opportunity to see it, even though it was unintentional. if the e-mails are

Did you ask him if he has been in communication with his ex? if he said no well then i would react. There is certain boundries in a relationship and i think you have to set them early. tell him how you feel.

i have friends who are still good friends with their ex's but their boyfriends or girlfriend knows about them and there doesnt seem to be any problem, but if he is hiding it from you well then maybe he is afraid of how you will react?

vicecreamsundae

does he know that you know his ex lives in the city you're visiting? next time you're discussing the holiday, just ask if she still lives there, and if there's any plan to meet up, and talk about it.
don't check his mail again. he hasn't been dishonest and it's unfair.

dixiefly

just wondering how, of all the places you could go to,you are going to the city she lives in on your holidays. 5 days there is a pretty high proportion of any holiday. Was it a city you had wanted to go to or was it at his suggestion?

You could also ask his does his ex know he is not with someone.

Ickle Magoo

dixiefly wrote: »

just wondering how, of all the places you could go to,you are going to the city she lives in on your holidays. 5 days there is a pretty high proportion of any holiday. Was it a city you had wanted to go to or was it at his suggestion?

This....

Before commenting on how to deal with this situation, I'm curious as to how this holiday came about...whether this is a city he is from or out of all the millions of possible destinations you just happen to be heading there?

I am a friend

Have you been checking his email for months?

It's a bit weird. He appears to be lying about being in touch with his ex especially the extent of it. Pretty unhealthy overall tbh

dafunk

I am a friend wrote: »

Have you been checking his email for months?

It's a bit weird. He appears to be lying about being in touch with his ex especially the extent of it. Pretty unhealthy overall tbh

How has he lied? He has omitted the truth but maybe that's because

1) he doesn't have this types of feelings for his ex anymore and getting an email is no different to getting one of anyone else. Do we talk our OHs through every text, email and fb message we get?

2) he thinks it will upset the OP, possibly result in a fight or make her think he has feelings for the ex (when he probably doesn't)



My concern would be who picked the destination?



I don't agree with shutting off contact from exs or making your oh shut off contact. Yes, the relationships ended for a reason but this is a person who who've loved and shared the most intimate parts of yourself with and who presumably has done the same with you. That's special, even when it has ended and to deny yourself or your oh contact with that person just isn't right IMO.

SiSi84

Hi OP here again!

Thanks again for the input, it has given me a lot to think about. So to answer some questions the trip is to Asia and for 4 weeks so 2 times we will pass through this city so a total of around 5 days. We both picked the country as it's somewhere I always wanted to visit he didn't really push for it.

I have mainly just been feeling really guilty since starting this thread as I feel a bit like I should trust him and not second guess if he may or may not want to meet her. He is just amazing and we just had such a lovely weekend I feel like I do not need to create problems in our relationship over this.

So I have decided to forget about it and just trust him, if he tells me they want to meet up I will be supportive and he has not been lying about it as it's my fault for looking anyway. I think yes he knows how I feel about my ex and how I never want to stay in touch so probably he knows I would not agree with them staying in touch.

If something actually does happen while we are there I will deal with it then but for now I really do have nothing to worry about just my own nosiness!

SiSi84

OP here again!

Just wanted some more opinions on this situation...So I have not checked any e-mails since the last time I wrote and decided to forget about it and well I was starting to feel a lot better. We are going in a few days and now suddenly last night he insists that he wants to do a martial arts class for an afternoon over the first few days. Immediately I felt a bit wary but just asked him some questions about it. I said I didn't mind coming along to watch or hang out in a nearby park or something while he does it and he was fairly insistent that he didn't want me to wait around for him. Now is it just me or is this a bit weird? I am so tempted to check his e-mail and just see if they have arranged to meet. It makes me really sad if he is lying about this, I don't know what to do. I told him basically as we have just arrived why not do the sight seeing first and he can do that when we pass through the city again later, but he was pretty insistent that he would be more ready for it at the beginning. He said I could go shopping or something and I said I didn't feel comfortable going off on my own in huge Asian city. So I am a bit worried and I am not sure if I have convinced myself that he wants to meet his ex, if there really is any harm in it or if I am just imagining it!! I don't know how to handle it, I thought I would just put my foot down and say no I'm not wandering around by myself when we just arrive and if he really wants to do this class I will wait for him. Is this crazy? Really unreasonable? Again I don't feel he would cheat but somehow it stills feels like a betrayal just wanted to meet her without telling me. Should I just trust him and let me go to this class or put across that I don't want to be left alone and see how much he wants to do this?

LittleBook

Taltos wrote: »

My suggestion is simply to tackle this head on - why not suggest to him that since you are in her home city for 5 days that the 3 of you meet up for lunch some day...
You can gauge his reaction - and maybe even let him know how you have been feeling about this...

Did you do this? Did you even mention that you realise ("accidentally") that he's still in touch with his ex? Does he even know that you're aware that his ex is in this city?

There's a too much second-guessing going on, you need to ask him straight out what's up. Don't check his e-mail, that's gone too far already.

SiSi84 wrote: »

We are going in a few days and now suddenly last night he insists that he wants to do a martial arts class for an afternoon over the first few days ... I told him basically as we have just arrived why not do the sight seeing first and he can do that when we pass through the city again later, but he was pretty insistent that he would be more ready for it at the beginning. He said I could go shopping or something and I said I didn't feel comfortable going off on my own in huge Asian city.

Aside from "the dreaded Ex" issues, I agree with Tiochfaidh on this:

Tiocfaidh Armani wrote: »

When I went to NYC with the missus even though it cost me an extra $40 to pay her in to watch two sports games (Celtic and All Ireland final) that she had no interest I had to bring her along, you don't go on holiday with your girlfriend and then feck off and leave her alone no matter what, so if he does I would worry, but that's just me.

I wouldn't be happy at all being left on my own on holiday in a strange city (particularly at the beginning) unless it was something that was mutually agreeable.

There are two scenarios here ... he's lying and he's planning to cut into your holiday together to visit his ex-girlfirend on his own ... he's telling the truth and the e-mail contact with the ex is perfectly harmless and innocent and he just really, REALLY wants to do a martial arts class for the first few afternoons of your holiday (which, personally, I find quite selfish anyway).

You (and we) can speculate until the cows come home but really I think it's time to talk to him or your holiday will be completely ruined.

Neyite

I am pretty easygoing, but no way would I want to be left on my own in a foreign country not knowing where my boyfriend is or how to get hold of him in an emergency. What if he got run over on his way back? or something happened to me?

Martial arts my ar$e. He clearly wants to meet her. It may be totally innocent, but then why lie?

Just say "you wouldnt be going off to meet X by any chance? She lives here now, doesnt she?" and watch his reaction. If he was lying to me to meet someone else, I would be on the next plane home, alone.

if he's telling the truth, which seems unlikely, he's an inconsiderate git - leaving you on your own in a strange continent with no way of knowing where he is?

seems more likely he is lying to meet her. i would be asking serious questions and thinking twice baout the whole thing if he thinks it's acceptable to lie about meeting her. not just meeting her, but lying about it repeatedly.

i'd do what neyite said

SiSi84

Thanks for the replies. I'm gonna come out and ask him tonight, no doubt we will be planning what we are doing this weekend. I have been researching things to do and will tell him I am not happy about being alone at all in this city. If he wants to go to the class I will go along and wait! Tonight I will ask if she still lives there (although I know she does) and ask if he keeps in touch? That is innocent enough right?And then gauge his reaction.

I feel it is really selfish and unfair of him to do this. I wish I could be the uber relaxed girlfriend and not get bothered by this as I do know he wouldn't cheat as she had cheated on him to begin with. I just don't like the sneaking around (if it is even sneaking around). I need to stop guessing and start asking, I feel really scared to do it though! But I know I will feel better and relieved if I do. If he lies and says she doesn't live there any more then what do I say?? If he says she is there and they do keep in touch I guess we can talk about it. We are so open about everything in our relationship it pains me to have this problem! Is it really awful if he wants to catch up with her as friends am I being unreasonable? I know it's not my business who he is friends with but be honest its just the sneakiness of it that gets me! I would go
along if he asked me to go, but somehow I don't think that would happen!

Pebbles68

Ding ding ding ding.......... that's the alarm bells going off in my head.
Is he into martial arts? If he is why only one class in 4 weeks? If it is that important to him I'd expect him to be looking to try to plan a class in every location you visit.

I'm fairly independent but going on holidays with my OH means I'm with my OH. I would not expect to be left on my own in a strange city, with a different culture and a language barrier. I'd insist on going with him. Tell him you'd prefer to bring a book and sit waiting for him. Or better still, "do you think I'm going to miss the chance to watch you have the experience of a life time?"

If you still get objections you then have a serious decision to make. It may be innocent but it is still a secret meeting.

Best of luck

I am a friend

Op I would not normally advocate snooping but this guy appears to be acting in a less than honest manner. It sounds dodgy and I think I would be checking his mail first, having all the facts and then seeing what he has to say for himself. If he finds out you gave been checking his email it will probably finish but if you find out he is lying, surely it's finished anyway??

moco

I am a friend wrote: »

Op I would not normally advocate snooping but this guy appears to be acting in a less than honest manner. It sounds dodgy and I think I would be checking his mail first, having all the facts and then seeing what he has to say for himself. If he finds out you gave been checking his email it will probably finish but if you find out he is lying, surely it's finished anyway??

I'd be checking his e mails too to see if he's arranged to meet her. If you broach the subject of her living there, are they still in touch etc. he might get suspicious that you've been in his e mail and might delete all correspondence. If I were you I'd have a look at the e mails again, in which case you may find they have no plans to meet at all...or at least you'll have all the facts.

Neyite

Dont check his email. You dont need to. While I personally would be suspicious, I would talk to him first in any case to see what is really going on.

You seem afraid of any kind of confrontation /discussion with him. You say you want to appear the laid-back girlfriend, but you are leaning too far back that you are a doormat. Saying no to something can be done in a nice way. The way to get the answers from him is to be assertive, calm and firm. A simple question is all you need - one that should have been asked long before you went away with him - you have spent 3 months stressing over this ex, and possibly for no reason at all.

I think the real reason you have not asked him straight is because you dont want to get the wrong answer from him - confirmation that he is meeting her. Even if he has agreed to meet her, it may not be the end of the world. He may not have wanted you to know he was meeting an old flame for closure because you would be really really upset. Maybe the last time he saw her he was broken by her cheating and he wants to tell her face to face that he has moved on with someone wonderful. Maybe he just wants to hear her acknowledge that she treated him badly at the time. It may not be to cheat with her. But until you talk to him, you wont know whats in his head. Certainly no-one here can tell you.

Stand up for yourself. You are far away from home with a guy you dont trust as far as you would throw right now. You need to know one way or the other.

finfinfin

1-myself and a good number of no pals do either Krav maga,kick boxing,jujitsu or caporeira.all martial arts we've been practising for years.when we go on holidays with our ladies its the last thing we wanna do!we wouldn't even dream of Googling a class in a foreign city!I know myself I get killed for training 4 nights a week by my girlfriend so training on holidays is a no no.I wouldn't want to anyway.holidays is for relaxing and growing closer together.

2 does he even train in a martial art?cause believe me its not something you pick up in a class while on holiday.

3 I'd say he's meeting up with your one.dump him,he's clearly a Muppet and you seem lovely.plenty of lovely young fellas out there for ya.

SiSi84

Thanks again guys, this is really eating me up. We just had lunch together and he asked why I am so quiet....we got talking about the weekend and I said I definitely was not going anywhere alone and would come along to watch him if he was going to do the class.

Yes he does do this martial art, he is really into it actually and he wants the chance to do a workshop while we are there. When I said I was under no circumstances going around alone he kind of went quiet and said it's a really safe city. I am at a loss, he is really is a truly amazing person (except this issue obviously!) and even though I am convinced he wants to see her, maybe it is though as you said Neyite to get some closure. The last time he saw her he had just paid to fly there and had to buy a flight home straight away and as far as he told me left things in a really bad way.

I know I am being a push over and will put my foot down and will ask about this tonight. I am fine with him getting some closure if he needs it but arrrg he can just talk to me about it. It seems pretty clear he wants to remain friends its just the way he is maybe trying to meet her feels really unfair to me. I think he is not telling me because he knew it would upset me, thinking back to when we just started dating I had to drop back my ex's stuff when I was home and didn't mention it to him, however that was not really the same. Thanks for your words of advice!

Carriexx

Hes not being doshonest really -maybe he needs closure but doesnt want to upset you by meeting her - but you need to get it out of him or this will ruin everything!!

Jagera

After having been broken up with her for over a year, and been in a live-in-relationship with you, why would he need closure?

If anything, it will be the opposite if he meets her in person - "Opener"

i.e. - old feelings dug up, old wounds forgotten. At the very least, she'll be getting back into his life on a larger scale.

I am a friend

OP it doesnt matter why he wants to see her (if he does) it matters that he is willing to (if he is) blatantly lie to you to achieve that....

silly

Carriexx wrote: »

Hes not being doshonest really -maybe he needs closure but doesnt want to upset you by meeting her - but you need to get it out of him or this will ruin everything!!

Ahm.... He is being dishonest of he is planning on meeting his ex instead of doing the marital arts class. Which seems very likely as he is so dead set against her going with him.
Best of luck with the chat tonight op.
Don't let it go on any longer.

ziedth

I really like the idea of suggesting on meeting the ex for a coffee/lunch and seeing his reaction.

Anyway, whatever you do OP when confronting him about this don't read mention that you have looked at his emails. You have admitted you did wrong (which it was but hardly a deal breaker) and he'll use it to deflect.

I'd be very wary of his story. I understand if he is into his martial arts that he'd be mad for the lesson but not wanting you to tag along or be near is dodgy at best.

Good luck.

username123

Heres what Id do:

Id sit him down and say 'listen, I have something to tell you. I looked at your emails a while ago and saw that you had been in touch with your ex. I shouldnt have done that, Im sorry. But now we are going on holidays to a place where she is and youre acting all weird about some martial arts class and Im worried because (a) you never told me you were in touch with her and youve been emailing her and (b) youre acting weird about martial arts and (c) Im afraid you are trying to meet up with her behind my back. Sorry again about seeing your emails'.

And that way its all out in the open and if its no big deal then he probably wont mind her looking at his emails - I know my husband wouldnt give a fiddlers if I looked at his emails. On the other hand, if it is a big deal - then she knows before she goes and probably wouldnt want to continue on with someone who is going behind her back on emailing the ex and meeting up with her.

Morally, him emailing the ex and never mentioning is bad, as is checking his emails - but if I were the OP Id take the higher moral ground and come clean about looking at the emails just to open the situation and not have this sneaking around going on.

Miss Fluff

I think that's super advice from username123. I think this has consumed you for three whole months now and I think it's time to come clean. Personally I'd tell him that he left his emails open on the PC and you saw her name - you don't have to go into the extent of the snooping but you do need to tell him that you know they are in touch and it has sent you into a spiral of uncertainty and paranoia. I'd have it out with him and find out what's going on. You're only going to have an utterly miserable time on holiday if you don't sort this out before going.

SiSi84

Hi guys, so thank you all for your advice. If it was not for you I would not have had the courage to ask him.

Last night I came out and told him I accidentally read his e-mail, saw he was in touch with his ex and told him I felt it was disrespectful and if he wanted to meet her to just tell me, I told him it was ruining my excitement for the trip and thought we could talk to each other about everything. His reaction was pretty surprising, he got really upset saying it has been weighing on his mind for the last few weeks and yes they have been in touch and he said he really feels like it was not resolved with her. He said basically he just wants to see if she is sorry and what she has to say, as when he found out she was cheating he left and flew home the next day so they never really discussed it. He was very upset saying he loves me and I am the most important to him and he does not want me to feel any pain because of it. I told him I trust him and want him to be happy and told him to go and meet her when we are there and get the closure he needs. He said he did actually want to do the class and still does but was hoping to talk to her also. He seemed incredibly relieved and said he is not even sure he knows what to say but he knows he has no feelings just wants a proper apology. So I told him I will support him getting this closure he needs and he just thanked me and told me he loved me and as long as I don't mind it would help him.

I just really want to thank you all for pushing me and your advice, I feel 100% relieved, 100% closer to him and told him never to lie to me about anything and told him he can tell me anything. I even learnt that no good comes from bottling things up myself. I am not worried now about them meeting, I trust him and know he needs it and he promised it can just be forgotten about after they talk. So we leave tomorrow and now I actually feel excited again! Thank you so so much for all your help!

Ickle Magoo

As your issue has been resolved, I'm going to lock the thread.

All the best OP. :cool: