Thinking of therapy for this.

LegacyUser

I'm a 30 year old male. I've come to that cross-roads in life where friends are in relationships and having babies, some are emigrating, and now, I find myself being left behind. And the thought of this is beginning to affect my life. To put it bluntly, I'm freaking out a bit.

This year has been especially stressful. In January, I lost my job. Thankfully, I was able to work temporarily for a few months, and am now fully employed once again. And I like my job. So from that respect, there is no problem. And I consider myself very lucky in that respect. I'm also healthy and fit, so again, I count myself lucky.

I have quite a few friends. But this is where the problem begins. A lot of my friends have had to go abroad due to lack of work, and various other reasons. My closest friends are all in relationships, and two of them are having babies. Fewer people are around, and I completely understand that. I've made moves to go out an meet new people. I've signed up for a few night classes in things I have interest in, so I'm not sitting around waiting for stuff to happen to me.

And yet, I cannot stop stressing about being single and being 'left behind.' I've been on a couple of dates this year (from online dating, which I've subsequently given up on), but I got stood up twice, which did cause me to doubt myself for a while, but I ultimately realised that neither of these incidents were anything to do with me. I did everything right, but they were just two cases of 'one of those things.' And yet I do stress out about it. And over-analyse. And unfortunately it's gotten to the point where I'm losing a lot of sleep over this.

I know, I should be happy in myself. And honestly, I am happy with who I am. My friends never have anything but good things to say about me, even to the point of unsolicited compliments, and I am really chuffed and happy with that! But then there is this niggling doubt that I'll ever find someone, and sometimes that gets exacerbated. So I'm thinking the only thing that'll make me break this pattern is CBT or perhaps some hypnotherapy. To be honest, I'd just like to be happy being single. To not be stressing about this problem all the time. I'd really appreciate peoples' input

Taltos

Pre-emptive.
No diagnosing or medical advice please.

Taltos

ongarboy

Hi OP, I read on another post in this forum recently something along the lines of how one should strive to just be happy within themselves and that having a partner should only enhance or complement that happiness but not be the source of that happiness. I thought it was very good advice. You are asking can you be happy and single. Why should your happiness by determined by whether you are single or not? Likewise, having a partner does not make your fears, insecurities or personal unhappiness go away.

You have listed a number of attributes and circumstances in your life that make you feel good (back in work, healthy, friends admire and complement you). They are wonderful achievements. Can you try and focus on the positive things that are already in your life rather than the things you don't have?

If you've never been to a counsellor before, I would suggest availing of one to help you explore ways to find happiness within yourself ( that does not mean finding ways to be happy for being single but for being happy for who and what you are). If you are truly happy within yourself than you will not be unhappy for being single. Finally, I do believe people (genuine good people) are drawn to happy people.

LegacyUser

It's not so much can I be happy being single. I'm absolutely certain I can. And a great deal of the time, I am happy too. But in those moments when I do start dwelling on the idea of being in a relationship, that's when I start to worry I'm missing out. As one friend put it 'you're in the shop, it's closing and you haven't found your messages yet.' It's this mindset I want to snap out of so that it's never an issue I dwell on.

Zen65

Therapize wrote: »

As one friend put it 'you're in the shop, it's closing and you haven't found your messages yet.' It's this mindset I want to snap out of so that it's never an issue I dwell on.

Your friend is none too helpful.

At 30, the shop is not due to close for many years yet. Furthermore, there are many more shops that stay open indefinitely. Stop panicking!

As for the "niggling doubt" you speak of, this is not unique to you. At various stages in life we all have some level of niggling doubt:

• Should I be more successful in my career?
• Should I have done better in my exams?
• Is this the person for me?
• Could I have found a better partner?
• Am I settling too young?
• Am I ready for this baby?
• Is this illness serious?
• Am I ugly?
• Will others notice my body odour or [insert image issue here]?
• Will anybody notice me?
• ......

The list goes on, obviously. For you the issue is how to deal with your current doubts, and the best answer to this is to have as much fun as you can at your stage in life, but prepare for possible changes. Develop interests in sport, arts, hobbies etc and widen your social circle. You are not trying to hunt a partner, you are merely trying to ensure that you have a wide circle of friends. Given that social exposure, life has a way of taking over and bringing you all sorts of opportunities.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

I'm 30 as well but its sometimes you don't meet the right one's so I'm not going to settle for second best. But its harder for a women at 30 than a man. But they say anyway when you least expect it you meet the right one, well im sticking to that.

Think if your 30 your wiser than someone else life experience etc so your more likely to meet someone than really suits you. Don't look it will happen ( So they say)

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. I understand the idea that you should forget about it, let it go, and it'll happen when ypu least expect it. And, like you, abie, I'd rather be with someone I'm completely happy with, than settle just for the sake of it. And however long that takes, so be it. That's the rational part of me talking. Unfortunately, the irrational part of me sometimes kicks its way to the front and demands its voice, shouting about 'you're running out of time! Do it! Do it now or else!' And then, I tend to dwell on that. Too much. This is why I sometimes think a spot of therapy might help. Just to break the cycle and be more content just with myself.

dellas1979

Yeah - we all need assurances at stages in our lives. 30 is still very young!
Maybe turning 30 clicked something in your head? Like "Im 30 and I have to be in a relationship-****-im not-*queue panic*".

Unfortunately, life might be like a box of chocolates-doesnt give us the chocolates that we like (that Forrest Gump has alot to answer for), but dont loose faith. You never know what is around the corner. But be happy in yourself (even if that means getting help), and it wont hit so hard/be on your mind so much. In 32, single, and still alive. Am sure you'll be fine!!