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I keep giving ultimatums, I'm a bad person

  • 14-09-2011 9:25pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello,

    I have had a couple of fairly destructive arguments with my other half. It turns out I'm forever giving ultimatums, a couple of which could be percieved as the possibility of breaking up.

    I have only come to this realisation and I feel absolutely miserable as a result. It was pointed out to me by the other half who says I do it quite often. How the other half puts up with me I do not know.

    This person is the world to me and I love them very much. I do not want to destroy this relationship which I want to last forever.

    Any advice?

    Thanks for reading.


Comments

  • #2
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    unreg23 wrote: »

    Any advice?

    Stop doing it.

    Possibly print out your OP and read it every evening to yourself for a few weeks, to remind yourself of what it is you want to stop doing.


    Be at peace,

    Z


  • #3
    nicechick!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 440 ✭✭nicechick!


    unreg23 wrote: »
    Hello,

    I have had a couple of fairly destructive arguments with my other half. It turns out I'm forever giving ultimatums, a couple of which could be percieved as the possibility of breaking up.

    I have only come to this realisation and I feel absolutely miserable as a result. It was pointed out to me by the other half who says I do it quite often. How the other half puts up with me I do not know.

    This person is the world to me and I love them very much. I do not want to destroy this relationship which I want to last forever.

    Any advice?

    Thanks for reading.

    Think of the future if there are certain behavior/attitudes that trouble you or you dislike can you keep quiet and just let go or will it eventually become a complete head wrecking situation!

    Maybe if you broach a subject or issue that bothers you calmly and avoiding an argument as things tend to get said in the heat of the moment which generally most of us regret... and probably don't have much to do with the actual situation

    If its a case that this happens often is it related to one element or a number of them? I suppose look at your behaviors are you being to harsh? On the other hand you may have every right to be angered etc making demands isn't the best way as you'll both end up frustrated and annoyed


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for your replies.

    I agree with both of you and as the first reply said I'll just have to stay on track and remind myself of what not to do. I'm not sure where it comes from, possibly a bit of immaturity and lack of experience...

    Thanks again.


  • #5
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    Why are you giving these ultimatums? If there are things in the relationship which are making you unhappy, then giving ultimatums seems a more reasonable way of taking some control over the situation than many other responses. You haven't given any details of the cause, but many people would only resort to ultimatums when they are feel they are not being listened to and rational arguement has failed to produce any improvement in someone's behaviour. Although if you overuse them, they become meaningless.


  • #6
    Wurly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    guest thank you wrote: »
    Thanks for your replies.

    I agree with both of you and as the first reply said I'll just have to stay on track and remind myself of what not to do. I'm not sure where it comes from, possibly a bit of immaturity and lack of experience...

    Thanks again.

    Are you insecure? It could come from you wanting the person to 'fight' for you. So you guys have a fight lets say. She doesn't do what you want her to do. So you threaten to pull the plug in the hope that she'll come running after you.

    Or

    It could be do with with fear. You have a fight and suddenly the certainty you had when things were going well has been taken away. So in order to feel certain again, you need to feel in control. So you threaten to pull the plug to prove you 'cant be walked over', kinda thing..

    Either of these examples resonate with you? You are pulling the plug to fill a need that's not being met at that particular moment in time.

    Could be control, could be certainty. So the best way to stop this is.. when you feel like doing it, ask yourself - 'what need am I trying to fill at this particular moment?'. Then, go and do something else that would fill that need.

    Best of luck. You are not a bad person. x


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