Worried college first year!

whatcartoget

I posted here before and ye gave me advice which I am very thabk full for. I am going to be honest here now.
My name is Will and I am almost 19 and I recently started college. I went to a school where a was bullied by a lot of people and I never really settled in there. I actually hated the place so much. I often have night mares over school and I am nervous even thinking about it now.
Now to the present day. I picked a college course that I thought I would have liked but I actually feel now I don't I barely talk to any one in the year and when I do they basically laufgh at me. So this doesn't help. Now to the college. It is a lot bigger than school which I don't mind. but most people walking around have some one to talk to and I have no one. I feel like the biggest plonker ever. I however did meet an old friend and he will be in the college from next Monday so this might help.
Now, I am not complaing about them but I am not connecting with my other room mated at all. All 3 of them play guitar and I do not they are also into heavy metal music and play it constanly and I totally dislike heavy metal but I put up with it.
The apartement I am staying in is in a mess but I haven't complained to them about anything I just try and be sound to them letting them eat my food and drink my drink etc. My other main problem is these guys marely eat anyting except toast and maybe a slice of chesee and I feel like a really big plonker because I really enjoy my food and I haven't being able to since moving in here. I enjoy making a proper meal in the evening and I can never imagine doing that here.
All the other guys in the apartement smoke and I don't I put up with the smell of smoke but I hate it and also all my clothes are smelling of smoke now as well. I am after drinking a lot of alcohol to try and fit in with the guys as well and now I feel like I am going to pass out neary. In the last day or two I have drank 6litres+ of bulmers and a couple bottles of bud and a bit of vodka and I went from drinking this to have a pint of bud on a school trip.
I am just so awkard around other people and I am just hating college it is worst than school to be honest at least in school I could go home and relax but here I don't have that option the only chance I ever to get to relax is in the shower.
When the family ask me how I am getting on I say I am grand anf enjoying myself but I am not they have saved money yo allow me to do the and My accomadation is booked up until june so I there is money going on that all ready+ the other expenceses.
Any advice please?

woodchuck

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time atm… if it makes you feel any better a lot of people find it all very daunting in the beginning and it can take a bit of time to settle in and establish a group of friends. I think I remember you posting before and I had told you that this is a great opportunity to reinvent yourself. But it takes time. While college was the best thing to happen to me, for the first few months I had the runs every morning from nerves of going in and talking to new people (sorry if too much info :P).

It sounds like it’s early days yet, so keep trying to talk and interact with your classmates. Are they actually laughing at you? Or do you just THINK they are? After all the bullying over the years it would be easy for you to misinterpret ‘having a laugh’ as being laughed at. If there’s any question in your mind, give them the benefit of the doubt. This isn’t school, they don’t know anything about your past, they have no reason to laugh at you so they’re probably not.

And don’t expect every person you talk to be a long term friend… you will (or should) talk to a LOT of people in the first few weeks/months and groups tend to naturally form between people with common interests etc. So don’t just nod along, use this opportunity to find some people on the same wavelength as you. If you have lunch with a few people and decide they irritate you or you have nothing in common with them, then just move on and try interacting with some new people the next day. Have you joined any societies? That’s a great way to find people with a common interest!

By all means meet up with your friend who is starting there, but try not to use this as a security blanket. This is the time when you should be branching out and trying to make your own friends, don’t just tag along with him and his crowd.

As for the living situation, it’s great that you’re making an effort with your housemates, but don’t feel pressured to be someone you’re not. If you want to stop after 1 or 2 beers, then do. And if you want to cook, then cook! Presumably there’s a common kitchen area that you’re entitled to use, nobody should care if you use it. Stop trying to mimic how your housemates act, just be yourself.

But don’t let yourself get walked all over. I know you think you’re being nice letting them eat your food and drink your drink, but this could very easily end up with you being a doormat. Be careful you don’t go to the other extreme though and become the person who labels everything etc. but do put your foot down if you feel you need to.

If you need a bit of alone/study time when you come home, then go to your room and do what you need to do. Try not to become a hermit, but you live there too and are entitled to spend your time how you want. A lot of people just need to ‘recharge their batteries’ after a long day.

If you’re still not happy there next year, then find some new accommodation for 2nd year. By then you might know some people from college that also want to houseshare.

Chin up! I know it sucks at the moment, but seriously just keep at it and make a big effort to talk to a LOT of people and you should be able to make some good friends. Set yourself goals if you have to. Eg. Once a day make sure to talk to one new person, or sit next to a ‘stranger’ in a lecture or go to one club/society/college event per week.

ClimberC

I felt like sh1t when i first started college. It will get easier. Societies day will be soon enough. Its the main way to meet people. Pick a society that you might/will enjoy and stick with it. You will eventually make friends.

The people in your course are most likely not laughing at you. I feel like that at time but sure they dont know you so have no reason to laugh at you.

As for the housemates, cook what you want, its your house. Tell them that you dont want them eating/drinking your stuff, but dont loose the head over it!

Dont drink if you dont want to! Drinking isnt the be all and end all. its over rated and expensive. If your friends are drinking, you dont have to. if they offer you one (sounds like they wont tho :rolleyes:) just say"no your grand" . It doesnt mean they wont accept you because you wont drink.

I know it all seems sh1t but once you make your couple of buddies things will get easier!

GAAman

Hi Will, i have to say that reading your post was almost like reading something of my own experiences. I was so badly bullied in school i actually went "on the mitch" for so many days in a row they ran out of room on the card they send home and wrote dates on the back of it!

I was bullied that badly i ended up leaving school aged 15 to persue an apprenticeship, very long story short i re-entered education and managed to get into university..........150 miles away from my home! It was a huge step and bear in mind i did not drink for my first year here it made making friends fairly difficult. After that first year i started having a social life and joined a gaelic team and made a good few friends, there was always the thought about bullys but to be honest as time goes on that will leave.

When i lived in uni accomodation i was very lucky compared to yourself, are you in uni allocated accomodation or is it a house share? Either way there will be some contract in place and these guys are breaking it so that gives you a get out clause if you need it. After a couple of years i moved into a houseshare with one friend and a randomer and my blood is boiling even thinking about it. The friend was fine but the randomer, well i wont go into it for my own sake as well haha!

I moved out of the houseshare and got my own place. It has been a big financial burden but honestly i am so glad i did. It might well be an option for you too

Oh i forgot about your college course, i have a pretty big background in computers a few different certs and a diploma, foundation degree in computer science and i was studying computer science but was miserable. So i changed to psychology and actually looked forward to classes whereas i dreaded them before

Dont be afraid of change, it will make you who you are

stacexD

For the accomodation part of it, you said you've paid up until June so I'm assuming it's an appartment complex?
If it is, have a word with the landlord and see if theres any way of swapping appartments while it's still early on in the year. A few people I know did this last year with no problems or extra charges or anything like that. The smoking issue and music would be a good excuse if you give that a try.

Firetrap

I've been reading your posts and it's clear that the bullying you experienced has wrecked your self-esteem. You've a choice here. You can either hide away from your classmates and the world in general or you can try to improve your social skills and not be so terrified of everyone.

You want to make friends but unfortunately for you, they're not going to knock on your door. You have to make the effort yourself. I'm sure your body language isn't helping either and is making people in your class stay away. Starting today (if you read this), or on Monday, start talking to your classmates. Sit beside someone, ask them what they think of the course and take it from there. Smile. Act like you're interested in what they're saying. You don't have to be hilarious or poetic or anything like that. Most people are more than happy to chat. If your classmates see you speaking to people, perhaps more of them will start conversations with you.

As for your flatmates, don't try to keep up with their drinking if it's not your thing. Don't be afraid to cook your meals. So what if they're surviving on alcohol and cheese sandwiches. That's their problem, not yours. Stand up for yourself - they should not be taking your food. Because you are trying too hard to be their friend, you are coming across as a doormat and they are trampling right over you.

If there's a student counselling service in your college, would you consider gong to see someone? It wouldn't do you any harm because I reckon you have a lot of stuff to unload and having a chat with someone who doesn't know you from Adam would do you so much good.

solovely

Firetrap wrote: »

I've been reading your posts and it's clear that the bullying you experienced has wrecked your self-esteem. You've a choice here. You can either hide away from your classmates and the world in general or you can try to improve your social skills and not be so terrified of everyone.

You want to make friends but unfortunately for you, they're not going to knock on your door. You have to make the effort yourself. I'm sure your body language isn't helping either and is making people in your class stay away. Starting today (if you read this), or on Monday, start talking to your classmates. Sit beside someone, ask them what they think of the course and take it from there. Smile. Act like you're interested in what they're saying. You don't have to be hilarious or poetic or anything like that. Most people are more than happy to chat. If your classmates see you speaking to people, perhaps more of them will start conversations with you.

As for your flatmates, don't try to keep up with their drinking if it's not your thing. Don't be afraid to cook your meals. So what if they're surviving on alcohol and cheese sandwiches. That's their problem, not yours. Stand up for yourself - they should not be taking your food. Because you are trying too hard to be their friend, you are coming across as a doormat and they are trampling right over you.

If there's a student counselling service in your college, would you consider gong to see someone? It wouldn't do you any harm because I reckon you have a lot of stuff to unload and having a chat with someone who doesn't know you from Adam would do you so much good.

+1 on all of this.

It sounds like you are carrying forward issues from before. Having followed your previous posts, I'd hoped college would be a big new start for you, and it still can. You're only just beginning. When you wake up every morning, try fill your head with positive thoughts, self talk, tell yourself that you are a worthwhile interesting person, and that today you are going to make a friend. Don't let negative thoughts enter your head. It's hard to do I know, but you need to really believe in yourself. People aren't laughing at you, people have no reason to dislike you. Half the people in your class know nobody else either.

So, chat to somebody new today. Don't rely on guys. Try make female friends too.

The counsellor idea is also a good one. Have a look into it.

Have you thought about what clubs and socs you want to join? Also, do you have a part time job, or are you looking for one? These are great ways to meet people.

Danniboo

Hey Will,

So sorry to hear about your situation. Firstly I think you should sort out your living arrangements. I don't get the impression that your going to stand up to a gang of heavy metal booze guzzling aholes (and who'd blame you:rolleyes:) so I would suggest you contact your landlady and ask her what she can do. If its a decent reputable student quarters I doubt smoking is even allowed indoors. Also the stealing of your food is not on, you should even try to broach this with them. Perhaps say something in passing like "Breads all gone lads who's turn is it to buy some next", if they look at you as if to say what the hell are you on about just say "well we're all eating it so I thought we were all paying for it". Let them know you're not going to be treated like a doormat OP. I know confrontation can be icky and some people aren't naturally assertive but trust me when you do stand up for yourself you'll feel a lot better.

As for the meeting people in college, have you joined any of the social clubs, might be a good way of meeting people with the same interests as you and could improve your confidence.

Also very important OP I think you should go and speak to a counsellor ( the college should have one free of charge) about the bullying, if it's causing you to have nightmares and impacting on your confidence, you really need to address it. Best of luck Will x;)

Firetrap

I know nothing about how on-campus accommodation is arranged so if the advice about trying to move works, all the better It is not going to solve all of your problems though.

Definitely look into joining a club or society. Not the ones which just hold lectures every now and then. That won't do you much good because you'll just be sitting there. Join something which meets regularly and which involves doing things. It might not be your cup of tea but I'm thinking of something like a beginners martial arts class, indoor football, film club. Perhaps do a course in first aid or something like that. How about voluntary work so you can help others - the Chaplaincy will have something like that on the go.

clikityclak

You are not alone!
Many many first years feel this way when they first start off.
I know you've had a tough time previously in school, but now is your time to move one and make a real go of enjoying college and making it the experience YOU want. As others have mentioned, it would be no harm to maybe drop into the college counsellor/chaplaincy service- they will be friendly and offer a private confidential place to discuss and insecurities or problems.
Now main thing- making friends! You will meet sooo many friendly people when you start off, most people are in the same boat(even if it looks like everyone knows each other they don't). Chat to the person beside you in lectures, or in the library(common space) or wherever. That's how it happens!
If you do one thing though go to the clubs and socs day or keep any eye on notice boards and JOIN UP! It's a cliche but this is the easiest way to make friends because you are meeting like minded people. I found in particular charity or volunteering based societies can be super friendly- but all clubs and socs are great!
There will be great days, middling days and **** days in college, but keep your head up.

Good luck!! (",)

whatcartoget

I am trying my best to get along with people in college and I did go out with them the other night and I got on okay with them. I am not in love with the course I am doing at the moment but I will give it time. I will do my best to stick it out.
I don't like living in the apartment to be honest at all. I just don't like it at all. I don't like the constant noise they make and one of them is bringing a amp for his guitar this week:( It is just a pain. When I get into bed at night I just feel like crying know that I have to get up the next day. I have to head back to college tonight for another week and I am not looking forward to that yet again. I am just sick of the place so much.

clikityclak

Oh no.. you sound so sad
Ok well are you on campus or is it private accommodation?
If you are on campu- go straight to the accommodation office in the morning and explain the situation- there may be a spare room somewhere that you can change to as it is early in term. Now if you're in private accommodation and you're really not happy- hopefully you have not signed a long term lease- try and look for a room elsewhere. You may have to get someone to fill your space in the apt. but it could all work out.
Right so tonight- just mention to the other lads that you have assigments and everything already this week and it won't really be acceptable for there to be excessive noise.
Don't forget YOU are paying rent here, this is YOUR house and treat it a such. Please do not be afraid to stand up for yourself, and if you plan on staying on here you'll need to stick your oar in and make these lads realise they need to be more respectful aka quiet in the house.
Try not to get too upset, this is a brand new week, and make it a fun one. Isn't 'arthurs day' on thursday? There may be a bit of banter on campus-not that you have to go on the lash but there could be cool music or something.
Is there any modules you can change in your course? Are you finding it difficult- try and talk to academic advisory- they are mega helpful generally.
Remember you may be able to change courses- and if not the CAO is only around the corner again.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!! :)

ClimberC

whatcartoget wrote: »

I am trying my best to get along with people in college and I did go out with them the other night and I got on okay with them. I am not in love with the course I am doing at the moment but I will give it time. I will do my best to stick it out.
I don't like living in the apartment to be honest at all. I just don't like it at all. I don't like the constant noise they make and one of them is bringing a amp for his guitar this week:( It is just a pain. When I get into bed at night I just feel like crying know that I have to get up the next day. I have to head back to college tonight for another week and I am not looking forward to that yet again. I am just sick of the place so much.

Ask them to keep the noise down?

As for everything else, the counsleing (cant spell it ) service in the top floor of the nexus will help. Its free and confedential. If that doesnt work then there is always the Accomendation office and the student union (again, both in the nexus)

I dont mean to sound like a Pr1ck but nothing will change without you trying to change it. It may seem daunting, but even asking the lads to keep it down should help. If it doesnt, seek the relivant people!

Firetrap

An amp :mad::mad: I can't imagine the people living nearby are going to be too happy about that either. Are you in on-campus accommodation?

I know you are in a rotten situation and a lot of people don't like conflict. But..... and I mean this in the nicest way...you are going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself. Grow a backbone. If you don't learn how to stay no, how to stand up for yourself, not to let people walk all over you, this pattern is going to repeat and repeat and repeat throughout your adult life. Your reaction to conflict has been to hide away in your room. We all do it sometimes but it doesn't solve anything. As I've said before and the others have also said, I strongly suggest you go talk to a counsellor. There's no shame in doing such a thing.

whatcartoget

I would feel really ashamed to talk to a counselor I just couldn't face it to be honest. I find it very hard to talk about my feeling and I never have ever really talked to anyone about how I am feeling.

Firetrap

Fair enough but will you please even think about it. Nobody's going to force you to go of course but talking to someone who doesn't know anything about you might do you a world of good.

clikityclak

You really should feel NO shame in talking to a counsellor, but even in colleges there is like a student welfare officer- someone probably around your own age, that is in a position of trust and they will only be delighted to have a chat with you. It's not going to be a big interrogation or putting you under pressure just an informal chat that may help you offload. If you really don't want to do that maybe write down some of your fears and feelings in a private journal- this can be ther first step to being able to open up to talk to somebody once you've seen any problems on paper.

It can be soooo hard to talk to someone about feelings- in fact it is the hardest things some of us do in day to day life, but trust me- it will help.
Don't let fear get in the way of you being happy (I also need to take a dose of my own advice:p)

LegacyUser

Wow OP, I swear that everything you said is so true to me that I nearly think I wrote it myself.

I'm in a similar situation to yourself. Was bullied in school and am very shy at making new friends. Living in on-campus accommodation without knowing anyone. The works. The only difference is the people I live with. They're all girls [which is worse because I'm even more shy around them], and we haven't really connected yet. One of them was even so busy passing through they didn't know I was in my room.

So, I'm going to make some promises to myself, and start things off tomorrow by spending my spare time in the common room rather than my bed room, and actually meet people rather than avoid them. And when societies day starts up, I'm going to join at least two of them.

OP, you do the same. You know it as well as I do that yes, other circumstances are part of the blame, but we're part to blame as well, so get over that first hurdle and the momentum will carry you the rest of the way.

LegacyUser

OP, just to prove that it can be done, I'm just back from a pre-party having got to know one of my flat mates and a few of their friends. I really feel that we're alike, so if I can do it then so can you. And I really mean that. Yes I'm a little cross-eyed right now and would probably fail a drink-driving test, but I'm still sober enough to think straight. Get to know your flat mates, maybe drink a little with them, but know your limit, and know when to stop. So what if they think you're a light-weight drinker? If they think that then they aren't friends worth having. Make new ones. Like I and others have said, Clubs and Societies are good place to meet people with similar interests.

You can do it. It might take a bit of mental courage [it took me 15 minutes to work up the courage to do something], but trust me the potential rewards are worth the risks.

whatcartoget

Thanks everyone! I really mean that.
College today was okay we were split into groups of two today and a girl decided I wasn't good enough for her and went off with her friends which meant I had to everything by myself. I don't feel this is fair she didn't even give me a chance.
I am not settling into the accomdation however it is just not me. For example one of my housemates brought home his new best friend and he is after vommiting all over the living room and he is now passed out. The worst part of it my room mate pissed off. I am trying to look after him if he needs to get sick I make sure he is going to swallow his puke etc. And lets guess who's going to end up cleaning his puke? My housemates over guest wrote stuff on the table with pernament maker and I managed to clean most of it. I do enjoy a drink or two and I have gotten drunk believe in doing things that can effoct others in a bad way. I am all for fun and having a laugh but I would never do that to anyones stuff. It is not the way my parents raised me. A big problrm for me is I have really good Imanners I respect others when they don't respect me and I think I would do anythin to help some one if I could this makes me a walk over to be honest. I am not a snob I might sound like one there I honestly believe that everyone is a nice person andI am willing to do anything for almost anyone. I am ugly and this turns moat people away and I have never once being told will you look all right etc. I have good clothes/hair etc. I am not a skinnny guy but I am not fat I am actually an average weight. Even today I got called a foggot and I said to myself this is school all over again and I am just not in the mood for it.
I would like to get married someday and have a family but no woman will look twice at me and then I began to think if I did have a family would my children turn outlike me lossers and I can honestly tell you I would not like anyone to go through the pain I suffer every day not even the worst bullies I ever had. The saddest part of the matter is I hope they get onwell in there lives.

Overheal

A note about counselors: Counselors don't judge you. Hell, they don't even give you advice normally, or tell you what you should do or what they think you should do. A counselor's job is to get you talking about your own feelings, and help you discover what you innately want to do, and how you really feel about things, even if you weren't initially sure how to describe/process those feelings/thoughts before. There's no reason to be shy or ashamed by a counselor visit. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised by the experience, in fact.

Firetrap

Whatever you do, no NOT clean up that idiot's puke. It's not your job to be his mammy. Perhaps someone else in the apartment might have words with him. Tell him too that you stayed up with him and that you'll not be doing that again.

I am sorry to read of your troubles but the only person who can help you is you. We are happy to help here but you are going to have to learn how look out for yourself. Have you done anything about seeing if you can move? Are you planning to join any clubs or societies? Had another think about that counselling? What is worrying is that you feel school is repeating itself again. It's time to stop the rot.

Jordans n Timbs

reading the posts, i really dont know if this guys trolling or not......i mean, yeah, people get nervous and end up in less than perfect living conditions.....which they can then change unless youve signed a lease for a year, but even then if you found someone else to take the room you'd be sound....and im SURE those guys you live with, given how youve described them will have someone only busting at the seams to take it from you the second you tell them you want to move out.



the other thing is i just started college as a mature studen today as it happens, i was never bullied or anything in secondary school so maybe i dont ''get it'', but if someone called you a f*ggot im CERTAIN it was a joke, thats how dare i say it ''normal'' men interact on a daily basis, i will call this trolling right now if u say someone called u a f*ggot with malicious intent, thats just not how it is in college bro....nobodies going to do that.


basically its been said before, and i feel for you but you just need to man up dude

Taltos

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ClimberC

First off, did you join any clubs today??

Dont even bother looking after that guy or cleaning the sick, i know its desgusting but leave it, your housemates will have to do it eventually!

About being called a fag, what contex was it? I regularly call my friends knobends, they insult me, its just a bit o banter!

I have girls like that in my course but sure just ignore them. what the say or do wont have and real affect on your life

The best analogy i was given was, think of life like a road. You can either drive or you cant. If you cant you get lessons (counsling). If you spend all day thinking about the other drivers and looking after them, you will crash. If you loose the head and speed along, you will crash. Just take things easy and get lessons if you need them. No other drivers will know that you got lessons

Hope that want too confusing!

whatcartoget

I signed up to one or two things at lunch but I was in a rush and there were ques so I had to rush but you can sign up online as far as I know.
I did have confusion about my sexuality before but I think I am straight
now.

ClimberC

whatcartoget wrote: »

I signed up to one or two things at lunch but I was in a rush and there were ques so I had to rush but you can sign up online as far as I know.
I did have confusion about my sexuality before but I think I am straight
now.

Just go into the soc. office!!

Where did sexuality come into all of this? Im confuzzled

whatcartoget

I mentioned I was called a ****** and in school I was bullied by being called these names about me and it made me confused about my sexuality.

ClimberC

whatcartoget wrote: »

I mentioned I was called a ****** and in school I was bullied by being called these names about me and it made me confused about my sexuality.

where you not called a fag today?

Firetrap

I've been giving the OP the benefit of the doubt but now I am certainly wondering...

Anyway, if the OP is for real, he should take all the sensible advice that people have taken the time to give him here. These boards are great for people who need advice but most of it isn't any good to them unless they take action in the real world.

whatcartoget

All I cam tell you is I am telling the truth to be honest. Ye have my word and that's all I can give ye! If ye want me to give more personal info feel free to pm me if ye want! I am going from high to lows a lot over the last few weeks and I am only really happy when I am drunk!

ClimberC

whatcartoget wrote: »

All I cam tell you is I am telling the truth to be honest. Ye have my word and that's all I can give ye! If ye want me to give more personal info feel free to pm me if ye want! I am going from high to lows a lot over the last few weeks and I am only really happy when I am drunk!

but but but you said you dont like drinking?!

On that note i am leaving the thread!:cool:

Ickle Magoo

ClimberC infracted for ignoring moderator instruction to stop dragging the thread off-topic and for failing to follow the forum rules on dealing with suspect posters/posts.

whatcartoget wrote: »

All I cam tell you is I am telling the truth to be honest. Ye have my word and that's all I can give ye! If ye want me to give more personal info feel free to pm me if ye want! I am going from high to lows a lot over the last few weeks and I am only really happy when I am drunk!

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Many thanks.

karen89

Hi, my heart goes out to you with roommates like that! <snip>