Keeps asking about my ex

LegacyUser

Hey,

so I went through a bad break up about 5 months ago where I was the one really badly hurt. I recently started seeing a new guy (for about a month now) and its all going well. I've been keeping it fairly casual for now because I'm not really ready for a serious relationship. Anyway, we briefly discussed past relationships a couple of dates in which was grand, but I've noticed he keeps bringing up my ex. He'll ask me do I see his family, am I in contact etc etc. I don't think this is coming from any insecurity on his part. He knows how badly I was hurt and keeps telling me how horrific it was etc.

He has also stated that his only past serious relationship was with a girl who had been hurt by her ex (before him) and he had made it his mission to treat her right etc. I'm just beginning to wonder whether this is some sort of white knight syndrome or something. Not that thats necessarily a bad way to be but at the same time I don't want to be someones project... I was hurt badly but I'm a fairly strong person and I don't feel like I need to be rescued. I'd just rather put it behind me and not have it brought up all the time.

Has anyone come across anything like this? If you can shed any light on the situation I'd appreciate it, thanks

Stench Blossoms

I wouldn't necessarily think it's needy. He could be just nosey !

But do as sunflower says. Let him know that you're not interested in talking about your past relationship. He probably doens't realise there's anything wrong with it.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

OK, well, if he has only had one girlfriend and she was hurt by an ex, and if she still had feelings for him, then I'd say he is insecure.

That actually struck a note with me. He did say despite being 'the nice guy' to his ex she then went back to her abusive ex. So maybe he's got some issues with that. I just don't know what to say to him. When he has been asking me questions I got a bit quiet and hesitant about answering them but he just said he wanted to know about it because my history is a big part of my life. Is it normal? I have always been of the opinion that despite a quick mention of previous relationships the past should be left in the past...?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input...

The only thing is, my ex bf has now left the country for work, so I don't understand why the new guy would be insecure. There is no threat there. And if this is down to insecurity, is it better to bow out now rather than try and comfort him?

LegacyUser

He's a nice guy and I like him, I just think to be bringing insecurities into a new (quite casual) relationship after only a month is a bad sign...? I havent confronted him about questioning me a lot, generally it happens when he has had a few drinks. I've been a bit slow to respond and hoped that he might get the message that way. As I said I'm trying to keep this casual so I guess I'm avoiding any serious discussions at the moment. That might be the wrong way to go about it. On the other hand theres a part of me that just thinks hes curious...

Wompa1

unregisteredem wrote: »

He's a nice guy and I like him, I just think to be bringing insecurities into a new (quite casual) relationship after only a month is a bad sign...? I havent confronted him about questioning me a lot, generally it happens when he has had a few drinks. I've been a bit slow to respond and hoped that he might get the message that way. As I said I'm trying to keep this casual so I guess I'm avoiding any serious discussions at the moment. That might be the wrong way to go about it. On the other hand theres a part of me that just thinks hes curious...

Seems like a very minor thing to me. Not sure why it would upset you so much? Is it that you only want a casual relationship? If so you should probably dump him because it sounds like he's in it for the long haul...just my opinion since you highlighted casual for a new relationship...which I thought wouldn't need to be highlighted

Elmidena

If it is WKS then be very, very careful. Wound up seeing a guy for a few months who I wasn't interested in because he was a nice guy and I didn't want to hurt him, and he'd only been with a prostitute before me. He wanted to protect me and to make all my problems go away etc.

It was a nice thought, it was kind, it was something I wasn't used to. But it was SMOTHERING. I kept wanting to be rid of him and made excuses not to see him, slept in different rooms when I did see him (the relationship didn't even last 4 months in total, this behaviour I started early enough on). I felt like I was being treated as a piece of porcelain and so on. It did my head in.

Eventually when all else failed I cheated on him with his best friend who made me feel alive. This gave me the kick up the bum to get rid of my ex, who in my head I didn't want to be with from about day 2. I am still with the friend.

The ex became quite suffocating and "forgiving". He was obsessed, simply put. He would unleash a lot of frustrated anger on me after being "overly friendly" in texts/online or whatever and then he'd start again. I'd keep telling him I wasn't interested and he made me uncomfortable but he still tried to get me back or to poison me against everyone else so I'd depend on him to save me. He warped the world against me and tried to make me dependent. Even two years later when my mother died, he kicked it off and tried to propose to me and to be with him once and for all. I severed contact once and for all. The year after that, he was still stalking my house, leaving presents and phoning me night and day. I wanted to go to the cops but there were complications that I didn't want revealed. He started seeing someone else who was the spitting image of how I used to look and even then tried to get back with me when I ran into him at a friend's fundraising night, with her there.

This might sound very OT, but it has made me very hesitant to advise people to hop up on someone's steed. When he's been burnt once already and is showing signs of insecurity/jealousy/power with the questions, I would be very hesitant indeed to get involved at all. With your ex being elminated as a threat to him he'll either relax and get comfortable with you, insecurities gone, or slowly but surely become more dominant to make sure a second one doesn't get away. It sounds extreme but IMO not worth the risk after my experiences!

Of course maybe he's not over her, and is just looking for advice on how to get over it.
Best of luck OP

Wompa1

Sunshine! wrote: »

Of course maybe he's not over her, and is just looking for advice on how to get over it.
Best of luck OP

Wow....he lost his girlfriend and his best friend? to the OP, break up before choosing to do anything that drastic! And Sunshine you're with a guy who is willing to be with his friends girlfriend and he's with a girl he knows is a cheater. Good luck with that situation. I don't envy you.

Elmidena

Spent the best part of 4 years very happily together, thanks. Cheating is not in my nature but I don't regret it, it made me wake up and end things instead of letting a relationship fester because I didn't want to hurt the guy and he wasn't taking hints that I wasn't happy with him breathing down my neck 24/7. It didn't start off that clingy, but over time it evolved. The cheating amounted to a kiss, not sex. He mentioned a lot that someone he really fancied hooked up with a friend years ago and he wanted to know what he'd done wrong etc. The ex was also a recurring drug addict, something I did not know when I got with him. I know I don't need to justify myself or my actions, but I spelt all of this out to highlight the problem of my ex to warn the OP; started out innocent and wound up psychotic. I am not proud of the origins of the relationship, but I am 100% glad that I got with my partner; the healthiest and happiest relationship either of us have ever had.

Moomoo1

ok, that guy was psychotic, but that doesn't mean that the OP's bf will be

Elmidena

Moomoo1 wrote: »

ok, that guy was psychotic, but that doesn't mean that the OP's bf will be

No, and by all accounts I really hope he isn't
I was just providing personal experience and offering a warning, and how from my experience I would be very wary if any behaviour was like that, hence the following:

This might sound very OT, but it has made me very hesitant to advise people to hop up on someone's steed. When he's been burnt once already and is showing signs of insecurity/jealousy/power with the questions, I would be very hesitant indeed to get involved at all. With your ex being elminated as a threat to him he'll either relax and get comfortable with you, insecurities gone, or slowly but surely become more dominant to make sure a second one doesn't get away. It sounds extreme but IMO not worth the risk after my experiences!

Of course maybe he's not over her, and is just looking for advice on how to get over it.
Best of luck OP

With the relationship being described as fledgling and casual, I felt that it would be worthwhile to express caution is all. If I tread on any toes I didn't mean to, and both my ex&I were in our 20s (him nearly 30) so it wasn't an age-related issue.

Next time he asks after a few drinks, reply a little bluntly that you're not comfortable discussing your history when it's not something you think about aside from when he drags it up, should hopefully give him a shock to stop asking, and offer the security that he's not on your mind all the time. If after that he still won't take a hint, it's up to you if you want to be with this guy in the long run or nip it before it becomes a little deeper.

Taltos

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beks101

Hey OP. You've mentioned a few times that this is a 'very casual' thing for you - have you communicated this with him?

It may be early days and you're right to be cautious about rushing into anything serious so soon after a bad break-up, but by the sounds of it this guy is not on the same page as you. He sounds invested and like he has strong feelings - otherwise your previous relationship would be of little concern to him and the thought of it wouldn't be provoking such insecurities in him.

Maybe you should figure out in your head where you see this going and have a conversation with him. Otherwise he's going to fall deeper into this and potentially become more obsessed with getting answers about your ex.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

You've mentioned a few times that this is a 'very casual' thing for you - have you communicated this with him?

Thanks for all the responses. I have not directly told him this I suppose, but I did say that I was happy to be single for a while, and he knows I'm just out of a relationship so I figured he'd put 2 and 2 together. Its not that I don't see this going somewhere necessarily, its just that it needs to move slowly... and after only a month does it seem a bit soon to be getting insecure? I mean I would imagine most relationships are still casual after that amount of time.

And yeah, this isnt a major issue but I'm just wondering whether its a sign that I should bow out now, will it only get worse? I think I'll just tell him that I don't want to talk about my ex anymore the next time he brings it up and hope that he listens to me. Thanks guys!

i think you need to have a conversation with this guy about where you both are and where you both stand.

you know yourself if he is expects a lot or if he is is investing more than you in this.

you know deep down if he is more into it.

just sit him down, ask him what he thinks, where he sees things going etc... and tell him exactly what you think and what you want.
now is the time, before things get any more serious between ye.
brutal honestly early on, the only way imho!!