Teenagers opting out of family time.

Morag

I know that the teen age years are when we are meant to give our kids more responsibility and more freedom and more choices. I remember being 13 myself and just wanting to be left the hell alone to read (guess being the eldest of a gang of kids was part of it), so I understand my 13 year old wanting to do his own thing but I wonder how to strike a balance.

He's still part of the family and eating with the rest of the family for dinner is non non-negotiable, we've set that ground rule and as he's old enough to not have to come on trips to the shops he's opting to stay at home which is fine.
But other family activities like going to the park or watching a movie, it's hard to get him to take part, but I don't want him isolating himself in the house either.

Has anyone else been through this?
How did you reach compromises?

Kildrought

Meals - absolutely eats with the family, you've gone to the trouble of cooking it, he can go to the trouble of eating it!

Food shopping, bit of give & take, he's old enough to help you carry stuff as well as stay at home. If he stays home, he helps put away. If he comes along he does the packing.

Family events - wedding/funerals etc., - non-negotiable in my view.

Family outings, let him bring a friend along, but I wouldn't let him sit them out either, unless you specifically want to take the younger children to see some Disney thing.

RedXIV

This may be controversial as I'm looking at this from his point of view rather than yours and for the sake of peace, I'd let him stay home if he wants to. The worst thing about being a teenager is not being young enough to get entertainment out of running around and not being old enough to enjoy adult company. Its a crap hand to be dealt.

If you trust him at home alone then I'd let him stay there. Sure every once in a while you can make him come along but I'd do that in a minority of cases rather than majority.

I think you're dead right about meals though

Justask

How often are these family outting?

Not sure how many kids there are in the family and what ages but im guessing younger. Younger kids are annoying to teenage boys (actually everyone is annoying to teeage boys :rolleyes:) I'd say that your family outting with the other kids is his 'Thank god they are gone' time. IMO

Going to the park unless with his mates is not cool, watching a G movie is not cool, All they want to do it e cool :rolleyes:

Maybe let him chose what you do. Like a project, We build a treehouse last summer for example.

Daisy M

From my experience with my husbands neices and nephews something I always noticed was the teens who were brought along to family functions and get togethers visiting grandparents ect on a regular enough basis appear to me anyway, to as now adults have a much closer relationship with their parents and siblings. Maybe this is just coincidence I dont know but the ones who would appear to have dropped off the face of the earth as teens, seem to be completely detached from their families I would hate that to happen to my little family!
With our 14yr old we give him time on his own in his room or messing on laptop games console in another room but we also get him to come in and watch a movie or programme with us that we know he will enjoy. As for going places I wouldnt make him go to the playground ect, but if we are going off for the day or visiting he usually comes, however if its clashing with something he and friends have planned we let him go with the friends.
I think the family occasions are important (except for younger cousins birthday parties!) and he likes going to them.
This year we had thought about bringing my nephew on holiday with us to keep him company, but we changed our minds because we had noticed in the past family holidays are a great place for siblings to have fun together and bond.

Cat Melodeon

I agree with most of what the others have said. Mealtimes should definitely be non-negotiable. It's well known that children & teens who eat together with the rest of the family are less likely to smoke, drink, be involved in illegal or risky behaviour, suffer depression or ill-health etc. As to the rest, at 13 I think he's still too young to opt out of family time altogether. I'd say until he's a bit older (15-16), any trips to visit extended family should include him, but family stuff that ye do in the house (movies, games etc) should be optional. Maybe it's also time to set up some 'older' activities to do with him separately from the younger kids, like going to a 15s movie at the cinema together or whatever things he is into, or allow him to set the agenda for family time. At the same time, he probably wants to be a bit more grown up now and might feel a bit suffocated by too much time together. Strike a balance, but don't excuse him from family time altogether, it's really worth maintaining it in the long run even if there are a few battles now.

My youngest was like that from the age of 13/14, I didn't there was any point in forcing the issue pulse teenagers need time to them selves its part of growing up and detaching yourself from your parents ( my oldest wasn't like that at all she is in her twenties now and would still come to everything if she is home ) so maybe those thing are down to personality.

Daisy M

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I agree with most of what the others have said. Mealtimes should definitely be non-negotiable. It's well known that children & teens who eat together with the rest of the family are less likely to smoke, drink, be involved in illegal or risky behaviour, suffer depression or ill-health etc.

Thats really interesting. I wonder why such a simple thing can make such a big difference? Is it because parents who insist on meals together are overall more interested in their teens life, or does meal times give the teens time to interact better with their family, or something else altogether.

Or perhaps teenagers who eat their dinner with their family with out moaning are more likely to have pleasing easy going likeable personalities and are thus less likely to want to be involved in difficult behaviour. Who know but I am convinced personality plays a large part in how children/ teenagers react to issues.

Daisy M

I know what you maen maria but I think most teens will follow any ground rules set down for them if they know that there will be consequences if they dont, not saying they wont moan and grumble and try their best to change their parents minds but when push comes to shove most teens know what boundaries not to pass.
My lad knows certain things are set in stone and that there is no way me or his dad will change our minds on it, doesnt mean he likes it but he knows not to push it. Then theres other (minor) things that we are not as strict on and he knows he can chance his arm and not have major repercussions. Over the summer he had turned into a bit of a demon ignoring rules we have in place ie the amount of time he spends on internet, texting at meal times lots of little things but in our opinion he was laying down the law and challenging us when we questioned him. Anyway when we realised just how moody and arguementitive he had became, we set him down and told him the way things were going to be from now on and that if he didnt follow the rules he would end up been grounded. Obviously we explained why we were setting such rules in place that it wasnt to be mean or spoil his fun but for him to grow up to be a happy well rounded individual, and not some one who is addicted to screens, shouts to get what they want and will never feel he can come to his parents and family when he needs help. The result was a much happier 14yr old boy! He tells us more has more conversations and understands when we say no its no! He is no angel and obviously still has his moods but we have a happier boy who can see we are not his enemy!

Morag

Limiting pc and xbox time is something which I think is going to have to be reviewed, he'd a lot more time over the summer and as a result only wants to do that when in from school and seems to think that once chores are done and homework he should be let at one or the other until bed time.

He doesn't have friends which he goes out and hangs out with as none of those he considers friends live in the same estate, he does play xbox with them online, so it's a tricky one. I know as the evenings get darker he's going to even less likely to go out
and I understand the allure getting stuck into a game but trying to find a balance is tricky, also having him talk about nearly nothing but games is getting grating even with both parents being gamers ourselves. Thankfully he's back at kick boxing soon and I am hoping to get him into at least 1 other activity in the evenings.

We've seen some of those boundary pushing issues that you've mentioned is mise astra,
it can be hard to tell if it's that, or just stroopines some times, but calling him on it helps.

He's got one sibling who's two and half years younger, and with the boundary pushing there has been the teenage being a pain in the arse picking on her, know that when I see it from my own siblings and have had to tell him that pushing his sister's buttons to see what she will do and how she will react isn't on. Mostly he's a good kid but with the being back in school after his first time having 3 months of summer holidays the adjustment is taking a while and he's either withdrawing or being an ass when he gets home.

Cat Melodeon

is mise astra wrote: »

Thats really interesting. I wonder why such a simple thing can make such a big difference? Is it because parents who insist on meals together are overall more interested in their teens life, or does meal times give the teens time to interact better with their family, or something else altogether.

Probably a mix of all of those as well as traits inherent in the child/parent. The key finding is that stable routines and rituals such as mealtimes, set activities and structured family time all contribute to psychsocial well-being. It might be something as basic as shared mealtimes providing good nutrition leading to better health, or something more behavioural like solid routines/boundaries setting kids up to behave better as teens. Families with structured routines tend to be less chaotic than ones where mealtimes are irregular or family members spend less time together. In the latter, bad behaviour can slip through the cracks either due to lack of time or attention or just the need for a quiet life, but it can impact on kids' behaviour later in life. It's also been shown that it's not hugely important what the make-up of the particular family is (ie no. of parents, no. of kids, socioeconomic status etc) as long as certain rituals and routines are performed within that family, eg set mealtimes, set bed time, curfews, routine for homework, set family activities etc. It doesn't have to include all of those, but anything that a child/teen can depend on helps them make sense out of their life and what is expected of them.

Of course there will always be exceptions and variables within families, but what generally emerges from studies is that families with stable routines produce more stable children.

Some interesting stuff in the Journal of Adolescent Health/Journal of Family Psychology if you can get your hands on them. Or just tune in to David Coleman parenting section on the Sean Moncrieff show on Newstalk, he regularly expounds the same thing.

cynder

my lady is 12 tomorrow and i quite relaxed about it, if she wants to eat at a different time she cooks it herself, which she does..... normally revolves around potatoes some sort of oven roasted meat (chicken/steak) or fish fingers/ chicken nuggets and veg, she loves peas. if she doesnt fancy what we are eating she cooks what she fancies.... dont see the need to kick up a stink over that, were not all ' sit around the table ' eaters anyway.




i give her as much freedom as i can, however she is to be back at certain times and she is not to go out of the estate without asking, she goes to the cinema on her own and goes around town with her friends for a couple of hours here and there. they went to see fright night the other day but it was a 15a so i went in with them and they were all so happy to have me there i was going to sit in the back but the girls wanted me to sit with them, they no i'm not as uptight as some moms but they know there is no messing aloud.


You can still have rules but no need to be too ridged, flexible is good, compromise and a bit of give n take. Make them feel mature but that they still need you.....