can anyone explain his behaviour

LegacyUser

can someone please try to make sense of this? i think i cant see things clearly since im in the middle of this, my friends just see things from their side, caring about me, not knowing him, so am looking for objective answers here.

i was good friends with a guy for a long time, then something changed, i realised how much he meant to me, we got together. very warily on both our parts since we had both finished long term relationships(about 6/7 yrs each) about a year beforehand.

he has told me since that he was mad about me all the time we were friends. now tbf in the beginning i told him i couldnt promise anything that i was wary of another relationship etc. i was very honest, always am. anyway after about 6 months we both knew how we felt, he said he loved me first and i def did, mad about him.

but then he started 'getting weird' in his words! would back of a bit, keep me at arms length etc. this went n for 6 months till i couldnt take it anymore and told him.
we stopped contact.

since then though its been every couple of months he gets in touch again, we chat, get on great but just when its getting to the point where its sh*t or get off the pot, so to speak, he bails.

he says he loves me, but then doesnt spend time with me. when i say it to him, he says he wants to spend time wit me but something stops him. i dont understand what and he seems unable to explain. it tends to revert to a 'penpal' relationship in a way, just txts. then i stop it, few months later, same thing again.

he isnt good at talking about things/emotions, i understand this but surely if something was important enough you would make the effort?
the last time he contacted me, he was really upset, i feel bad for him when he is upset and dont want to be the cause of more upset for him.

i just dont know what to do anymore. i do love him, well the him when we are seeing each other. i want to be here for him but am feeling like he just uses me when he is upset/ has nothing better to do.
its not about sex, its more about him wanting me to be here whenever HE wants. he tells me im mean if im not always just nice to him, which tbf im not if i havent heard from him for few weeks, i get annoyed and i tell him why. he thinks thats mean?

he isnt young, he is in his 30's. i know he had a hard time wit his last girlfriend but i feel like im being punished for whatever she did, and he is still friends with her!

objective views please, i really not looking for the usual, 'walk away' he is a great guy and i do believe he has problems i just dont kno wwhat to do. my heart breaks every two months or so.

I am a friend

So what do you think his problems are?

Why do you think it's ok for him to take them out on you?

He doesn't sound very pleasant at all. Is he in another relationship?

LegacyUser

i have probably made him sound worse than he is, he gets frustrated when i ask him questions, its like he just wants to toddle along without any 'chats' as such about 'us' which is fine with me for a while, but then you know it gets to stage where you want to feel part of someones life, and then part of yours, this is when it falls down.

he is a good guy, honestly, he just doesnt always treat me like others. he would bend over backwards for everybody, i feel like im behind everyone else.
but when he needs me, he expects me to be here for him and doesnt understand why i would be annoyed about other things?

i feel like there is one small thing, like a little hill in the way, and if he got over that hill everything would be fine.
im i fooling myself??

scriba

Dear OP,

What an awful predicament. At the end of the day, all you can objectively judge is his behaviour towards you, which is nowhere close to what you deserve. He sounds emotionally selfish and stunted. As you say yourself:

he isnt good at talking about things/emotions, i understand this but surely if something was important enough you would make the effort?
the last time he contacted me, he was really upset, i feel bad for him when he is upset and dont want to be the cause of more upset for him.

Effort is the key word here. He isn't making any. You need to look at his behaviour in a detached manner (if possible), and put your feelings to one side. I assume you've made your feelings clear to him on what you want, and told him how much this behaviour hurts you. Has he taken this on board? Has he changed in any way? Is he committed in any way even to your friendship?

I believe people can change a little. But what you have there (to my mind) seems to be a man who doesn't know what he wants or needs, and has no interest in sorting himself out. Of course you don't know what to do, when there's so little you can do in this situation. It's all him. Unless he can express what's wrong, how can things ever change?

Good luck.

Esoteric_

Tbh I find that there is a pretty simple way to look at this -

If he loved you, he wouldn't be ignoring you or being cold with you. If he loved you, he'd WANT to see you and actually make some effort to see you. If he loved you, surely he'd understand that this is upsetting you and stop stringing you along?

In short, I don't believe that he's telling the truth when he says he loves you. Sounds like he enjoys the attention and when you stop contact, he misses his ego boost and starts it all back up again.

musicinyou

Maybe he does love you, but isnt in love with you, I find these days people are confusing the difference!

I know that when I was with my ex, we were together 7 yrs, there were rebounds, one nights, they stand alone, but I remember I was seeing this girl about 7 months after the breakup, we chatted for ages met a good few times, I said I loved her and I did but a couple of weeks after that it just died inside, and this happened a couple of times, I could never really explain why this was happening to me, I did love her but it changed after a couple of weeks, basically from my side I found out only in the last year why that was! Bare in mind iv been single, eh 4 yrs in Dec, so what it was is, I broke from the 7 yr rel, and 7 months or so later the new girl! I felt I was ready but when it came down to it I was still cut up about the previous 7 yr one, I was looking for someone to fill the gap that was missing, and that was wrong but I couldn’t help, so I ended things on the basis I wasn’t feeling it, I was still in love with the ex, all I had to do was get myself together and over the ex, and I did and now im fully ready to commit when the right one comes along!

I believe he does love you but as time goes on hes pulling away from you as to not totally hurt you but staying there long enough to keep you as a friend! He loves you but he isnt in love with you, im sure like me he has great intentions, and as a bit of time passes he will look back on how he was with you and he will feel pretty bad,

I don’t think he’s keeping you as a back up plan, blokes don’t do that, I know me and all my bloke mates have never ever said oh il hold on to her in the even I don’t meet anyone, that’s nonsense!

Im really sorry to hear about your situation! I think you need to confirm to yourself that its over, tell him to make his mind up or leave you be because your always going to have the head melt and heart take if he comes in and out of your life every couple minutes, you posted here and that to me tells me you’ve had enough, today you should make the change, make a brand new start and start the hearts healing,

Best of luck

Sincerely

musicinyou

Hmmmmmmm!!!

I think its difference of opinion here. Its only chics I ever hear say things like that! IMO

musicinyou

sunflower27 wrote: »

If chicks say it and think it, then men do as well. We are different genders, not species

when you say it like that i suppose, i can agree :O)

lets not let it slip from op question, before we get given out to by the moderators

The Aspirations Coach

Hi OP,

If your closest, dearest friend was in this exact situation and came to you for advice, what would you say to her?

Distorted

Try to judge him on his actions and what he actually does consistently, rather than how he is occasionally. And be more selfish - think about what are you getting out of this?

He has messed you about, and probably feels bad about it (but not bad enough to correct it) hence he avoids regular contact. But now and then his ego needs a boost and he thinks "What the hell". And you are always there for him...

Ignore him, or send very glib, short texts telling him you are too busy if he contacts you again.

LegacyUser

i think maybe you may be right with the loves me just not in love with me thing. its like he gets soo frustrated when it comes to making the leapto what i consider a real relationship.

i know he likes me, but i guess just not enough to make the effort. its like im not worth the tough decisions/conversations. he likes to leave things i think until i have 'calmed down' or forgotten what we fell out over.

i just keep thinking that if he asks for help, i always give it and would be willing to give so much more but he obviously doesnt want my help for what he calls ' the stuff in his head'

qwerty13

explain please? wrote: »

can someone please try to make sense of this? i think i cant see things clearly since im in the middle of this, my friends just see things from their side, caring about me, not knowing him, so am looking for objective answers here.

i was good friends with a guy for a long time, then something changed, i realised how much he meant to me, we got together. very warily on both our parts since we had both finished long term relationships(about 6/7 yrs each) about a year beforehand.

he has told me since that he was mad about me all the time we were friends. now tbf in the beginning i told him i couldnt promise anything that i was wary of another relationship etc. i was very honest, always am. anyway after about 6 months we both knew how we felt, he said he loved me first and i def did, mad about him.

but then he started 'getting weird' in his words! would back of a bit, keep me at arms length etc. this went n for 6 months till i couldnt take it anymore and told him.
we stopped contact.

since then though its been every couple of months he gets in touch again, we chat, get on great but just when its getting to the point where its sh*t or get off the pot, so to speak, he bails.

he says he loves me, but then doesnt spend time with me. when i say it to him, he says he wants to spend time wit me but something stops him. i dont understand what and he seems unable to explain. it tends to revert to a 'penpal' relationship in a way, just txts. then i stop it, few months later, same thing again.

he isnt good at talking about things/emotions, i understand this but surely if something was important enough you would make the effort?
the last time he contacted me, he was really upset, i feel bad for him when he is upset and dont want to be the cause of more upset for him.

i just dont know what to do anymore. i do love him, well the him when we are seeing each other. i want to be here for him but am feeling like he just uses me when he is upset/ has nothing better to do.
its not about sex, its more about him wanting me to be here whenever HE wants. he tells me im mean if im not always just nice to him, which tbf im not if i havent heard from him for few weeks, i get annoyed and i tell him why. he thinks thats mean?

he isnt young, he is in his 30's. i know he had a hard time wit his last girlfriend but i feel like im being punished for whatever she did, and he is still friends with her!

objective views please, i really not looking for the usual, 'walk away' he is a great guy and i do believe he has problems i just dont kno wwhat to do. my heart breaks every two months or so.

He may feel as though he loves you (sometimes); but he doesn't love you enough to put himself out in any way to try to make it work long term. You are his 'for now' girl. If he meets someone else, you'll be dropped. That is very harsh; but by harsh experience, I'd 99.99% bet that it is true.

He may well love you as a friend, and feel very happy to have a little more than friendship with you on an on/off basis; but if he wanted to, he'd be there. The fact that he pulls back with excuses repeatedly speaks volumes.

I know you didn't want to hear this, but please walk away before you get even more emotionally/self-esteem crushed by this guy - and you are more than probably blocking yourself off from meeting someone new and better by sticking with the crumbs of a relationship that he occasionally provides.

Daisy M

Even if he does love you this doesnt sound like a healthy relationship to be in. Hes in his 30s so its not immaturity causing him to treat you like this its his personality.

LegacyUser

ok i understand everything you are saying to me, but, of course, i think that he isnt like others!!! (this is really my prob, i dont know if im just being soft when it comes to him?)

i do know his ex (a small bit, not friends or anything) and even though we never had any in-depth conversations about that relationship, i get the feeling that it wasnt a very 'grown up' relationship, for want of a better phrase.
she is very immature and it definately was very volatile, and i think there wasnt very much understanding/talking about things.

this is why i have gave him benefit of the doubt up til now, i realise he may not be very experienced with 'real' relationships and how people are supposed to act.

im i just being a soft eejit? if he was a man of the world, id be the first to say 'goodbye and f**k ya!) but thats it, he really doesnt seem to me to understand these things!
im i just being a soft-blind eejit??

Starokan

People like to feel wanted , when he contacts you it gives him an ego boost and makes him feel good about himself. Its probably not intentional on his part, in all probability he does not realise he is toying with your emotions and making you feel bad.

This is because he is no where near as invested as you are in this relationship.

Cut him out of life as regards relationship material because his actions clearly show he does not want to engage in a relationship with you, and if being friends with him is difficult for you then cut him out as a friend as well.

Think of yourself and dont waste any more time on this.

LegacyUser

ok so have just found out that he is in a LOT more contact with the ex than i thought.

they talk. like i said before, she is a little bit 'unstable' so to speak, but thats not my problem.
my problem is that he still seems to listen to her!

they broke up 4 yrs ago, she is with someone else (on and off ) all that time, and was seeing both of them for a time.
problem is, from what i can make out now, he is still there whenever she wants, i know she wasnt happy when he started seeing me but i didnt think it was an issue anymore.

on pure feeling alone, with nothing to back it up, i think when she says jump, he says how high, so to speak. he is still hanging on, in back of his mind, four yrs later.

im clearly fighting a losing battle eh? im blocking his number from my phone right now.

Mmmoments

Hey OP
I've been there...walk away, close the door, dont look back. But you care about him and you will when he contacts you again...and he will.... personality disorder - mild or borderline maybe but everything you've described right down to his selective use of information re his ex (which constitutes as lies by omission because it is misleading) points to social personality disorder of some sort.

He doesn't mean to hurt you but he's not trying not to either.

Even though you've blocked his number he'll find a way to contact you when he wants you to make him feel better again...dont worry about him. Him and his feelings are his only interest.

How he feels is his responsibility and he will try to make it yours I'm willing to bet. Like I said I've been there.

Of course all of this is my opinion. Hope it helps though.