Totally confused after first night together

texthimornot

Hi everyone
Back in May I met a guy and gave him my mumber. We chatted via texts for a while and then met up for food. I liked his personality but was not attracted to him so when he asked for a second date I said I not ready for relationship etc as didnt want to say i wasnt attracted to him. He continued to text friendly chattty texts then flirty ones and all the time he just asking to meet up just like friend and give him a chance. We texted every day for nearly three months and I feel like I really got to know him and was seeing beyond the physical attraction and really liking him for his personalily. I agreed to meet up and after all his chasing we have now been seeing each other for a month.

In that month he has been unusually enthuastic with the texts which guy in their thirties arent really I find - plently of suprise texts, kisses, texts early in morn so ill get them before work etc. He has talked about weekends away, joked about christmas presents, serviced my car etc - all indicating that he is interested in the long haul which I think I am now too.

We met up at the weekend and we slept together for the first time (we met in May but have been officially going out a month). We had to stay in his parents house (job being done at his place). All I can say is that as far as I am concerned it was a bit of a disaster - he had major problems maintaining an erection, especially the second time round the next morning. I was putting it down to nerves, being in his parents house, the fact that it was probably an unusually long wait and hence a big build up and he was under pressure to perform. He has been very intimate and experimentive up to now so I was shocked to say the least. Nothing was said by either of us. We spent all next day together, laughed and joked, hekd hands etc and he asked me to stay the the following night again but I couldnt.

Here is the problem - since I left that night his messages have changed - no kisses, shorter messages, not flirty, not really asking about my day, no use of "hun" or anything like he used to, no suprise texts etc. Just completely chanted. Now I am panicking that he has lost interest in me and is not attracted to me after what happened at the weekend. Its only been text contact since the weekend. Maybe im being paranoid its really only his attitude in texts have changed as a plan to meet during the week still seems to stand and he has mentioned one or two long term things in texts since too.

Do you think he has lost interest or maybe he is just embarrassed? He is a joker and has a great sense of humour so its hard to see how he would take what happened so badly. I just cant undertand the change in the messages it is really like texting a different person and I cant say "oh your messages have changed" or ill seem like a psycho! Now I really dont know where I stand with him. We dont really ring each other much - the odd time so if I was to ring him it would be out of character for me. Plus he is useless at talking about his feelings over phone and even in person. Any compliments have been in texts.

I am really disaapointed in the change and now I dont know where I stand. I am like some pathetic love sick puppy checking my phone but the texts have massively reduced. If I say anything I might drive him away but its killing me wondering are we are we not meeting or spending weekend togehter. Whats confusing me is that he wanted to spend all the next day together and was so loving and attentive and fixed my car for hours but soon as I left and ever since has been kinda cool

Any advice would be really appreciated - thank you all so much in advance!

fungun

No matter how much of a joker is he, he will be embarrassed by this and have lost his confidence a bit - hence less jokiness

Nothing was said by either of us. We spent all next day together, laughed and joked, hekd hands etc and he asked me to stay the the following night again but I couldnt.

I think this might be the problem. He might be feeling you didnt want to or were making excuses.

My advice would be to take control here. Book a hotel room or go to his place or something and spend the night together again. Id be surprised if he doesnt want to but he is prob worried that you dont want to, worried about it happening again, worried what you think about it etc. So in the wise words of Nike.....just do it

texthimornot

Thanks for the advice fungun - your probably right - maybe he has lost his confidence. Here we are now and only one text today - usually I would have had a barrage of messages from him on his lunch break, coffee break etc by now.

He knew I couldnt say over the second night as my work is an hour and a half away and I would have had to get up at 5.30 so I dont see how he could have taken that personally.

Suppose its up to me to kind of reassure him now at this stage- but part of me says not to in case he is not really that interested and I look like a desperado. Even tho I never do maybe I should ring him after work see how he is for a chat ya think?

I am a friend

Personally I don't buy into the whole lack of confidence thing. He was confident enough to have sex with a new girl for the first time in his parents house and he has had other partners. On top of that he spent the next day with you so he knows you like him.

I would be worried that he is just not that into you. Sorry

Kiera

I am a friend wrote: »

Personally I don't buy into the whole lack of confidence thing. He was confident enough to have sex with a new girl for the first time in his parents house and he has had other partners. On top of that he spent the next day with you so he knows you like him.

I would be worried that he is just not that into you. Sorry

Eh where on earth did you come up with that? That is not the answer to every problem in here, ya know!

OP, i agree with fungun. I'd say he's just embarrassed now. He's probably afraid to be flirty with you again in case it reminds you of what happened. Why dont you take the lead and send him a few flirty texts

texthimornot

Its driving me absolutley mad - i didnt sleep thinking it over in my head last night its sooo not like me to be like this! He is always saying he likes openess and honesty so I might text him later saying i think things are a little different and has he changed his mind about how he feels. Im just afraid of driving him away by saying that to him but for my own sanity I may say something its driving me mad

Colonel_McCoy

why not just ring him instead of waiting for a text back?

LegacyUser

simple solution to all of this....and I suspect his confidence is a little dented and he can't play the role of the alpha male until he gets it back......send him a text telling him you "really loved the weekend together and love to do it again, any plans this weekend?"
Guaranteed that's all he needs to be reassured!

I am a friend

Kiera wrote: »

Eh where on earth did you come up with that?

By his actions... Going from 90 to 0 is normally not a good indicator of interest...

The same thing happened to me before and this guy was in touch for 4 months (had met a few times) before we had se)(.

He was in touch for months after but only cos he wanted a repeat performance - he made that clear.

Look if he was that into the op he would not be playing games like this.

I am a friend

texthimornot wrote: »

Its driving me absolutley mad - i didnt sleep thinking it over in my head last night its sooo not like me to be like this! He is always saying he likes openess and honesty so I might text him later saying i think things are a little different and has he changed his mind about how he feels. Im just afraid of driving him away by saying that to him but for my own sanity I may say something its driving me mad

Settle!!! Where do you think it's going to get you by texting him?

Wompa1

Kiera wrote: »

Eh where on earth did you come up with that? That is not the answer to every problem in here, ya know!

OP, i agree with fungun. I'd say he's just embarrassed now. He's probably afraid to be flirty with you again in case it reminds you of what happened. Why dont you take the lead and send him a few flirty texts

I was actually thinking the same maybe once the clothes came off there was a lack of attraction or spark for him and he's just not that into her. Sounds like he's shying away from doing it again by not flirting

fits

I agree with the others. I think the best thing to do is to lean back and let him either come back to you or figure out what he wants for himself. Worst thing you can do is bombard him with communication right now in my opinion.

fungun

Id call him.

You can ask for advice but all we have are opinions....either option here could be right. However if you like the guy then Id risk embarrassment to be sure rather than let him slip away and be left wondering was it just him being embarrassed and thinking what might have been.....

flikflak

texthimornot wrote: »

Nothing was said by either of us.

This was the bit that stood out to me. You need to talk through with him what happened. Alright it might be a bit awkward at first but better to get it out in the open and if you are getting into a relationship with this person then these are the kind of things that you need to be talking about if they occur. It might be that he has suffered with ED before, it might be medical/medication or any number of issues.

Without talking it through it could be a stumbling block and jeopardise what could be a great, long lasting relationship which would be a shame.

Maybe suggest a meet up somewhere you can talk in private and bring it up in conversation.

LegacyUser

flikflak wrote: »

This was the bit that stood out to me. You need to talk through with him what happened. Alright it might be a bit awkward at first but better to get it out in the open and if you are getting into a relationship with this person then these are the kind of things that you need to be talking about if they occur. It might be that he has suffered with ED before, it might be medical/medication or any number of issues.

Without talking it through it could be a stumbling block and jeopardise what could be a great, long lasting relationship which would be a shame.

Maybe suggest a meet up somewhere you can talk in private and bring it up in conversation.

I completely disagree. Many men (and women) suffer from nerves the first time. The last thing you need to do is make a big issue about it. By all means talk about it if he wants to but 9 times out of ten, he'll be fine the next time without making a big deal out of the whole thing.

Miss Fluff

I'd always be wary when someones behaviour changes overnight and inexplicably. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now though, tell him you're looking forward to seeing him again to reassure him and arrange an impromptu date asap, hopefully seeing him again will reassure you both.If you still feel he is being weird and/or distant then say it to him

squonk

Talking about it sounds very 'American' imho. I'd simply text him to say you enjoyed the weekend and would love to do it again and when is he free next. That lets him know you don't consider what happened a big deal and if he decides he wants to talk about the last time, fair enough but I wouldn't go bringing it up as it doesn't sound like it's bothered you to any great extent. What matters now is the next time. If, on the other hand he isn't so hot about another night together, then you'll feel a bit sheepish and maybe annoyed but at least you know the story then.

If he does want to meet up again, maybe go somewhere more relaxed. Either one of your own places would be good. Most guys would have experienced what NASA would describe as an 'aborted launch' at some stage but he might be a bit knocked back after it given that he did a lot of chasing in the first place. I'd say just be cool, confident and make him very aware there's no issue from your perspective and take it from there.

flikflak

disagreement wrote: »

I completely disagree. Many men (and women) suffer from nerves the first time. The last thing you need to do is make a big issue about it. By all means talk about it if he wants to but 9 times out of ten, he'll be fine the next time without making a big deal out of the whole thing.

I don’t mean go into a lengthy discussion about it I just mean to not hide it under the carpet and ignore it. It could be a 30 second conversation when you are together that ends with a mutual understanding of the situation. Nothing heavy at all.

silly

I'd txt him.
You'll get nowhere by ignoring a situation...
Just in a playful way you could say, "you're unusually quiet these days, everything alright? "

Scealta_saol

IMO he was embarrassed by what happened. He was flirtatious and you said he was experimental up until then. It's understandable he would be embarrassed.

If you're really interested in him then get in contact. But there's no need to talk about it. Show him it doesn't matter. On your next date, you could take the lead to show him it's not an issue.

Hope everything works out for you...

Firetrap

My theory is that he's embarrassed by what happens. It's kind of difficult to be flirtatious after you've failed to come up with the goods so to speak. If he's not interested you'll find out soon enough. So, if you've not done so already, contact him

texthimornot

Thanks so much to everyone here for their advice. Since I last posted he rang and texted and we have been meeting up and all has been great. His problem was obviously just nerves and build up to the occassion as it hasnt been an issue since. Things are going very well and he even initiated saying he loved me last weekend.

I am just out of an extremely long relationsip ( over ten years that began in my very early twenties). Is it normal to feel anxious all the time like...will I hear from him today?....will he call tonight on his way home from work etc?. He is working and studying as a mature student at the moment so he is fairly flat out. Also he lives about 70 miles away so we are really only getting to see each other one day/night at the weekend, not during the week at all.

Maybe its just the fact that we are still in the honeymoon phase and not getting to see each other much that I am constanly wondering...will we be meeting at weekend, is he in it for the long haul etc. Is this something that happends when you reach your thirites, as instead of enjoying dating him im feeling anxious all the time when we are not meeting up or maybe its a case that I just really like him. Prob sound like a freak but I dont rememeber feeling this anxious and uptight about a relationship years ago. By the way its not that I dont trust him, I totally do that is not the source of my anxiety. Just wondering if there are other ladies in their thirties out there that feel like this and can make me feel like im not going mad! Thanks

LegacyUser

Yes, a certain amount of that anxiety is normal. But when it goes beyond a certain level its worth listening to. I learned this to my cost with my most recent ex. I always felt like I needed more reassurance and attention from him, and it turned out to be because his feelings werent strong enough for me.



But this doesnt really sound like the case with your fella, although it is very early for the 'l' word innit?

Mighty_Mouse

Things are going very well and he even initiated saying he loved me last weekend

There's no appropriate time-frame for relationships to develop.
That said..................it a very intense start!

It's possible that ye like each other too much!!
The intensity has added a pressure, high expectations, anxiety and nerves.
Slow down, relax, re-asssure each other if necessary. Enjoy!