how do i love myself?

scarymoon1

I don't know how to love myself. Ive tried. My counsellor said i needed to do it and ive been working on it but i still dont truly feel it. I always seem to go for wrong men that will hurt me or are unavailable. I always chase them and feel like crap when they are not interetsed. I try to make them hate me so its easier for me to move on. All this is not someone who loves themselves. Anyone any ideas how I can treat myself better and even respect myself more?

username123

Great book recommendation Sunflower.

How do I love myself? I try to be the person I want to be. So I want to be someone who treats people well, looks after my own body through a clean diet and exercise, looks after my own mind through education and hobbies I enjoy, takes pleasure from simple things like a nice meal, a good song, a nice bath and a hot water bottle while reading a good book and likes to indulge in the occasional treat like a bar of chocolate or a self indulgent shopping purchase.

I try to be a good listener, I try to deal with negative emotion like anger in a positive way (like walking away and doing some hard exercise to blow off steam before going back to calmly address the issue).

If I notice a particular good trait in someone (like kindness or generosity) I try to bring as much of it as I am capable of into my own life.

Course I hate myself sometimes, if Im having a bad day or treat someone in a manner in which I shouldnt, or if I feel a lot of pain from some injury or condition and Im just sick of it - but I reflect on any negative behaviours and try to use the reflections in a positive way so that I dont repeat the same mistakes.

I do nice things for myself and spend time with myself just goofing off or thinking about life or relaxing with a bit of music.

It all sounds like a lot of work which can be summed up in one simple sentence - 'think before you act, and if how you are about to behave might haunt you later - behave differently or walk away'.

scarymoon1

thanks for that - i will buy the book. I read things - go to my counsellor and yet I still make the same mistakes sometimes. Like i will text someone and i know i shouldnt - texting is like an addiction sometimes - the things i say in texts i would never say to the persons face. I tried to get rid of my mobile a while back but the questions i got from people and saying its dangerous without one etc i had to get the mobile back again. Its hard to really believe the things i read and hear from my counsellor but as you said it takes time.

scarymoon1

username123 wrote: »

Great book recommendation Sunflower.

How do I love myself? I try to be the person I want to be. So I want to be someone who treats people well, looks after my own body through a clean diet and exercise, looks after my own mind through education and hobbies I enjoy, takes pleasure from simple things like a nice meal, a good song, a nice bath and a hot water bottle while reading a good book and likes to indulge in the occasional treat like a bar of chocolate or a self indulgent shopping purchase.

I try to be a good listener, I try to deal with negative emotion like anger in a positive way (like walking away and doing some hard exercise to blow off steam before going back to calmly address the issue).

If I notice a particular good trait in someone (like kindness or generosity) I try to bring as much of it as I am capable of into my own life.

Course I hate myself sometimes, if Im having a bad day or treat someone in a manner in which I shouldnt, or if I feel a lot of pain from some injury or condition and Im just sick of it - but I reflect on any negative behaviours and try to use the reflections in a positive way so that I dont repeat the same mistakes.

I do nice things for myself and spend time with myself just goofing off or thinking about life or relaxing with a bit of music.

It all sounds like a lot of work which can be summed up in one simple sentence - 'think before you act, and if how you are about to behave might haunt you later - behave differently or walk away'.

thanks - the bit where you say think before you act - its so hard - its like an impulse and i know its wrong but i cant stop. Then when its done i feel calm but also worried and mad with myself for doing it - like sending an angry text

username123

scarymoon1 wrote: »

thanks - the bit where you say think before you act - its so hard - its like an impulse and i know its wrong but i cant stop. Then when its done i feel calm but also worried and mad with myself for doing it - like sending an angry text

You are in a learned behaviour cycle - to break the cycle you need to learn a different behaviour - like switching your phone off, waiting 2 hours, doing something different in between, then switching it back on. When the initial impulse passes its much much easier to not do the nasty text.

Get busy - as sunflower says - you need to fill your time with other things.

scarymoon1

again thank you - yes you are right i need to fill my time more - the last 2 weeks i have been out of a job so its been a nightmare but i feel a bit better as i think another has come up for next week - i hope! I do have hobbies, horse riding, im going horse racing tomorrow so i know tomorrow i wont be interested in my phone as il be doing something i love - so yes - i need to get out more and stop moping and being lonely. Its just i cringe now at thinking how some of the guys i have been with probably think im nuts with all my texts. My counsellor said i have to make a decision and decide whether i want to continue on in my cycle or change. I do want to change - but she said i have to give 100% and thats so hard. I was also shocked when she said I was one of the coldest people she met with regard to other peoples feelings and basically a slut! But she was right.

pinkhop

Op you sound very much like me! I act like someone who doesnt love myself too. I feel so worthless that its like i'll go with anyone who'll have me. I was/am on a path of self destruction.

I was going to a councellor a few months ago but it didn't help because I think I expected her to say the magic words and I would be all better. Tomorrow is my first day back to her after quiting for a while. I am going back with a different attitude though. After eventually hitting rock bottom I know now that I will not change unless I work at it. My councellor is no magician she can help me but ultimately only I can fix me.

Hopefully we eventually see how beatuiful we are and worthy of the right kind of love op.. too good to just give ourselves to anyone.

Best of luck xxx

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I did a lot of therapy too and had to heal from an abusive childhood at the hands of my parents, with no positive reflection of myself i also had to love me better to feel better!

What i have discovered on my journey was that my confidence grew when i achieved my degree when i was around people who respected me for the first time ever!

More things happened where i saw strengths i never knew i had, thats all you have to do! its not that you start with pointing out what your crap at! you start and pointing out what your good at, when you start listing that list the negative falls away!

I have a notebook of positive aspects i write things about me! its a really positive thing to do, if you can only write one or two things then this reflects how you feel about yourself! i now write loads! its not in a selfish way its just great to see your strengths! you have so many i bet you don't appreciate! here is a few i write about myself so you can have an idea! but just because your learning a lot from relationships doesn't mean that you haven't a lot of other areas of your life working, you might be a great friend.

So, write stuff like, loving, caring, nice, sweet, beautiful, honest, self aware, etc all your strengths, once they are written they then get cemented into your brain, my life is now flying because i have learned to give myself the love i need. This is an old saying, but there is nothing more attractive than a strong confident woman, i swear its so true, so maybe give the relationships a break and work on the one with yourself, replace any negative thoughts or voices in your head from the past that people have put you down over and only concentrate on the greatness that you are. Energy flows where attention goes!


All the best!

The Aspirations Coach

Hi OP,

Just a few quick questions:

1. Do you want to love yourself?
2. If you really loved yourself, what would be different in your life?
3. What are you getting out of your current behaviour? You are doing it for a reason so what exactly is it?
4. Do you believe that you deserve to love yourself?
5. Do you believe that you deserve to be loved?


Thanks,

Paula

LegacyUser

Give yourself permission op, I know it might sound silly but it helps. Some good book suggestions there too, want to go and have a read myself.
I have to constantly give myself permission, just a little reminder every now and again that I am allowed to be loved. (otherwise I tend to deny myself the luxury )

scarymoon1

The Aspirations Coach wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just a few quick questions:

1. Do you want to love yourself?
2. If you really loved yourself, what would be different in your life?
3. What are you getting out of your current behaviour? You are doing it for a reason so what exactly is it?
4. Do you believe that you deserve to love yourself?
5. Do you believe that you deserve to be loved?


Thanks,

Paula

Hi

1. Yes - i think so
2. I would not put myself in situations where i just know i will get hurt - like getting involved with an unavailable man. I would want more for myslef and not just settle for second best
3. Well basically its to do with childhood - my parents were not exactly good at showing they loved me - no hugs etc - and my dad was an angry and domineering man who had to be obeyed - so I guess when i meet men I try desperatly to get them to love me - like I would have done when i was small - and get angry when they dont. I try to control men so that I have the power not to get hurt. Its all linked to when i was small. All my behaviour now is related to childhood and my relationship with my dad. When I feel intense feelings and know they are not justifed i told its not real and its more to do with childhood experiences. So what I feel when I chase the guys is familar to me and people usually do whats familar to them
4. yes
5. yes

username123

The best description I have for this (and I think its from the first book recommended) is that its like a dance that you know all the moves to. You are familiar with how the dance goes, so when you meet someone who knows the other side of the same dance, it all feels familiar and you get dancing the same destructive dance.

Except now, for you, you have realised the dance is not a healthy dance.

So you need to start dancing with someone and not know the moves, and not do whats familiar.

I had an alcoholic Dad and spent many years choosing unreliable, heavy drinking or drug using men, most of whom could be bullies or just self absorbed, who felt 'familiar' to me.

When I had to break my own cycle, first I didnt date anyone for a long time, then I dated a guy who felt ALL wrong. A clean living guy, who liked the gym, who felt sick after 5 drinks, who had no interest in drugs, who (shock horror) actually phoned or texted when he said he would and who basically had nothing going on in terms of danger/drama/unhealthy excitement. In fact, he seemed pretty boring to me because I had no idea what a 'normal' calm relationship was like.

But I stuck with it and broke the cycle. I knew, because of the healthy individual he was, that he wouldnt accept any dysfunctional behaviour in the relationship, there was no negative drama of 'you didnt text, you dont care etc....'. Nothing like that.

It may feel wrong at first - but if you know that what you have been doing and who you have been choosing all along has been wrong - do something different.

scarymoon1

thanks for replies - the men i picked have not been bad men - most of them have been nice guys but maybe just not ready for me - i tend to be full on and go mad if they dont text back asap. They usually said they didnt want relationships but i guess id say this too if someone mentioned relationships on a second or third date! I tend to scare them off. The recent guy i met - i slept with him and then basically hounded him via text. Now thats ended in him prob thinking im a nutter and wondering why he slept with me. Im so ashamed - i always do these stupid and cray things. Also i think ive been picking the wrong friends - my 'best friend' is sometimes too tired to go out with me but can no problem go out with guy friends. She tends to not mention things when im doing good and tries to put me off men. Then when im out of work and down she asks me questions about men and work! I dont think she has my best interests at heart. So thats basically all the mistakes i make. I do want to change - i went to therapy and need to go back again. I think i need to make a list and just follow that for a while until its routine. It will be hard and i mite fail. Its like an addiction and i crave for the familar when i dont get it - like smoking - i need to break the habit. Ive failed before with lists but i dont know what else to do. Its really making me sad i keep making the same mistakes over and over - is a list the best thing to do at first to get me started??

scarymoon1

its so nice people are taking the time to reply - im so used to thiking people are only out for themselves and only using me for their own good. I know this is not always the case. I think im too hard on my friend - i know she has had a tough home life too - plus she told me she is insecure too and always needs to have a boyfriend to reassure herself. By lists i mean things to do - like keep my phone off for a day and not be checking it the whole time. Eat healthy. Do things that challenge me. Don't be constantly thinking of men and who fancies me. I need structure in my life - and a list might do this. But then when i don't get all the things on the list done i feel ive failed. But I need to not give in so easily i think.

meganj

Op I just had to respond to this. You could actually have signed it Megan!

I have to say that after going to counselling for about three years I just had a major break through so my advice of sticking with the counselling might be a bit bias.

Like you I struggled with self-love. I dated the wrong men, I knew they were wrong for me but I figured that there was no one nice for me. There we're (and are)a lot of other issues.

I will say that the best advice I got from therapy regarding self-love was to nurture yourself. As someone said here do nice things for yourself, sit with a good book or go horse riding. For me the best thing that I did was cut myself some slack. I stopped giving out to myself, or tried to at least. And when my inner critic would say somethig like 'that was really stupid' or 'you look fat in that' I developed a voice that spoke back and said 'that'g not nice' eventually the critic stopped being as loud.

Practically, I do an exercise everyday, stand in front of the mirror and pick out something you like about yourself, or something you dislike least. I try and do one physical and one personal l. So today I said 'my boobs look good today' and 'I gave good advice to a friend' and I try and remember that even if I don't love myself today, it doesn't mean I won't tomorrow, or the next day.

I really really wish you the best of luck with this. Be kind to yourself.

Gannicus

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Anyone any ideas how I can treat myself better and even respect myself more?

One day a week take time for yourself. Do stuff that you enjoy, stuff that makes you feel good and turn your phone off so nobody is distracting you. Pamper yourself. whether it be going out and doing something or sitting in bed all day eating goodies and watching your favourite movies.

Or

Take a class in something your interested in. improve a skill give you a bit more confidence and then a more positive attitude take it from there.

strokemyclover

Steps I found a way to that inner conundrum are:

- Learn to be comfortable with your own company. I don't think you can be confortable with anyone else until this is realised.
- Identify people in your past you have felt anger towards. Future attractive people are usually similar to those you hold this anger towards so you can go back and try to 'fix' them; this is a never ending cycle if you cannot forgive.
- Learn to forgive. It is a powerful survival tool in life and should be utilised for even the most minor of offences as you perceive them. This works both within you and towards those you may feel anger towards. You don't need to tell them this for it to be true for you.
- Treat yourself frequently; setting goals before the treat makes them feel less of a guilty pleasure.
- Realise life is this hard for everyone, not just you. I'm not saying this in a condescending way; we're all human and we all suffer from similar problems. You are not alone!
- Realise your strengths and weaknesses and don't beat yourself up too much over the latter; we are all good at a lot of things, some we are aware of and some we are not - as one previous poster wrote: write these good things down, it's true if it's in print!

Took me a lot of hours of head scratching too to get where I am. Hope it helps!