Am I turning mysogynistic?

LegacyUser

Before I start this thread, I am aware that some people will call me a bad person but Im fully aware to take that on the chin.

Basically, my mother left my father as his business crumbled around him. She left him for another man with money. I am 24 and she is in her 60's. I believe that may contribute to the problem.

I can't stand women anymore. I used to nice to women, but I got walked all over. I try to date women, but they see me as a friend as opposed to a potential boyfriend. I have tried chatting with shy girls, loud girls, big girls, small girls, was the big shot, was the long shot, I've been loud, I've been quiet, but they all seem to ignore me.

All girls in their early 20's want the most popular guy, who is the 'alpha'.

I have started to be extremely selfish recently, and not as nice, and guess what? Women like me for it. Im starting to see women as the enemy, and fear I may be becoming mysogynistic. I really don't want to, but I feel as if the world is hardening me to that point of view.

Please help

Distorted

To be honest, you sound more like a mummy's boy, in that you are letting your mother's behaviour influence you as when you should be an indepedent adult.

Business failure are incredibly stressful to judge your mother on the money issue alone is unbalanced. You should try to see her as an individual with a right to be happy in a non-judgemental way. Likewise, women don't exist solely to make you happy. Relationships that work do so because each partner gives and takes more or less equally. Yet all you write about is what you can get out of relationships. You are probably therefore only attractive to the more selfish women as like tends to attract like.

Elle Collins

You need to realise a few things here OP. Firstly your mother didn't just up and leave a happy relationship for a man with money. If your mother had been truly happy with your father the winning lotto ticket wouldn't have gotten her out of that relationship. Obviously she was in an unhappy marriage, which (whether it suits you to believe it or not) your father contributed to. I don't need to know your parents to know this - I know it because it takes two people to make an unhappy marriage.

Maybe your view is as one-sided as it is because you've been listening to a lot of your father bitching about your mother and little if any bitching going in the other direction? Sounds to me like your mother fell in love with someone else who just happened to have money - but I guess it suits you and your dad to put in her the gold-digger category because of that. Demonising people is easy OP, maybe you could benefit from looking a little deeper than that.

As for your issues with women your own age - it sounds to me like you've got some confidence issues (as does anybody who has to modify their own behavoiur in order to attract the opposite sex) You'd be better off working on your own issues rather than holding young women accountable for the fact that they're not very attracted to you right now. Lack of confidence is unattractive OP, but you can work on that, as long, of course, as you get your head round where the buck stops. Of course until you figure that out you'll continue to blame young women for your woes and build on the frankly disturbing views you're currently cultivating.

Misogynist?

Misogynist? wrote: »

I can't stand women anymore. I used to nice to women, but I got walked all over. I try to date women, but they see me as a friend as opposed to a potential boyfriend. I have tried chatting with shy girls, loud girls, big girls, small girls, was the big shot, was the long shot, I've been loud, I've been quiet, but they all seem to ignore me.

Well, you're making it quite difficult for yourself. Probability, to my mind, would dictate that without any mitigating factors (like a foot for a face), at some point in time someone will like you. If you're always refashioning yourself into a different person, no one is going to get a chance to know you, plus you're turning yourself into a variable, so that every so often when a girl comes along that could like you, you'll never know because you'll be acting like someone else, someone that she doesn't like. You're missing your chances. You can't just act like a different person each month and expect that someday you'll hit on an attitude that will make women jump you in the street.

I have started to be extremely selfish recently, and not as nice, and guess what? Women like me for it. Im starting to see women as the enemy, and fear I may be becoming mysogynistic. I really don't want to, but I feel as if the world is hardening me to that point of view.

The world isn't doing anything to you. If you want to see women as the enemy, that's your choice, but don't pretend it's been forced on you. I've been lied to by men, cheated on by men, made fun of and teased meanly by men, I was even bullied by some boys in primary school. I've had many conflicts with men and often been belittled/ignored/hurt by men. And so have most women, particularly ones without looks to get them by. But I don't think their gender was the problem, and I certainly don't hate men because of it. I understand that it must be a lasting and horrible memory/fact that your mother left, and I'm sure it's frustrating that you're not getting much interest from women, but it's no reason to hate an entire gender. Everyone gets hurt, and if you want to hate women go ahead but don't blame outside forces. This is a choice you're making yourself, and regardless of whether or not you're being flirted with more now, ultimately you're only alienating yourself from women more.

LegacyUser

Misogynist? wrote: »

Before I start this thread, I am aware that some people will call me a bad person but Im fully aware to take that on the chin.

Basically, my mother left my father as his business crumbled around him. She left him for another man with money. I am 24 and she is in her 60's. I believe that may contribute to the problem.

I can't stand women anymore. I used to nice to women, but I got walked all over. I try to date women, but they see me as a friend as opposed to a potential boyfriend. I have tried chatting with shy girls, loud girls, big girls, small girls, was the big shot, was the long shot, I've been loud, I've been quiet, but they all seem to ignore me.

All girls in their early 20's want the most popular guy, who is the 'alpha'.

I have started to be extremely selfish recently, and not as nice, and guess what? Women like me for it. Im starting to see women as the enemy, and fear I may be becoming mysogynistic. I really don't want to, but I feel as if the world is hardening me to that point of view.

Please help

Fair play to you for holding your hand up and admitting that something aint right, I think the other posters who've replied already aren't even seeing that this is a massive step. You're aware and thats half the battle. I couldnt tell you for sure but Im willing to bet most men who hate women arent fully aware of their own behaviour, so you're ahead of the game already.
It is true to say though that its all about confidence when it comes to attracting women, or put another way being at ease with yourself. I couldnt get a girlfriend for ages while all around me were scoring left right and centre. Couldnt figure it out, got frustrated, blamed women, hated them for not picking me over other guys. Eventually I did meet a girl(more luck than anything) but when I did something strange happened: Women seemed to want me now. Everywhere I went women would give me the eye or chat me up or if there was alcohol involved just come straight out and proposition me. This made me even more angry and confused though. They didnt want me when I was available but now that I wasnt availbale they couldnt get enough of me????? They wanted me now only because they couldnt have me or so it seemed, if I had broken up with my girlfriend I would be back to being the invisible man, I knew that for sure. I was pissed off, how could women be so shallow and dumb, only wanting what they couldn't have? Or at least thats what it looked like on the surface of things. But when I analysed what had happened I realised what the truth really was. Women werent attracted to me now just because I had a girlfriend, they were attracted to the way having a girlfriend had changed me. I no longer felt pressure to talk to women with a view to getting something from them(sex). I had what I needed in my girlfriend and so I was more relaxed. I also felt like somebody actually liked or even loved me after years of thinking that I was just unattractive to the opposite sex. And it was this that women responded to. Its a paradox I know, but once you dont need anything from women, once you like yourself and who you are, they'll be drawn to you. I suppose what it comes down to is you gotta love yourself before you can love anybody else. I know thats some heavy Dr. Phil stuff there, but in my experience its true. But you gotta work on yourself, get yourself to the point where you're not trying to get another person to fill in the gaping holes in your existance. Nobody can do that for you except you. Having a girlfriend is a bonus not an essential requirement. Having a girlfriend will not make you happy, I promise you that. Bottom line is you have to be happy first, like (maybe even love)yourself, then you'll get the girl.

Go talk to a counsellor about the women hating stuff man, work through it. Make an effort to tackle this problem head on, if you try you'll get there, its all about the trying.

Wolfe Tone

I would question if you are actually "becoming selfish", putting yourself first, being yourself and not putting on an act isnt being selfish.

Seen as you are someone who was "walked all over" what you think is selfish ie not putting everyone else first may in fact not be selfish but a healthy attitude hence increased interest from the ladies.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Well at least your aware of how your relationship with your mother has impacted you, if i was you i would be more upset with the fact that she abandoned you then the fact that she abandoned your father, but that is defo going to make you scared in relationships. You have made a connection in your current relationships with your main past female relationship so thats a good start. You know that saying what we fear we create, so you are prob afraid that a woman is going to abandon you again so you are attracting those kids of girls, then because you have been hurt over and over you have now become the abandoner. Thats the one thing you didn't like your mother doing to you and now your doing it, but don't fret, its what happens when you don't deal with past hurts.

What you need to do and this is easier said then done is forgive your mother, i had to forgive both my parents who had both abused me physically and sexually, so i know how hard it is, and i can tell you that forgiveness is for you, you don't ever condone the bad behavior! but you just change your identity with it and you stop identifying with you being defined as your mothers son, you are you now and are your own unique person, forgiveness means you let it all go and hand it over or away to something. So your mother is who she and you accept that good or bad so that you don't have anymore hurt in you, i still don't know if i can explain forgiveness because it's hard to explain, but once you do that your relationships will change because you change the dynamic of what you are identifying with.

whatsamsn

Misogynist? wrote: »

....I have started to be extremely selfish recently, and not as nice, and guess what? Women like me for it. Im starting to see women as the enemy, and fear I may be becoming mysogynistic. I really don't want to, but I feel as if the world is hardening me to that point of view.

Please help

Im not sounding bad, but from having this attitude you are getting more girls. Is it really a problem?

After all, your experiences made you feel this way. Could be a phase, could be the nature of life. As bad as it seems to say... I dont think you have a problem (aka, 'so be it' to describe your actions)

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

So you've gone from being overly nice and friend-zoned to a bit less of a walk-over and now women are finding your new found assertiveness/coolness more attractive? I'm not really seeing why you think you are becoming misogynistic - other than you saying you can't stand women anymore...and tbh I think we all go through phases of being jaded with the opposite sex. I'm not sure I'd even view it as a bad thing - I don't think being a walkover or viewing women as unattainable is particularly healthy either. Perhaps finding a new balance is a good thing?

I'd also second the poster that pointed out it takes two to make an unhappy marriage - so perhaps stop focussing all your blame on your mother and accept that it take two people to make a relationship and two to make a relationship so bad that leaving is even a consideration.

All the best you.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I went through a phase of misondry myself. Just thought the male gender was evil, not so much as individuals but as a group = total scum. Mostly it came from reading up on the history of female emancipation and also the crazy **** that women are still subjected to the world over to this day i.e. in Saudi Arabia, Yemen and so on. Now I found I was fostering this attitude rather than it being justified. I was filling my own head with this crap rather than it coming from life experience. You're the opposite, you've taken your life experience i.e. your mother, and are using that to judge women around you. Neither approach is healthy.

I'm not going to tell you it takes two to make a marraige work etc, in fairness for all I know your mother is a gold digging wagon, who am I to say? But even if she is that doesn't mean the rest of us are. What stopped the man hating in me was meeting my OH, he is without doubt the best person in the whole world. If I didn't have the cop on to ditch those opinions I could have driven away the best thing that's ever happened to me.

In all fairness OP it's understandable that you could go through a phase of misogyny after the breakup of your parents so I wouldn't get to upset just yet, it's only really a problem if you don't move on from it and get over it. Could you go and talk to a councellor perhaps? Look whatever else is going on in your head remember this: there's no real difference between men and women, some are selfish, some aren't, some are greedy, some aren't etc etc. If you go around expecting all women to be bitches that's what you'll pick up on and you'll miss Ms Right as she walks past. I promise you girls do like nice guys, I know because I'm madly in love with the nicest, kindest guy on the planet.

Best of luck.