3yr old sobbing for the dad she's never known ...

greengirl31

Hi Boardies ...
I'm hoping someone here will be able to offer some advice ...
I'm a single parent of a 3yr old (almost 4) little girl. She's happy, bright little girl and normally very well behaved. I split with her father before she was born and despite my best efforts he's had little or no relationship with her. He lives about an hour away and I've said I'll drive close to where he is or he can come to us and he always says that he'd love to see her but then always finds an excuse not to. Now if I'm honest, I'm glad he stays away because it means I don't have to see him but that said, I can be an adult and put aside my feelings for the good of my Daughter if necessary - at least I think I can. !! I've spoken to him about this and I've told him that it's never too late to make an effort. Now he has seen her 3 or 4 times - the most recent was at Easter time but before that it was about 18 mths before.
The reason I set up the recent meeting was cause she had started asking questions about him a few months before. I told that not everybody's daddy lives with them and I told her his Name and that he lived down the country and I've shown her pictures. Just before the last meet up I told her that we were going to see him and they seemed to get on fine - We met at the beach and He played with her and after a few minutes she warmed to him and was happy enough with him - but it was kinda like I'd bumped into an old acquaintance in the park if you know what I mean ... Anyway, he stayed for about an hour and she didn't seem that bothered when he left and I didn't hear too much about him again for a little while ...
The last few weeks she's talking about him alot again - In the way a child might talk about an imaginary friend - Like "in my Daddy's house there's Barbie's on the wall" /My daddy can fix my toy/ my daddy reads me this story. A couple of nights lately she's woken up with bad dreams and has been screaming for her daddy. When she comes out with these things I normally just respond with "oh really" but I never tell her that she's wrong. She's normally well behaved too but this last week has been like an episode of Supernanny although this be completely un-related to her latest fixation on her Dad.
I know that the other kids in Crèche talk about their Dad's so she'd pick up on that a good bit but her dad has never played a role in her life. I know the obvious thing is to get in touch with her dad to arrange to meet up and I've done that but I get the "I'll organise something for next week" and it never happens. (I was asking him for at least 4 months before the last time I saw him). It breaks my heart to see her sobbing her little eyes out looking for her dad.
Anyway, I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this. I knew this was always going to be an issue but How do you explain this type of situation to a child that's not even 4 yet ?!?!?!?
Thanks
A

CrazyRabbit

Either he's a part of her life, or he's not. Children need consistency and stability.

If he can't maintain regular contact, then it's in your daughters best interest to not see him at all. In time, she's get 'used' to him never being around again and will move on.

RubyGirl

+1 ^. Would you have a male friend she could spend some time with or even an uncle or uncle in law. I could be wrong but she's prob listenin to the other children at creche etc, my 5 year old started school last sept and his teacher got pregnant mid year and a couple of his friend mothers also. He told his teacher that "his Mom" had a baby in her tummy aswell and it would be out in time for Santa.

I only found this out this year when he went back to senior's and the same teacher said it to me.

greengirl31

Hi there ...

Thanks for the replies ...

Yes I've no doubt that she's better off without him in her life - I think it would be far more damaging for her to be all ready to head off with daddy and him not to turn up than not seeing him at all. It's not an ideal situation but that's how it is ... And she is picking up alot of this daddy stuff from crèche - which is only natural and I always knew it was going to happen. She does see my Brother and my Dad a good bit but my brother was away for the summer and with us being so busy we probably didn't see as much of my dad as usual so maybe that's part of it ...
I think this latest behaviour might be a little attention seeking too and while I don't want to indulge this too much, with something like the daddy issue I don't want to ignore it either. Is there anything I should be saying to my daughter to defuse this or should I just ignore it ??

LadyMayBelle

She sounds quite distressed you little one, with bad dreams and sobbing, and acting out supernanny style As another poster said, she really needs some kind of stability right now..going to creche is a MASSIVE chnage for little kids too, and that may be causing a bit more distress that makes it look all daddy-related. But the way for now, is for yo to stcik to your guns and decide whether daddy is in the picture or out..mini meet ups and telling her you will organise a meet up when he more than likely will bail isn't going to work.

Empathise with her when she is upset, tell her you can see how hard it feels and how sad she is, and I think you are doing well in explaining how some daddies aren't around. It's good to have a positive male role model for her too. Be her secure and stable base and keep reassuring her that is does feel all messy but it will be okay.DON'T ignore it x

greengirl31

Well I mentioned this to the girl in Crèche yesterday and asked if she mentioned her Daddy at all and she said that she talks about him ALOT !!!!!! And it seems to be more at home to - Everything we talk about, she has something to say about Daddy. The girl in Crèche reckons it's a "coping mechanism" so perhaps she's right ...
There hasn't been any nightmares for a week now and her behaviour seems to be alot better so for now I'll just let it be ...
Thanks for the replies :-)