lost the love of my life

LegacyUser

I’ve been hoping since Saturday against all hope but I’ve lost the love of my life.

We were together 4 years. She has a 5 year old son. We had lived together before but it didn’t work out. We moved in together in Feb and I thought things were going well. But sometimes I would get so frustrated with certain things that I’d have to go away out of the house. A couple of times I left for a few days. Recently this happened again but I thought better of it & came straight back. I apologised, she seemed to accept my apology. I could not work out why things I were doing were annoying her. The smallest thing would do it. I’d let it go until eventually I’d be able to take no more and then we’d row and row with no end in sight. I tried to make it work as best I could but things I did seemed to crop up again & again. She’d snap out of it though and we could enjoy the best evening ever together, soul mates. Physically the relationship was perfect I had no flaws in it at all. She was so sexy and if she didn’t feel it I’d tell her how attractive she was. But it seemed like she had a hand of aces which were problems in her mind, as soon as I’d fix one, another would appear. In May we went away with her little boy and she gave out to him a lot. I felt that if said anything, the whole thing would be turned on me.

This relationship has shown me that even when you trust someone this much, there is no guarantee it will work. This is someone I could lie with all day in bed and talk and never get bored. She was the love of my life & given I’ve been with a few girls who I felt strongly for, that is a big thing for me to say. I’m a bit stand offish & she ran after me at the start and that flattered me. But about 18 months in, we seemed to get into a cycle of row, guilt, make up, row. It’s not healthy.

I tried to bring things up with her but sometimes I felt there was no point. Then I’d get frustrated & say things to her. We’d trade insults and afterwards I’d apologise for anything said. She has never apologised to me in all our time together.

I’ve lost the love of my life and I know people say things like ‘it gets better’ but I cannot describe the hurt I feel. It feels like a bad dream. I’m only 34 but I just cannot stomach being with anyone else. When you’ve had the perfect physical relationship everything else is a poor imitation. But I also can’t help thinking that someone is out there for me who I might not have the same spark with but who I connect with better.

What do I do friends? As I said I am very stand offish & very unlikely to ask someone out. Worse still with all this free time I don’t have a lot to do & I don’t want to drink too much as that messes up your mind. How do I get over her, especially as I’ve not been able to in the past? I feel like my heart is going to break.

LegacyUser

I am going through the same thing. Except its after 17 years. My own stupid pride and inability to listen and see what problems we had have totally ruined any chance of a reconciliation.

What can I do? Nothing but swallow the whole ball of bile that I have created and move on, because there is no way she will ever have me back.

I didn't cheat, but I broke a trust.

The real problem is we have 2 kids, no money and nowhere to go. She is living with her mother for a few days.

What am I going to do? Probably nothing for at least 6 months. I cant even think of another relationship at the moment. Maybe in a couple of years I will be ready. But for now I have lost my soul mate and my best friend.

All I can say to you is what I tell myself, it gets better. Not easier, but better.

Priori

You're obviously going through a very low time right now. Hollow as it may sound, you need to get actively involved in things which will take your focus off the relationship. If you're stuck in a rut with too much time on your hands, you might consider volunteering? It would also be a good way to meet new people.

all_over_guest wrote:

When you’ve had the perfect physical relationship everything else is a poor imitation. But I also can’t help thinking that someone is out there for me who I might not have the same spark with but who I connect with better.

You obviously consider her very physically attractive, but don't let that distort your view of her; unfortunately this will often happen with mens' perceptions of women. A woman's positive traits (through no fault of her own) can often be greatly exaggerrated simply because she carries them around in a beautiful vessel.

In anycase, if you do connect with somebody better, you may even find that the spark is even more intense. That spark, from my experience, definitely isn't based entirely on physical attraction.

Hope you're not feeling too bad, and I hope this has been of some help.

LegacyUser

yes, it's a low time but I need to snap out of it.

I am feeling massive guilt too. Things said in rows, tears, wondering was she depressed, wondering could i have done more are all rattling around in my head today.

A bad sign for both of us is when friends on both sides tell us we should part. I love her, she loves me but the rows become more intense. I keep getting told 'think of yourself' but that's not me. Her & her son are all I think or care about. If I knew they were ok, then I could certainly feel some bit better myself. I feel massive guilt towards the little boy especially. I wasn't his dad but loved to have fun with him & see his reaction to things and to hear his funny comments. People tell me that I'll get over that but I don't think I will.

There is also a difference in our incomes. I earn more, so splitting leaves her in a tough position. I want to help I want to put my arm around them to let them know no matter what things will be fine, but wondering how far that should go. As I said, guilt is the big over-riding emotion now & I'm old enough to know it's also the least useful emotion out there.

Firetrap

all_over_guest wrote: »

But about 18 months in, we seemed to get into a cycle of row, guilt, make up, row. It’s not healthy.

Despite everything that you've written, it all boils down to this. I know you are devastated at the moment and have about 50 million emotions going through your head all at the same time. You sound like a couple who just couldn't live with each other or have a harmonious relationship. So for all those rose-tinted good times you're recounting here, there are hellish bad ones. It has to have been a seriously stormy and destructive relationship if your own family and friends wanted you to split.

You need to take time out and get over this. Don't even think about relationships - your headspace is in no condition for that. You need to get over this one first, sort out whatever needs to be sorted out regarding the split and start a new life for yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks Firetrap.

That's the thing though - how does it end up like that? I love her, I know she loves me, we'd do anything for each other but completely rub each other up the wrong way. Recently our families started to get involved, mainly because they could both see we were getting hurt and the desire to protect took over on both sides. I can't fault her family, they've been very good to me so when they spoke, I listened & said nothing. My family spoke to her, all very corteous and things were explained on both sides, but it left a bad taste in the mouth all round. Neither of us knew these conversations were coming.

I see what nobody else does. I see this beautiful person inside & out who I want to be with so much, but end up rowing with. It feels like everything I do is wrong and she says I just don't listen. Like on our anniversary of meeting last year I treated her to a surprise but she said she just wanted to go for a meal & a few drinks. I tried to spice it up & be romantic but it became 'you never listen'. I told a few close friends about this & they said alarm bells were ringing in their heads. It's not that she should be happy with whatever I throw at her, but that she keeps concentrating on what I am not doing, instead of what I am. But inevitably it seems that what I am doing is wrong in some format. That's hard ot accept, frustrating and I get agitated.

I'm a good person & so is she. I've had 3 other long term relationships (> a year) and still speak to 2. I don't talk to one as she was selfish & rude. My girlfriend has also had 3 long term partners & speaks to 2 of them and they say good things about her.

So if we are good people, how is it this has not worked?

Strange & difficult.

Firetrap wrote: »

Despite everything that you've written, it all boils down to this. I know you are devastated at the moment and have about 50 million emotions going through your head all at the same time. You sound like a couple who just couldn't live with each other or have a harmonious relationship. So for all those rose-tinted good times you're recounting here, there are hellish bad ones. It has to have been a seriously stormy and destructive relationship if your own family and friends wanted you to split.

You need to take time out and get over this. Don't even think about relationships - your headspace is in no condition for that. You need to get over this one first, sort out whatever needs to be sorted out regarding the split and start a new life for yourself.

SheRa

all_over_guest wrote: »

So if we are good people, how is it this has not worked?

Because you can work on so so many levels and be deeply in love but rub each other up in the wrong way in a number of issues.

Just because its painful and upsetting and strange and difficult to breakup, doesn't always mean that its wrong to break up.

The pain will ease, I promise you that.

What should you do?

Break contact completely. You've not been able to get over her in the past as it sounds to me like you guys remained in contact. You (both of you) cant begin to heal until you stop staying in touch.

Exercise. It doesn't matter what type, even a brisk walk. Its a worn out cliche, but it does help a lot. Take up a new hobby if you can or volunteer etc.

Talk to someone, whether it be a friend or relative. Bottling it up makes things worse.

Good idea to stay away from the drink, not just for the lack of willpower that it brings about (whereby you could end up contacting her), but the booze blues the next day will just make everything feel much worse for you.

I know what you are going through.

Good luck. One day you will look back on her with fondness rather than sadness.