People with depression. How does your other half deal with it?

LegacyUser

I'm depressed. I have been *I think* since I was about 17ish but was only diagnosed at age 21 (I'm 25 now).

I'm going out with my boyfriend a good few months now and I explained to him at the start that I was depressed. He said he'd like to more know as he didn't know a lot about it. I printed him off some information and highlighted the parts that was relavant to me. (Lack of sleep, poor concentration, memory loss, self frustration etc).

He read a small bit of it and then it got put into a pile never to be seen again.

I had a bit of an episode a few weeks ago. Basically he said 'remember when you said this' and I didn't remember. So I asked him to remind me and he shut off, saying no that it didn't matter. So all these thoughts of my illness deteriating rushed back into my mind.

(This first thing I ever noticed was memory loss - which is a result of poor concentration).

I screamed. Now, I'm not stupid, I know I shouldn't have but I was frustrated. He took this as me screaming at him but I was screaming at myself because I was terrified I was getting 'bad' again.

He ignored me for the rest of the night and I slept in a different room, cried myself to sleep. Woke up in the morning with no motivation to move, didn't wanna go to work so called in sick.

All I got from him was a 'cop yourself on' and 'this is the person I know, your better than this'.

I tried explaining that I'm depressed and that I'm having a bad day and I can't just snap out of it but it went on deaf ears.

Where do I go from here?

Taltos

Please keep replies of a nature on the relationship with the boyfriend.
Any medical based responses will force us to close this thread and may incur warnings/infractions as these are against our Charter.

Taltos

ElleEm

You need to fully explain your illness to him, if you are going to continue your relationship.
What people don't understand is that depression can affect every aspect of your life, and the solution isn't just to have someone tell you to "cop on".
If he doesn't get how the depression affects you, then he will think that I'd imagine when you're having an "off" day, he will think you're lazy, moany, irrational, over- emotional or aggressive. This is not good at all, so he needs to fully understand where you're coming from.

LegacyUser

Sorry I'm not being rude here, and i'm not downplaying your depression for a second but....

But i think your boyfriend may have a point.

Basically he said 'remember when you said this' and I didn't remember.

So all these thoughts of my illness deteriating rushed back into my mind.

I was screaming at myself because I was terrified I was getting 'bad' again.

It honestly sounds to me like you over reacted, you were made aware of a symptom (from something that happened a few weeks ago!) and convinced yourself it was another bad episode coming on. Sounds like you created a senario in your head, (you were depressed about getting depressed) which may have meerly been you over reacting at a symptom which may or may not have been related to your actual depression.

Of course if he's always like this whenever you're feeling down then maybe he's not the type of guy you need in your life, but there's also the possibility that maybe without trying to sound insulting (I am more than aware of the realities of living with depression) that maybe you genuinely were indulging in a 'poor me' moment in this particular case?.

LegacyUser

mwmwm wrote: »

Sorry I'm not being rude here, and i'm not downplaying your depression for a second but....

But i think your boyfriend may have a point.




It honestly sounds to me like you over reacted, you were made aware of a symptom (from something that happened a few weeks ago!) and convinced yourself it was another bad episode coming on. Sounds like you created a senario in your head, (you were depressed about getting depressed) which may have meerly been you over reacting at a symptom which may or may not have been related to your actual depression.

Of course if he's always like this whenever you're feeling down then maybe he's not the type of guy you need in your life, but there's also the possibility that maybe without trying to sound insulting (I am more than aware of the realities of living with depression) that maybe you genuinely were indulging in a 'poor me' moment in this particular case?.

Maybe you're right.

Let me say a bit more.

My memory loss was one of the worst possible things that happened me. I would have conversations with people and not remember a single word of it.

I would say to someone 'Hey, are you doing such a thing' and they'd be like 'You asked me that already today about 4 times'.

One person asked me 'was i thick' before.

It something that scares the bejesus outta me.

It's usually loved ones who are quicker to point out that you've already asked them or spoken to them so when he told me that we had already had our conversation it really upset me that I couldn't remember it. Hence the reaction.

mwmwm wrote: »

It honestly sounds to me like you over reacted, you were made aware of a symptom (from something that happened a few weeks ago!) and convinced yourself it was another bad episode coming on.

Just to add in as well.

The few weeks ago part here:

The conversation my boyfriend was implying we had was about 30mins prior. If I can't remember something 30mins ago then that usually indicates a problem.

@ ElleEm

Other than explaining my situation and providing him with stuff to read what else can I do?

hunnybunny

depressionproblems wrote: »

I'm depressed. I have been *I think* since I was about 17ish but was only diagnosed at age 21 (I'm 25 now).

I'm going out with my boyfriend a good few months now and I explained to him at the start that I was depressed. He said he'd like to more know as he didn't know a lot about it. I printed him off some information and highlighted the parts that was relavant to me. (Lack of sleep, poor concentration, memory loss, self frustration etc).

He read a small bit of it and then it got put into a pile never to be seen again.

I had a bit of an episode a few weeks ago. Basically he said 'remember when you said this' and I didn't remember. So I asked him to remind me and he shut off, saying no that it didn't matter. So all these thoughts of my illness deteriating rushed back into my mind.

(This first thing I ever noticed was memory loss - which is a result of poor concentration).

I screamed. Now, I'm not stupid, I know I shouldn't have but I was frustrated. He took this as me screaming at him but I was screaming at myself because I was terrified I was getting 'bad' again.

He ignored me for the rest of the night and I slept in a different room, cried myself to sleep. Woke up in the morning with no motivation to move, didn't wanna go to work so called in sick.

All I got from him was a 'cop yourself on' and 'this is the person I know, your better than this'.

I tried explaining that I'm depressed and that I'm having a bad day and I can't just snap out of it but it went on deaf ears.

Where do I go from here?

I think you do have to see things from his point of view. It is scary to have an adult scream at you or even just scream. It must have come as a shock that you would become so frustrated at something so minor (to him) as forgetting something. I think preparation and knowledge would help your boyfriend. If you could give him some specfic examples of triggers he needs to know to avoid outbursts.

Otherwise you may have to talk about where you are going. It is difficult when someone has a high level of depression and it can be too much for some people. I know I found it very hard and it was just a housemate I was living with. She gave me tips on how to handle situations but I was constantly living on my nerves for fear of an outburst.

baby and crumble

ok, well as an 'other half' who is involved in a relationship with someone diagnosed with depression (and who has been diagnosed herself with a much milder, 'situational' type depression a few years back), I can only talk about my own experiences as that other half. This may not include what you want to hear, by the way.

Being the partner of someone with depression is scary, frustrating, emotional, and also wonderful (if that makes any sense). It's scary because you have no control over it, because it's like a 3rd person in a relationship. Your relationship is being impacted upon by something you didn't sign up for, in many ways. Things are going to happen that you have no idea or experience with. You don't know if you're going to wake up with the nice girlfriend, the mean girlfriend, or the catatonic girlfriend. That's terrifying.

It's frustrating because of the lack of control, but also because everything is so unpredictable. What will set off your partner one day will be grand the next, and vice versa. It's frustrating because we're told that if your partner has depression, you need to always be there for her, always understand, always be calm, and don't make it worse. "It's the depression, not me". Well that's all well and good, but take your example- you screamed at your boyfriend for asking a question. Ok, that's not your experience, but to him, that's what happened. He gets his head bitten off for actually trying to not freak you out by pushing you to remember what he'd said. He was probably trying to be a nice guy, and you screamed at him. Deep down he probably knows that you weren't screaming at him, but it's very very very difficult to remember that when it's happening, and in the immediate aftermath.

It's frustrating because all of a sudden, our needs are meant to come last. that's really, really difficult. I don't think you can understand how difficult unless you are in that situation.

it#s also frustrating because when you have no motivation, who has to look after the daily tasks? I lived with my partner when she went through a very serious time with her depression. She quit her job, stayed at home all day, while I went to college, kept the house going on my PhD stipend, and came home every evening to her sitting in the exact same spot she'd been in all day, and then I would have to cook dinner, clean up, make sure she ate... It's exhausting and it made me really angry. You know in your heart and soul she can't do much about it, but it's really really irritating.

It's emotional because it feels like you yourself have no-one to talk to. If you have a **** day in work, how can you come home and bitch about your boss when your partner can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning? That just feels petty. Often people don't want others knowing they have depression because of the stigma in Ireland, so they can't tell their parents, their best friends how hard it is. They might have to help disguise it for you. They might have to turn down social activities because of it.

You feel like you're responsible. When you love someone, in your head you should be able to help. You can't- and we know that too, but it's scary and weird and horrible to see the person you love most in the world, sitting there crying, or worse, just staring into space for hours. if you can't help them 'get out of it', you feel responsible. You start to feel really disappointed in yourself. it's a vicious circle.

But it's wonderful because when you get through it, it's amazing. You're stronger as a couple, and really, you do learn not to sweat the little stuff.

But in all honesty, it's easier to say "cop on" as a knee jerk reaction that think all this through and try and explain it to someone who doesn't want to hear that their depression is affecting you too.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but I feel very very strongly about this issue. All of what I said above I have discussed with my partner. Her bad bout that this is mostly based on came about 3 years ago, when my mother was dying and my own life was falling apart. When you push yourself through that, and yet you see someone fall to pieces because they couldn't remember a date (for example) you do start to think... ah, come on. if i can get through watching my mother die in front of me, you can get over this. it's not right, maybe, but it's human.

Just like you need patience, so does your partner. If you can, you need to explain more thoroughly what happens to you in specific, not just printed pages from the net. it's not going to be true for you, not in everything. He needs to understand that if you scream, it's not at him, but you also need to learn other ways of coping with that fear. He needs to be more understanding of your experience, but you need to do the same for him. Tell him if he wants to talk to his best friend, or his Dad or someone about him maybe finding it tough to support you, he can.

if you let your depression have a protected space in your relationship, it will take over. he'll begin by resenting it, but if you're not careful, he'll start resenting you, too. Nobody wants that.

Best of luck.

Novella

Coming from someone who has had quite a struggle with a range of mental illnesses, my advice would be to keep in mind that, "I'm depressed" is not an excuse. It's simply not okay to behave badly towards someone and then fob it off by saying you're ill.

It seems to me that you're not really taking any responsibility for your actions, that you're allowing depression be the excuse for anything you do that isn't really the norm - screaming at your boyfriend, calling in sick to work etc.

Don't get me wrong - I know how hard it can be - but at the end of the day, we all have our crosses to bear. Of course you should be able to expect your boyfriend to be there for you when you're feeling down, but you cannot take your bad mood out on him and shrug it off. Ever. Yes, depression is an illness but you still have to treat people with common courtesy.

What I have tended to do in the past was to write things down. It can be awfully hard to communicate to someone how you're feeling, especially if what you are feeling is just bleak and even talking is draining. Plus when you have another person repeatedly asking, "How are you feeling?", it can get frustrating and can lead to arguments. Maybe write what you feel - even just a line or two whenever things are becoming overwhelming - and allow him to read it. He'll feel that you're letting him in and it's less likely to result in an argument.

Esoteric_

I have to completely agree with Novella. I have some bad mental health issues (depression, PTSD) and I quite often blank out memories, both long term and short term. If something is worrying or scary or traumatic to me, I will not remember it, I will not remember speaking about it, etc. I also get my moods where I want to be left alone and have to struggle really hard to control my moods, even with medication.

Thing is, you can't ALLOW yourself to lash out at your boyfriend and treat him badly just because you're feeling bad. Depression is not an excuse, I'm sorry but it's not. You have to do something to learn to control it. If I'm having a bad day, I tend to tell my boyfriend I'm not feeling good and that I'll need some alone time to myself that night, and that usually calms me down a bit. No matter how depressed I am, I never call in sick to work because sitting around feeling depressed is not going to make anyone feel better, whereas the distraction of work can help a lot of people.

Are you receiving any treatment for your depression? Because it sounds like you haven't learned to control how you react and interact with people when you're having a low period and to be totally honest, I'd have to side with your boyfriend on this one. He shouldn't have to accept you screaming just because you're depressed. You have to do something to learn to control how you react to things when you're feeling bad.

LegacyUser

As someone who dated a girl with depression I found it difficult. She was beautiful, could be warm and the best person in the world one day, the next she could be an absolute demon. And for no apparent reason. It was like being with the human equivalent of nitroglycerin. Im normally a positive person but I found being with her a struggle. She took anti-depressants but refused to talk to a psychotherapist or work on herself and tackle the reasons why she was depressed in the first place, which was very frustrating. I just felt like running for the hills to be honest. I think though in the end it was her unwillingless to tackle the root causes of her depression that was the deal breaker. Her attitude was that this was something she had no control over or couldn't do anything about so she just rolled over and let it rob her of her life.

Sesudra

I have to agree with everything baby and crumble has said - my OH has depression, has been on and off medication and in counselling on and off for the 6 years we've been together. A lot of the things you describe OP - the memory loss for example - are a real problem for him and he gets so frustrated and angry about it , he totally withdraws. And I can't deny that I find the situation upsetting at times -I'm generally a very up and positive person myself, and seeing someone who I adore basically say they hate themselves and they're worthless - its tough. But I know he's worth it, so we get through the hard times together and I give him all the support I can.

At the same time, I expect that he needs to work on his depression himself too, and often times during a bad spell, I'm the one making sure he gets out of bed for work and eats a dinner but sometimes I do have to say "Now come on,you can do this". Its all about taking responsibility-the depression shouldn't define you and shouldn't be used as an excuse for acting out. As other posters have said,you should (a) explain fully to your OH what the depression is like for you, in your own words,not a print out from the internet;and (b) look in counselling, if you haven't already.

At the end of the day,if he loves you, he'll want to be there for you and to help you, depression or no depression

G86

baby and crumble wrote: »

ok, well as an 'other half' who is involved in a relationship with someone diagnosed with depression (and who has been diagnosed herself with a much milder, 'situational' type depression a few years back), I can only talk about my own experiences as that other half. This may not include what you want to hear, by the way.

Being the partner of someone with depression is scary, frustrating, emotional, and also wonderful (if that makes any sense). It's scary because you have no control over it, because it's like a 3rd person in a relationship. Your relationship is being impacted upon by something you didn't sign up for, in many ways. Things are going to happen that you have no idea or experience with. You don't know if you're going to wake up with the nice girlfriend, the mean girlfriend, or the catatonic girlfriend. That's terrifying.

It's frustrating because of the lack of control, but also because everything is so unpredictable. What will set off your partner one day will be grand the next, and vice versa. It's frustrating because we're told that if your partner has depression, you need to always be there for her, always understand, always be calm, and don't make it worse. "It's the depression, not me". Well that's all well and good, but take your example- you screamed at your boyfriend for asking a question. Ok, that's not your experience, but to him, that's what happened. He gets his head bitten off for actually trying to not freak you out by pushing you to remember what he'd said. He was probably trying to be a nice guy, and you screamed at him. Deep down he probably knows that you weren't screaming at him, but it's very very very difficult to remember that when it's happening, and in the immediate aftermath.

It's frustrating because all of a sudden, our needs are meant to come last. that's really, really difficult. I don't think you can understand how difficult unless you are in that situation.

it#s also frustrating because when you have no motivation, who has to look after the daily tasks? I lived with my partner when she went through a very serious time with her depression. She quit her job, stayed at home all day, while I went to college, kept the house going on my PhD stipend, and came home every evening to her sitting in the exact same spot she'd been in all day, and then I would have to cook dinner, clean up, make sure she ate... It's exhausting and it made me really angry. You know in your heart and soul she can't do much about it, but it's really really irritating.

It's emotional because it feels like you yourself have no-one to talk to. If you have a **** day in work, how can you come home and bitch about your boss when your partner can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning? That just feels petty. Often people don't want others knowing they have depression because of the stigma in Ireland, so they can't tell their parents, their best friends how hard it is. They might have to help disguise it for you. They might have to turn down social activities because of it.

You feel like you're responsible. When you love someone, in your head you should be able to help. You can't- and we know that too, but it's scary and weird and horrible to see the person you love most in the world, sitting there crying, or worse, just staring into space for hours. if you can't help them 'get out of it', you feel responsible. You start to feel really disappointed in yourself. it's a vicious circle.

But it's wonderful because when you get through it, it's amazing. You're stronger as a couple, and really, you do learn not to sweat the little stuff.

But in all honesty, it's easier to say "cop on" as a knee jerk reaction that think all this through and try and explain it to someone who doesn't want to hear that their depression is affecting you too.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but I feel very very strongly about this issue. All of what I said above I have discussed with my partner. Her bad bout that this is mostly based on came about 3 years ago, when my mother was dying and my own life was falling apart. When you push yourself through that, and yet you see someone fall to pieces because they couldn't remember a date (for example) you do start to think... ah, come on. if i can get through watching my mother die in front of me, you can get over this. it's not right, maybe, but it's human.

Just like you need patience, so does your partner. If you can, you need to explain more thoroughly what happens to you in specific, not just printed pages from the net. it's not going to be true for you, not in everything. He needs to understand that if you scream, it's not at him, but you also need to learn other ways of coping with that fear. He needs to be more understanding of your experience, but you need to do the same for him. Tell him if he wants to talk to his best friend, or his Dad or someone about him maybe finding it tough to support you, he can.

if you let your depression have a protected space in your relationship, it will take over. he'll begin by resenting it, but if you're not careful, he'll start resenting you, too. Nobody wants that.

Best of luck.

Absolutely amazing post, hits the nail on the head.

One other thing I'd ask OP is, are you seeing a therapist? If so, then it might help to arrange for him to come to one of your sessions. You don't have to discuss anything too personal, but it might help him to understand things a bit more and help him feel a bit more involved. It's very easy to start to feel shut out of someones life when they're suffering from depression and that's when the resentment starts to grow. Just bear in mind, it's a very difficult thing to comprehend for someone who has never suffered from it, and all he can do is try his best.

I'm sure he wants to understand, and he wants to help, but you have to also understand that it takes a very secure person not to think it's about them - and that it's not something they've done wrong to make you feel that way. As much as he needs to reassure you that he's there for you, you need to reassure him that it isn't his fault. And that's extra pressure on you too, can you cope with that? You need to figure that out, because it's very hard to help someone else when you're trying to help yourself too. It won't be easy; relationships are tough enough at times, and something like this added to the mix makes it a million times harder. But it might be worth it.