The girl he has known for years told him she loves him.. and kissed him

LegacyUser

So I'm in love with my boyfriend. We've only known each other for less than a year, but I feel more strongly for him than I ever did for any other man (and I've been in long term relationships before). He says the same about me. When we started going out I noticed that he had a very close female friend. I felt a little bit threatened as he told me he used to love her. They've known each other for a decade. They live near each other (where as my boyfriend and I have ended up in a long distance relationship scenario - we see each other every few weeks and there is an end in sight to the distance) He told me that nothing would ever happen.

At the weekend, she confessed to him that she loved him. And they kissed 'for a second'. He told me about this. He also said that he immediately said to her, not to make him cheat on me and he left. It looks like she only took notice of him when he became 'taken'. I'm annoyed that another human would do this... I feel such a lack of disrespect from her. I was mad at my boyfriend about what had happened. I contemplated breaking up with him.

I have realised that he has chosen me despite the fact that she has told him she loves him. He has told me that when he thought he was going to lose me, it has made him realise just how much he loves me. Him and this girl also spent a long time traveling together before and because of how they were around each other, my boyfriend claims it would never work.

I feel so gutted, but want to make things work. Does anyone have any advice?. I don't want to be the awful girlfriend who makes him give up a friendship, but surely it's not a proper friendship if the girl goes around almost ruining his relationship? thanks

silly

I was in a similar situation to you a few yrs ago but she wasn't a friend, she was an ex who broke his heart...she didn't get as far as kissing him (but would have if she had a chance!)
We are now getting married in 2 weeks - and she is still single, alone and pathetic.

Your boyfriend is being very honest with you which is such a good thing, and he has reassured you saying that he loved you and couldn't be with get etc...

Now, like you said, you can't exactly tell him not to be friends with her anymore and if I were you I would just try and leave it, things could go horribly wrong for you if you try and give him an ultimatum.

If something happens again, then I would make it clear to him that you are not having it, he needs to tell her straight that she can't be like that.

That's my my boyfriend did eventually and it did work... For a while... Eventually I had to take it to extreme measures and ring her myself.. ( I did know the girl since we were in primary school so she wasn't a complete stranger)
Let's hope you don't have to be reduced to what I had to do.

Best of luck.

Elmidena

I was in a near identical situation to this actually. My partner was in love with his best friend's sister who was in a long-term relationship. She had an affair with my partner a couple of times and the boyfriend made them stop talking (carried on phoning him behind partner's back when he was away etc and strung my partner along). She broke my partner's heart repeatedly, stringing him along until they had sex then being really vicious. I was seeing the best friend at the time and fell in love with my partner. I knew he'd held a torch for her for years and I didn't stand a chance. That's what my esteem told me.

She was a spiteful bitch and tried everything to destroy my life and to make him take her, saying she'd end her long term relationship and have his babies etc etc. They'd been friends for a decade and I only knew all involved in the scenario for a couple of months. He turned her down and stayed with me (had broken up with his friend at this stage). She kept digging her claws into him, phoning him, camming and flashing etc and I said it made me uncomfortable. She took one stab at me too many and he willingly broke the friendship off as she wasn't being his friend at all.

A few months later a really bizarre situation unfolded which I'm not getting into but it involved launching a surprise visit on him on my partner's sister's birthday. She was seeing someone else at the time and allegedly kissed my partner on the lips while they were alone together. After a second and he realised "WHOA!" he pulled back (and didn't kiss her back) and told her off. I didn't hear about this for many months (from partner's former best friend) and my partner denied it. He told me last year it was true and he'd said he was scared of losing me over something he didn't want and didn't invite.

I still want to punch the nasty piece of work's lights out if I cross paths with her again (not just for the kiss; a more pressing example is that after she found out my mother died she announced how glad she was after the funeral) but at the end of the day, she got a cheap thrill that turned into humiliation by being rejected by someone she'd toyed with for years. Whether it was because she loved him or hated me I'm not sure....I believe it to be the latter though.

You're not gonna be cool with it the first you hear of it; nobody expects that of you. But that man did tell you so he not only has a pair, but he has the decency to be honest. Give yourself a little headspace and think it over. He told you and walked away from her. You are his future as far as he's concerned. Don't issue an ultimatum, say how uncomfortable their contact makes you feel. I'm sure he feels strongly on the issue; though he has ties with her the line's been crossed now and he won't see her so innocently now. He most likely will want to limit/sever contact himself, but let him come to that choice.

I'm with my partner for 3 1/2 years now

fungun

He also said that he immediately said to her, not to make him cheat on me and he left.

Ho hum, although somewhat commendable, that response to me isnt quite ideal. It says that she has the power to make him cheat.

So although his response to you has been nice, honest etc and he realises how much he loves you - I think he needs to say that to his friend. I think he needs to talk to her, tell her that he has told you about the kiss and that he shouldnt have kissed her at all and he really loves you and would be heartbroken if you left him.

This way he addresses the situation whilst also making her aware that you know about it - otherwise she will always think that she and your bf have this 'little secret' together that his girlfriend is unaware of.

baby and crumble

He had no control over someone else kissing him. Sure anyone could walk up to you anywhere and kiss you, even right in front of him. If you had nothing to do with it, wouldn't you be mad if he got angry with you because of it?

Your frustration needs to be pointed at the friend, not at your bf. he sounds like a nice guy, who told you straight away and is being honest with you. What more could you ask for in a boyfriend?

if you tell him not to see her any more, then he's going to take that as meaning you don't trust him. Since he's being totally honest with you, that'll really annoy him, and rightly so. he's able to control himself, you should be thankful for that, and respect your bf more for telling you and dealing with it all in such a mature, straightforward manner.

To put it crudely, 'you won'. Let the rest of it go.

Kidchameleon

Kissing someone else even "for a second" (or so he says) is a deal breaker. Sorry OP.

Sarn

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Kissing someone else even "for a second" (or so he says) is a deal breaker. Sorry OP.

As pointed out by baby and crumble, someone can take a lunge at someone and successfully land a kiss. I've had a work colleague do the same to me after a few pints. The boyfriend was honest about it.

Kidchameleon

Sarn wrote: »

As pointed out by baby and crumble, someone can take a lunge at someone and successfully land a kiss. I've had a work colleague do the same to me after a few pints. The boyfriend was honest about it.

From what I gather from the OP, it would appear that it was more than just a peck on the lips

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. They have really helped.

I do not condone cheating at all. Generally I believe that any type of cheating is a dumpable offense. Well, I have thought so about past relationships and until now. But situations can be more complex than black/white.

I talked things through with my boyfriend. I didn't give him the silent treatment or leave him hanging on - as tempted as I was. The communication is one of the best things about the relationship. He knows I'm not happy about what happened, but I am being as understanding as possible.

Basically, if things were to progress with this girl, I'd rather know right now than in 5 years time. She lives near him, where as I'm another country. It would have been so easy for him to have picked her.

My boyfriend now says that the book is now completely closed on her - there was a tiny 'what if' lingering for a long time (due to his unrequited love for this girl for so long). He only fully realised how much he loved me when he really thought he was going to lose me.

Today, I was down about the whole situation more than I thought I'd be, but I think things will work out well.

Thanks to all for offering their advice and experiences.

baby and crumble

I am in a long term relationship (8 years) and I'll be 100% honest. If someone lunged at me and kissed me, particularly if it was someone I knew, I doubt I'd pull away fast enough. It'd be a bit of a shock, I know I'd take a second to register what was going on. doesn't mean I'd be kissing back!

Hank_Jones

Honestly think the guy is getting the short stick here.
The girl made a move, he resisted, then told his girlfriend about this and people are picking holes in it.

I honestly think people are too quick to judge on here.

Could understand if the thread related to him cheating on her with this girl,
but to pick holes in the wording of something seems very pernickety to me.

carlybabe1

Fair play to him for telling you OP, he obviously has really deep feelings for you and your relationship is important to him.

On another point, IMO, you shouldnt have to give him an ultimatum about this girl, he should actively avoid her of his own accord.
If he doesnt, then I would simply ask him, without losing the head, how he would feel if the roles were reversed, if it was your male friend who lunged at you, told you he loved you, in a different country etc etc, how would he want you to handle that friendship from now on ??
see where you go from there

LegacyUser

About him having no control over someone kissing him - it has since transpired that it was somewhat more mutual and more like 3 seconds than 1. Even so, he still came to the conclusion he wanted to be with me, not her.

I didn't give him an ultimatum about the girl... tonight on the phone he told me about how earlier this week, she was still upset, so he met up with her for coffee in the morning and because he felt bad about the whole thing with their friendship also, he invited her along for drinks with another friend and his girlfriend. He seems to think that they're now 'ok' and that they're back to being friends again.

I hate the way I am right now about all of this. Usually I'm so confident. I've gone from being a logical, strong person to a crying wreck. I've felt so awful and mean when I told him that 'he's completely clueless'. How can a girl who loves him and is upset over their 'friendship' and the whole situation go back to being friends within such a short time?. It makes me SO mad. I'm trying to stay very calm but I feel that this girl's behavior is unacceptable... and my boyfriend is trying to keep everyone happy and do the right thing, but really, he should have more sense about this.

We were working things through and having great conversations etc, but I feel so awful that due to the distance he has seen more of her than me since the whole incident.

I feel like running away due to my own behaviour. I take pride in being rational, but lately I've just been so changeable due to all of this rubbish.

Also, we're meeting up soon and he suggested going camping for a couple of days with about 6 friends. I got so upset. I thought he should have been trying to find ways of spending time with me alone after all this stuff...

Even though I've forgiven him - or am at least trying very hard to - I feel like he, in someway should do something to really show how much he cares about me - even a letter or something... but it's like he's trying to just move on from it all (which is healthy I suppose). We agreed to write an email each as to why we do love the other person. I sent one to him and I feel like such a tool for doing so afterwards, as he still hasn't finished his.

I hope things can work out, but tonight I can't stop crying about it all.

I am a friend

How was the kiss more mutual than you had been led to believe?

Magicmatilda

It sounds like you are trying to be very mature and rational and not over react and I admire you for that. I would be a bit the same. That said a few things stood out for me in this. Your boyfriend told her "not to make him cheat on you" - how could she make him cheat if he didn't want to, IMO some part of him did want to. Also he was scared to lose you, why?when he had apparently done nothing wrong? She threw herself upon him and he after 3 seconds pushed her away. He told you about it immediately or as soon as possible so why under these circumstances would he be scared to lose you? Especially when you come accross as someone very level headed, maybe he knows you better, are you prone to over reaction? You don't sound it. So in light of that and the fact that it was now more mutual than at first suspected well I would say there is more to this than meets the eye.

After all of this he then goes snd meets the girl, who days before had tried to ruin your relationship, in the morning and brings her out for drinks that night. In what sounds like a cosy foursome situation. Now that there would push me over the edge. That to me is him disrespecting you, your feelings and your relationship. Is her upset more important than yours? You need to be honest with him and explain to him how much this so called friend of his has hurt you in her actions and how much the whole situation has upset you. Let him see that. After all she did and he went running to console her. If after he has been told how upset you are he,is still willing to allow this girl in his life,knowing that she shows no respect for his partner or relationship, well then I would have serious questions.

Sometimes when we are trying to be rational we can ignore what our gut is telling us.

irishgal2012

I agree with magicmatilda, he shouldnt be putting this girl first-you should be his no. 1 priority right now. You need to tell him just how hurt you are!

I had a similar situation a few years back-it didnt go as far as a kiss but it made me crazy...I cannot handle any kind of infidelity and i told my partner this from the start...when this other girl started sniffing around him at first he was clueless to how i felt about it all-and to her feelings, she would be texting and ringing him at all hours with her 'problems' and looking for him to reassure her and make her feel good-things she should have been talking about with her girl friends! Half the time i think she made up problems just to get comforted by him! I could spot a mile off what she was doing but i said nothing for ages until one night i couldnt take it anymore and told him how it made me feel. After that he slowly distanced himself from her and eventually even changed his number-all of his own free will because he wanted to make our relationship work and didnt want me to have any insecurities...and here we are 7 years later, just got married and are now trying for a baby! I have no idea what the other girl is doing now but hope to god she's stopped sniffing around other peoples fellas!!

I really hope this works out for you, but please just open up to your bf about how you feel, i was so glad once i finally told him how i felt!