Trying & failing to get on with it

LegacyUser

I was dumped suddenly and unpleasantly during the Summer.
I was and am still very much in love but I cant let go. I suppose I really thought that we would work things out he would come running back. Every time we have seen each other has been great. The spark, enjoyment and general ease is still there. He says he is not ready for the long term commitment not that I am looking for that right now to be honest. We had both been abroad just back and everything was meant to be straight forward now. He has had alot of stress and strain over personal issues. Sometimes I think he suffers from depression. He was in a very controlling relationship previously and has alot of scars that I am being punished for. I would never hold him back from doing anything etc.

We have so much in common and I thought would have a great future together.

I am really struggling to realise that he may/will be no longer a part of my life. It just kills me to think of it. I really love him and want us to get back together.

I cannot ever imagine being with anyone else.
It is real heartbreak that I never imagined was possible.

Anyone out there with a positive heartbreak recovery story and methods to try and close it off. Even though that is not what I want it is what I have to accept right.....

I am a friend

No contact is the only way you will get over this. There is no point torturing yourself by having good fun and chats with him. He knows you want him back but he has made it clear he doesn't want the same thing.

If you are having sex with him stop...

gmac102

I broke up with my ex bf in june, we didn't agrue but something happened that neither of us would ever be the same again. (no1 else was involved)

I havent spoken to him since then, I miss him but I know I cant go back. He was one of my best friends, but still I know he no longer has a place in my life even tho it hurts alot at times.

Time is a healer.

I would suggest no contact, you cant get over them if they are in your life.

Move on to better things. I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice.
I made all the mistakes. Thought it would all work itself out he would realise what hes missing and be back. He was in contact all the time and so was i. But it was 90% on texts / emails in between meeting up. Really strange dynamic giving we lived together abroad for 6 months. To then go to texting all the time. Nonsense really!
I genuinely do just miss everything about him. He is a great guy just has huge emotional issues really with himself. Its sad to see but I wonder will he ever be happy with life.

Really devastating as i spent the summer convincing myself we would work it out. we were together only last week. im so heartbroken.

But i realise i have to cut the contact. I can never see myself with anyone else either.

How have you been getting on with moving on Gmac?

gmac102

knocked wrote: »

Thanks for advice.
I made all the mistakes. Thought it would all work itself out he would realise what hes missing and be back. He was in contact all the time and so was i. But it was 90% on texts / emails in between meeting up. Really strange dynamic giving we lived together abroad for 6 months. To then go to texting all the time. Nonsense really!
I genuinely do just miss everything about him. He is a great guy just has huge emotional issues really with himself. Its sad to see but I wonder will he ever be happy with life.

Really devastating as i spent the summer convincing myself we would work it out. we were together only last week. im so heartbroken.

But i realise i have to cut the contact. I can never see myself with anyone else either.

How have you been getting on with moving on Gmac?

Its been 3 months now, and altho I miss him at times. I know I did the right thing. The hardest thing for me was not having my good friend anymore. Just last friday evening I missed him and wanted to email him to say HI but I didn't because I know it wont do any good.

You just know when its time to move on, even if you don't want to. At the moment Im enjoying life, going on some dates! Having fun! Life is to short to wait around for someone.

If you need someone to talk to, Im here

Supermummy

Im sorry to hear your heartbroken but the only way you will recover is to stop all communication with him. I know its hard and you think that it would be so nice to stay friends, but you cant stay friends when feelings are involved, best thing is to move on. Keep yourself busy surround yourself with friends and fmaily

Wompa1

I broke up with an ex about 9 months ago now and I'm still hurt over it. It's very difficult to get over somebody you truly loved. It's only in the last 2 or 3 months that I've started thinking about her less.

I still think about it every day but it's usually quickly turned into what a b**ch and how much better I am without her and how funny it will be when she realizes the huge mistake she made and the sh!t life she's going to have with some pathetic loser now...well I can dream Bitter!

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies.

We had done the hard slog of long distance. Then I had moved and now we are both back.
I really thought everything would be simple now as it should be. Life is more straight forward here. I have my own regrets too that maybe i wouldnt have come back if that were the case as id opportunities and a good job etc.

I just really miss him. Seeing him last week totally perked me up and now im in the doldrums again. I have to get it together.

When we see each other he immediately smiles, throws his arms around me and we laugh and chat like we always enjoyed being together. He has alot of his own stresses and strains.

I just dont understand how he can walk away.

I will always wonder what might have been....

gmac102

knocked wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.

We had done the hard slog of long distance. Then I had moved and now we are both back.
I really thought everything would be simple now as it should be. Life is more straight forward here. I have my own regrets too that maybe i wouldnt have come back if that were the case as id opportunities and a good job etc.

I just really miss him. Seeing him last week totally perked me up and now im in the doldrums again. I have to get it together.

When we see each other he immediately smiles, throws his arms around me and we laugh and chat like we always enjoyed being together. He has alot of his own stresses and strains.

I just dont understand how he can walk away.

I will always wonder what might have been....

you wont always wonder, with time it will fade that i can promise

LegacyUser

Oh OP I totally know how you feel. I don't really go in for the whole don't chase them thing, I'd always advocate telling someone the truth and giving them all the information they need to make a decision, within reason obviously.

If there is no hope and it really is time to move on though the no contact advice is a must.
I was in a similar situation recently and things were going ok until I had to start seeing him all the time at work again. It's amazing, it really has put me back a few weeks having him around me. I thought that whole notion of 'let's be friends' could work, purely clinging on to any kind of hope and contact really, but now I know we can't be. Not when one person feels differently to the other.

So don't meet up with him, don't have long drawn out conversations with him on the phone or be texting all day. Neither of you will be moving on and every conversation and every interaction is another thing to fantasize or overanalyse for hidden meanings!

You deserve to move on and meet someone great, so don't do yourself an injustice by holding yourself back for this one.

Now if only I could reallise how sensible all that sounds myself and stop moping!

LegacyUser

Thank you all guys.

I am 35 and I think that I have a very sinking feeling over that part too.
We had so much in common and we really did get on great. But he seems to be done with it all and I realise now I was a bit of an agony aunt for him when he needed me when times were hard for him. Its horrible to be cast aside I guess when I am still so in love with him.

There have been a few lapses on his side where he will say maybe in time, or you are good to lose i just need time etc.

But its been a Summer of hell to be honest between everything and I am nearly regretting coming home and leaving a good job.

I am just soft and weak for him and I will listen when things go wrong for him and hes worried etc. I seriously need to get a grip. I suppose my confidence is shattered after it all.

LegacyUser

Has anyone read Its called a Break up because its broken? It recommends 30 day no contact rule and then going to 60 days. That seems like it might as well be 5 years for me!

gmac102

knocked wrote: »

Has anyone read Its called a Break up because its broken? It recommends 30 day no contact rule and then going to 60 days. That seems like it might as well be 5 years for me!

yeah i have good auld greg, i found it somewhat helpful my frnd bought if for me after my break up!

take one day of no contact at a time and go from there sometimes long periods of time can be daunting

LegacyUser

Yes Sunflower you could have a point. I am often a bit of a crutch. I would have done anything for him. I was always so supportive and encouraging and always believed in him. Even when he didnt in himself. I feel like I was a bit of an agony aunt in ways. The reliable one. He says he needs to mature and find his way now etc. He lost his job a few years ago had to go abroad. I followed. Now both of us are back and everything should finally be easy by way of circumstance.
Kinda wonder now will he ever be happy.

LegacyUser

In fairness he never got down about us. Mostly it was money worries to be honest. He always went to work. I suppose when things werent going right yeah I would be there for him and I would listen and pick him up and get him goin again. He is very bright sporty outgoing and popular. He is a really great guy. He just has to get it together for himself now I suppose.
But since we split its worse he seems to be to be honest.

I really just want to start feeling better in myself. I want to be happy again. I was always very happy go lucky. We were so looking forward to coming home together then he goes and throws this wobbler.

I still worry about him and want to make everything ok for him. Even over the Summer he was finding it hard to resettle and I was still trying to cheer him up.

I guess I just cant....

LegacyUser

Firstly can I say I am so so sorry for you. I have been in a very, very similar situation and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There are much more horrible things happening in the world - but a situation like this can turn your whole world upside down.

I know you don't believe it but you will get better, not without a bit of hard work though. Don't contact him. He has made his decision. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship - but you said it happened in a bad way, how dare he do this to you. Would you ever do something like this to someone you loved? I doubt it. Do you want children? If so, imagine he left them like this. This is what he was capable of. Could you ever trust him again?

Even if you were to get back together, would it ever be the same again? There is usually a before and after an experience like this, and it is almost impossible to get back to the before.

I really advise you to go to see a counsellor and embark on some self improvement - gently first, you need a period of grieving to just feel every emotion that you are going through. Keep a journal and pour it all out when you are filled with hurt - hard to do when all you want to do is lie there but it really helps.

You don't have to be mad to see a counsellor - lots of people do, and it is a really good way to organise your thoughts and clear up any other issues you might have in your life. Trust me it will make this whole experience easier and is worth the investment. It is a really good time to do it - you are not thinking straight right now and another person will help you put it in perspective (if you do go make sure it is a reputable counsellor from the PSI website).

Also, let out some anger through punching a pillow or taking up boxing, often times the immense hurt that we feel is partially bottled up anger, you should be angry at him and you are just feeling hurt, so perhaps forcing some anger out will help ease the hurt. You will feel like a crazy person doing it but you are likely to feel better after.

Go easy on yourself. Remember that the right person for you would never do this to you - no matter what difficult personal situation they had going on. If anything, that would make them closer to their partner, in a healthy relationship you help each other through the tough times.

The other poster is right about attracting a certain type of person - we all do it - and a counsellor can help you identify why so you dont make mistakes in the future. And there will be a future - it might not feel like it now, while you are obsessing and living in the past, but one day, very gradually, you will start to move into the future and you will feel alive again. I honestly thought it would never happen, I waited and waited and waited, felt nothing but misery and obsession, but low and behold I am right again now and time really has come through for me! There are some great, great men out there, ones that don't want to walk away, ones that will treat you as equal and you don't have to mother. But you are not going to find them until you are happy in yourself completely, which will take alot of work, but it can and will happen.

Chin up.

LegacyUser

Thanks again so much.

I am actually an extremely active person involved in alot of sport training etc. None of that has suffered. I am still relatively outgoing.
I am just sad really over all of this. I am getting on with life and all the great people I have in my life I am truly thankful for.

I just miss him. It sucks cos my feelings for him havent changed. I wish they would.

When we see each other it is so normal and so good. But then he needs his own time etc etc.

I am going to start with cutting the contact. Maybe take a little break away. And just totally refocus.

I guess the problem for the last few months is that I had myself convinced we would sort it out.

Now the reality is biting and I have to accept it.

Thank you all.

Mighty_Mouse

It may help to put your cards on the table.
Tell him how you feel and explain that you cannot continue to live in limbo.
For this reason, you have decided that unless he is willing to try again, contact should be greatly reduced from this point forward.
For yourself this will require dicipline. Jot down his number somewhere & delete it from your phone. Cut ties to his social circle whereby you hear his movements. You need to re-find your own independence.

Personally, I just became more philosophical about things. Nothing last forever in life.
Some of the purest experiences only last for short periods. Saviour the fact that you had the experience in the 1st place. It gave you a more enlightened understanding of what happiness is but also learn the lessons. It's not just a great guy you require, you also need someone with the emotional stability & maturity to commit to you.

visual

When its over then thats where it should be....
Its hard and I know what rejection feels like when you are madly in love with someone who clearly doest love you.
There is no real advise other than live your life and try to be happy without your ex.... forse your self at first but over time it will become easier...

Its best to reduce or even cut out all contact and remember a ex is a ex for a very good reason