difficult situation with my family

LegacyUser

HI everyone,

Going unreg for this as I'm really afraid those who are involved in this might recognise me...

Basically this has been going on for a very long time, and I've toyed with the idea of posting here for advice before and then just convinced myself things would be ok and went on with life ignorantly instead. But now things have reached a peak and I feel I just have to address the situtation no matter how much pain and hurt it will cause.

Basic background is that I'm very close with my mum, to the point where I just can't handle others taking advantage of her etc. also very close with my siblings.... parents seperated not very long ago and it is a very messy situation. There is a lot of pain and anger over my father's behaviour during this seperation and I haven't spoken to him in about 2 years. Some of my siblings are the same. Although my eldest brother has a different opinion on my father and at first I found this very difficult to understand because he had hurt me so much I couldn't understand why my brother would want to be in touch with him.

I ended up having a massive fight with my brother about a year ago over this and this would have been the first real fight I've ever had with him really. During this fight I realised that he has a whole different side to him that I wasn't aware of before and really does play very dirty and to be honest it would never have been resolved if I hadn't got in touch with him in the end and forced a reconciliation. I agree now that he has an entitlement to be in touch with my father no matter how hurt I feel. And he knows that I understand this now and that at the time everything was just so raw to me that I couldn't see past that pain. Now I have some perspective on the matter.

Anyway thats just a bit of background info the real problem is that my mum has never really worked before as she was always a housewife. She was married for a very long time and this is all she knows. She was the one who had to move out of the family home and so now she has to pay rent in a house. I know she will get something eventually out of my father and the family home but to be honest he is making things very difficult with the seperation and its going to be a very long time before things are officially legally settled and by then we feel like there won't be much to be got out of the family home anyway.

So at the moment she doesn't have much financial security and it kills me to see how worried and stressed she has become because of it. Shes had a tough life and now all I want is for her to be happy but unfortunately its like shes worse off than ever before because of this. She feels like shes in limbo because shes just waiting for this official seperation/divorce which could take years. In the mean time she has no real qualifications (didn't complete her leaving cert) and no work experience.

She gets a small amount from social welfare and a small amount of rent allowance and maintenance from my father but it really isn't enough. She also minds my nephew who she absolutely adores and who I love like a little brother. The trouble is, my brother and his wife in my opinion take advantage of my mother minding my nephew. Before the seperation my mum minded him for free. However, when my mother moved we all had to have a family meeting to get my brother to see that he needed to start paying my mum for this childcare. He agreed that this was necessary and said he would set up a direct debit.

Now this is about a year and a half ago and he never set this dd up. instead he transferred money into her account and it got to a stage where he would do it some weeks but often would skip weeks. This meant that my mum has had to go to him many times and she feels like shes begging him for money which is killing her. He always says he has money issues but this angers me because we all have money issues at this stage and to the rest of us they are very unwise with their money and seem to throw it away on ridiculous things. They both have a car each and both commute to Cork to work (about an hour away) yet they will take both cars (waste of petrol). They give their eldest child money carelessly to spend on whatever he wants. Go on holidays etc.

I know these are all personal choices and its none of my business how they spend their money, but it angers me because they wont pay my mum on time because they say that they haven't got the money.

I am getting really emotional about this situation and I'm starting to think that I really need an unbiased objective view from the outside to tell me how it really is. I feel like I'm too close to the situation to decide what to do next.

This has been a bit of a rant because I'm so upset as I've just had an arguement with my mum about it as I want to intervene and speak to my brother about this, but she keeps telling me to give him one more week etc.

I'll just fill you in on how it is right now:

All through the summer he paid her very little as they were all away on holidays for much of it. Then when they came back my mum only had my newphew sporadically as he was busy with camps and friends etc. Basically throughout the holidays my mum got very little and she kept telling me to not say anything to him because she thought when school started back things would be okay. However, now my newphew is back in school and back to my mum every day for the last few weeks now. My mum received no money last week and this week she rang my brother asking him about it and he told her he couldn't give her the full amount but that he could give her a small amount and she had to call to their house to get it in cash.

My mum feels like she is having to grovel to them for this money, she feels like she has to keep having these horrible converstations with them. She keeps telling them how stuck for cash she is as she has her own teenage daughter who has just started back at school etc. too! All she wants is a direct debit set up so that she can feel secure and be able to rely on this income every week. Right now she is always worrying about money because she can't rely on my brother and his wife.

I feel that he does this because he knows he can get away with it, and so I feel like I should intervene. I don't want to because I know he fights very dirty and my mum and I really don't want another big feud in the family. But it annoys me that he should get away with this just because we are afraid to fight with him.
My mum is mad about my nephew and she is also afraid that they will start putting him in creche or something instead as she would be heartbroken if she couldn't mind him every day. She says he keeps her going when things get tough.

I hope somebody here can give me a straight objective view on this matter as at this stage I really don't know whos right and whos wrong and maybe I'm too close and emotional all I know is that its killing me to see my mum who has devoted her whole life to us be forced to feel this way.


An emotional Sarah.

tinkerbell

OP, your mother needs to stand up for herself. She is never going to get money out of your selfish brother if she keeps letting him and his wife walk all over her.

In fact, I would suggest that she tells them that she will not mind the child unless she is paid upfront every week. Your mother needs income, she can't just mind this child without getting remunerated for it. If they put the child in a creche, they'd be paying way more anyway.

Seriously, this is all the advice I can give - your brother is treating his mother like crap tbh and he doesn't give a damn about her if he's using her like this. So you talk to your mother, tell her that the only way to sort this out is that payments are paid upfront in advance. If they pay her - she will mind the child. If not, she will not mind the child. I'd actually suggest monthly in advance as creches do monthly payments (right?) and at least then she's got security month by month rather than week by week.

Good luck.

Curry Addict

OP im sure your mother needs some TLC and deserves it. you have a very judgemental view of your brother and you have given him a hard time in the past and continue to do so. you dont know his perspective as his relationship with your parents is different to yours, hes also male so instinctively has a different slant to things.
your view of your mother seems idealic. your parents relationship and how it developed is only partially known to you.
your brother may be no angel but its ok to ask parents the odd time to look after the kids without an obligation to pay them. your mother may feel slightly embarrassed about it too but if she feels she is doing to much then she really should look at other ways of making money. its a foggy area and maybe your emotions are clouding your views and your judging those around u a little too harsh.
family situations like this really benefit when family members lighten situations and inject positive energy into their communication and actions. Im sure your family are all good people, do their best, go a little off track at times. so why not be a positive uniting force and help the family move on.

Kimia

I dont know how old you are Sarah but you are way too involved in this mess. Either way, your mother is the parent in this situation and should not be unloading all her pressures on you. You are not there to fix her situation or intervene because she is too passive to stand up for herself. What you don't want happening is she unloads on you, you get mad, you give out to your brother and then she gives out to you for causing a row.

Tell your mother that you are there for her but she needs to stand up for herself. I don't understand why she moved out of the family home when she has as much right to it as your father. She needs to get some legal advise and you need to let her at it.

Little Miss Lady

Curry Addict wrote: »

OP im sure your mother needs some TLC and deserves it. you have a very judgemental view of your brother and you have given him a hard time in the past and continue to do so. you dont know his perspective as his relationship with your parents is different to yours, hes also male so instinctively has a different slant to things.
your view of your mother seems idealic. your parents relationship and how it developed is only partially known to you.
your brother may be no angel but its ok to ask parents the odd time to look after the kids without an obligation to pay them. your mother may feel slightly embarrassed about it too but if she feels she is doing to much then she really should look at other ways of making money. its a foggy area and maybe your emotions are clouding your views and your judging those around u a little too harsh.
family situations like this really benefit when family members lighten situations and inject positive energy into their communication and actions. Im sure your family are all good people, do their best, go a little off track at times. so why not be a positive uniting force and help the family move on.

I think your reply here is a bit harsh.
The Op is annoyed at her brother taking advantage of her mother with the baby sitting.
regardless of the OPs opinion of her brother or what issues she's had with him in the past, from the Op's post it looks very clear that he's taking the p*ss..

Op unfortunately all you can do is be there for your Mother and advise her as best you can if she comes looking to you for help.
It's a shame that your brother is so unreliable with the money and taking clear advantage but it's up to your Mother and only her to say this to him.
Perhaps help your Mother by seeing is there any assertiveness courses on for free around your area and also see if your local council have any courses that would perhaps enable your mother to get a job.
I hope this works out well for you as I can totally understand it's a terrible position to be in.
Take care.

username123

OP - youre way too involved. I understand you want to support your mother and thats fine, but you have to accept that she is an adult capable of making her own decisions and if someone is taking advantage of her then she needs to put her own foot down and deal with it - you cant put her foot down for her nor can you put your own foot down on her behalf.

I would advise your mother to simply refuse to mind your brothers child unless she is paid for the week upfront. Simple as. If there is an issue with this, as in your brother does not pay upfront, then your mum needs to stop minding the child completely - I can assure you your brother will be crawling back for her to mind the child when he finds out the cost of childcare from a non relative!!

But one way or the other - you cant be involved. This is your mothers relationship with her own son. Its not your business. And to that end Id give your mother the above advice and then ask her not to discuss the whole grovelly feelings thing with you as its not really appropriate for her to talk about one of her children to the other like this and it will drive a wedge between you and your brother (which is already happening as you are quite judgemental about how he lives his life and spends his money - would you feel this way if there was no friction about money between him and your mum?).

Neyite

In a family of several people, there will usually be at least one that is a bit of a freeloader. But, OP while I totally see where you are coming from, this agreement is between your mother and your brother, and it is up to her to say something - she does not want to lose access to her grandson over it and you have to respect that.

If you really have to intervene, I would suggest that it comes from your older siblings or all of you as a group to your brother. It should not come from just you as you will be hung out to dry over it.

I hope you find a resolution, its a very sad state of affairs.

jimmycrackcorm

The mother should tell the son that she will be unable to mind his child because she will have to mind other children instead as she needs to earn some money. She needs to be firm about this so that the son will cop on.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know your emotional and the change in your family is whats having such ripple effects everywhere so i hope i don't hurt you any further. I think in any relationship its 50 - 50, meaning that even though your Dad has done what he has done your mother is not without responsibility here. I see it a lot where the mother gets looked at like a victim, but she chose her husband and there are ways and means and resources today to get help and support and get out if your not happy and clearly they were both not happy for it to end in divorce.

I think your mother might be old school and she prob deserves to retire now after being a full time mam all her life, but these times are also opportunities for fresh starts for her to have her freedom to be an individual that she never was. I think she is finding it hard to cope and she is leaning on all of you, where she has almost replaced you all with the fathers role. This is a bit unfair i feel, as you all have lives as well. Your brother is only a brother as well to ask for a direct debit i think is trying to put him in place as your mothers bread winner and in the father role, i think its unfair as he has a family as well and thats a lot of pressure to ask of him.

If your mother is getting comfort from your nephew then is there a bit of tug of war going on where your brother can't really win, if he takes his son away then your mother will be needy of him and if he gives her his son then she wants money and makes him feel guilty. Its a dynamic i think is more unfair on your brother I'm afraid to say. Your mum needs to try stand on her own two feet and i think you need to try be more objective to the whole situation and regarding your Dad, because it looks like you have taken your mothers side and where thats out of love for your mother you don't then have an objective view.

Its very easy to say Mam good - Dad bad, to make sense of it, but as i said earlier relationships are 50 - 50, and your mother always had choices and was an adult. Your heart goes out to her because she is in a tough place but to really help her you need to get her to embrace her life and take responsibility for herself and her relationship and how it ended, she could go to a therapist and work it through rather than get her children involved. If your mother was in a strong place you would not feel so sorry for her, i don't like to see it in anyone but this is your mothers lesson in life to dig deep and get herself into a strong position. She does have responsibility as i was saying earlier and because she ignored herself for so many years she has to now learn how to look after her, rather then using her family as an excuse to avoid herself, i think thats her biggest issue now is being with herself, she may be creating chaos around her to feel needed this is such a big change for her and of course you have compassion but its her cross to bare and you have to try and look after yourself too and not feel responsible for her, believe me in the long run it will back fire, you will become a crutch for her, loving her is being strong to let her fall down so she can pick herself up, be careful you dont catch her too often because she might miss the learning if you get me.

I wish you and your mum all the best, i hope the years pan out for you all,


All the best.

LittleBook

It appears to me your brother is manipulating your mother and there's nothing you can do about that, only she can change that situation. You can support your mother but she has to learn to stand up for herself. I'm sure she's reeling from the changes in her life over the past couple of years, but now is the time for her to find her strength and rather than sympathising with her I'd be more focused on encouraging her and bolstering her self-confidence.

emotionalsarah wrote: »

the real problem is that my mum has never really worked before as she was always a housewife. She was married for a very long time and this is all she knows ... So at the moment she doesn't have much financial security and it kills me to see how worried and stressed she has become because of it. Shes had a tough life and now all I want is for her to be happy but unfortunately its like shes worse off than ever before because of this. She feels like shes in limbo because shes just waiting for this official seperation/divorce which could take years. In the mean time she has no real qualifications (didn't complete her leaving cert) and no work experience

From a purely financial point of view, your mother needs to look into ways of getting more money.

The first thing I would do is get a good solicitor and make SURE that I was being treated fairly in the ongoing separation and eventual divorce. Your mother left the family home with a teenage daughter. Is your father taking care of any children in the family home? This all strikes me as a bit odd but I can understand that we maybe don't have all the details as you need to retain some anonymity.

The second thing is to find a "reliable source of income". Your brother is not this source so your mother needs to look elsewhere. Would she consider taking another child after school? Another two? She may appear to have no qualifications but years spent raising children and running a household, plus her current experience as a childminder for your nephew could stand her in good stead. I believe she can care for up to 3 children in her own home.

Your mother will continue to mind your nephew whether your brother pays her or not, I wouldn't judge her at all for that and I'm afraid you can't either, that's between your mother and your brother and you arguing with her about it will only put an unnecessary strain on your own relationship.

You're very good to support your mother so well but she needs to learn how to take care of herself.