Shafted?

LegacyUser

I met a girl, similar age from a different country. We met while travelling and really hit it off. Spent 24/7 together for a few Months and then unfortunatly our paths divided all of a sudden.

Basically I work in a very well coveted job getting paid to see the World. I decided recently to leave it to go be with this girl......We agreed a plan of action in that I would leave in 2 Months time (Amount of notice required by my employer) and I would come to live with her / give it a go etc...

In the mean time she came to see me for a few of weeks before I go back to work for the 2 months...both of us really looking forward to it. So she comes over, we have a good time but then a few pretty bad arguments about the future and "us". In the space of a few days we went from talking about a Defacto visa to her not thinking we are right anymore and her having doubts. She has been so negative about everything relating to me and our future over the last week that it left me completely 100% depressed.

FYI we agreed for future plans that I would follow her everywhere , including to her home country to live if thats what she wanted (which it was).

I feel so shafted now having handed in my notice and no way of retaining the job. More so I feel shafted that she had me make all this commitment and now acts as though I dont matter anymore.

Completely depressed, Any thoughts?

Ps Ive told her how i feel , didnt change anything!

Kimia

I think you were absolutely insane to give up a job that you loved and was successful at for a girl you knew for a couple of months.

At the end of the day you've learned a valuable lesson - don't give up your whole life for someone you barely know. You've told her how you feel and she's not changing her mind so forget about her and focus on getting your life back on track.

Elmidena

Have you spoken to your boss about maybe retracting your resignation? You never know, if he hasn't found someone already then that saves them the hassle of doing background checks on people etc when they already know that you're a competent worker.

She might just have cold feet because suddenly it's THERE and the "some day" is getting closer. Has she told you how she feels, or just hinted at it? Something like that must be difficult to talk about properly with all the consequences it involves. If the months went so well together, it might be nervousness that it might not work so well again. It might be that the honeymoon period's over. It might be fear of growing up and that's the start of settled life. Try not to get too depressed though OP, you never know what the future might bring and even in terms of employment, this might be a blessing in disguise for something else that comes along

Zen65

Sunshine! wrote: »

Have you spoken to your boss about maybe retracting your resignation? You never know, if he hasn't found someone already then that saves them the hassle of doing background checks on people etc when they already know that you're a competent worker.

+1 to this.

That job was a treasure, and I would suggest that trying to retain it would be more important than trying to get back with her. Lesson learned: life isn't a movie; don't change too quickly for somebody you don't know that well.

Be at peace,


Z

BattleCorp

As above, speak to your boss and see if you can take back your notice. It might suit your boss to keep you in the role.

LegacyUser

Points taken, Thanks. I feel like an idiot for handing in my notice youre dead right on that account.

Spoke with the Company 2 days ago and theyve filled the position so no going back or getting back in either ...ffs

Anyway Ive completely hit rock bottom at this stage, My whole life has turned upside down and yeah I know it'll somehow get back on track but jesus do I feel so F'd over by this girl. Shes totally and utterly torn every shred of confidence out of me these past few days, I'm a clever lad but at the moment not clever enough to feel completely worthless...I put this all down to her doing.

Neyite

funtimesnot wrote: »

...I put this all down to her doing.

You need to be honest with yourself here. You chose to give up your life entirely, to put all your eggs in one basket. You were the one that quit the job,not her. From the sounds of it you were only too happy to follow her to the ends of the earth, giving up everything in your life. That was you that shafted yourself, not her.

Thats a big burden for the other person to know that someone gave up everything for you. Its a big responsibility to be the entire source of happiness for another person, and a guaranteed comment thrown back in the face in the next big argument :"I gave up everything for you..."

You got caught up in the romance and excitement of it all, so did she, but then came to her senses, that its too much too soon. It would have been far worse if you did move to the country she lives in only for it to be the beginning of the end.

All and every relationship is temporary - even the ones that last till death do you part, its still a parting, just involuntary. Thats why we will always need our own lives. Lovers should compliment and enhance our already happy lives, they should not be our entire lives.

Elmidena

If it helps, when I got with my OH years ago, he had a fantastic, amazingly paid job in a top Irish college where he'd worked for years. He got sacked for being negligent in his job for getting caught texting me or showing up late a few times in the first couple of months that we were together. He was on a shocking salary and his parents had worked there for years at different times, so it was quite the family tradition.

He told me and everyone else he'd resigned. It was only last year that he told me the truth because he'd sacrificed everything for me and didn't want to put me off or feel guilty. Nobody else knows (aside from Boards now :pac:) I did feel horrible when I found out, but if I'd found out at the time I think I would've stopped seeing him out of guilt and in the hopes he could get his job back. I think this is what she feels.

Though you resent her, keep your opinions to yourself for now. It's likely not making anything better for anyone and I'm assuming you don't want to lose your job AND your girlfriend. If it doesn't work out so be it, but don't blame her for all of your misfortunes. You never know what the future'll bring as I said before, you could end up somewhere better off

Chinafoot

funtimesnot wrote: »

I put this all down to her doing.

In the nicest possible way OP, grow up.

She didn't force you to quit your job and she didn't force you to plan to "follow her everywhere". You made that decision and if you're completely honest with yourself, such intensity is probably what caused her to pull back from things. The fact that her pulling back from such insanity - and I'm sorry but after a few months of travelling your plans to quit your job and follow her to the ends of the earth were insanity - left you "100% depressed" just confirms for me that you are waaay too intense and rather immature.

I'd suggest you read and re-read Neyite's post until every word of it sinks in.

WhatWillBee

Sheesh, bit harsh people!

In all fairness, he met a girl, got caught up in the whirlwind (who hasn't!) and decided to make the leap of faith. Yes it was his leap to take, but he did it on the promise that this girl felt a certain way about him and would be there when he changed his life for her.

She moved the goalposts on him so it's understandable that he feels a bit shafted.

Now OP, ok, you've been burned, you made a decision and now in hindsight it turns out to be a mistake. If I was you I'd be counting your lucky stars you found this out now rather than after you moved!

It's time to get pro-active, you say you talked to your company and there's no way to get your old job back, ok nothing you can do about that. You should explain to your former boss that your plans fell through and you are now stuck and if he/she knows of any positions going you would really appreciate them sending it your way. Start the job hunt again, and try to stay positive. Also, I'd still keep moving on the cards. I moved abroad on my own before and it was one of the best things I ever did.

You trusted someone you loved, it may not work out but it's never a mistake. Onwards and upwards! x

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies & I accept all the advice!

I know I was stupid to leave the job. At the time I spent weeks considering handing in my notice but kept coming back to the same conclusion that I felt so strongly (and still do) about the girl I wanted to give it a shot. If I didnt hand in my resignation I would not have seen her for another year or maybe never again......I wasnt willing to risk that, I wanted to settle. She wanted to settle too. She wanted me to come back to her home Country with her to live. she wanted her own kids only 4 days ago and asked me if thats what I wanted.

I feel like an idiot but at the same time I gave myself a valid excuse. I couldnt spend the rest of my life aspiring in my dream job when it was the one thing stopping me from having a meaningful relationship with anyone. I've lived & worked in a settled manner in several countries but doing the job I have been doing, I am constantly on the move oe place to the next, people come and go all the time....it becomes tiresome never mind the fact that it means I can never pursue a relationship with someone....even if I fall for them? Yes Life is not a movie but thats not why I went after what I wanted, I left my job because I saw a future with this beautiful girl.

Distorted

funtimesnot wrote: »

FYI we agreed for future plans that I would follow her everywhere , including to her home country to live if thats what she wanted (which it was).

I feel so shafted now having handed in my notice and no way of retaining the job. More so I feel shafted that she had me make all this commitment and now acts as though I dont matter anymore.

So she met an independent guy with a good job, stable and secure future, and then you turn into an unemployed homeless guy dependent on her? (sorry for the exaggeration but its to drive home the difference). Its like you've became a totally different person to the one she'd fallen for. And to be honest OP, its not very manly behaviour. Guys who behave like that can freak women out - what if you get stuck with having to support him for ever more, on the basis that he "gave up everything for you?"

I'm not sure I like this putting of all the responsibility and blame onto her for your own decisions. Even if she did encourage you, I'm sure she didn't brainwash you to do her bidding, and if she did, why did you let her?

Couldn't you just have returned to your fabulous job (bearing in mind you had already been travelling) and looked for another job and place to live in her country while working?