Boyfriend gone off sex.

I Eat Pandas

Hi everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we moved in together just over a year ago. He's 28 and there is a 9 year difference between us. Recently I've noticed that he's gone off sex. We used to have sex a few times a week, but right now I'm lucky if we do it once a month. I've tried talking to him about it on numerous ocassions, but he gives me different reasons every time. We had a conversation yesterday and he said he doesnt know, the only reason he can think of is where we live. He said that since we moved in here he became really lazy, gained weight and is not up for doing anything. He said he's just not in the mood for sex, altough I see he watches porn sometimes, registered to a sex dating site, and asked me for a bj yesterday?! He registered to two sites, but I saw that he never really checks it, as he hasnt read any messages sent to him by other girls yet. He doesnt have a picture there either and his age is a few years older. Should I be worried about this though? Everytime I try to initiate sex, he physically turns me down and tells me to relax. I'm not bad looking and certainly not fat. He compliments me all the time, I don't moan at him and I don't just sit at home being grumpy, I'm quite busy and active. I don't really think the problem is in me. What do you think is the real reason of why my boyfriend has gone off sex? Is there anything I can do to help him? The lack of physical intimacy is driving me nuts, I feel like he is more of a friend/brother to me than a man! :mad:

dixiefly

Is he in a general rut? How is his job going? Stress could be a factor.

you mention an age difference. Is it him that is older? If that is the case you have been with him since you were 16 and this relationship does not sound like where you should be at the moment.

A0

I Eat Pandas wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we moved in together just over a year ago. He's 28 and there is a 9 year difference between us. Recently I've noticed that he's gone off sex. We used to have sex a few times a week, but right now I'm lucky if we do it once a month. I've tried talking to him about it on numerous ocassions, but he gives me different reasons every time. We had a conversation yesterday and he said he doesnt know, the only reason he can think of is where we live. He said that since we moved in here he became really lazy, gained weight and is not up for doing anything. He said he's just not in the mood for sex, altough I see he watches porn sometimes, registered to a sex dating site, and asked me for a bj yesterday?! He registered to two sites, but I saw that he never really checks it, as he hasnt read any messages sent to him by other girls yet. He doesnt have a picture there either and his age is a few years older. Should I be worried about this though? Everytime I try to initiate sex, he physically turns me down and tells me to relax. I'm not bad looking and certainly not fat. He compliments me all the time, I don't moan at him and I don't just sit at home being grumpy, I'm quite busy and active. I don't really think the problem is in me. What do you think is the real reason of why my boyfriend has gone off sex? Is there anything I can do to help him? The lack of physical intimacy is driving me nuts, I feel like he is more of a friend/brother to me than a man! :mad:

A bit of regular exercise (gym, running, etc.) should do the job, as the less you do, the less you want to do. If he becomes more active, he should become more enthusiastic and willing to do things with you (not only sex but also going out, cinema, etc.) which may help in going back to a "normal" sex drive. Something that strikes me is that you find normal he's registered to sex dating sites... If I was in a relationship and my partner would register to a dating site it'd be "bye-bye", the door is open... I don't think it's a good idea to have him on these sites to solve the problem.

I Eat Pandas

dixiefly wrote: »

Is he in a general rut? How is his job going? Stress could be a factor.

you mention an age difference. Is it him that is older? If that is the case you have been with him since you were 16 and this relationship does not sound like where you should be at the moment.

He is older than me. And there is no stress in his work as far as I know. There was a while ago, but then we were still having sex. I have thought about every single reason why, and I still cant figure it out. I have turned to this forum as a last resort.

I Eat Pandas

A0 wrote: »

A bit of regular exercise (gym, running, etc.) should do the job, as the less you do, the less you want to do. If he becomes more active, he should become more enthusiastic and willing to do things with you (not only sex but also going out, cinema, etc.) which may help in going back to a "normal" sex drive. Something that strikes me is that you find normal he's registered to sex dating sites... If I was in a relationship and my partner would register to a dating site it'd be "bye-bye", the door is open... I don't think it's a good idea to have him on these sites to solve the problem.

Do you think I should talk to him about those sites? I was furious when I found out, but since he wasnt sending any messages to anyone I felt a bit relieved and decided its not worth causing an argument over this.

I Eat Pandas

Ugh, I feel like I just want to shake him and tell him to pull himself together, whatever the reason is!

Priori

I Eat Pandas wrote:

He registered to two sites, but I saw that he never really checks it, as he hasnt read any messages sent to him by other girls yet. He doesnt have a picture there either and his age is a few years older. Should I be worried about this though?

Signing up to dating sites while in a relationship? And is he aware that you know about this? I would say yes, it is a cause for worry.

I Eat Pandas

Priori wrote: »

Signing up to dating sites while in a relationship? And is he aware that you know about this? I would say yes, it is a cause for worry.

I just asked him about the sites, he said he was just curious and asked me why I didnt tell him as soon as I found out, I knew this for about a month. He laughed and told me that he loves me very much, pfft.

Firetrap

Why else would he sign up for a sex dating site other than because he wants to have sex with other women I'm guessing you're afraid to tackle this because you're afraid of the answer you'll get.

I Eat Pandas

I dont know. I honestly believe he was just curious. Normally, I'd go completely crazy and tell him about it straight away, but I didn't. Maybe he was just curious, I dont know. I asked him about it, he told me he was curious. If he does talk to someone then I will address it again. Anyway, we did it today! It was like the sex we use to have when we first met, only much better! It's something I know he wont forget for a while, so it might motivate him to do it more often. Time will show. :rolleyes:

Karen8

I Eat Pandas wrote: »

Maybe he was just curious, I dont know. I asked him about it, he told me he was curious.

I don't wonna sound harsh, but don't you think he's just saying what you wonna hear?

ontheditch2

First of all, he was 25 and you were 16 when ye started seeing each other, personally i think that is wrong, but i am not going to judge any more on that.

I had something similar a few years ago with my ex, just started going off sex, and didn't do it much, maybe once a week. i just lost appetite, i think i fell out of love with her and we ended up breaking up not long after. Sit down and have a proper conversation, see what he is thinking.

On the issue of dating sites, i would never ever think of signing up to them if i had a GF, they are for single people or cheaters. Not for someone in a 3 year relationship.

Hope it works out for you.

Elmidena

Maybe he signed up to them to try and see would anyone be interested in him to spark a touch of libido. I don't advocate it by any means, but he put an age down as older and didn't message, looks like he wanted to work out what was "wrong" with him rather than hook up with anyone. If he has any friends on it, I'd see if any are local.

Has he been to his GP? It could be one of any number of things. If he can't get hard he's most likely not going to want to talk about it. Even in this day and age men don't like admitting they can't satisfy themselves or a partner! But it could be down to an underlying health issue.

He's gained weight and probably feels unattractive. You're young and have a sex drive; he's had many years more experience and tbh sex probably isn't do or die to him as it's not something new or exciting. Badgering him about the lack of sex isn't going to work, it'll make things worse (not saying you do, but the bigger the issue it is, the harder it is to overcome).

How did you start out as a couple? Try get some massage oil and give him a neck rub. Don't do anything sexual. Just be intimate. Find romance again and let him feel like you desire him, rather than want to couple with him. Curl up with him when you watch something and stroke his chest/thighs/wherever, somewhere non-sexual that's not exactly mundane either. Splash out on a weekend together somewhere different--he blames the house so an injection of somewhere different where you can be anonymous/adventurous/loud as you want might help him out. If nothing happens there, it's not the end of the world. Just make sure you've a lot of time as a couple.

You said you're busy and active and he's not. Maybe that intimidates him. Maybe he feels under pressure to be a certain way and due to weight gain he's not interested/able to be as virile as he used to be. Encourage him to take up a hobby, even if it's not active. He might be depressed. I'm glad he had sex with you, but tbh I think it might be because of guilt that you found out about the sex sites and wanted to reassure you that he did still want you. Fingers crossed I'm wrong OP

I Eat Pandas

Sunshine! wrote: »

Maybe he signed up to them to try and see would anyone be interested in him to spark a touch of libido. I don't advocate it by any means, but he put an age down as older and didn't message, looks like he wanted to work out what was "wrong" with him rather than hook up with anyone. If he has any friends on it, I'd see if any are local.

Has he been to his GP? It could be one of any number of things. If he can't get hard he's most likely not going to want to talk about it. Even in this day and age men don't like admitting they can't satisfy themselves or a partner! But it could be down to an underlying health issue.

He's gained weight and probably feels unattractive. You're young and have a sex drive; he's had many years more experience and tbh sex probably isn't do or die to him as it's not something new or exciting. Badgering him about the lack of sex isn't going to work, it'll make things worse (not saying you do, but the bigger the issue it is, the harder it is to overcome).

How did you start out as a couple? Try get some massage oil and give him a neck rub. Don't do anything sexual. Just be intimate. Find romance again and let him feel like you desire him, rather than want to couple with him. Curl up with him when you watch something and stroke his chest/thighs/wherever, somewhere non-sexual that's not exactly mundane either. Splash out on a weekend together somewhere different--he blames the house so an injection of somewhere different where you can be anonymous/adventurous/loud as you want might help him out. If nothing happens there, it's not the end of the world. Just make sure you've a lot of time as a couple.

You said you're busy and active and he's not. Maybe that intimidates him. Maybe he feels under pressure to be a certain way and due to weight gain he's not interested/able to be as virile as he used to be. Encourage him to take up a hobby, even if it's not active. He might be depressed. I'm glad he had sex with you, but tbh I think it might be because of guilt that you found out about the sex sites and wanted to reassure you that he did still want you. Fingers crossed I'm wrong OP

I agree completely with everything you said. About being more active, he talks about going to the gym all the time, but never goes. I'll try to drag him out soon. He never had any problems getting it up, so I dont think he has any health issues. We're a bit tight with the money at the moment, so can't really go anywhere, but a getaway is the first thing on our list after we move out to another place. In 3 years together we have never been on a holiday :eek:. I'm a bit worried about the fact that you said he might have had sex because he felt guilty that I found out about the sex sites, but we did it again this morning, so erm... I dont know how it is . We'll see.

Elmidena

Maybe he was in a rut, saw you were hurting and thought damn, I need me a fine piece of panda eatin' ass
Keep an eye out on pigsback.com, they've some amazing megadeals on for 2 nights bnb + wine for 50ish a good few times in different places around the country...I keep eyeing them up and my tax/nct/etc of late has been eyeing my up instead.
As for exercise, don't make it the gym. Do it more slyly! Grab him on a non-miserable evening and take him for a walk nowhere in particular. Something stupid like that gives a romantic twist and gets the good hormones ticking off in his head. Little by little....going to gym outta not going would be daunting for anybody! (I have been once and never again. I got an energetic dog instead)
I'm really happy things are back on trackish for you though, may many a happy shag find your way =D