Being friends with an ex? Yay or Nay?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, first time poster here so I'm probably doing this all the wrong way, so please bare with me as I'm just looking for some kind of opinion!
I was seeing this guy in college for about a year. We broke up just over 2 months ago, which was pretty much a mutual agreement for both of us BUT he bulls****ed a lot to me about how he felt about me, his ex and even his friends, he made out like he was a different person to the person he made himself out he was to me.

I naively fell for this but I still enjoyed my time with him and the fun that we had yet, I know in the end he treated me like crap and always put his feelings before his. We hadn't been talking for about a month but recently he messaged me on facebook about how I was getting on with work, college etc. (He is also recently after becoming friends with his ex gf, who he told me he 'hated and was totally over' ( I know, I'm an idiot!) And that was grand, I was nice to him and we were being civil to each other, because being bitter won't help either! The thing is though ever since then he has wrote to me a few times in my emails chatting to me about his worries about a particular friend of his, which I had no problem listening to, although I found it a bit strange he was talking to me about it? Then after this he asked me would I like to meet up with him for a drink some night just for a chat, and this is the part I'm confused by!

He seems very keen to want to meet up and keep chatting, but I don't know what exactly he wants from me either?.. I know that if I don't meet up with him I'll regret it but at the same time I don't want to meet up and then have all these feelings that I've nearly let go of come back into the equation.. Is it too soon to be this friendly with an ex? Any feedback would help! Thanks!

augustus gloop

he wants to get his leg over again.... just to see if he can

Karen8

You shouldn't care what he wants, but you should care what you really want. Imagine he didn't change and all this behavior will come back regulary. If you think you could accept it, go for it.

IrishEyes19

anyadivce wrote: »

Hey everyone, first time poster here so I'm probably doing this all the wrong way, so please bare with me as I'm just looking for some kind of opinion!
I was seeing this guy in college for about a year. We broke up just over 2 months ago, which was pretty much a mutual agreement for both of us BUT he bulls****ed a lot to me about how he felt about me, his ex and even his friends, he made out like he was a different person to the person he made himself out he was to me.

I naively fell for this but I still enjoyed my time with him and the fun that we had yet, I know in the end he treated me like crap and always put his feelings before his. We hadn't been talking for about a month but recently he messaged me on facebook about how I was getting on with work, college etc. (He is also recently after becoming friends with his ex gf, who he told me he 'hated and was totally over' ( I know, I'm an idiot!) And that was grand, I was nice to him and we were being civil to each other, because being bitter won't help either! The thing is though ever since then he has wrote to me a few times in my emails chatting to me about his worries about a particular friend of his, which I had no problem listening to, although I found it a bit strange he was talking to me about it? Then after this he asked me would I like to meet up with him for a drink some night just for a chat, and this is the part I'm confused by!

He seems very keen to want to meet up and keep chatting, but I don't know what exactly he wants from me either?.. I know that if I don't meet up with him I'll regret it but at the same time I don't want to meet up and then have all these feelings that I've nearly let go of come back into the equation.. Is it too soon to be this friendly with an ex? Any feedback would help! Thanks!

Ive been there and done that, OP, and Im the type of person who would also feel if I dont see or do something, will I regret it.
If you feel you should meet up, I would meet up in a daytime setting, ie coffee or lunch. Let him know beforehand that you are rushing, so you have an hour free before you have to go, and keep the conversation general.

My main reasons for this is, if his intentions are to have a friend with benefits situation which you might not want, a daytime setting and a busy agenda will quickly let him know, this is merely a catch up with the intention of closure.

I find in my own experiences that staying friends with an ex who treated me badly or hurt me, is never wise. Either you fall back into the same pattern, end up having feelings all over again, or else they drop you the minute someone else takes their fancy.

My advice would be, unless you can guarantee that you could be nothing but friends, dont go there. It isnt worth the hurt in the end and you should be thinking of you at this stage, because something tells me, he isnt. And this works for both sexes just in case anyone thinks Im singling out. Best of luck

Miss Fluff

anyadivce wrote: »

Hey everyone, first time poster here so I'm probably doing this all the wrong way, so please bare with me as I'm just looking for some kind of opinion!
I was seeing this guy in college for about a year. We broke up just over 2 months ago, which was pretty much a mutual agreement for both of us BUT he bulls****ed a lot to me about how he felt about me, his ex and even his friends, he made out like he was a different person to the person he made himself out he was to me.

I naively fell for this but I still enjoyed my time with him and the fun that we had yet, I know in the end he treated me like crap and always put his feelings before his. We hadn't been talking for about a month but recently he messaged me on facebook about how I was getting on with work, college etc. (He is also recently after becoming friends with his ex gf, who he told me he 'hated and was totally over' ( I know, I'm an idiot!) And that was grand, I was nice to him and we were being civil to each other, because being bitter won't help either! The thing is though ever since then he has wrote to me a few times in my emails chatting to me about his worries about a particular friend of his, which I had no problem listening to, although I found it a bit strange he was talking to me about it? Then after this he asked me would I like to meet up with him for a drink some night just for a chat, and this is the part I'm confused by!

He seems very keen to want to meet up and keep chatting, but I don't know what exactly he wants from me either?.. I know that if I don't meet up with him I'll regret it but at the same time I don't want to meet up and then have all these feelings that I've nearly let go of come back into the equation.. Is it too soon to be this friendly with an ex? Any feedback would help! Thanks!

Avoid at all costs.Do not meet him for a 'drink' and stop playing agony Aunt by listening to his woes, you're not his girlfriend. Being friends is a really really bad idea, it is obvious that it means two entirely different things to both of you.

G-Money

I don't believe in staying friends with an ex, unless both people are genuinely not interested anymore and even then, I don't really see why people insist on it. It's like they're deliberately trying to make things difficult for themselves.

If the ex treated you badly, then definitely do not stay friends with them. Do not even stay in contact! You're just asking for trouble if you get back together and I suspect you'd get little sympathy when it inevitably blows up in your face.

Forget about him and move on.

Neyite

I would be concerned that he is keeping you 'on ice' for a future hook up or friends with benefits situation. Meeting up for the drink is classic. Change it to a lunchtime coffee and see if he is still as interested in meeting as friends.

But it sounds like you had feelings for him, so that could get confusing and complicated for you if a no-strings situation was to transpire.

I dont even see him as friend material - he stretches the truth and is very disparaging and two faced about his ex. That means he is capable of the very same behaviour towards you behind your back.

I am a friend

Why would you want to stay friends with someone who treated you badly?

I see this a lot on here and dont get why people need to torture themselves...

LegacyUser

Ok I have no idea how to reply on this yet either to all the comments haha..Yeah I agree with everything people have said so far, especially if he talked to me about his friends, i can only imagine what he is capable of saying to them and what he is actually saying to me!.. I know it probably seems petty that I am actually considering meeting up with him but i dunno, it might help me realise how much better than him i am? ( i know...vain enough)! But now he is after suggesting coffee or lunch instead? So that is a TINY bit better sign..is it?

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Why would you want to stay friends with someone who treated you badly?

I see this a lot on here and dont get why people need to torture themselves...

Agree completely, no idea why you would want anything to do with the guy. He's clearly keeping you there as a backup option should he want to get back with you again.

I am a friend

anyadvice wrote: »

Ok I have no idea how to reply on this yet either to all the comments haha..Yeah I agree with everything people have said so far, especially if he talked to me about his friends, i can only imagine what he is capable of saying to them and what he is actually saying to me!.. I know it probably seems petty that I am actually considering meeting up with him but i dunno, it might help me realise how much better than him i am? ( i know...vain enough)! But now he is after suggesting coffee or lunch instead? So that is a TINY bit better sign..is it?

No it's not a good sign. Op do you suffer from self esteem issues cos I can't for the life of me figure why someone strong, healthy (mentally) and confident would set themselves up for more abuse??? It's very worrying

Sephiroth_dude

nay,dont get back in contact with him

Skuxx

G-Money wrote: »

I don't believe in staying friends with an ex, unless both people are genuinely not interested anymore and even then, I don't really see why people insist on it. It's like they're deliberately trying to make things difficult for themselves.

I don't really agree with this! My ex is probably my best friend and I know she feels the same. We dated for about 6 months, it didn't work out but we're even closer now than we were before!
In your case OP, I wouldn't bother going anywhere near the guy, sounds like unnecessary trouble for yourself!!

G-Money

alan1990 wrote: »

I don't really agree with this! My ex is probably my best friend and I know she feels the same. We dated for about 6 months, it didn't work out but we're even closer now than we were before!
In your case OP, I wouldn't bother going anywhere near the guy, sounds like unnecessary trouble for yourself!!

That's cool. The problem is not everyone is the same as you and your ex and unfortunately some people insist on trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Pun not intended

Elmidena

It depends on the people to be honest, but personally I found it doesn't really lead good places. Since it was mutual but he had almost split-personality depending on who he was talking to, it might not be that good an idea. You don't want to revoke all that lovely progress you've made!
In the past I met up with a guy I was in lust/not-quite-love-but-intense-emotionally with and each time I met him he just wanted sex, didn't want anything to do with me til the next week. Pros and cons, had the history of knowing what did and didn't work sexually, but ultimately it was shallow and I stopped meeting him to try make myself feel worth something. Eventually I did feel better, and moved on.
Said ex is now a full time CD and still asks me to meet him now and again, which I would find unbelievably weird but what can I say, I got him into that! But I find it difficult to go shopping anyway as I hate it much less "girly bond!"
If you have an ok time talking to him, keep it at that. Don't meet him til you're certain you won't go googly eyed over him and if you feel like you can't talk to him on a deep level without risking that stuff coming back, then don't. Simple as

den87

Been in this situation with my ex, tried to remain friends but it doesnt work, its way too hard. You're better off to cut him out of your life and move on, it's way easier.