Boyfriend texting someone else

Jimmycho

Hi all
Just looking for some advice. I found a text in my boyfriend of 4 years phone today. He had sent it to a girl stored under a guys name. The text said- I'm just kidding with u sexy- pity we didnt get to meet up this time but ill ring u tomorrow before u leave. He confessed that this was a girl he used to meet years ago who had moved to Oz and she text him to meet up but that he didn't meet her and didn't want 2!! He was really upset and apologized . I agreed to look past it and try move on. Im really hurt as I thought we were moving towards getting engaged etc and now it is clear to me that we are way off all that. I would never have thought he was capable of this and have never doubted him before. I just fon't know am I being stupid for looking past this. Can I trust him or am I wasting my life on him. Surely if I was everything he wanted/needed he wouldn't be texting someone else or am I over reacting?? All advice welcome. Thanks

Cathmandooo

I'm not seeing what he did wrong? He replied to a text from an old flame and turned her down?

I'd be more worried about why you were reading his texts

Edit sorry I misread that he sent that message, I'd be a bit annoyed about it too

michael999999

Jimmycho wrote: »

Hi all
Just looking for some advice. I found a text in my boyfriend of 4 years phone today. He had sent it to a girl stored under a guys name. The text said- I'm just kidding with u sexy- pity we didnt get to meet up this time but ill ring u tomorrow before u leave. He confessed that this was a girl he used to meet years ago who had moved to Oz and she text him to meet up but that he didn't meet her and didn't want 2!! He was really upset and apologized . I agreed to look past it and try move on. Im really hurt as I thought we were moving towards getting engaged etc and now it is clear to me that we are way off all that. I would never have thought he was capable of this and have never doubted him before. I just fon't know am I being stupid for looking past this. Can I trust him or am I wasting my life on him. Surely if I was everything he wanted/needed he wouldn't be texting someone else or am I over reacting?? All advice welcome. Thanks

Thats the bit that would worry me, you dont call other women sexy. But saying that he didnt meet her.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL -> RI

Scealta_saol

Is this a text he sent or was it one she sent?
Also, why were you going through his phone??

But I would believe you'd be ok to get past this. If he hasn't done anything to make you doubt he would do anything (a bit convoluted) then I'm sure he won't do anything....

I mean, if he's never done anything in the past and he really didn't want to meet her then I'm sure everything's fine. He was probably just making excuses to her. Just relax

Diagonally

Did he explain why she was stored under a guys name in his phone? That would worry me.

I am a friend

It's very dodgy that saved her number under a guys name - why bother if it were all innocent????

Why were you checking his phone? Have you reason (other than this now) to distrust him?

It all stinks. Would also not like my oh calling a girl he knows sexy - dodgy dodgy dodgy

If it were me, I would no longer think I could trust him and certainly would not be entertaining the idea of getting engaged to him. Sorry to say but it looks like he has a wandering eye.

Elmidena

I'm sorry you had such a nasty shock *hugs*

Im really hurt as I thought we were moving towards getting engaged etc and now it is clear to me that we are way off all that. I would never have thought he was capable of this and have never doubted him before. I just fon't know am I being stupid for looking past this.

To be honest, there's alarm bells going off in my head. If you had no reason to doubt him in four years, that indicates to me that you habitually go through his phone, which indicates that in no way do you trust him. Granted it could've been a once-off where you were looking for a message you'd been sent from his phone you'd deleted on your handset, but I don't think so. If this were the case, why would you read a message he sent to someone else? Surely the preview of the text after the man's name couldn't have got as far as "sexy" in the line?

You're not going to like this, but this snooping (for want of a better word) would make anyone feel uncomfortable. I don't know how old you or your partner are, but I get the impression you've been cheated on before and feel insecure and feel the need for reassurance, or he's cheated before and you want to be reassured he's not doing so now with you. That insecurity could make him feel smothered and feel tempted to reminisce fondly of "the one that got away". Keep in mind, they're exes for a reason. Did they only stop "meeting" (I don't know if it was casual or serious after all) when she moved country? If that's not the case then he most likely isn't harbouring a torch for her, just wondering "what if".

That doesn't mean he's right to send that message in the first place, but it baffles me that he covered his tail enough to change the name and not delete messages. Was it so if she rang or got a text you'd think it was safe, or was it something stupid he used to call her to annoy her or whatever? I think he wanted to see how she was getting on without upsetting you and without causing trouble. They could be good friends but didn't know how to tell you as once you knew it was an ex that changes the dynamic completely, even if he didn't see her in that light.

Jimmycho wrote: »

Hi all
Can I trust him or am I wasting my life on him. Surely if I was everything he wanted/needed he wouldn't be texting someone else or am I over reacting?? All advice welcome. Thanks

I think you already don't trust him to go through the phone as I've said earlier. Two wrongs don't make a right, but four years is a long time to give up on. As for walking away or staying together, that's your decision. I don't know anything about either of you so I can't comment on if you're suited or not, or if personality/habitual traits are ill-paired. I can't speak for everyone else here but unless you're best friends with a boardsie, it's unlikely they'll have a big enough picture either.

The message clearly states they didn't meet up in her holiday and he offered to call her by means of apologising as maybe seeing her would make him uncomfortable, but he felt mean for not seeing her when it's such a long journey and she's away all the time. He might have felt obliged to talk to her a little to ease his conscience without being rude and telling her to eff off. She's not a threat unless he hops on a plane with her or if she moves back; at best she's a penpal, but a penpal with a history. I wouldn't be happy he wasn't straight with you, but it doesn't mean he necessarily had an agenda.

When you said about getting ready for engagement, depending on how heavily you've wanted this aloud he might be feeling smothered and that his life isn't his own. He might be scared at the thought of finally settling down, so if sending a couple of texts got that out of system I'd greatly prefer that to walking in on him sleeping with someone else. Ask yourself if you're good together, from BOTH perspectives, or if you're together out of habit or scared to be alone. When you've decided firmly on that and not just an impulsive "Yes! I love him", then there is your answer. But don't stay with him if it's gonna eat away at you or if you never let him out of your sight, that's unhealthy.

I hope this helps somewhat, and I've not judged you. Hope you cheer up about it soon though, whatever the outcome

Jimmycho

First of all- doesn't everyone have a snoop in their oh phone every now and again. I'm not some bunny boiler. My reason for being so shocked is that I completely trust him. I'm just nosey-looking for gossip more than anything else and no I have never been cheated on or mis treated by any one in the past. I saw a name of a guy that I had never heard of and had a peak. He sent her the message!! Anyway thanks for the advice- maybe I am over reacting and probably should keep my nose out of his phone in future.
He asked me out, asked me to move in after 3 years of dating and he is the one talking about marriage children etc- I'm younger than him- only by few years but I don't put any pressure. I still feel too young for all that and he knows that. Anyway sorry for giving my life story there. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and think I've learned my lesson. Stay out of the phone!!!

I am a friend

I done ever check my oh's phone...

So are you happy with it all now? For what it's worth I think there is something v dodgy going on but it's your call.

Elmidena

Nobody called you a bunny boiler, and I believe that you were acting harmlessly, just I don't see it as a healthy trait. I'm sure your relationship is vastly different to mine (3 1/2 years) but that doesn't make either of us right or wrong, it's what works for the couple and if both people are happy with it. I was skipping through his photos one day looking for one I'd taken and bam, that spoiled the surprise of first Christmas together (but I love my telescope anyway...) I don't look through his contacts, texts or pics at all, nor him through mine and haven't for literally years. Back then it was harmless stuff like pics though, not reading messages or the like. If his phone goes and he's not around I tell him he had a missed call, I don't answer or read who's ringing. But that's just me.

Maybe try to find out how he got her number? Did she get it off a mate, was it the same number from when they were "meeting", was it email etc. There you might have a problem, but then again you might not. But don't stress out over this anyway, keep a rational mind and shut out the panic and insecurities. The truth will out one way or another, but he didn't meet her and had no plans to. You live together so he's not sneaking off doing stuff you don't know about etc. Chin up

evry1sm8

It sounds dodge to me.
He stored her under a guys name, and called her sexy.
If I was you I would lose my trust for him after this, honestly.
I dont mean leave him or do anything drastic, I just mean he needs to seriously re-earn your trust.
He's not acting trust worthy.
And since you found something odd, I dont think you were wrong to check his phone, you obviously had an inkling and your instinct was right.

baby and crumble

I don't look in my oh's phone unless I'm asked to, and even then I feel uncomfortable. I know all her passwords for emails and everything, and shell leve her emails open only computer anyway, but I don't look. If you're looking, I do think that means you don't trust him, which is a big issue. Having said that, saving the number under a male name is extra worrying. Thats the bit I'd be most concerned about, because that shows a willingness and an intent to deceive or cover something up. It's not like a shortened version of her name, like 'sam' for samantha, no?

Karen8

baby and crumble wrote: »

I don't look in my oh's phone unless I'm asked to, and even then I feel uncomfortable. I know all her passwords for emails and everything, and shell leve her emails open only computer anyway, but I don't look. If you're looking, I do think that means you don't trust him, which is a big issue. Having said that, saving the number under a male name is extra worrying. Thats the bit I'd be most concerned about, because that shows a willingness and an intent to deceive or cover something up. It's not like a shortened version of her name, like 'sam' for samantha, no?

You don't look after your oh's phone since she's not hiding it. I think in OP's situation there must be a reason for checking his cellphone. Maybe she didn't realize what it was, but I think something might have changed in his behavior and she decided to check. I never checked my bf's cellphone, but if I see some changes in his behavior (like sleeping with his cellphone under the pillow) I might become very interested in it.

donkey oatey

This is just what I thought when I read your post OP but how do you know it was the ex visiting from Australia? I am worried that this is a regular hookup who visits the area every now and then?

I have to admit that I'm speaking from a "once bitten, twice shy" perspective - My ex had some sexy comments on his fb wall and made up a story where it was all turned around on me. A couple of years later I found out that he'd been seeing this girl for 5 yrs.

I hope he is being honest and that it's all as he says. Good luck OP.

Jimmycho

Can't believe how many people are frowning upon my looking at his phone. I am sure glad I did. No it was not a short version. The name was stored under Shane Murphy!!! And the girls name is apparently Emma. Anyway he told me an old work contact gave this girl his number and that she was home from Australia. I took the number to ring her but it is not connecting so I assume she is gone back like he said. I'm not ok with it and I'm not sure if I'm going to take some time away from him now or not. Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.

Stench Blossoms

Jimmycho wrote: »

Can't believe how many people are frowning upon my looking at his phone. I am sure glad I did. No it was not a short version. The name was stored under Shane Murphy!!! And the girls name is apparently Emma. Anyway he told me an old work contact gave this girl his number and that she was home from Australia. I took the number to ring her but it is not connecting so I assume she is gone back like he said. I'm not ok with it and I'm not sure if I'm going to take some time away from him now or not. Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.

I sympathize with you.

But why oh why did you ring her?

Your issue is not with her. She has done nothing wrong.

Jimmycho

Jimmycho wrote: »

First of all- doesn't everyone have a snoop in their oh phone every now and again. I'm not some bunny boiler. My reason for being so shocked is that I completely trust him. I'm just nosey-looking for gossip more than anything else and no I have never been cheated on or mis treated by any one in the past. I saw a name of a guy that I had never heard of and had a peak. He sent her the message!! Anyway thanks for the advice- maybe I am over reacting and probably should keep my nose out of his phone in future.
He asked me out, asked me to move in after 3 years of dating and he is the one talking about marriage children etc- I'm younger than him- only by few years but I don't put any pressure. I still feel too young for all that and he knows that. Anyway sorry for giving my life story there. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and think I've learned my lesson. Stay out of the phone!!!

Eh no.

A0

You are right, the problem is not you checking his phone, but him having this contact under another name and texting her in a "very friendly" way :rolleyes:
I'd talk to him, think about it and then make a decision whether or not I'd stay in the relationship... I personally don't like this type of "s h i t e" in a relationship, but it's just my opinion

Neyite

I have never gone through my partners phone without him requesting it -eg he is driving and wants me to check something in his texts or call someone.

I would be concerned that the girl was under a false name and the sexy part is a bit of a slap.

I would be wondering what happened the last time she came home? You dont send a familiar text like that to someone you havent spoken to in 4 years, so there has been more texts before this one. I would be inclined to think he is not sorry he was sexting. He is sorry he got caught.

Zen65

Jimmycho wrote: »

First of all- doesn't everyone have a snoop in their oh phone every now and again.

Absolutely not, OP. I would never distrust my partner's fidelity.

However that's not the point of this thread. The issue is whether you are going to continue to distrust your partner in the future, because if you do then this relationship is going nowhere.

Be at peace,

Z

Jimmycho

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I sympathize with you.

But why oh why did you ring her?

Your issue is not with her. She has done nothing wrong.

Because she knows he has a girlfriend but is still pursuing him and asking him to meet!! Oh you're all 2 perfect for me in here.

Jimmycho

Jimmycho wrote: »

Because she knows he has a girlfriend but is still pursuing him and asking him to meet!! Oh you're all 2 perfect for me in here.

He is the one who has a girlfriend and should not be carrying on like this. He's the one you have the problem with

Little Miss Lady

Op you need to calm down and think rationally here for a minute..
Firstly - You have to ask yourself why on earth would you snoop through your boyfriend's phone in the first place. After any amount of years this is just not on.
Do you trust him at all? If you don't well then maybe he's not the one for you.
Secondly - Ok he may not have met up with this woman but she was in his phone under a guy's name. This would insinuate that he wanted to hide it from you. The reason why, you have to discuss that with your boyfriend.
Thirdly - Never approach the other woman.. what's the point, it's up to your boyfriend to cull things afterall it is him that you are in the relationship with.

Neyite

Jimmycho wrote: »

Because she knows he has a girlfriend but is still pursuing him and asking him to meet!! Oh you're all 2 perfect for me in here.

But the point people are making here is that she has no obligation to you. Your boyfriend does. He is the one making promises to you. Why are you absolving him from the responsibility in this?

She owes you nothing. She only knows what your boyfriend has told her. For all you know he could have told her he was single /on the outs with you, anything.

I am a friend

Jimmycho wrote: »

Oh you're all 2 perfect for me in here.

Your responses have been sharp up to now but this one is just obnoxious. People are taking time our of their lives and offering their experience to try to help you and this is how you respond.

I am bowing out of this thread. Your evidence lack of graciousness is not my cuppa.

Justask

While I do agree that some of the OP's posts are not coming across as the best attitude ever BUT IMO her boyfriend is in the wrong and some of the posts are making out that she is the bd one here for going through his phone

I would much rather be known as a person who went through a phone then a person who is a T&t for going out with a cheat.

OP once the trust is gone so is the relatioship. IMO a relationship is nothing without trust and you will drive yourself bonkers if you stay.

Best of luck

Elmidena

I'm not too bothered by the snappy comments, after all, she's just had a nasty shock and it's cornered rat syndrome as I call it--emotions are harder to keep in check. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. I did a hell of a lot of work to get with my partner which involved cheating on my then-partner (his best friend). Worth every moment of hassle though.

She hasn't done anything wrong. It's hard to think that when red mist instantly fills your eyes but she hasn't; you don't know what she's been told, but if someone else DID give her the number then she'd know he wasn't single as in if they had the number, they'd know he lived with his long term partner. But she's single and has no duty. He isn't. That's your focus to keep imo.

I believe Capt Jack Sparrow said it best with "The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do" you can forgive him or move on. Or you can't and drive yourself crazy checking his phone, seeing where he's going, who he saw on the street etc and warp yourself into someone else. Someone unhappy.

Stench Blossoms

Jimmycho wrote: »

Because she knows he has a girlfriend but is still pursuing him and asking him to meet!! Oh you're all 2 perfect for me in here.

How do you know she knows he has a girlfriend?

For all you know he could have told her he was single.

Edit: P.s. I don't see a problem with you going through his phone. But again it was HIM that has decieved you. You'll only embarress yourself by contacting her.