Torn: Where to go?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this guy for the past 18months. He's a really nice bloke. I like him a lot and we get on really well. He's even been trying to convince me to move in with him lately.
About 2/3months ago I heard of this really interesting business opportunity. Basically it's to live and work in Asia for 1-2years. I was really excited when I heard about it and have been really vocal about my desire to go. I was determined to apply and give the whole venture a try, since it could open up a whole new life for me.
Now, however, I'm not so sure. When I think about it, I know for sure that he wouldn't want to go with me. Even if he did, he probably couldn't because he doesn't really have any qualifications that would help him get a job wherever I go (and I wouldn't be able to support both of us).
I told myself we could go our separate ways and when and if I return we could start things over if we both wanted. That seemed like the best option, but I'm becoming less sure about my opinion. Firstly; what if I return and find that he's moved on? What if I lost my chance? Second; he's depressive, and the fact that I know what it's like to be depressed and suicidal at some points is one of the things we've bonded over - what if one day he reaches a low and I'm not there to help?
I can't help but worry about messing up the course of my life. There's a voice in my head saying maybe I should settle with this guy, since we're so close and I have a chance. But there's another voice at the same time telling me that he's the safe option; that going on this project could be a dramatic change, but it could lead me on a great adventure and I could meet someone even better along the way.
I really don't know what I want.
In this situation, what would you do? If there anyone that has been in this position before who could give me some advice?

Karen8

I haven't been in this position before and I really can't give you any good advice, even if I could, the decision will be yours. Will all its consequences.
I would just suggest to talk to him about that. Maybe he will think it's a great idea, nice opportunity in your life, maybe he won't. But his reaction might guide you to your decision. Sooner or later you will need to talk about it, so why wait? All the best, whatever decision you will make I hope you will not regret. Just think what is more important for you in a long term.

donkey oatey

I think if I was in your shoes I'd travel. Staying out of fear of losing someone or because of someone's mental state would put a lot of pressure on me. I think it's great that you've found something that excites you.

Jam

and picsited wrote: »

I told myself we could go our separate ways and when and if I return we could start things over if we both wanted. That seemed like the best option, but I'm becoming less sure about my opinion. Firstly; what if I return and find that he's moved on?

This sounds a little selfish. A little have-my-cake-and-eat-it. Of course he will move on, if it's two years. You want to have your adventure and you expect him to wait for you?

But that's a minor point. You should never stay for somebody else. It'll only breed resentment, and chances of "I stayed for you!"-"I never asked you to!" arguments. You can't force him to go, it's the same conversation. Ask yourself: would he stay for you? And are you settling?

You're in quite a spot. A LDR might be possible, but I think it depends as a proportion of the relationship. An LDR that's longer than the relationship will be problematic.

Wompa1

To be honest with you OP. I've been travelling for work quite a bit for the last 2 years, a lot in the last 8 months!. I'm currently in Sydney which seems to be the promised land for every other young person in Ireland. From what I can see people who go travelling for the adventure appear to drink the heads off themselves and sleep around...but maybe this place is just a bad example...

That doesn't really appeal to me since I'm not much of a drinker and I don't have one night stands. I'm enjoying seeing the sights but there's only so many to see. More to the point...travelling was romanticized by others for me...but as far as I can see it's a drink filled sex binge...not sure I'd throw away the potential love of my life for it.

I gave up the oppurtunity to move to London (I love London) for a huge salary for an ex who then cheated on me. I keep wondering if I made a mistake....I think in the context I made the right decision so I no longer regret it.

Can I ask what is it about moving to Asia is it that interest you? is it something you can only find there?

I hope this isn't intrusive...I fretted over my decision for months and it put a strain on myself and my relationship until I made the choice so am just trying to help and give a bit of insight.

fungun

What age are you?

My advice - all depends on how serious you are about your bf. You mention 2 issues, 1 your reln and 2 his depression. Take no. 2 off the table right now; you will certainly get resentful if you stay just because he might get depressed; he cannot be that dependent on you.

Only you can make the call over your reln vs the job. From your post, I think it clear you actually want should go. You speak excitedly about the job, once a lifetime opportunity etc, and then you say this about your bf:

I've been seeing this guy for the past 18months. He's a really nice bloke. I like him a lot and we get on really well. He's even been trying to convince me to move in with him lately.

In a post about this issue, Id expect you to be a bit more effusive about your bf, you dont seem to think your reln is a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity, you talk more of 'settling for him' and 'I could meet someone better'.

So if your post is representative of how you feel, then go.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

To be honest with you OP. I've been travelling for work quite a bit for the last 2 years, a lot in the last 8 months!. I'm currently in Sydney which seems to be the promised land for every other young person in Ireland. From what I can see people who go travelling for the adventure appear to drink the heads off themselves and sleep around...but maybe this place is just a bad example...

That doesn't really appeal to me since I'm not much of a drinker and I don't have one night stands. I'm enjoying seeing the sights but there's only so many to see. More to the point...travelling was romanticized by others for me...but as far as I can see it's a drink filled sex binge...not sure I'd throw away the potential love of my life for it.

I gave up the oppurtunity to move to London (I love London) for a huge salary for an ex who then cheated on me. I keep wondering if I made a mistake....I think in the context I made the right decision so I no longer regret it.

Can I ask what is it about moving to Asia is it that interest you? is it something you can only find there?

I hope this isn't intrusive...I fretted over my decision for months and it put a strain on myself and my relationship until I made the choice so am just trying to help and give a bit of insight.

OP here. I'm interested in Asia because it's exotic. It's somewhere I've never been and it's also somewhere that fascinates me. I'd really like to try to live there and see all there is to see.

magpieseye

It sounds to me as though you'd rather go. If you go and realise you can't be without your boyfriend or you hate being away, you can always come back home. And if your boyfriend doesn't take you back then maybe it wasn't to be.
I've been going out woth a guy for 2 years and he is really great but your description of your boyfriend reminds me of mine. I really like him but I find I wonder whether or not I'm 'settling' or am I really in love.
I think you should go but ulltimately you have to feel happy with the decision you make yourself. If you feel you've made the wrong decision either way you can't fel bitter towards him for affecting your decision.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.

OkayWhatever

Asia is such an amazing opportunity. I think if I was you, I'd go.


If you turn it down and a few weeks or months down the line you break up, you're gonna regret not going.

It's opportunities like this that make you realize the type of person you are and what makes you properly happy. Asia could be that place that just takes your breath away, and you could miss out if you don't go.

If things don't work out, at least you can say you gave it your best shot.

But yeah, I think i'd definitely go.

Zen65

fungun wrote: »

So if your post is representative of how you feel, then go.

+1

I was just about to post a response when I read fungun's reply and it's everything I was going to say. The contrast between how you speak about this opportunity and how you speak about your boyfriend is palpable. If you don't go you'll regret it for the rest of your life, and your boyfriend will know it.

Be at peace,


Z

ontheditch2

My ex had the chance to go to Oz for a year working with her sister, but she decided to stay around, partly/mainly because of me. I wanted her to stay, i was mad about her, but we ended up breaking up a few months later.
I met her last week and asked her if she regretted not going, she kind of did, which upset me.
I would say go, if it is meant to be with the lad, then it will be.
You don't get too many opportunities in life to do these things.

I feel bad for my ex not going now.