Would love to hear your thoughts.

LegacyUser

Sorry but I needed to go anonymous for this one!

I hope I've posted in the correct place, I really would love some advice her.

My husband's father has just passed away. Unfortunately they weren't close, hadn't spoken in 20 years due to behavior of my father in law. My husband has no regrets.

As he is the oldest child my husband is helping his mother with funeral arrangements, helping her plan and also helping her sort out her life. He's been staying with her for the last few days (about a 5 hour drive from our home) and will be coming home in about 4 days.

Ok... so the part I need help with... friends of his were due to visit next weekend, it's been planned for a while, they are coming to celebrate their wedding anniversary. My husband has just spoke to them and has found out that they still intend to come. They know my husband very well (I've never met them) so they know the situation with his father and also that he fell out with him a long time ago and that he isn't greatly upset by his passing.

I still think this is incredibly rude, he will only be home two days and will have to entertain them. Listening to him on the phone I can hear he is really tired from supporting his mother and sorting things out.

Do you think the friends are a bit out of line? Or am I just being a pain? Surely there is some kind of etiquette with regard staying with friends who have recently been bereaved? Has anyone any ideas how we could gently ask them to deffer their visit?

Thank you.

Ickle Magoo

Hi there,

I've moved your post from Bereavement as your post is not requesting the support and empathy that forum was set up to provide but rather you have a question about general etiquette.

All the best.

temply

Totally out of order, tell them they can come another time, some people just need things spelled out for them.

Oryx

What has your husband said about this? If he does not want them to come, then it is his place (and his right) to ask them to defer.

Neyite

His relationship with his father is irrelevant. When my father died we were expecting it for some time because of his illness. He was in God's hands, it was our mother who needed us.

Its his mother who needs him. However, it is up to your husband to say it to his friends that they need to cancel. It is possible that he may welcome the diversion from the stress after the funeral, or it may be the last thing he wants. Its his call.

Firetrap

I think it's your husband's call. I just get the feeling that his friends haven't got a clue about the pressure he's under. It probably would be a bit different if he had been close to his father - in that case the friends might have thought to ask him how he was and would it still be ok to come.

As Neyite has pointed out, perhaps your husband might be happy to see them coming. Either way, it's his call. If he'd rather not see them coming to visit just now, there's nothing horrible in him picking up the phone, telling them he's under pressure just now and would they mind putting off the visit for a while. Have a chat with your husband and see how he feels.

coolcat63

Given that he knows them well I'm guessing they double checked with him that it was still OK to come. Perhaps, despite his tiredness, he's looking forward to the visit as an antidote to dealing with the arrangements and his mother's grief. Have you asked him if he's happy with them still coming?

dafunk

From the friends point of view, it's all the more reason to visit. I know if a close friend of mine lost a parent I would go an visit them ASAP (as long as they wanted me to) to show my support. The natural assumption would be that they would isot as planned unless told otherwise. I don't think it's rude or inconsiderate.

Do you feel inconvenienced by the visit? Perhaps you should ask your husband what h e wants?

Karen8

I would leave it up to him. He knows himself better, and if he agrees with it, he probably wants them to come - maybe to cheer up. Allow him to decide.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry for posting in the wrong section and thank you also for moving it.

I have spoken to him about it, he would prefer if they didn't come, he is only home today and is back in work tomorrow so it gives him very little time to relax and sort his own things out before they visit on Saturday. He's not going to ask them defer the visit as he's afraid of being rude! It's his decision, I don't know them long enough to say anything, nor do I think it's my place to.

I just would have thought people would have had the sense to know he might need some time to relax etc.

Thank you again.

Taltos

As his wife you really don't need to worry about knowing them well enough, and to contradict you - if his wife cannot support and speak up for him - then who can.

Just have a quick chat with them and suggest maybe delaying it for a few weeks. Most friends would not mind this at all.

Let them know he is looking forwards to seeing them as are you but it is just too soon - and agree on which weekend it should be - ie - let's meet up in two weeks...

One thing to consider - that there is no right or wrong here - some people look at death differently and think that it is a time for everyone to pile around to distract the person. If you do this nicely there should be no problem.

Lollipops23

Defo not something I'd want after a tough week. Doesn't matter what's made it tough, be it a death or even just strife at work. These people are being incredibly self involved not to consider postponing their weekend away.