To seek a man or stay single

LegacyUser

As a 39 year old female, i have been reflecting on the lack of relationships in my life and why i have never had a relationship...the odd date or two, few weeks at most- nothing meaningful anyway.
I figure i must not be attractive enough- either physical appearance or personality.
I can live with that but it is a bit sad, am almost conditioned now not to be in a relationship as i wouldn't know what to do...or would find it difficult to share my space.
I'm also so inexperienced that i would be worried about that too if i did meet anyone.
I've tried dating sites with no success, am a member of clubs etc but never meet anyone interested in me.
I've read other threads similar to this and the general advice is to persevere...twenty years is a long time to have doen that already, maybe i'd be better accepting singledom?

I am a friend

I don't think you should give up if you would like to meet someone. It can be strange getting used to sharing your life but it's very worth the effort.

Don't rule anything out, keep an open mind and enjoy life in the meantime.

gargleblaster

I don't think you should give up, or as you put it just accept singledom. I do think that seeking a man is a mistake.

It's natural for most people to want someone to share good times with, and grow with. It's not easy, though. And if the search for that person becomes too much of a goal, then that desire for a partner can come through in ways that can scare people off. Most often it's referred to as desperation, but I think that's a strong word for it.

IMO you shouldn't so much accept singledom as accept that life is a journey that in many ways we can't map out, and finding someone to share our life with is one of those ways. If you can focus more on just enjoying yourself as much as possible on that journey then you might seem more relaxed and at ease with yourself, and have better luck attracting someone who shares your interests and values. I know it sounds cheap, I'm definitely not intending to give any "The Secret" type advice. I just mean that it's usually when we've accepted who we are, and the path we're on - once we're comfortable and at ease with ourselves - that we seem most attractive to others. Not attractive as in look-like-a-model sexy - atractive as in a whole, self-actualized and confident person sexy.

And no, you don't have to transform into some completely different person. Everyone has insecurities and doubts. But when those are in the background and not preoccupying you as being the reason you've been unsuccessful in finding someone special in the past, you will project more of the real you towards others, and less self-doubt.

Oops, I didn't mean to write so much. I hope some of this was helpful! Take care and good luck.

Distorted

If you have had even short term relationships, I doubt you can be that unattractive. Lets put it this way - I know plenty of girls who are worse than plain, quite overweight, frumpy, not even particularly nice or interesting characters, who have fantastic boyfriends and husbands. What I am pretty sure they do is to get their claws into a good one and hang on for grim death, putting a huge amount of effort into it. Some men also respond very well to that. Not for me, and possibly not for you either, but I'm sure it explains a lot.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for your replies.
I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself the other night , reflecting that I have spent 20 years as an adult without one meaningful relationship in my life...i was considering that i should put more effort into this part of my life but i don't want to be a desperate singleton either.
While I defiinitely don't live my life looking for someone, perhaps i give out the wrong signals to guys.
I do think there must be some issue with me though as most of my friends have been in various relationships, and I don't have those experiences- whether its the wrong signals, or something more. It seems that i've wasted the last 20 years or at least missed out on a lot of normal relationship stuff.

Will carry on same as before, and see what happens.

sethasaurus

guest4477 wrote: »

Will carry on same as before, and see what happens.

tsk

Einstein's definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

zxcvbnm1

sethasaurus wrote: »

tsk

Einstein's definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The above comment may have been said slightly tongue-in0cheek (although maybe not) but it certainly applies in this scenario.

You said you don't want to be seen as a desperate singelton so therefore won't put in too much effort.
This is bizarre logic i have to say - and quite possibly your achilles heel.

I have to say, this notion of someone being considered 'desperate' because they would like or actively seek a partner is one of my pet hates.
It just doesn't nmake any sense ! It's something that people say without fully understanding what they are saying because they heard other people say it.

Why on earth would anyone who sees someone being proactive about getting themselves a better quality of life be seen as desperate?
Why is actively going out and getting this considered a negative thing?

yet if someone goes out and gets what they want in business it is admired.
Yet presumably most of us would prefer a happy relationship than an overly successful business.

Do you think that of other people ? I presume you don't. At least i hope you don't.

Bottom line is you need to be proactive - and very proactive at that.
If I was you in fact I would make it my main purpose for te hnext 12 montsh and then reassess.

Go speeddating, try onlin edating - and yes...join clubs, join meetup.com etc.
Do whatever - just meet more people.

yeah - it's a pain in the hole doing it. It takes a lot of energy and it will put you in some socially awkward situations perhaps.
Alternatively it could open you up to a whole new world.

But continuing to do what you have been doing for the past 20 years in the hope that someone lands in your lap is a bit of a long shot.
So the sooner you realise that the better.

sethasaurus

I don't think you necessarily have to go out and actively seek someone. It's an old cliche but really, if you stop looking, something usually falls into your lap when you least expect it.

Maybe you need to meet more people or put yourself into the stream of life and interact a bit more?
Is it a problem with the effort you put in or maybe you have high standards (nothing wrong with that)?

Sounds like you need to interact and trust a bit more to actually figure it out. Just saying 'could be I'm giving the wrong signals' won't help you. Try and get some feedback and see how you come across.

Singledom is for a few people who are either incredibly lazy, self-centred, mistrusting or damaged goods (or hermits).
You don't sound like any of those, but if sharing and having a relationship has now become important, then you may have to start putting some effort in when you do meet someone interesting.

Wait..you're not an accountant, are you? If so, change your profession!

zxcvbnm1

sethasaurus wrote: »

I don't think you necessarily have to go out and actively seek someone. It's an old cliche but really, if you stop looking, something usually falls into your lap when you least expect it.

I have to say i couldn't disagree more with the above statement.
Yes - I have heard it said before but how could it possibly make any sense?
She has been doing that for the last 20 years and it clearly hasn't worked.
Quite clearly it is time for a new strategy.

Making a conscious effort to expand the OPs social group can only be to her benefit in trying to get a boyfriend.

OP - another thing you could try is dating agencies. I think they cost a few quid but they get you set up on dates at least.

solovely

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

I have to say i couldn't disagree more with the above statement.
Yes - I have heard it said before but how could it possibly make any sense?
She has been doing that for the last 20 years and it clearly hasn't worked.
Quite clearly it is time for a new strategy.

Making a conscious effort to expand the OPs social group can only be to her benefit in trying to get a boyfriend.

OP - another thing you could try is dating agencies. I think they cost a few quid but they get you set up on dates at least.

+1 on all of this. Such an overused cliche, that really doesn't make any sense over the age of 24 I think!!

I do agree though with being happy in single life, and accepting that this may be it, while at the same time consciously looking for someone. When happy in our own circumstances and situations, we give off an air of confidence and obviously also feel happier in ourselves.

guest4477

guest4477 wrote: »

I've read other threads similar to this and the general advice is to persevere...twenty years is a long time to have doen that already, maybe i'd be better accepting singledom?

I would repeat the advice I give successfully many many times both on here and with the people I help out in real life. The main secret to finding a partner is to stop trying.

Instead invest yourself in self improvement and hobbies, most especially in the social aspects of each hobby. Very few hobbies have no social side to them one can explore. From jamming with others if your hobby is music, to joining speaking groups if your hobby is learning another language. Whatever the hobby there is a social path to follow.

What I find, and what I try to convince people of, is that finding a partner is not something you do but something that happens to you while you do other things. Invest yourself in your own life and being happy with your life and yourself and suddenly you wake up 2 or 3 years down the road and simply find youre in a relationship with someone you met along the way.

Emme

Distorted wrote: »

If you have had even short term relationships, I doubt you can be that unattractive. Lets put it this way - I know plenty of girls who are worse than plain, quite overweight, frumpy, not even particularly nice or interesting characters, who have fantastic boyfriends and husbands. What I am pretty sure they do is to get their claws into a good one and hang on for grim death, putting a huge amount of effort into it. Some men also respond very well to that. Not for me, and possibly not for you either, but I'm sure it explains a lot.

True. I do bootcamp and one girl has joined recently. She's overweight and is really struggling with the class. I was congratulating her on sticking it out and she said "I'm only doing this for two months because I want to lose a stone and a half before I get married. Once I get married I'm not coming back". She's not getting fit for her own sake but just to look good on her wedding day. This is ridiculous but it's clearly what she wants and is her way of hanging on to her fiance before she gets the ring on the finger.

Deleted User wrote: »

What I find, and what I try to convince people of, is that finding a partner is not something you do but something that happens to you while you do other things.

It doesn't always happen, but when you do other things you learn to be happier with yourself and finding a partner isn't such a big deal any more.

Deleted User wrote: »

Invest yourself in your own life and being happy with your life and yourself and suddenly you wake up 2 or 3 years down the road and simply find youre in a relationship with someone you met along the way.

Or not. But again invest in being happy with yourself and being on your own won't matter so much. I'm a similar age to the OP and would say that it's not easy to find a partner now whether through hobbies or the old routes of speed dating, internet dating etc. If you do meet somebody it's going to take a lot of work and he may or may not be worth the effort. As men get older they make less effort in a relationship because (a) they may not particularly want to be in a relationship one way or another and (b) even if they do want a relationship they have a lot of options.

You have to be pragmatic and at the end of the day it's a cost-benefit analysis - is it worth the effort to be in a relationship or have somebody in your life other than friends and family? It's like this, do you want to put in the effort necessary to get and hold onto a partner or do you want to use your time putting effort into having a life of your own?

I would advise the OP to forget about finding a partner and focus on broadening her social circle, try new hobbies and learn something new. I speak as somebody who has given up and is coming to terms with accepting indefinite singledom.

There is no reliance on "always" in my post. I am aware there will always be exceptions. That does not negate the general advice itself though - especially for those who have not given up as described.

It is merely advice I have given often and seen used successfully more often than used unsuccessfully by a wide margin and so I offer it again.

Investing oneself in improving ones life, hobbies and more leads almost inevitably to an increase and changes in ones social circle and such increases and changes lead to greater probabilities of finding a partner. It is certainly a more successful strategy than - say for one random example - sitting on the sofa worrying you are not meeting someone as the sofa tends not to be generally a successful meeting spot.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I agree with the more "tough love" posters here, posters like zxcvbnm1 and solovely. That's not having a go at you at all OP, I just truly believe in what they are saying.

In April 2010, my girlfriend of 4 years and I broke up. We had a very close relationship and it hit me hard. I needed some time to re-examine myself and basically sort my sh*t out. It's been an excellent year and a half and I learned alot.

The key stuff I learned which is applicable to you too I think

1. Examine how I felt about myself. This is hugely important! Someone said once that if you can't love yourself how can you love other people. Have a critical analysis of yourself and list your good points and bad points. For example one good point for me was that I find it easy to interact with strangers. A bad point was that my happiness was too closely linked to my relationship. For the bad points, brainstorm some ideas on how to solve these.

2. Try not to let relationship dictate my happiness. I have taken up lots of different hobbies now and tried things I wouldn't have thought of trying before - meetup.com and Toastmasters.

3. Don't over-hype any guy/girl. I found initially I was putting too much effort into finding a "replacement" girlfriend which was really putting too much pressure on me. I worked hard to change that attitude and look instead for fun interactions.

But the main point is number 1. I really spent a lot of time examining my self identity and what I really thought of myself and how to improve myself, for myself and not for any one particular person.

Lon Dubh

Deleted User wrote: »

I would repeat the advice I give successfully many many times both on here and with the people I help out in real life. The main secret to finding a partner is to stop trying.


...What I find, and what I try to convince people of, is that finding a partner is not something you do but something that happens to you while you do other things.

Sorry for the long post in advance!

I agree with the points about expading ones social circle, but not with the above. She hasn't found someone in 20 years, so what she is doing is not working.

I am somewhat like the poster. Though I have had relationships I have been single most of my adult life - sometimes by choice but not always.

The "finding someone when you are not looking" only works up to a point. The OP may already have met many people she would have liked and could have gone out with, but like me did not recognise the potential in the situation, or did not act on the situation, or gave out the wrong signals.

I know with myself some of my barriers were things like I was very shy when younger, so tended to shy away from certain situations, including situations where I might have met someone.

I also didn't drink so certain social activities were not attractive to me (and these happened to be things like clubbing where people might meet someone). I wouldn't suggest people start drinking to meet someone, just pointing out that sometimes a person's habits can be a bit of an issue.

But probably the biggest factor was that I often did not recognise situations where people were interested, or potentially interested, in asking me out. I am not kidding, I was chatted up by people (not subtly) but did not realise until afterwards.

But worst of all, I also tended sometimes to give out a signal that I was not interested, and possibly even unapproachable/stand offish (which I am not at all). I was not aware I was doing this at all until someone said it to me, but even then it still didn't fully sink in for a while

I don't know if the OP had any of these things going on but she might want to look at what she is doing and maybe try some different approaches.

She might also be living somewhere where it is hard to meet people, or have a job that somehow makes it difficult, so she might want to look at this and try and see if there is any way around some of these problems (e.g. socialise in different places). At 39 as well there will be less single people around so something like speed dating or internet dating might be good for being a bit more directed.

Just one more thing that I think was useful for me, and if it is an issue OP for you it might help. If you are inclined to be quiet or shy, it might be worth making a more pro-active effort to talk to strangers - anywhere. This is good practice for getting a bit of confidence in talking to stangers, but also you'd never know where you might meet someone.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.
Thanks to all for the replies!
I guess staying in the same old cycle won't really achieve any different results so I will have to make some changes in my lifestyle to create opportunities to meet new people.
I think i probably have self esteem issues although there is no real basis for that- am probably too quiet also.
I am a member of some clubs etc and have tried internet dating but will need to try different things. I don't live in dublin so there's not as much things going on round here.

I suppose i didn't like the idea of spending all my spare time trying to meet someone, i'd rather meet someone while living my life...but as said, that hasn't happened in life so far so will need to break that cycle somehow.
I'm wary of putting too much effort in - fear of failure, i suppose. But i'll have to put a little more effort in otherwise i'll be in the same situation in 2 years time or 10 years time.
Am off to look up some evening classes to broaden my horizons.

EGAR

In my mid-thirties I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to go through life alone. I never used dating sites and rarely go out AND I live remote . But what is for you wont pass you by and I met my now partner 9 years ago on my own doorstep. Perhaps you are trying to hard to find Mr Right instead of enjoying yourself, doing what YOU like and go with the flow?

Tricia1

I'd be curious as to what the OP and other posters would think of the whole meeting somebody at work/ or say college route (primarly work).?

I've seen it mentioned on here more than once (i.e. a lot of people do eventually meet/ develop feelings over time for a work colleague).

It's been mentioned on here as being a slow-burner situation (which is most probably true due to the fact that people have to seen to be being professional etc) but couples have most certainly met at the workplace.

If anything it's quite common.

I'd be interested to see if the OP knows/ likes a work colleague for instance.