Sex drive issue

LegacyUser

I've been with my fiance for 8 years now and we are very happy. He's a great person, and very good looking too. He takes care of himself, goes to the gym and really is a gorgeous guy inside and out.

Lately though I've been finding it harder to get in the mood, which if I'm honest has been lurking around for the past while but because we work on going out on dates together and being affectionate it's never really been an issue.

We moved abroad about 3 months ago and since then it's been really difficult for me to let go. I'm very worried about if we've made a mistake, I feel a little lost in myself tbh. I miss friends, family and the security of home and I don't feel very successful as a person. Perhaps this is affecting me?

Also an ongoing problem for me has been letting myself go. It's like the more I love my fiance and the more he knows me inside and out, the harder I find it to really lose control with him. I am embarrassed and self-conscious and feel stupid sometimes, which naturally he thinks is nuts.

Weirdly, it's like I feel like the more you love someone the less you should have sex with them? It's like that's doing something bad to them, and I feel slightly guilty and that I shouldn't think of someone I love and respect so much, like that.

I have done a lot of soul searching and i know I still fancy him, so I don't think it's that. And it's not like my libido is gone completely. It's just mustering up the energy to do it in the first place, and feeling comfortable to just go for it with him. And seeing sex as a good, healthy thing, rather than a guilty bad thing I suppose.

Help please!

LegacyUser

Over 300 views, surely someone has some kind of advice to give me?

gmac102

Original P wrote: »

Over 300 views, surely someone has some kind of advice to give me?

I think its the move that has you this way not your bf, until you address your feeling re move it will keep manifesting in other areas.

Moving let alone to another country can be very stressful, its just been 3 months try give it time and hopefully it will get better for you

Monkey61

My weird views on sex wrote: »

It's like the more I love my fiance and the more he knows me inside and out, the harder I find it to really lose control with him. I am embarrassed and self-conscious and feel stupid sometimes, which naturally he thinks is nuts.

Weirdly, it's like I feel like the more you love someone the less you should have sex with them? It's like that's doing something bad to them, and I feel slightly guilty and that I shouldn't think of someone I love and respect so much, like that.

I am going to throw this out here OP, and you may think it a bit extreme, but this is my take on the situation. Is it possible, that even though you know he is a great guy and think he is really good looking etc, that he is actually more your best friend than someone you actually actively fancy and thus should be in a relationship with? I have experienced the exact same thing in the past, long term relationship, someone I loved very very much - but the more I thought the love increased the less I could reconcile the idea of love and sex as compatible ideas.

I convinced myself that I was just a bit strange like that, or clearly had issues etc regarding guilt and all the rest. I couldn't understand how I could love someone, and they could be so perfect and that I was not meant to be with them..thus I was convinced that it was just my problem and I would eventually work through it.

It wasn't of course. We weren't meant to be together, we were meant to be best friends. All those feelings were arising as the relationship was turning more and more into a very close friendship and that is why something felt wrong.

I know that you have been with this guy for 8 years and are set to marry him, but honestly, if you feel that way about sex with your future husband, it doesn't mean that you have a problem, it means, in my opinion, that you really aren't meant to be together. For me that feeling was the most terrifying thing in the world, because I had built my whole future in my head with that person and that was how I thought my life was going to be.

But now, a few years later, I am in a wonderful relationship, with the person that I am actually meant to be with and I know that I could never in a million years feel that way about sex with, because it feels completely right and exactly how I imagine that it is meant to feel.

Something to think on anyway...

thefireinside

I agree with alot of what Monkey has said, it seems to me that although you do see that he is a very good looking man, are you genuinely sexually attracted to him? Cos they are 2 very different things!

Unfortunately in relationships, the sexual attraction can dissipate (this has happened me in 2 long-term relationships which I had to end due to the sex being torturous for me).

Having said that, you are under strain with the move abroad away from securities so this could also be affecting your sexual relationship with him. It is really not a good thing that you feel embarrassed or self-conscious though! Maybe you think he is too good looking? Maybe you feel he loves you so much that you feel you have to be perfect in the bedroom and this is making you feel these things?

I really dont know, I'm just throwing a few things out there!

You sound fairly stressed about this OP, maybe you could even bring bits if it up with himself?

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies.

@gmac102 - yes I had figured it had something to do with the move alright because we were ok before, we used to have a lot of fun and now it feels like we're stressed all the time.

@Monkey61 - my greatest fears spoken aloud. I am terrified that this is it and I've done lots of soul searching about this. I too had a previous relationship where this happened and I'm trying to compare them to see if that's actually the case but it's different. With my previous boyfriend, sex was 'tortuous' I think someone said (great word). But with my fiance, it's not, it's great, my problem is getting into the mood in the first place and then being able to let go, without feeling self-conscious.

@thefireinside - I have asked myself that question and i really believe I do fancy him, I look at him and i think to myself, wow, and every now and again it's like I want to jump on him, but i'm too shy or I'm afraid he'll judge or think bad of me! It's like I've lost that confidence.

I think that a large part of this is to do with how I see myself at the moment. I had a good job in ireland and was quite successful and I really made that into my identity. Then the company shut down and we had to move abroad for work (my fiance got a job abroad) and now I feel like my self-worth is completely shaken.

I bind my job success so closely to my personal esteem. I got a fairly ok job about a month ago but i'm new, i don't know the ropes and I feel completely lost and unsuccessful. I am used to being a bit of an expert in my job (was in my last place since college) so I'm a bit at sea now and I feel like the admiration and respect I got from my work place and fiance is not there anymore. Stupid.