How normal / common is this?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unreg.

This isnt really a relationship issue, more something id like a general opinion on, thats why I'm posting it here.

Just wondering how normal or common it is for guys in relationships to comment on how attractive other women are? (same for vice versa)
And would it typically be something that a partner would get annoyed over.

Made up examples: Talking to a woman at a social event youre both at and then commenting to your partner later on how pretty she was.
Or getting stopped by a female guard and when telling the story to your partner later recall how attractive the guard was.
Or doing a life drawing class and commenting afterwards on how gorgeous the girls body was etc...

From looking at my parents relationship say, my dad would never really speak like that about any women, not even just in front of my mum, and I guess its either because he doesnt really notice, or out of respect for my mum. (nor would my mum)
Same goes for most other relationships I know of.

So yeah, I'm just looking for general feedback really, so that I know what the norm is.

Colonel_McCoy

I have never made comments like that to my gf or ex fgs. Neither have they ........sounds like a wandering eye!

Magicmatilda

My boyfriend doesn't do this. i'm sure he thinks that other women are attractive but he would never start saying it to me. If he did I would assume he was trying to break my self esteem. To make me feel bad about myself. I just wouldn't go out with a guy who did this because I wuld find it hurtful and I don't want to be with a man who knowingly hurts me or is so insensitive that he can't see that it would hurt me.

Ickle Magoo

Is this a personal issue for you OP? This is an advice forum so without knowing if this is an issue it's very difficult to offer any advice because what I consider normal or okay isn't necessarily going to be the same for everyone else...it's really between the two parties of the relationship what is the norm for them.

If you want a discussion on other peoples views of norms perhaps The Gentleman's Club or Humanities would suit better?

username123

My husband and I may both comment on someone being attractive that we encounter at the same time - both sexes. So perhaps (a recent example), on holidays the guy checking us into the hotel, as we walked away we both commented on how handsome he was, mixed in with how well mannered he was and how good his english was.

He would be highly unlikely to come home and start talking specifically about how attractive some woman he had encountered during the day was, but if we were talking about someone I hadnt met he may say something like 'she is a lovely looking girl, long hair, tall etc...' or I may do similar or if either of us happened to encounter someone seriously stunning we may say it to the other person later on.

But the context would always be similar to that of discussing anything in our mutual environments - it wouldnt be a sole focus on another persons attractiveness with any kind of undertones of fancying that person. It would be respectful, an observation of attractiveness (usually complimentary to the person being commented on - but occasionally the opposite - like 'wouldnt such and such be so much better looking if they hadnt gotten their face tattooed/shaved their head etc').

I wouldnt have any personal self esteem issues if my husband mentioned he had encountered an attractive woman, no more so than I would if a female friend told me she had encountered an attractive woman - it simply wouldnt occur to me to compare myself to some imagined attractive woman or to assume that my husband was making a mental comparison - Id just assume he has eyes, he notices people around him and to comment on their good looks is no different than commenting on their nice car or cute dog or whatever - just noticing a nice thing and saying 'isnt that nice?'.

I am aware though that sometimes people can make these comments in a more sinister way, and use it to damage someone elses self esteem or make them jealous etc... I did have a bf in the past who would make comments like that in a 'taunting' way - sort of implying 'she is lovely, look at the state of you'. He was the one with the self esteem issues though.

I think it depends on the relationship, the nature of the comments, the context of the comments, and perhaps on the natural affinity for a particular individual to notice and comment on things in their environment - some people dont really notice too much around them or if they do they dont mention it, others notice and talk about everything.

I wouldnt say theres any 'norm', Id say its different for everyone based on context etc.

LegacyUser

I think that's really disrespectful to you. You should tell him straight out although he mightn't understand and get defensive, or else just comment on it the next time he does it. Just say "why on earth do you think I'm interested in hearing about how attractive you find other women?". Alternatively I would counter attack. Everytime he comments that some girl is pretty I would respond with (and it doesn't have to be true!) "Oh speaking of good looking this new guy started in work and he his drop dead gorgeous with the body of Adonis" or "I got chatting to a guy at the gym today who has got to be the funniest / smartest person I've ever met".

But seriously, giving him a taste of his own medicine is just immature and game playing so probably best to use the direct approach.

IMO, it's not ok that he does this and it is ok that it upsets you.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Is this a personal issue for you OP? This is an advice forum so without knowing if this is an issue it's very difficult to offer any advice because what I consider normal or okay isn't necessarily going to be the same for everyone else...it's really between the two parties of the relationship what is the norm for them.

If you want a discussion on other peoples views of norms perhaps The Gentleman's Club or Humanities would suit better?

Yes I suppose it is a personal issue.
Its related to one particular married couple I know where the man has and does make comments about other women, I've been there when he has.
Sometimes its even a woman on an add on tv, he'll just say "she's a very pretty lady".
It makes me feel uncomfortable and bad for his wife.
Im trying to gage if this is a strange issue *I* have, or if Im right to think its not the norm.

LegacyUser

It's perfectly normal and only bothersome for someone who's insecure.

I'd often remark on an attractive lady and my wife, ditto on a handsome man. Doesn't bother either of us in the slightest as we are both perfectly secure in our relationship.

tannytantans

My husband would often comment on good looking women, and I would comment if i saw a good looking man. Not so much people we know but all the time about people on TV. I don't think there's anything wrong with it - neither of us are going to run off with the person in question!If we didn't say it aloud we'd still be thinking it!

Likewise I'd often say to hubby - 'she's very good looking, isn't she?'. Sometimes he'll agree, sometimes diagree.

I think it depends on the couple in question and if they're comfortable with it. OP, if the wife in question here isn't comfortable, she should mention it to her husband and ask him to keep his thoughts to himself!

lace

I wouldn't see any harm in this. Everyone notices good looking people. I point out pretty girls to my boyfriend all the time in a "that waitress was so pretty, wasn't she?" kind of way. I don't go out of my way to talk about men I fancy but he does rent the odd bad movie just so I can gawk at my favourite actor.

Similarly, he doesn't go out of his way to point out other women but if we both notice someone attractive he will comment on it. It doesn't bother me if he points out pretty women because I usually notice them too.

I don't feel threatened by it or think it's disrespectful towards me. It's just the truth. I know I couldn't possibly be the only woman he finds attractive and I don't expect to be treated as though I am. It's not as though he's saying "I really want to cheat on you with that woman". He's just saying "that person looks good" in the same way he'd point out a nice car or an interesting painting.

Acoshla

Myself and my boyfriend say things like that all the time, watching tv, on a night out, etc. If either of us see attractive women we tell the other one to have a look Pretty women are pretty and generally stylish so I like to have a look at them too, I appreciate their beauty! I also say if a guy is hot, just yesterday I called boyfriend to tell him I had gotten a business phonecall from an old school crush and that I was like a teenager on the phone, he just thought it was funny, no harm in it.

As mentioned just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean we no longer see other people that are good looking, we've chosen each other so the rest is just idle chat, like if we saw a nice car!

Taltos

hownormal wrote: »

Yes I suppose it is a personal issue.
Its related to one particular married couple I know where the man has and does make comments about other women, I've been there when he has.
Sometimes its even a woman on an add on tv, he'll just say "she's a very pretty lady".
It makes me feel uncomfortable and bad for his wife.
Im trying to gage if this is a strange issue *I* have, or if Im right to think its not the norm.

In fairness now - what goes on between another married couple is none of your business. It might make you feel uncomfortable but unless this is somehow aimed towards you then I think you are better off keeping your reactions to yourself.

As noted above different couples behave differently - you can never say all couples must do X Y Z...

ElleEm

Taltos wrote: »

In fairness now - what goes on between another married couple is none of your business. It might make you feel uncomfortable but unless this is somehow aimed towards you then I think you are better off keeping your reactions to yourself.

As noted above different couples behave differently - you can never say all couples must do X Y Z...

This.

Every couple is different. I have friends that would break up with their boyfriends of they said they found someone attractive.

Myself and my boyfriend will say if someone lovely is on the telly. Sometimes I spot girls he will fancy before he will, and we have a joke about it.

It's naive to think that when you're in a relationship you stop finding others attractive. It's also silly to feel that this should be kept a secret.

Piglet85

ElleEm wrote: »

This.

Every couple is different. I have friends that would break up with their boyfriends of they said they found someone attractive.

Myself and my boyfriend will say if someone lovely is on the telly. Sometimes I spot girls he will fancy before he will, and we have a joke about it.

It's naive to think that when you're in a relationship you stop finding others attractive. It's also silly to feel that this should be kept a secret.

+1

Myself and my boyfriend don't hide it if we see someone we think is attractive. It's a bit of fun more than anything; he will tell me and vice versa, but it's not a problem because we're 100% secure in our relationship. I never, ever think that he would rather be with one of those women than with me, and he knows I feel that way about him too. We have a very honest relationship, and it's not realistic to think that we'd never fancy anyone else, so we'd rather just be open and have a laugh about it. Those conversations usually just turns into us flirting with each other in the end anyway!

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

In fairness now - what goes on between another married couple is none of your business. It might make you feel uncomfortable but unless this is somehow aimed towards you then I think you are better off keeping your reactions to yourself.

As noted above different couples behave differently - you can never say all couples must do X Y Z...

Ok - I never said I wasn't keeping my reactions to myself... ???
I never said I was saying anything to this couple, so I dont know the reason for your response...

Also, I know different couples behave differently, thats the reason I posted here, because I've seen it.
And I do not in any way think that all couples MUST do x,y,z?????
I simply wanted to know what the "norm" is considered to be...

Auldloon

I have done this in past relationship's and it wasn't a problem. In my current relationship my partner hates it and finds it disrespectful towards her so after she spoke to me about it once or 3 times I stopped. It was just a matter of breaking a habit nothing more than that.