Friend Going Off The Rails

Shoe Lover

Hi All,

I need some advice about a friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a very long time, since we were 12 – we are now in our late 20’s. All through school & college, we were very close, spent a lot of time together hanging out etc.

When we were 18, her younger brother died. I think this was obviously a very hard thing for her to deal with and she is not a very open person. She wouldn’t tell you what she is feeling etc. But at the time, she had a long term boyfriend who she confided in and she seemed to move on with her life, although obviously, she never got over losing him – I don’t think you ever would.

A year ago (possibly longer), herself and the boyfriend broke up and she moved into a flat on her own. Since then, it seems that she is completely going off the rails. She hangs around with a lot of girls from work who are in their early 20’s and seem to have one goal in life – drink themselves silly. She is also doing a lot of hash. She is bringing home random strangers every weekend. She recently told one of our friends that she had slept with 6 men in the space of two and a half weeks.

Quite frankly, I’m very worried about her. She seems to have completely distanced herself from our group. She will never send any one of us a text to catch up; there are only five of us in our group and we regularly meet up for a cuppa and a catch up, but she has never organised one of these, yet she is always included when someone else organises one. We are all really at the end of our tether with her. One of our friends just had a baby and throughout her pregnancy, my friend did not text her once to see how she was, even though she was quite ill through most of it. And when we do meet up, she goes on and on about how crap her life is, she never ever asks how anyone else is doing. I don’t know is it because she feels left out, the rest of us all have long term partners and other commitments – does she feel that we have no time for her? And yet, if you meet her on the street and she is with one of her work friends, she will practically ignore you as though we are not “cool” enough for her – as childish as that sounds, it is the only way I can think of describing her behaviour.

I’m meeting her on Sunday for a cup of tea, just the two of us and I really want to say something to her, but to be honest, I have no idea how to go about because, as I’ve said, she is not the most open person in the world and I am not the best person for confrontations! I really think she has major issues, possibly stemming from the death of her brother, as I don’t think she took time to grieve properly for him. I really think she needs to speak to a councillor or someone. In a nutshell, I miss my old friend, who I could call up and spend two hours on the phone too, talking about everything and anything, I miss the fun we had. I'm not alone in thinking this, I know that my other friends feel the same. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Thanks for reading.

Kadongy

Yes I've been in similar situations. It's sh!t.
Some people define themselves by the people around them I think. She sounds like that. A different person altogether when not with her bf any more.
Don't really have any advice. Nothing you can do really. You can't force someone to be nice or decent, you can only avoid having much to do with them if they're not.
Fine and easy if you're talking about someone you've only just met. When you're talking about someone you're close to and have known most of your life it's pretty horrible though.

Taltos

I think you need to stop making excuses for her.

Just accept that for now she is the way she is - a prat.
Now - do you want a prat in your life?
Personally I think I would bail on the coffee unless I was reasonably sure I could get through - or I just wanted to know I had tried enough - but I think I would be starting to move on with my life and friendships without this one-time friend...

dearg lady

I dunno, perhaps you guys have just grown apart, I don't think she's done anything so terrible, these things do happen. It's also quite common for someone to go 'off the rails' after a break up. Am I correct in saying she was with her boyfrined for over 10 years? Quite possibly she's catching up on what she feels she's missed out on.
Fair play to you for bein so concerned, my advice would be to voice your concerns but don't sound too preachy and then just be there for her if she needs you.

Pigeon Reaper

Try talking to her and express your concerns about how she is acting. Be careful not to judge her and make it clear that you're bringing up the subject out of concern. If she wants to talk about it she will, If she doesn't that is her choice. She may also ignore you or act defensively. Just ensure that you don't end up in a confrontation. If this occurs just walk away. Some people change over time and this may be happening here in which case you might have to reappraise your relationship.

Shoe Lover

dearg lady wrote: »

Am I correct in saying she was with her boyfrined for over 10 years?

No, it was more like 6 years. I think I'll just try and broach the subject with her and see how it goes. I'm not too confident to be honest, I kinda feel that it's a lost cause. I suppose I just want to make sure that I have done the best I possibly can to sustain the friendship. I just don't want to throw 15 years of friendship there without having tried to get through to her.

Darlughda

Sometimes we need the space to make our own mistakes.

Give her space.

Having said that, I know that honesty is crucial if a friendship is real. Meet her. Tell her how you feel. Say what you want. Then give her space.

In the future, she may come back. In fact, she is more likely to do so, if you are honest with her now, then walk away from her, letting her live her life as she wants and maybe needs to do so now.

Friendships change over years, and loyalty is the most important glue. If you can be honest with her now, yet walk away, in the future you will be able to resume your friendship on a new, and even better ground.

Shoe Lover

Shoe Lover wrote: »

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Often. I deal and work with lots of people who are not happy with their life and go off the rails as a reaction to it. As such I am sorry I did not reply to your post before your sunday meeting but I do hope you come back to tell us how it went.

The advice I would have given is that it is no problem that you are no good at confrontations because a confrontation is the last thing you want to do. People rarely appreciate them and react against them.

The first step to the solution of most problems is for the person to admit they have a problem and need help. This is something you can not do for them. In your situation therefore - since the girl in question does often say her life is crap - is to keep dropping in comments in reply to that like "Yes, it does sound a bit crap - and I imagine all the drinking and shagging you are doing is a reaction to that - but if you ever want to get it back on track then I am certainly here to help".

Keep dropping in comments of this nature - but only when offered an "in" such as when she says her life is crap etc. and make it clear that you are there if and when she decides to ask for your help. Never foist your help on her, but make it clear it is there.

If she does ever ask for it then come back to us as I am sure many of us will have lots of advice on things to do. Most of my own will focus on keeping the girl busy and engaged - in non alcoholic and non sexual situations - preferably situations that involve personal challange and improvement such as excercise, education and entertainment.

Distorted

Shoe Lover wrote: »

A year ago (possibly longer), herself and the boyfriend broke up and she moved into a flat on her own. Since then, it seems that she is completely going off the rails. She hangs around with a lot of girls from work who are in their early 20’s and seem to have one goal in life – drink themselves silly. She is also doing a lot of hash. She is bringing home random strangers every weekend. She recently told one of our friends that she had slept with 6 men in the space of two and a half weeks.

If you think thats going off the rails, I can only conclude that you have a very strict view of how people should behave. Its pretty much how many girls in their late twenties behave, maybe a little bit excessive but not completey going crazy. You also don't know exactly what she is doing and whether or not you are exaggerating or she is to shock you (I don't behave like this but you honestly sound so disapproving I'd understand the temptation to shock you). Maybe she just wants to live a bit before she settles down? It might not be the way you (or I) would choose to live our lives, but I'd hardly say it was a matter for counselling in order to make her fit into some Stepford-Wife-esque model. And is being friends with people in their early twenties when she is in her late twenties really worthy of remarking on at all?

You keep mentioning her brother, which unless she has mentioned him to you, is a bit of an imposition. People die, people lose parents, it doesn't necessarily mean you can assume this has caused them to "go off the rails".

Maybe she doesn't contact your group so much now because she finds you all a bit boring, and she prefers having fun with other people who know how to have fun?

iguana

Distorted wrote: »

Maybe she doesn't contact your group so much now because she finds you all a bit boring, and she prefers having fun with other people who know how to have fun?

She may also find being around people who are very settled when she has just lost that lifestyle too painful. She might have been hoping to have a baby with her ex and being in contact with a pregnant friend may upset her enough to knock her off her stride. I mean come on, when you do see her she tells you repeatedly how unhappy she is. Tbh, you all sound quite insensitive to how she is feeling and how the differences in your lifestyles may be highlighting her unhappiness to her.

IrishEyes19

Distorted wrote: »

If you think thats going off the rails, I can only conclude that you have a very strict view of how people should behave. Its pretty much how many girls in their late twenties behave, maybe a little bit excessive but not completey going crazy. You also don't know exactly what she is doing and whether or not you are exaggerating or she is to shock you (I don't behave like this but you honestly sound so disapproving I'd understand the temptation to shock you). Maybe she just wants to live a bit before she settles down? It might not be the way you (or I) would choose to live our lives, but I'd hardly say it was a matter for counselling in order to make her fit into some Stepford-Wife-esque model. And is being friends with people in their early twenties when she is in her late twenties really worthy of remarking on at all?

You keep mentioning her brother, which unless she has mentioned him to you, is a bit of an imposition. People die, people lose parents, it doesn't necessarily mean you can assume this has caused them to "go off the rails".

Maybe she doesn't contact your group so much now because she finds you all a bit boring, and she prefers having fun with other people who know how to have fun?

:eek: Eh, dissing your close friends, doing a fair bit of hash and sleeping around is fun :eek: Jesus, I know they say let loose in your twenties but leg yourself go to hell.......is another matter.
I can honestly say and Im in my early twenties, I have never, and will never do a lot of hash, sleep with six guys in two weeks, drink myself stupid ALL the time and ignore my once close friends for no reason. I know the twenties are for fun, but that sounds like a lethal combination if you ask me.
Neither does or has any of my friends. So no way in hell is that how most twenty somethings act. Some do, but most?????????? eh no.

OP, I would meet up for coffee, but be prepared not to be listened to. The girl sounds very troubled at the moment. People change for all types of reasons, but the fact that you care is very touching, but dont allow yourself to be drawn into the misery. Are you close to her family, a sister or mother might be a good place to start if you are very concerned.

Distorted

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

:eek: Eh, dissing your close friends, doing a fair bit of hash and sleeping around is fun :eek: Jesus, I know they say let loose in your twenties but leg yourself go to hell.......is another matter.
I can honestly say and Im in my early twenties, I have never, and will never do a lot of hash, sleep with six guys in two weeks, drink myself stupid ALL the time and ignore my once close friends for no reason. I know the twenties are for fun, but that sounds like a lethal combination if you ask me.
Neither does or has any of my friends. So no way in hell is that how most twenty somethings act. Some do, but most?????????? eh no.

Me neither, but I know people who do and they hold down responsible jobs and pretty much always settle down early thirties. And you know what? Most of them are a breath of fresh air. I've also got a few friends who have babies or are getting married and quite a few of them have turned into insufferable bores. Unless its your own kid, theres only so much baby talk a person can take. Ditto wedding talk. I also can't see what difference it makes if its your early or late twenties. In fact, I would say late twenties is a bit early for the settling down thing, and I'd be scared of waking up one day and feeling I'd missed out on having fun when I was younger.

Also OP, have you not considered that because she is single, she is trying to meet a new guy, and she is more likely to do so going out with a group of single girls than meeting her settled friends for endless cups of tea (perhaps being set up on a nightmare blind date with your male friend that no-one else wants).

As I say, its not my choice, but if that sort of behaviour requires counselling, then most of the female population at my university would have been in need of counselling, strange since many of them are now working successfully as doctors, lawyers, dentists, accountants, etc..

Shoe Lover

Hi All,

OP here. Thank you for all of your comments, most of them were helpful. I spoke with my friend on Sunday and then based on what she had said, myself and another friend met up with her yesterday for a proper chat. I really can't get in to what she said to us because it is all very raw today and I'm really very very worried about her.

But thank you all for your advice - it was much appreciated.

Wompa1

Most girls I've known have had lots of random sex and drugs in their early 20's...is it all that worrying? or is that it doesn't conform to your group?