Should i care?

LegacyUser

ok just wondering if anyone can throw an opinion my way. going out with a girl 6 years we are both mid 20's. We both have had Bf/Gf's before we met each other and we both have "got it on" with our ex's- everything except sex. we both have only ever had sex with each other- and i kinda liked we had lost our virginity with each other. The only issue is i now have picked up from her i think she has lied to me and she may have had sex with one of these lads- well attempted to anyway. Its kinda crushed me, so i'm wondering should i care or let it go?

Firetrap

Your post is a little bit unclear. When do you reckon your girlfriend slept or may have slept with her ex? Since she was with you?

evry1sm8

I think he means before him, as in lost her virginity to someone else...

Emm I dont know really OP, if it was me I guess Id feel a little weird about it too, if I had previously thought we were both each others firsts.
Have you asked her outright whether she had sex with him?
Why do you have a suspicion now?
I would only be bothered if she had lied to me about it purposely, other then that its not too big of a deal I think.

Chinafoot

kickintheballs wrote: »

The only issue is i now have picked up from her i think she has lied to me and she may have had sex with one of these lads- well attempted to anyway.

Well if she "attempted to" have sex with someone before she met you but didn't succeed for whatever reason then she was still a virgin when she slept with you.

You'll probably have to provide more information for posters to give you proper advice though.

minidazzler

OP, you are the one sleeping with her now. None of her exes, you. So really, you can't get bad about this, you should really let it go.

LegacyUser

This can become a relationship breaker if you let it become a really big thing for you. Remember for her nothing has changed, what baggage she had before she came into the relationship is still the same, For you you've discovered that something happened/may have happened in her past and she had made you believe she was more innocent that she actually is.
Here's the questions you need to ask yourself. What was her motivation for holding back the information, could it be that she felt you'd treat her differently and maybe dump her, after 6 years it's clear the girl really likes you and maybe just wanted to put her past behind her.
Is it your male ego which is creating the problem for you, how do you actually feel about her inside. Do you love her and are you willing to spoil your relationship over something from the past prior to you. Also keep in mind that if you end the relationship you'll eventually start another relationship with the very same baggage.
As you get older you'll find it more difficult to find someone who has no history...

Interrogation of someone over and over again about their past changes a relationship, it shows a lack of trust and insecurity. Can you handle this and just accept her for who she is and let it go? If you pick away at the scab she may get very turned off about the hostility it is causing and you may find her dumping you.
The night you lost your virginity to her, if she had told you then that it wasn't her first time would you have walked away or would you have still slept with her? Think about that, would you have embarked on a long term relationship with her or slept with her and left it as a one night stand...and what sort of baggage would that have given you?

I'm speaking from experience, I'm a male, fell in love, lost my virginity to the girl I loved, then after a few drinks one night she decided to be honest about her past and told me she had slept with a friend...a sort of one night stand...this ate me up inside, I gave her hat terrible time over it and we split. To this day I regret not being mature enough to accept it, I just couldn't accept I wasn't her first and now at this point in my life I see how silly it all was. It was my own ego creating an issue. Remember people fall in love all the time, I even have friends who have fallen for someone who already has had a child, married them and are very happy together.

It's all about what value you place on her virginity and whether you feel her holding back the details was to give you a chance to develop as a couple, was she scared to tell you because she realised how important it was to you!
Personally I don't think it's important provided you trust her and love her, I wish you both luck and would love to hear that you've continued as a couple.

LegacyUser

She has told me more information about a night she was with her boyfriend, he had a condom on and she refused, when i asked how she said no- she said she was tempted to, which she had told me before she went mad at him. I then quizzed her a litlle more and i knew she had tried to have sex with him and i dont think it worked out. I know this guy and have been out a few times with him, the taught he had sex with my girlfriend kills me. She has now gone back to swearing it didnt happen- but i know she was hinting to me what happened and now she's realised i'd be hurt so she is denying it.

Given some time i'll be fine.

I am a friend

So did she have sex with him or not?

The big problem here is that she can't be totally honest with you. It seems like she can't / won't tell the truth because your reaction is so over the top. Are you annoyed over the lying or is it just jealousy that she was intimate with this guy you know...

Jam

This is why I never inquire about ex-boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned I am the only man she has ever really been with. Asking can only ever lead to two possibilities: you learn something you didn't want to know, or you come across as an insecure little prick.
Although, OP, I'm not accusing you the latter.

I'd say let it go, it's a small thing in her past that she may or may not have lied about to make you feel a little bit more special. Have you ever lied to make her feel special? Gotten the afternoon of work unexpectedly, and then gone home and told her you faked a sickie because you were thinking of her?

LegacyUser

Ok, i dont know if she did or didnt and i'll never be 100% certain. She swears the fact i know this guy she wouldnt lie to me as he could be going around saying he banged her and everyone but me would know. I'm out with him a bit so if he did try to have sex with her it'd annoy me. looking at his smug face. The only thing is she broke up with him and he was broken hearted, to a point where people thought he could be suicidal. So its a little awkward when we see him anyway. I dont think anyone likes the idea of the GF/BF having see with anyone else- but its worse when you know the guy/ girl.

I am a friend

"banged her"

Charming turn of phrase...

Op you sound so possessive it's scary. I dont think she feels she can tell you the truth...

ElleEm

Whatever it was, it was over 6 yrs ago- get over it!

trio

After 6 years of a relationship you're reacting like this?? It makes it sound like the whole 6 years count for nothing when you're reacting like this.

I'm kinda bothered by your reaction. I'm sure she is horrified by it - hence the backtracking. I feel sorry for her - she thought after 6 years together you could handle the idea that she was tempted by having sex with a guy when she was a teenager (but possibly didn't actually even seal the deal) and instead you're looking at her like it's all been a lie.

Poor girl. You're acting like she's spoiled goods or something. After 6 years of sharing everything.......

Chinafoot

kickintheballs wrote: »

Ok, i dont know if she did or didnt and i'll never be 100% certain.

Why does it matter? Seriously, you've been with her for the last 6 years. Why does it matter?

kickintheballs wrote: »

She swears the fact i know this guy she wouldnt lie to me as he could be going around saying he banged her and everyone but me would know. I'm out with him a bit so if he did try to have sex with her it'd annoy me. looking at his smug face.

His "smug" face? Are you for real? You say you're mid-twenties OP but this all sounds incredibly teenagery. Taking this girl's virginity isn't some sort of contest ffs. Are you annoyed because he had sex before you did or what?

kickintheballs wrote: »

The only thing is she broke up with him and he was broken hearted, to a point where people thought he could be suicidal. So its a little awkward when we see him anyway. I dont think anyone likes the idea of the GF/BF having see with anyone else- but its worse when you know the guy/ girl.

If you don't like the idea of your girlfriend being intimate with other men before she was with you why on earth did you "quiz" her the way you did? Her previous encounters are absolutely none of your business and you have no right to feel annoyed about her past. It's been 6 years ffs! How is this a problem for you?

Let this go before you push her away.

Midnight Sundance

This exact same episode was on How I Met Your Mother this week...

Lilly admitted to Marshall he "may " not have been the first . They were on their way to the top of the empire state building and used it as a eumphanism for playing around.
Anyways, what I'm getting at is, they both realised that many people visited the state building everyday but never go to the top ,Marshall n Lilly went to the top together for their first times. Anyways, what I'm saying is,
Ye both love each other and you'll wreck your head / relationship if you don't move on from this!

fungun

in response to the title 'should you care?'

No. It was 6 years ago. And unless you want to scare her into thinking she has a psycho possessive boyfriend, Id stop bringing it up.

Firetrap

If you let this get to you, worrying about seeing her ex will be the least of your problems. Don't let it poison your relationship. Most people's other halves have pasts. So what? She's with you now. Does it matter if you weren't her first lover? You sound like a dog marking its territory.