I have a second date, how will I manage with my inexperience and problems?

LegacyUser

I had a date last weekend with a girl I met on an internet dating site. From my point of view, it went well. We have quite a bit in common and during our date (we went out for dinner) there were no real awkward silences and we chatted happily away. I really fancy this girl and I would like to move things forward. I sent a text to her the next day saying that I enjoyed our time together and would like to meet her again if she was interested. She replied saying that she would like that, and that she was free next weekend. As it stands I am to meet up with her on Saturday, although we haven’t got anything specific organised yet.

All of this seems fine, but here’s the problem. I have no experience with women whatsoever, am still a virgin and I haven’t even kissed a girl. Considering I am 28 it’s a major problem and I know how strange people are going to think it is. I have social anxiety disorder and this can go a large part of the way in explaining how I got to this point. Most of my life I have been caught up in dealing with my problems and it has only been in the last year or so that I have got some sort of handle on things of a social nature when I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and got a bit of help. I still have issues though and the only way I am going to get over my problems is exposing myself to things that I want in my life that my anxiety has thus far prevented me from experiencing.

Generally developing relationships and friendships is where I have the greatest difficulty. I am successful in my professional life but don’t really have any friends and my social life is nonexistent. I have people at work that I get on well but none of these friendships have developed beyond the workplace. I have tended to distance myself from people in the past and that is my main problem and I’m trying to get a handle on it now. Since I don’t have any friends its years since I have gone on a night out. As I have no social life or work with any women I don’t have any contact with women day to day and developing a relationship wasn’t going to happen until I forced the issue.

After procrastinating about doing it for a good while, I joined a dating site a month ago and I now find myself in this situation with this girl and I am kind of petrified. Everything in this situation is new to me and my anxiety is sky high. On our first date there was nothing physical, I didn’t even give her a peck on the cheek when we were parting ways at the end of the night. I kind of chickened out of doing even that and I know I will not get away with it next time out or it is game over. I am quite comfortable in her presence generally though which is unusual for me considering how attracted I am to her. I am more scared about kissing her that anything else mainly because I have never been that physically close to anyone. For most people kissing someone is no big deal but when you have avoided doing something that you should have done when you were 12, it becomes a big deal. If I was able to cover up the fact that I hadn’t kissed anyone before that would be a small victory. I’m afraid that it’s going to be obvious though and that my awkwardness and anxiety gets in the way. I overanalyse everything and I end up searching for answers to questions that a 10 year old would ask about such things considering my complete lack of experience. The basic mechanics of engineering a situation where I could kiss her and then dealing with basic stuff such as our considerable height difference (as it relates to kissing her) are some of the stupid stuff that’s on my mind. I feel pretty pathetic when I think about it. Actually if I could get over that initial physical intimacy barrier I think I would be less anxious having sex when the time comes, be it with her or someone else. I think sex is not going to be on the cards with this girl for a while anyway, if we get there, which will give me time to get my head around the other stuff first. I don’t know how revealing that I am a virgin would go down though.

The other thing that bothers me most is how do explain my lack of friends and a social life. Would I be best to tell the truth, a watered down version of the truth or go the dishonest route and make up some sort of lie or excuse. People often judge people by the company they keep, I don’t keep company with anyone, what would this say about me? I fear that the truth would send any sensible girl running for the hills. I have distanced myself from people in the past for this reason and have made it virtually my life’s work to cover this up. No one knows and I have told a sh*t-load of lies to keep it this way, which I often feel very guilty for.

gerryk

Level with her. Let her know that you have, in the past, felt anxious around social situations, but are working on it. Let her know that if you do appear distant, or awkward or any other of the potential issues that could be misread, that ths anxiety is behind it.

Here's a secret though... we all experience anxiety, but it's up to you how much you let it determine how you live your life. You are obviously taking control over this, and that's a hugely positive thing.

Don't burden yourself with how the relationship may progress... live more in the present. Most of not all of your worries are no more than that, and will likely never materialise, and, even if they do... no matter, life's little hiccups are quickly forgotten.

ash23

I don't know that it would be a great idea to land this on her on a second date. It's a lot to take in.

my advice would be to go on the date and see how it goes. Then go on a third date and a fourth and so on. Take it one date at a time. You don't have to go for an all out snog on the next date. Maybe try giving her a peck on the cheek and a lingering hug. If it feels right then kiss her or she might kiss you. Don't put too much emphasis on the kiss (easier said than done). It's actually pretty easy to get the hang of, especially when you fancy the person and are comfortable with them.

If it gets to the stage where you are getting to being an actual item then explain it.
Don't do it right away. It may colour her judgement of you. Let her get to know you first and form an opinion of you without putting all this in her head.

solovely

I agree with Ash23 that it would not be a good idea to burden all of this on her immediately, not that you have anything at all to be ashamed of. It's just nice to keep things simple at the start. You can tell her that you are shy, that you're not a big fan of the pub scene, that you have lost contact over the years with school friends, stuff like that, not lies as such, and all very normal.

As for the kissing thing, I know it's easy to say it'll all feel natural when it comes, but that's easier said than done. Even when it feels amazing and right and for people who've kissed hundreds of people, there's always a bit of awkwardness with a first kiss (unless you're hammered....don't be!!), so don't feel bad about that. It can be magical and awkward at the same time.

My advice would be to get slowly physical if you do feel you really fancy her, i.e. when you are talking on your date, move closer to her, maybe your bodies will touch automatically if you are sitting beside each other. Brush your hand off her leg (without going in for a big feel), put your hand on her elbow as she speaks, little things like that. In that way, you will feel physically a bit easier in her presence and it will feel more natural when you lean in for the kiss. Have you decided where to have the date yet? Where did you go on your first date? Tapas or something like that can be quite fun and intimate or out for a walk somewhere? Chances are for a kiss like this, it will be just as she's about to get into a taxi home. Ideally it would be somewhere sitting down, where you won't have to worry about the height difference, but it's most likely it will be on the street as she waits for a taxi, so it won't last too long, but hopefully long enough to enjoy. You can go in for a hug, and then say you'd really like to kiss her (if she hasn't already initiated it) and then lean in for a bit more and it will come natural once you lock heads!!

Good luck. Let us know how you get on now!!!

gypsy_rose

First of all ,well done on getting this far OP!

Second of all, and maybe this isn't what people would agree with, but why not just, roll with it?

You seem to have problems socially, that's fine, lots of people do. But you get on grand with her. There's not going to be anyone else there except you and her. Why not just pick up where you left off on the first date and just not worry about it? She only knows what you tell her! Maybe wait until you're a bit more established before telling her these things?

As regards kissing, trust me on this one, just let it happen. Maybe just give her a little kiss on the cheek and see how she responds? And if you want to kiss her just do it! Less is more, and honestly you really have to be quite over the top to be a bad kisser!

Don't let yourself worry about it, just relax and have fun, you know she likes you and you like her so bar something going spectacularly wrong, most of the hard work is done

Miss Fluff

Hon I don't think you are giving yourself credit where it's due. You went out for dinner with this girl, spent the evening with her and she is interested in seeing you again - good work I think that's so great for someone who has had a hard time socially.

I think you write eloquently so if you speak as well as you write I'd say you are sparkling company.

I don't think you need to purge yourself of everything on your mind. Why would you? You need to take baby steps and live for the moment and enjoy the second date. Don't ruin it for yourself by feeling compelled to excuse every facet of your being or circumstance of your life.

She is taking you at face value for now so let her. And I mean that in the nicest possible way

As far as snogging goes, do a search under "how to kiss" under Google or Youtube and you should get a few little pointers.

I hope it goes well for you

I am a friend

Great advice from ms fluff and 100% true. The only thing I can add to it is enjoy yourself

borabora

Hi OP. As others have said well done on securing a second date. That says it all really - she likes you! Exciting stuff. And it says a lot that you're this comfortable in her presence at this early stage.

No need to get into any major explanations about your past sociability or lack of it. If it comes up just say that you're a bit shy! No shame in a couple of white glossing-over type lies here I think, but that's just my opinion.

In regards to the kissing and possible sex down the road, relax. Way easier said than done I know but honestly, as a woman, standards (compared to my preferences) vary so widely that she would never know unless you told her that it was your first time doing whatever. With regards to the first kiss just take it slow, and copy and react to what she does! It's a dance. If you are both attracted to each other it's going to feel good regardless. Good luck OP! I think we're all rooting for you - let us know how you get on!

Soul Stretcher

OP- this is huge progress you have achieved
From being gripped by Social Anxiety Disorder to securing a second date with a woman you are really attracted to - well, in my opinion, that is just wow !

Personally (and this might sound weird), I believe all the past is is a collection of thoughts/memories - no more or no less. It has absolutely no bearing on your romantic life/future. Which one of us has lived the perfect life ? - no one. Perhaps your date has problems/issues herself. Don't assume that everyone else has better circumstances than you. Social Anxiety is a lot more common in Ireland than you would think in my opinion and may very well be the reason we drink so much.

That aside, this girl likes you for you as you are now. She doesn't like you for the 10 year old boy you were when you were 10 or the 60 year old man you will be. Life and your circumstances/history/issues (known and unknown) has put you here now. She likes what she sees. There is no need to rationalize it or try to understand it - I think our brains are incapable of that level of understanding anyway. Just enjoy it !

You wouldn't ask a person in a wheel-chair about the soccer teams they play for would you ? Similarly I wouldn't imagine asking a person who is going through a shy phase about their hectic social life. Everyone can't be everybody if you get me - as in being able to tick ALL the boxes.

Also - have you thought that maybe she finds your lack of social bravado endearing and attractive in itself ?

About the kissing thing/sex thing, I really think there are 1000s like you in that boat - I have some in my immediate family. So again - not as rare or freakish as you may feel it to be.

AND - the fact that you havn't started a sexual life yet could just as easily be looked on as a gift as something to be ashamed of - WHAT an adventure lies before you ! Instead of being a world-weary late twenties adult, you will have a world of fun and excitement open up in front of you - and you will have the self-knowledge, confidence and life experience to really enjoy it and not be a slave to peer pressure as lots of people are in their teens.

Enjoy and let us know how you get on !

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who responded and for the advice. I will try and reveal as little as possible about my social problems until I need to. There will probably come a point though where I will have to make a choice between explaining why I don’t have friends or a social life or her just thinking I’m weird or a loner. I will have to deal with that time when it comes.

I just want to make some reference to some of your comments. Some of you have said that I should tell her I am a bit shy. In fact I’m not really shy in most situations despite the fact that I have social anxiety disorder. Telling her that I am shy wouldn’t really be an accurate explanation. She wouldn’t have gotten that impression of me from our first date anyway. Once I am comfortable with someone my anxiety disappears and I can appear quite confident and outgoing. I have had friends/acquaintances and stuff in the past but I back off from people and I didn’t know why I was doing it until I was diagnosed. Often I do struggle talking to people I don’t know that well and don’t have much in common with however. Often there are two versions of me and they are completely at odds with each other.

Soul Stretcher wrote: »

AND - the fact that you havn't started a sexual life yet could just as easily be looked on as a gift as something to be ashamed of - WHAT an adventure lies before you ! Instead of being a world-weary late twenties adult, you will have a world of fun and excitement open up in front of you - and you will have the self-knowledge, confidence and life experience to really enjoy it and not be a slave to peer pressure as lots of people are in their teens.

I hadn’t really thought of it that way, thanks. Hopefully if I can get over this stuff there will be lots to really look forward to.

With regard to our next date, I’m still fairly anxious about the physical stuff. If I didn’t like her as much as I do, I wouldn’t be as anxious, as I don’t want to mess up things for that reason. I have been thinking about our next date all day and what to do. I came up with the idea of us going for a surfing lesson together, as something different. Although she’s a real girly girl she is really sporty also and into outdoor adventure stuff so I was pretty sure she would be up for it. The only thing being, that I live 2 hours drive from her and it’s also a bit of a drive for her, to where we would be doing it. We talked about the fact that neither us had gone surfing before, on our last date, so I thought it would be good to try something new, that we both expressed an interest in. The other idea that I had was that it might be a good way of giving me more opportunities to have some sort of physical contact with her than I would have if we went for dinner or something similar again. So I just texted her there with the idea and she thought it was a great idea and was looking forward to it. So hopefully it will turn out to be a good idea, fingers crossed.

Nulty

Can't add much to what already has been said here other than: glad to hear everything is starting to work out for you and as someone keeps telling me....what's for you, won't pass you by.