Just sick of it all

LegacyUser

I am an 18 year old guy and I am starting college in September and I am not looking forward to it one bit. I am worried, scared, alone and anxious.
To be honest with ye I haven't being really happy since 2005 when I finished primary school. I enjoyed my life back then I did have a few bad days but I was happy. I had a few friends I enjoyed school and I enjoyed meeting up with my friends.
Things began to change when I began secondary school. My best friend went to a different secondary school and I really missed him a lot. I didn't settle into first year at all. I found it really hard to make friends and then the bullying began. I had nothing going for me. I had no friends, I was a freak, I was ugly(people will say your not but I am I have being told this by family, people from school, teachers, girls), I wasn't smart so basically I had nothing going for me. The bullying got worse and worse so I isolated myself from everyone and had no friends.
I began skipping school because when I was at home no one could get at me.
Second year wasn't much better.
In 3rd year I sat beside a guy and we became friends. We still are but I rarely see him. I couldn't tell him how I am feeling because he wouldn't understand. I managed to pass my junior cert some how even after missing loads of school.
I then went onto Transition year which was optional I did because my friend was doing and I was getting away from a lot of people I didn't get on with. The year began and I got on with almost everyone and I had thought I made 5 or 6 new friends.
When I went into 5th year there were new people again the bullying got worse and the new friends just bulled me. I hated 5th year but I struggled through it.
I did the leaving cert this and I managed to get 260 and get a college course that I wanted.
However I am really nervous about college I am moving out of home and in with strangers and if I am treated bad I will be living with people that hurt me at least when I was at a school I could at least go home switch the phone off and isolate myself from every one and I knew I was safe. I could lock myself in my room and watch what ever I wanted on tv and I was sort of content. I enjoy woman programmes tv such as cooking programmes and soaps/x-factor. I like comedies as well.I enjoy cooking and this was another issue people had with me at school and I got mocked over it. I got called gay/etc.
I have never being on a night or even in a pub outside of stuff with families and I only have drank once. Going to college and never drank is pretty weird. I never drank because I was afraid that it would only make myself even more depressed.
So, at 18 I have no friends no social life and I am very social anxious. I get very nervous around people and I fell like they a mocking me.
Any advice please?

Daisy M

I would urge you to confide in your parents or someone you can trust. You need to start valuing yourself if you dont other people pick up on it. The bullying was terrible and I am sorry you wnet through that. Kids can be so cruel but that is what they were kids with no sense and because they could. Thhings will get better but you need to start this new phase in your life on a different note. Do not allow yourself to be mistreated under any circumstances. Remember that the people you are sharing a house with will have their own problems and worries noone is perfect. I have a 14 yr old son and secondary school has been an eye opener to me. The bots all give each other stick call each other names and say they are gay, apparently this is normal and my son said to me "I dont take jibes to heart anymore". Now this is the lad who in national school had big problems with another lad who picked on him and named called, my son took everything to heart then. It was a difficult time for us all but through it we learned. I got my son to be aware, when he was in a group of lads, of the insults they threw back and forth to each other. He realised it wasnt just him been the scapegoat for name calling/jibes, but that he took it personally which then gave the bully power and made things worse. Basically people handle things dfferently what will wash off one person will really affect another. Children often go along with bullys and laugh at things they do and join in because it means that they are escaping the bullying. You were in a vunerable position because you didnt know how to handle it and because your self esteem was so low. You say your ugly, so what! There are loads of people who think they are ugly or others think they are it doesnt stop them getting on with life. There were loads of ugly boys in my class, are they ugly today? No either because they have grown into their looks or because I have matured and dont judge people on their looks or anyother physical attribute. Age will give you the hindsite to see that all this teenage angst is just that and that things can and will get better if you believe in yourself.
Again I really urge you to confide in a mature adult if not a family member, then your local gp or college guidance services. I wish you all the best in college and the future.

solovely

OP, lucky you!! You are getting a chance to start from fresh again with new people, to be who you want to be, with people who don't know you, have no reason to judge you!!

Ask most people who had a crap time in school, and they will tell you the college days were the best days of their lives.

You can be who you want to be. If you need to fake confidence to do it, then do it, and the real confidence will follow through.

Did you go to an all boys school? Have you any female friends? Sounds like you've been in an overtly masculine environment where people judge people far too quickly. I can guarantee you college is not like that. Try live in a mixed house, try make male and female friends. You will find people interested in such strange, bizarre and interesting things that I guarantee you a guy into cooking and X Factor will not seem remotely strange!!

Here's a little true story to cheer you up - one of my best male friends, I met him in the first week of college. He didn't seem in any way strange, maybe a little quiet, and a little effeminate. A big gang of about 10 of us became really close friends (6 girls, 4 guys). Found out via a friend of a friend that my friend had been bullied in school for being "gay" (cos he wasn't a tough guy like all the other guys). When we talked about it after, he had been really afraid of college, but worked really hard to act confident and make an effort with new people. He now has a beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, tonnes of friends, great job, drives a fancy car. When I was down in his home town a few months ago, we bumped into these losers who had bullied him in school in the local chippers. And there they were, the same fellas, doing the same thing they had been doing 15 years earlier, no money, no life, no hope. They started to slag him off, he laughed back at them, took no notice. They started on at me, I said I was his mistress, his wife was in the BMW outside....they went out for a gawk, and quickly shut up!!!

Honestly, just think positive, be outgoing, friendly, smile lots at new people. You will make friends, it will be great!! And put the past few horrible years behind you.

If you are really really nervous, all colleges have counsellors, so maybe go see one of them in your first week. Also, join lots of clubs and societies, and as I said, be friends with girls as well as boys.