Cant get women

LegacyUser

Well am 36 years old and simply cannot get a woman. I have tried everything, socialising, pubs n clubs, dating sites, activity clubs, night courses......nothing. Women want me as a friend, not as a partner and its really depressing me. All my friends are married and have started families and as a result I see them less and less. Now, I spend most nights and weekends alone and am at my wits end. I have had several long term relationships, lots of short terms, plenty of dates, but in the last two years it like I have developed anti women disease for some reason. I cant for the life of me work out why, I am not a needy person, I am very sociable and chatty and confident, I was once a bit of a workaholic and it cost me two relationships that were wonderful until I made a mess of things. Now that I can see the mistake I have made I have no opportunity to put those hard learnt lessons into practice.

Am not even sure why I am posting, because I cant think of anything to do except keep plugging away, but the thing is, after spending so long looking and getting absolutely nowhere am starting to wonder if I am just going to spend the rest of my life alone......

gmac102

unregistered wrote: »

Well am 36 years old and simply cannot get a woman. I have tried everything, socialising, pubs n clubs, dating sites, activity clubs, night courses......nothing. Women want me as a friend, not as a partner and its really depressing me. All my friends are married and have started families and as a result I see them less and less. Now, I spend most nights and weekends alone and am at my wits end. I have had several long term relationships, lots of short terms, plenty of dates, but in the last two years it like I have developed anti women disease for some reason. I cant for the life of me work out why, I am not a needy person, I am very sociable and chatty and confident, I was once a bit of a workaholic and it cost me two relationships that were wonderful until I made a mess of things. Now that I can see the mistake I have made I have no opportunity to put those hard learnt lessons into practice.

Am not even sure why I am posting, because I cant think of anything to do except keep plugging away, but the thing is, after spending so long looking and getting absolutely nowhere am starting to wonder if I am just going to spend the rest of my life alone......

Its not easy out there, dating...Im back on the scene after been in a long term relationship (I'm 30) I have no idea where you meet people either, I find its a bit of a minefield so decided to give myself a break from it after some so/so dates!!

Just wanted you to know your not alone in it Chin up! Hopefully she/he will be worth the wait!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I'm a woman in my thirties, and I spent a long time looking for men. All my friends were attached, married etc and I felt desperate. I tried pubs, niteclubs, tennis clubs, gyms, you name it.

One day I realised that I wasn't happy anymore. When I was playing tennis, I wasn't enjoying the game, I was looking for men. When I went out for a drink, I wasn't enjoying the social atmosphere, I was looking for men. When I was at the gym, I wasn't focusing on my fitness, I was looking for men. Of course I told myself lies that I was going to these place to get fit, meet friends etc but the reality was I was looking for men.

This was a big turning point for me. I was sick of not being happy, so I decided to take responsibilty for my own happiness. If I didn't have a good night out, it wasn't because I hadn't met a man, but because I hadn't been properly sociable with the people I was with. It was after a few trials of this new outlook, I suddenly realised that I didn't need a partner to be happy. It was all down to me. If I happened to meet someone, it was a great bonus.

Which I did. But I only met him when I was happy with myself.

It's your choice OP. You can place the most valuable thing you have, your happiness, into the hands of this imaginary partner you haven't even met yet. Or you can take control and take back your happiness, and with that, your life.

LegacyUser

OP , you probably won't agree with me here but you are coming across as needy, you care too much about being afraid of being alone and thats like a beacon for girls & is unnattractive.
for me,Coming to terms with the possible eventuality of being completely alone & seeing a positive in it was crucial....i think thats the key... i found if girls know you are happy on your own and don't need anybody to be happy it will make you more desireable....

Kadongy

unregistered wrote: »

Well am 36 years old and simply cannot get a woman. I have tried everything, socialising, pubs n clubs, dating sites, activity clubs, night courses......nothing. Women want me as a friend, not as a partner and its really depressing me. All my friends are married and have started families and as a result I see them less and less. Now, I spend most nights and weekends alone and am at my wits end. I have had several long term relationships, lots of short terms, plenty of dates, but in the last two years it like I have developed anti women disease for some reason. I cant for the life of me work out why, I am not a needy person, I am very sociable and chatty and confident, I was once a bit of a workaholic and it cost me two relationships that were wonderful until I made a mess of things. Now that I can see the mistake I have made I have no opportunity to put those hard learnt lessons into practice.

Am not even sure why I am posting, because I cant think of anything to do except keep plugging away, but the thing is, after spending so long looking and getting absolutely nowhere am starting to wonder if I am just going to spend the rest of my life alone......

Human courtship: eye contact; smile; talk; touch; kiss; sexy time

Some guys don't get girls because they try to skip ahead in that too much.
You sound like you get to the talking stage and then just stay there. If you like someone pay attention and read their body language. Try to see if they're open to being touched - not in a sleezy way. You should be able to tell from each of those steps whether the girl is open to the next one. Girls like it if you move things forward (when they're open to it). They see you as more of a man. Stay chatting to them when they're open to more and your sex appeal will often dwindle away in their eyes. Trying to go further when they're not open to it and they'll think you're a twat. The older you get the more they'll expect you to know what you're doing.

Also beware of teases who'll entice just so they can shoot you down. Overly strong body language is a good indicator. If they're not teasing they're probably somewhat easy anyway.

Pebbles68

Rather than trying "to get" a woman why don't you try and make it more about her. If you are so focussed on what you want you may be neglecting to pay enough attention to her. It is a serious turn off for any girl to feel like a guy is only with you for what he can get. Good luck.

Jess16

Totally agree with Pebbles. OP, you cannot 'get' a woman because a woman is not a commodity or something to be obtained. So perhaps changing your outlook to start seeing them as actual people with the same needs and wants that all humans have and you might have more success.

It's evident from your post that you're entirely focussed on what a woman can bring to your life. Selfishness is never attractive so maybe consider what you can give to them as opposed to what you can take.

LegacyUser

Jess16 wrote: »

Totally agree with Pebbles. OP, you cannot 'get' a woman because a woman is not a commodity or something to be obtained. So perhaps changing your outlook to start seeing them as actual people with the same needs and wants that all humans have and you might have more success.

It's evident from your post that you're entirely focussed on what a woman can bring to your life. Selfishness is never attractive so maybe consider what you can give to them as opposed to what you can take.

Believe when I say that the nicer you are to a lot of women, the less likely they are to pay you any attention. I used to think that was some kind of BS but its true. I guess I have lost the ability to relate to the opposite sex and have no idea how to fix that.

However, what is selfish about wanting to find someone? You make me sound like I am not a very nice person - the expression 'get a women' is the exact same as 'get a man'. Would you have a go at a woman for using that expression or is it a gender thing here? Its an expression women use everyday and no one accuses them of viewing men as a commodity?

I know what I can bring to a womans life - honesty, romance, excitement, loyalty, commitment, stability. But I am not even getting the chance and now I am being dissed by the women on a website forum who see me as a selfish person who view women as objects.......sigh....whats the point?

Miss Fluff

Tut tut, no need for the self pity

I think if you're being rejected by every single woman you meet as implied in your post then maybe there is feasibly something wrong.

Are you getting past first dates? At what juncture do opportunities normally go tits up?

Have you a close friend or sibling you can confide in and ask them honestly if there is anything you can do to improve yourself or if in fact there is something wrong?

I'm not for a moment suggesting this is the case but could you possibly have halitosis or a tick of some sort that's putting people off? Do you have appaling table manners for example? Perhaps you need to ask the honest advice of a good female friend and see if they can give you some advice?

Or do you have ridiculously high standards and will only meet women who fit very specific criteria?

You sound like a nice guy and I have a lot of very beautiful single girlfriends who have so much going for them. There are A LOT of really great single women out there so I'm just surprised to hear it from a guy he has so much difficulty as statistically I think it can be harder for women in their 30s tbh.

Jess16

unregistered wrote: »

what is selfish about wanting to find someone? You make me sound like I am not a very nice person - the expression 'get a women' is the exact same as 'get a man'. Would you have a go at a woman for using that expression or is it a gender thing here? Its an expression women use everyday and no one accuses them of viewing men as a commodity? I know what I can bring to a womans life - honesty, romance, excitement, loyalty, commitment, stability. But I am not even getting the chance and now I am being dissed by the women on a website forum who see me as a selfish person who view women as objects.......sigh....whats the point?

Of course I would think the same if a woman was seeking to 'get' a man so I don't know where that defensive assumption is coming from.

You say you have 'anti-women disease' as though the problem lies solely with women and not with you. Even now, your melodramatic 'woe is me' response smacks of self-indulgence.

My intention is not to offend you but you sound like hard work to be honest and unless you change something, your predicament will remain the same.

Change yourself because it's futile to think you can change anyone else.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Tut tut, no need for the self pity

I think if you're being rejected by every single woman you meet as implied in your post then maybe there is feasibly something wrong.

Are you getting past first dates? At what juncture do opportunities normally go tits up?

Have you a close friend or sibling you can confide in and ask them honestly if there is anything you can do to improve yourself or if in fact there is something wrong?

I'm not for a moment suggesting this is the case but could you possibly have halitosis or a tick of some sort that's putting people off? Do you have appaling table manners for example? Perhaps you need to ask the honest advice of a good female friend and see if they can give you some advice?

Or do you have ridiculously high standards and will only meet women who fit very specific criteria?

You sound like a nice guy and I have a lot of very beautiful single girlfriends who have so much going for them. There are A LOT of really great single women out there so I'm just surprised to hear it from a guy he has so much difficulty as statistically I think it can be harder for women in their 30s tbh.

I think after 2 years of total rejection, I should be allowed some self pity - why do you think I am on here? I am attractive enough physically (I think anyway, have been with some lovely women in the past so thats my basis for that.) 5' 9'', average build, I dont drink that often so no beer gut either! I walk a lot and sometimes jog, but mainly its walking my dog that I get most of my exercise from. I have a good, well paid job, I used to be a bit of a workaholic but since I moved to my new position I try to keep it 9-5 as much as possible in the current climate. I used to go into work at 730 til 6 and even saturdays because I was a little obsessed but now have chilled a bit. I have several female friends and they have no idea what the problem is and I know them long enough to know if they were simply telling me white lies to spare my feelings, or at least I think I do.

I have very good personal hygience, obsessive maybe in that some days I shower 3 times ( I like to go to bed after a shower sometimes, helps me sleep better, weird, but clean), I dont have halitosis, have good dental regime, I dont have a tic or anything, I dress pretty smart and I am (used to be at this stage though) pretty outgoing and confident. I always keep myself shaved as I think that I look dirty with stubble and only use neutral deodorants like sanex and stuff like that as I cant stand the cheesy stink of stuff like lynx (or the idiotic marketing that goes along with it).

I dont have very high standards, so long as someone is easy going, enjoys a laugh and I am attracted to them, thats normally a good basis to start from. I dont want to be dating models, I want a real person and possibly, if the chemistry was right, something long term. But really am at wits end now. I have heard it said that women in their 30's have a hard time meeting guys but I seem to be in the same boat? Perhaps my self confidence took a knock from a string of rejections - its at the stage now where I cant even get a date, let alone get past the first one.

Jess16 wrote: »

Of course I would think the same if a woman was seeking to 'get' a man so I don't know where that defensive assumption is coming from.

You say you have 'anti-women disease' as though the problem lies solely with women and not with you. Even now, your melodramatic 'woe is me' response smacks of self-indulgence.

My intention is not to offend you but you sound like hard work to be honest and unless you change something, your predicament will remain the same.

Change yourself because it's futile to think you can change anyone else.

Hey, sorry, I thought you were making me out to be some sort of sexist creep who just wants to shag everything and anything and objectifies people. Dont get me wrong, I wouldnt turn down a one night stand but if a girl says no on the first date, the second date, the third date etc., thats OK, I am not a dog in heat! If I think there is chemistry there then I reckon its worth the wait.

The problem obviously doesnt lie with the women and I didnt mean to suggest that, it obviously lies with me.

But the problem is getting worse and yeah, I suppose at this stage I am getting to be hard work and becoming self indulgent. But what can I do? I suppose I am getting desperate now and apparently that reeks.

Kadongy

well desperation is a major turn off in either sex I think. You sound like a bit of a perfectionist and maybe that gets taken as a sign of desperation in itself.

Maybe you should be more self-indulgent. Instead of trying hard to get someone to like you, sulk a bit. Don't be so pristine in your appearance. Be self-indulgent and don't shave or wear nice clothes, though do maintain your hygiene.

I've no idea why this works, but in my experience it does attract women. If I feel crap about myself and go about unkempt and basically not wanting anyone to look at me at all, I find women trying to engage with me quite frequently, in an interested way. If I get dressed up nice when I don't feel it and am actively open to them I know it puts them off. Because it seems desperate probably.

I heard of some study where it showed that happy looking guys are less attractive to women than dominant looking or shameful looking ones. Women often like it when guys are dark and broody.

So yeah you probably are coming across as desperate. Stop trying so hard.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you sound just fine. Now obviously no-one here can read what vibes you give off, but I'd like to make a point: it is hard for everyone in their 30s. I'm a married lady now but did a few single years in my 30s. The cliche is that it's just women who are having a hard time, but I know lots of guys who don't have it easy either. Don't let romantic comedy culture tell you how it is.
By this age we all have strong identities and likes/dislikes - and there is nothing so wrong with that. Also the stakes are much higher. Everyone is looking for the relationship that lasts, so of course it's going to be harder. I read an article on a dating agency once that said for a 'normal' client (no weird tics etc.) it takes 20 dates to meet 1 person. So if you look at it that way, being single 2 years as you are is almost what you would expect. Have you dated 20 people yet? Or asked out 20 girls? 20 flirtations? Maybe you have, but my best advice would be to just keep trying. There is nothing wrong with aspiring to a partner and family life.
But also try to relax. You're not up against the biological clock. Obviously you've had relationships before, so there is no reason why you won't again.
But... as posters suggested, do hang back a bit. That doesn't mean not being open and honest, it just means keeping some mystique. That doesn't mean women are masochists either BTW; women spend their teens/20s - yes even 30s with lots of propositions from men - of course the one who plays it a bit cooler will get some points for mystique. It implies depth.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

But the problem is getting worse and yeah, I suppose at this stage I am getting to be hard work and becoming self indulgent. But what can I do? I suppose I am getting desperate now and apparently that reeks.

I think you've probably answered your own question then. I'm sure it's not something you're going to be that happy with but recognising it is the first step.

Before I met my OH I did a bit of online dating. I met some great people, some hotties, some numpties, some ba$tards and some who were unhinged. I viewed it as a bit of fun though. Those men who came across as desperate I didn't even grace them with a reply. It was obvious after two lines of correspondence and them asking me out that they were literally blanket bombing the site on the hunt for a date, any date. It was so terribly offputting and unattractive.

You sound utterly jaded with it all so I recommend you knock it on the head. Take a break. Get some perspective back. Delete your account. Stop viewing everyone with boobies as a potential mate and step away from it all. And not just for a week. For six months. Take the time out to regroup and have a think about what it is you really want in a woman and then ease yourself back into it again. You won't regret it.