So Low

LegacyUser

I'm a single father to a wonderful boy who I get to see some weekends. I've fought a custody battle for years, and he even disappeared for nearly a year. That has ruined my heart. So has the thoughts of losing him again if the courts allow his mum to leave the country with him. I have rights in place but being a dad in Ireland doesn't mean much.

I've started a new job recently that is simply soul-draining. I want to make something of myself and have signed up for a part-time evening course. I already know I'm going tofail.

I have a back injury from no particular incident, just general wear and tear, and it's not improving, despite all the physio and ostepathy and exercise I do.

My head hurts all the time, my eyes feel heavy, I squint, I feel nauseous, drained, lethargic. Ready to die.

I can't take this misery. I just can't. I've gone to counselling, but it deson't help anymore. I;ve tried medication, but it turns me into a zombie.

I'm too tired to fight anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I miss my son so much it hurts me deeply. I'm crippled with fear of losing him.

I feel afraid when I'm meeting new people. I forget names, faces, numbers. Mid-action, I forget my purpose. The more I mess up, the more nervous I get, and the more I mess up.

What do I do? How do I boost myself, my energy?

I eat as well as I can but I bloat easily. A doctor told me to try different foods but I'm so picky. I think I've IBS and it makes me uncomfortable 75% of the time.

I keep thinking, why go on like this? It's not living. It's surviving, suffering through self-torment and self-pity. It's awful. I'm pathetic.

Elba101

So Low wrote: »

I'm a single father to a wonderful boy who I get to see some weekends. I've fought a custody battle for years, and he even disappeared for nearly a year. That has ruined my heart. So has the thoughts of losing him again if the courts allow his mum to leave the country with him. I have rights in place but being a dad in Ireland doesn't mean much.

I've started a new job recently that is simply soul-draining. I want to make something of myself and have signed up for a part-time evening course. I already know I'm going tofail.

I have a back injury from no particular incident, just general wear and tear, and it's not improving, despite all the physio and ostepathy and exercise I do.

My head hurts all the time, my eyes feel heavy, I squint, I feel nauseous, drained, lethargic. Ready to die.

I can't take this misery. I just can't. I've gone to counselling, but it deson't help anymore. I;ve tried medication, but it turns me into a zombie.

I'm too tired to fight anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I miss my son so much it hurts me deeply. I'm crippled with fear of losing him.

I feel afraid when I'm meeting new people. I forget names, faces, numbers. Mid-action, I forget my purpose. The more I mess up, the more nervous I get, and the more I mess up.

What do I do? How do I boost myself, my energy?

I eat as well as I can but I bloat easily. A doctor told me to try different foods but I'm so picky. I think I've IBS and it makes me uncomfortable 75% of the time.

I keep thinking, why go on like this? It's not living. It's surviving, suffering through self-torment and self-pity. It's awful. I'm pathetic.

Hey OP,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I know this is going to sound so cliched, but you need to concentrate on the good things. Obviously, the first being your wonderful son. That's why you need to go on living.

You hate your job, but you're doing a part-time course so you don't have to stay in it. You obviously have drive and ambition because you're motivated to better your work prospects and your life.

Why doesn't councilling help anymore? Do you still go? Why not write a list of the good and bad in your life?

Stargazer7

I can barely imagine what you are going through. You seem devoted to your son and he seems like a hugely positive, if at the moment stress inducing, part of your life. My main words of advice to you is to get help, talk to someone, to a GP, counsellor, the samaritans, whoever. You probably won't feel like it, you probably think it is futile, but it is worth a shot. It was only when I felt so low that I couldn't care about anything anymore, that I started doing something about it, as all I wanted was some relief, anything. Counselling is something that, unfortunately, takes time but it most definitely worth it. I empathise on the issue of medication but perhaps you could try a different type, guided by a medical professional. Sometimes dosage and type just don't agree with a person.

Whatever you do, please talk. People are here to speak with you, as are a number of voluntary bodies and medical professionals. You are worth it.

Long Road 8378

Hi OP

My heart breaks for you as I read your post. I can only recommend that you carry on with the counselling, maybe try a different counsellor? Each and every one of them can be so different, their ways and methods can be so different. I know someone who was in counselling and found that it wasn't doing anything for them, they changed counsellors and has now started to feel more relaxed and able to begin to deal with their issues. I know only too well that the courts in this country can really destroy a father's confidence as men really have no rights at all. But you can guarantee that your son knows how much you love him and your son thinks that you are one of the most amazing and important people in the whole world. This course could be great for you, give you confidence to meet people again, give you a boost. It's amazing how time can change things, chat to your GP and share your thoughts with them. You are really worth it, like a previous poster has said already.

Lanaier

Is your exercise limited due to back problems?

First place I would start is more exercise, it's very difficult to remain depressed while exercising heavily most days a week.

LegacyUser

My back injury restricts me a lot sometimes, it's a constant ache and I'm always on edge with it. I'm so bloody lethargic. It's like I'm cut off from anything that drivesme or makes me happy. I don't pity myself, I just hate my self sometimes, or just hate everything. I put a smile on when I need to and when I have my son I'm glowing, but I'm always nervous, always afraid, and just worn OUT.

I just have to keep going. It's like one big long dark trudge towards some who-cares end. I've made nothing of myself, I have limited attention span these days, can't focus. Loads of debt. Living at home. Crippled with anxieties to the point where I almost cave in or just curl up.

It's hard pretending I'm normal when I know I'm just a wimp. Simple conversation is a sturggle for me these days---it hurts when I should be happy. I used to be happy. The custody battle has hurt too much, left me bitter and angry and exhausted.

I've lost my spark. Forget what it felt like. My heart's a deadweight. Chest tight even as I write this. Stomach in knots. Head throbbing. I think of the good things but there's no response emotionally, bare the faint memory of what used to make me smile.

What the hell is wrong with me? I've a roof over my head, an income, a beautiful son. I should be grateful, think I am, but don't feel it. I feel lost, and I feel it's all my fault. And I just want to feel better, I really really do.

I've gone to three counsellors, all well-meaning. Used to help in their own ways. No effect now.

Even the bloody weather is depressing me, no summer, blustery weather, the threat of icy weather and the inherent worry that I won't see my son as often --- he's halfway across the country.

Jesus how do I cope?

Stargazer7

So low wrote: »

My back injury restricts me a lot sometimes, it's a constant ache and I'm always on edge with it. I'm so bloody lethargic. It's like I'm cut off from anything that drivesme or makes me happy. I don't pity myself, I just hate my self sometimes, or just hate everything. I put a smile on when I need to and when I have my son I'm glowing, but I'm always nervous, always afraid, and just worn OUT.

I just have to keep going. It's like one big long dark trudge towards some who-cares end. I've made nothing of myself, I have limited attention span these days, can't focus. Loads of debt. Living at home. Crippled with anxieties to the point where I almost cave in or just curl up.

It's hard pretending I'm normal when I know I'm just a wimp. Simple conversation is a sturggle for me these days---it hurts when I should be happy. I used to be happy. The custody battle has hurt too much, left me bitter and angry and exhausted.

I've lost my spark. Forget what it felt like. My heart's a deadweight. Chest tight even as I write this. Stomach in knots. Head throbbing. I think of the good things but there's no response emotionally, bare the faint memory of what used to make me smile.

What the hell is wrong with me? I've a roof over my head, an income, a beautiful son. I should be grateful, think I am, but don't feel it. I feel lost, and I feel it's all my fault. And I just want to feel better, I really really do.

I've gone to three counsellors, all well-meaning. Used to help in their own ways. No effect now.

Even the bloody weather is depressing me, no summer, blustery weather, the threat of icy weather and the inherent worry that I won't see my son as often --- he's halfway across the country.

Jesus how do I cope?

When you feel this way you probably know, rationally, that exercise would help, esp if you didn't have the back injury. But that doesn't matter to you. Because "normal" things probably don't make sense anymore. I think what you really need to do is look after yourself and let your guard down. You constantly say you NEED to keep going, for your son, for whatever reason. I'm going to say something that got through to me when I felt like you did a while ago - how relieved and happy would you be if you could just not feel how you do now? Not feel the need to keep going for others, to keep up appearances, keep trying to service debts etc. etc. You need to let go of the responsibilities you have for a while. You need to totally focus on your health and your wellbeing.

I would say to confide in someone you trust, break down, let the emotion out. If you can get the right person to listen I am certain the emotion will spill out and you will gradually feel better. You are NOT a wimp, it takes great courage to admit you are in trouble. Forget the bull expected of men to be "macho" and not discuss how they feel. It's senseless rubbish.

There is nothing wrong with you. Reread that sentence. Again, and again. You are hurting and you need help. You could have a million euro right now and every other material need cared for, but that wouldn't solve your problem. It doesn't matter how good your life appears to be from the outside. You are the only one who understands what it's like to be you.

You say none of the counsellors now help...have you found yourself being as honest with them as you are on this thread? If not then maybe giving them a copy of what you wrote here would help. Or maybe a new counselor, one more suited to your needs would be helpful.

<mod snip>. Take care