Long distance relationship with sexual problems

LegacyUser

Okay,

so I'm in the beginning months of a long distance relationship with a girl I have been seeing for a year beforehand. We both agreed to try and make it work, there is an end in sight of half a year. Hardly impossible.

I understand it's going to be difficult, there will be challenges, sacrifices, and compromises. I understand things are going to be different, the distance will warp, and stretch communication and meanings. All of that.

What I did not anticipate is that the sexual component might get corrupted.

I don't expect her to be my personal camwhore, I don't expect, pictures, or recordings, or filthy souvenirs. I don't want her to trivialize herself as an object for me. But is it too much to ask for her to engage me on some sort of sexual level? Right now, I'd be happy if I could even get her to email me one of her fantasies. To give me some sort of intimate moment in a month. I've tried encouraging her, I've tried leaving by example (she quite enjoyed reading my fantasy).

It seems like I'm the only one doing compromising.I've tried talking to her, all that. I don't want to be angry at her, to be full of resentment. I just need external confirmation that I am not being unreasonable?

Miss Fluff

SAnonymous wrote: »

I've tried encouraging her, I've tried leaving by example (she quite enjoyed reading my fantasy).

It seems like I'm the only one doing compromising.I've tried talking to her, all that. I don't want to be angry at her, to be full of resentment. I just need external confirmation that I am not being unreasonable?

First of all if you don't mind my saying you come across as really quite aggressive so if that's coming across in your communication to her then no wonder she's recoiling.

I think engaging on a sexual level when in an LDR is essential. It's important to keep you feeling close, to build anticipation of the next meeting and it makes you feel closer to the other person. It's a substitute for the intimacy that you'd normally get in a relationship when in close proximity to the other person.

Sounds to me like she may not have engaged in sexy emails or correspondence before so it's a case of baby steps rather than brow-beating her into it and bandying words around like "anger" and "aggression"....she's not going to engage if she feels compelled to do so is she? :rolleyes:

If she specifically enjoyed the fantasy that you sent her recently then take that a little further. Get into an IM conversation and ask her OPEN QUESTIONS about what she liked about it best etc and take it from there. It should happen organically rather than you DEMANDING "talk dirty to me now woman".....

LegacyUser

Agree completely with Miss Fluff. There's nothing at all unreasonable about wanting intimacy, but how you're going about expressing it might not be right.

prinz

SAnonymous wrote: »

I don't expect her to be my personal camwhore, I don't expect, pictures, or recordings, or filthy souvenirs. I don't want her to trivialize herself as an object for me. But is it too much to ask for her to engage me on some sort of sexual level? Right now, I'd be happy if I could even get her to email me one of her fantasies.

Try using a phone instead of email/IM/pictures/webcam etc. Voice to voice might make your communication that bit more personal. Typing fantasies into an email/IM might sound ok to you but to her it could be cold, impersonal and anything but helping her to feel sexy.. (not to mention the fact that some people don't work in fantasies like others do). Schedule phone calls..skype.. as often as possible, and try to arrange times when you are both alone, relaxed and winding down. Not sure of the time difference in your relationship but it's going to be difficult if you want your sexy chat at 10pm when your at ease, chilling out and for her it's the morning or middle of the afternoon.

It's something you are (both) going to have to terms with. It happens in a LDR. It's much harder to find a time when both parties are feeling frisky, one person could be ready to go as it were, and the other could have had a crap day and just wants a shoulder to lean on or a chat. Any feeling of pressure to perform is going to be counter-productive and lead to more angst and tension. In fairness it's only six months at the end of the day, you could see it as an opportunity to work on other areas of your relationship like communication, and not just of a sexual nature. Trust me, there may seem like times when you'll burst if you don't share something intimate of that nature, but that will be dwarfed when you've had the day from hell and all you want to do is get an email/hear her voice telling you how her day was/that it will be better rather than a possibly invented fantasy.

Summary, step back, take a deep breath, put the sexy stuff on the backburner for a time and consider what she needs from you. Has she asked anything of you conversation/communication wise? As above it's something that has to arise naturally/organically. If you try to shoehorn it into your relationship it won't work.

Bloody Nipples

I'm a guy in the same situation. Girlfriend gone on erasmus, means I'll only get to see her 3-4 times in 8 months.
I think you're being unreasonable to expect someone to have the same willingness as yourself to engage in sexual intimacy over the internet.
Hypothetically, if your relationship ever goes south what's to stop you from plastering her fantasies all over the internet? And while you can say "I would never do that", the internet is littered with examples of people who misplaced their trust and got burned for it. The main thing is, and this goes for ANY sexual activity, if she's not comfortable with it you shouldn't be pressurizing her into it (which is what you sound like you're doing).

It's 6 months. My advice is get yourself in check. If she's back between now and then you'll have to wait even less time. Alternatively, you could go visit.

LegacyUser

I was angry when I posted that. I'm hurt, frustrated and feeling rejected, so of course I'm angry. Being angry hurts less than being sad. But I am calmer today. Fluff, thank you for your input, but it sounds a little one-sided to me; that I must bury my feelings for her sake. Apart from sounding unhealthy by itself, it sounds like you want me to be the only one to compromise.

And re suggestions on encouraging her:
I left out some details that would clarify other things. I originally tried using the phone, that didn't work. She was uncomfortable with that. I'm not an impatient asshole, so I didn't push it. That why I tried writing her a fantasy, to encourage her. That didn't work.

I have tried to let it happen organically, backing off, and being patient. She started writing me one of her fantasies over IM one evening, I didn't push anything, I was too afraid to kill it, so I only offered open questions, and gentle encouraging comments. She shut herself down after five minutes. It seems more like a mental block to me. But if I can't get her to open up to me sexually, when she's horny, through any medium she wants, what hope do I have?

Bloody, a relationship without intimacy is not a relationship, it's a friendship. You are correct. She should not be pressured. But I should not have to completely suppress my sexuality to suit her needs (or lack there of) to a platonic level either, surely? Become her Ken-doll, so to speak. I do take your point about the internet, though, I had not thought of that. But six months in a non-distance relationship without intimacy would be poisonous, how is this any different?

If this were a topic about being in a normal sexless relationship, would you all be faulting me for being upset and frustrated? And are you all suggesting that her emotional needs are more important than mine?

prinz

SAnonymous wrote: »

..it sounds like you want me to be the only one to compromise....

You said yourself she has tried so you are not the only one making an attempt.

SAnonymous wrote: »

.. It seems more like a mental block to me. But if I can't get her to open up to me sexually, when she's horny, through any medium she wants, what hope do I have?....

What hope do you have for what exactly? The distance puts a strain on that side of a relationship. It's life. To be honest I found it often made things worse to dwell on the sexual side.

SAnonymous wrote: »

.. Bloody, a relationship without intimacy is not a relationship, it's a friendship. You are correct. She should not be pressured. But I should not have to completely suppress my sexuality to suit her needs (or lack there of) to a platonic level either, surely? Become her Ken-doll, so to speak. I do take your point about the internet, though, I had not thought of that. But six months in a non-distance relationship without intimacy would be poisonous, how is this any different??....

Then feel free to break up with her and go get your jollies with someone else.

SAnonymous wrote: »

..
If this were a topic about being in a normal sexless relationship, would you all be faulting me for being upset and frustrated? And are you all suggesting that her emotional needs are more important than mine?

Except it's not a normal relationship and trying to draw any conclusions from different advice in two very different situations is pointless. It's only six months, for crying out loud, not six years, so which do you want more? Getting the end away or your gf back with you in six months happy? Tryi putting your sexual energy into romantic pursuits as opposed to sexual. Maybe you should spend the time maturing a bit as so far you are coming across as unreasonably self-centred and thats just from two posts, lord knows what she is getting. You got great advice and all you want to do is keep playing a victim card.

lace

Hi OP!

Both your emotional needs are important. Neither of you should feel pressured. It sounds as though you have both tried - your girlfriend tried writing you an IM fantasy, you tried being patient and not pushing her. She has tried (or is trying) so try to give her a break.

Committing things to writing over the internet is probably a big issue for your girlfriend. Some people just aren't into sending sexy emails. You just need to take things slowly and let her decide if and when she is ready to explore the different possibilities and methods for maintaining the spark in the LDR. Perhaps try talking to her about what makes her uncomfortable and why she doesn't want to engage in sexy talk over the phone/internet. If she definitely doesn't like it then is there any point in asking her to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable?

LegacyUser

I had been planning on burying this thread, and forgetting it. It was a little self-torturing, and making me angry, but I'll answer two points.

That's what I'm having difficulty seeing. Is 'trying' making a conscious effort to put your feelings aside for the other person? Is five lines a conscious effort? Or just a brief reaction? Like buying bad food when you go food shopping hungry.

I don't care about the form, I would just like a sexy anything. Evidence of her desire for me. Saying you desire somebody, flirting, is easy, doing something about it takes a little more time and effort. Actions, not words. Desire is reciprocal, it doesn't exist in a vacuum. One doesn't have a desire for someone that does not desire them. Beyond teenage crushes.

I guess my worry is that she will never be ready, so my desire for her, the spark, will die, because the desire feels unrequited. Which hurts And then what? That was the "hope" I alluded to previously. It was never about getting my "jollies" off.

Is this a little more honest, and humble, when you get past the anger?

LegacyUser

Clearly, this is a big issue for you. But I think you need to consider things from her point of view. You feel very comfortable writing out your fantasies and sending them to her, but she doesn’t seem to be. And yes, I do consider that her efforts, as little as they may seem to you, show that she did try. She may feel silly writing these things to you. I know I would, and it wouldn’t be for lack of desire for my boyfriend. It’s simply more difficult for some people to get over their shyness or hang-ups when it comes to “virtual sex”.

Try staying away from overtly sexual dialogue and easing her into it. Talk about how much you miss holding her or kissing her (her neck, her earlobe, whatever you know she really enjoys). She may be more responsive, and though it may not lead to her spelling out her fantasies for you, it will show you that she does desire you.

Sanonymous wrote: »

That's what I'm having difficulty seeing. Is 'trying' making a conscious effort to put your feelings aside for the other person? Is five lines a conscious effort? Or just a brief reaction? Like buying bad food when you go food shopping hungry.

She may need to up the ante, but you also need to put some of your own feelings aside. The two of you need to meet somewhere in the middle. You need to lower your expectations if she really isn’t into virtual sex. Her desire for you may come out more subtly, and you’re so angry at the moment, you may be missing the signs.

Don’t lose sight of the other aspects of your relationship. If you truly care for her, in the grand scheme of things, a few months isn’t that long. And when she literally devours you after you’ve spent months apart, you may realise it was worth the wait.