Is he making a fool out of me

LOLLO34

Hi ,
I have a dilema . My Boyfriend and i have been together for over 4 years now . The long and short of it is i want to get married . We spoke recently and he gave the go ahead to plan our wedding however when i put my ideas to him he got cold feet and said he wasnt ready . I love him dearly as he does me but i cant understand this nor his reason . He does want to stay with me forever so he says but to me getting married is about thinking the same and being on equal footing however now it does not seem that way . Should i wait until he is? press him more on why or have a good talk to myself about why he changed his mind - he has always said he would like to get married and have children and im the one for him however i have my doubts now due to the above and feel like a fool for even contacting wedding planners looking at rings and thinking of my dream dress .

LOLLO34

woodchuck

He certainly doesn’t sound ready. But whether it’s a case that he’s not ready NOW or that he never will be is something you both need to discuss. He might have very good reasons for not wanting to get married right now… cost being a huge one (not that the romantic in us ever wants to hear that). Or are you both still very young? Try talking to him about it again logically in such a way that isn’t putting pressure on him. Don’t go on about all the reasons why YOU want to get married, try to work out why he is reluctant and go from there. Take what he says on board, but don’t then jump into trying to convince him otherwise straight away.

You might need to prepare yourself for things you don’t want to hear, but hopefully it’s just a case that he’s not ready right now and will be down the line.

To be honest I wouldn’t go contacting wedding planners etc again until he’s the one to officially ask you to marry him (gives you a ring or brings you ring shopping).

who what when

Your boyfriend reminds me of myself.
I love my girlfriend and would very happily spend the rest of my life with her and have a family etc etc. What I do not want under any circumstances is a wedding. Just no way, couldnt do it.

I reckon this may be a problem for us in the future!

Moonbeam

Don't force him.
If he isn't ready then he isn't ready.
You need to sit down and talk.

Are you very young (early 20's)?
Are you over 35?
Is it because you want kids?

LOLLO34

Well Im 34 and he is 33 . Yes I want children but dont feel its necessary to get married to do this . We have spoke of it , he gave to go ahead hence the wedding ideas etc ... however then it changed . There is no pressure on him to do it . I have backed off completely however cannot ehlp but feel hurt and confused as to why . I have asked and he said he cant explain but nothing was wrong and we are ok ..... I just feel like a sitting duck now . Am i supposed to jump when he is ready , what if thats never . Do I put my dreams aside until he wants me to have them or do I ask for a comprimise and we meet half way .Can i ask why you would never wat to marry your partner ? Im not asking for a huge white wedding by the way , just a civial cermony with close friends . Budget for getting married is not an issue for us . All our firends have got married , we went to 6 wedding between last year and this year and ive really had enough of the pain of sitting there wondering is there something wrong with me ? Whilst he chats away congratulating the happy couples whilst I wait in vain ! all a bit too much right now which i have explained however it doesnt seem to matter . I dont want ultimatums in my relationship . it adds pressure and makes it un-romantic . It needs to be natural which i thought it was . Maybe Im wrong .

LashingLady

My engagement wasn't very romantic - it was my then boyfriend realising that this was something I really wanted (even though I couldn't explain rationally why) and it was totally unfair to hold it off when he did actually want to spend the rest of our lives together. The ring-buying and the actual wedding were very romantic though! And in between those things we had a baby, which was wonderful and really put things in perspective.

I had a big reply typed yesterday about timelines and readiness, difference between men and women etc etc which got lost. However, I don't think it's really relevant in this case. If he was 25 I'd say ah give him another few years. At 33 and together for 4 years it sounds like he has some problem with marriage or fear of committment. I would say neither are uncommon. I'm actually still pretty amazed to this day that my husband is my husband cos he doesn't really have much time for marriage!

I think you need to have a good think yourself about how important being married is to you. If it's important then you need to make that clear to yourself and to him. I know you can't really explain it and it doesn't sometimes even make sense to yourself but you just WANT to be married - I get that, I was there!

If it's really important then I think you really have two options. A. Tell him how important it is and that not getting married would be a deal-breaker. or B Propose yourself. A is kind of a gentle ultimatum, but the timelines could be say, a year from now I'd like to be engaged or married or whatever.

I know there's some people who'll be asking "why do you want to get married " or saying don't put the pressure on, but if you're with someone who doesn't want to get married and you do that's just going to stress you out and you'll resent him etc etc.

On the other hand, maybe he pulled back because he didn't like the way there was no "proposal" and wants to do it properly? You know the way sometime men like to be in control?!

LadyTBolt

OP I think it's a bit pointless driving yourself mad and looking for advice on whats going through your BF's head here.
The only person who can answer any of your questions is your BF.

There may be a hundred different reasons as to why he has withdrawn from the idea.

You will drive yourself crazy if you have backed off completely but it is still something that continues to bother you. Your BF will pick up on your feelings and could misinterpret them for something else which will cause you both problems.

You need to speak with him and find out how he feels about getting married.

Maybe he does not want to get married and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings either.

If he doesn't want to get married then he doesn't want to get married.
But who knows, you need to speak with him to know for sure.

Is he making a fool out of you? - I don't think so.
Making a fool out of you would be marrying you when he never wanted to in the first place.

iguana

OP, I've no problem leaving this thread here but if you want me to move it to the Relationship Issues forum, where you might get more responses, just let me know and I'll move it there.

Seoid

Hi OP,

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and really talk it out with your boyfriend.
I went through something very similar with my boyfriend and now, 5 years later, we have finally set a date. From my own experience, I don't think it's a good idea to plan a wedding until you are both 100% on board.
I don't know what's going on in his head but it might be about the marriage or the wedding day or both. Maybe he is planning a romantic engagement but wants it to be a surprise. Maybe he's freaking out about the whole wedding concept.

Personally I think it's worth talking about it - and including discussions about children as well. It sounds like you've already done that but are still confused and they do say communication is essential in a good marriage

You should both work out what being married means to each of you as for most people, subconsciously, it means much more than staying together forever. For example, my boyfriend didn't want to get married until we owned a house and he was stable job-wise and I've talked to somebody else recently who found the same thing. "Getting married" also is more important to some people than others. Are his parents still happily married?

Also 6 weddings in 2 years is a lot - he may be fed up of them and not particularly want one of his own. My boyfriend says he looks forward to being married but dreads the wedding day for all the hassle.

It doesn't sound like he's making a fool of you though!

username123

who what when wrote: »

What I do not want under any circumstances is a wedding. Just no way, couldnt do it.

I felt exactly the same, so did my (now) hubby. We stayed engaged for 2 years, largely because neither of us wanted a 'wedding'. So we didnt have one - we ran off and eloped in a foreign country, no one knew, it was just the 2 of us - and it was perfect. Phoned home after to plenty of shocked surprise

Couldnt recommend it enough - a great experience if youre not into being the centre of attention/a traditional wedding etc..

OP - ask your OH what HE wants in terms of a wedding - I wouldnt be going ahead and organising things unless he is involved because you will resent that. Talk to him about how you feel and what he wants and if indeed he wants to get married at all and if not, why not? He may just be like me and the other poster who hates weddings!!

Happyzebra

Would love to know how this one turned out!!!

iguana

This isn't a soap Happyzebra. Please don't pull up old threads to satisfy your curiosity.