In law Issues

LegacyUser

About 7 years ago my other half basically cut off contact with her parents. Long story but she's an only child and had an unhappy childhood. Cutting off all contact didn't really work as they just harassed my family for news. So there is limited contact through emails/letters as well as some indirect contact through a mutual friend who keeps everyone up to date. Lots has changed in the last few years. We got married, although no-one from her family was there, bought a house, had a beautiful daughter and another is on the way soon. In all this I have tried to support my wife and her decisions and choices. But recently I was wondering if it was time to try and see if we could move on and if she might forgive and forget. I suppose I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for her parents as they're getting older and have lost their daughter and I was thinking how horrible I would feel if in years to come my daughter did something similar and refused to see or talk to me. But I don't think my wife is into this. In any case in the last few weeks things seem to gotten worse again e.g. they have gotten our phone numbers and are trying to phone us all the time and her dad has sent her upsetting text messages etc. Obviously at the minute supporting my pregnant wife is the priority but longer term what should I do? Is not liking your parents or not speaking to them actually that big a deal if they're just not very nice people? Thanks for reading

Jenneke87

Although it's noble of you wanting to reconcile the family, I do really believe that's up to your wife. Cutting contact with parents is not something you decide to do overnight and she most likely had a good reason for it. She does not see them as people who are getting older and have lost their daughter, she associates them with all the pain they have caused her and she must be the one willing to forgive and forget.

Mention it to her and see what she says. But don't pressure her to do it. You can't make her forgive her parents if she is not ready. Sometimes, parental relationships just don't work out. And it's best to leave it at that when you notice that no contact is the best way to resolve it.

I am a friend

You said she had an unhappy childhood. Has she explained why she no longer wants any contact with them?

A separate issue is to find out who gave them her mobile number?

Daisy M

I can see where your coming from, but you also need to keep in mind whatever your wife has been through. Why do you want your wife to reconcile with people who if they are sending her upsetting texts do not appear to have changed at all. If they showed remorse for past actions and were making serious attempts at proving they would treat your wife properly then I would say that maybe in time you could broach this subject with your wife.
You are looking at your child whom you love dearly and the thought of you been in a similar situation with her in years to come understandably feels you with dread, but you are not them. You will strive to make your childrens childhood a happy one it doesnt sound as if they did.
Unless you feel that your wife is been unfair that she isnt justified in blaming them and is overreacting, in that case I would say leave things as they are for now and maybe when your new baby is a little older raise the topic with her. Suggest councelling or mediation but dont force anything. Whatever you do do not allow this to come between you.

seenitall

Leave her be, please.

You remind me of an ex-boyfriend of mine, who was a lovely, caring guy, but since he had been raised in a loving, well-adjusted family unit, he had no point of reference when I would tell him of the living hell of parental abuse that was my childhood. He just could not for the life of him wrap his head around the fact that there are people out there who treat their children as if they actively hated, envied or despised them, for years and years on end; so whenever this painful subject came up between us, he would utter soothing noises and well-meaning platitudes completely inadequate for the depth of my issues with my crazy, nasty mother. Looking back, it is clear to me that he thought I was being overly dramatic and grossly exaggerating the whole sorry thing. He thought my mother was a "nice woman" because that is the front she puts on for people outside the home, and he bought into it wholesale. That was very hurtful to me. Needless to say, I learned not to even broach the subject with him as it would only get me upset to see him, what was to my mind, "taking her side".

I just felt not understood and not supported by him. People who have been abused in the past by whoever was supposed to love and protect them the most, will have issues with feeling completely supported and having relationships based around loyalty. Loyalty is BIG.

Leave your wife to make her own decisions about her parents, and especially don't try to influence her decisions on this issue in any way, becase it could just come back to bite you, hard (once it all goes pear-shaped).

Oh, and get to the bottom of this phone number business, show some initiative in protecting your wife from unwanted contact, won't you?

denhaagenite

Trust her judgement on this OP.

Contact with my OHs parents broke down completely last year because I could not accept that he had made the correct decision. Prior to this it was amiable every other time we made contact so I was hopeful one day everything would be fine, but all the times that they abused us completely overshadowed this.

I could understand to a point why he didn't want to be in contact with him, as I had suffered at the hands of my parents but not as dreadfully as he did. The big thing for me was that I wanted them to be present at our wedding. I didn't want our married life to begin with this and while some guests were extremely insensitive, most understood. He felt that they couldn't be trusted (previous behaviour at family events) and that they could not continue to behave so abhorrently and at the same time demand respect from him- he felt that it needed to be earned and he is dead right. Some other family members they had burned in the past thought that our wedding would be some kind of loving reunion and held us responsible for stopping it but he decided that everyone could clean up their own messes, he wasn't going to hold them up anymore.

Now that we are thinking about beginning a family I'm relieved. You should talk to your wife about this because I'm sure she's feeling the same- we do not want to be undermined or our future children to be affected by the behaviour of people who have treated us so badly and who we feel are not fit to be around them. IE if Grandparents hate Parent/Parents, how could they possibly be a healthy influence for children? What kind of inhuman person hates their children anyway??

The best you can do is support her through this. It's a lonely, sad realisation to come to and she will need you there to help her through it all. Remember, she's been really courageous in this as while it's normal for parents not to get on with their children it is NOT normal for a parent/ child relationship to break down so badly, and no doubt there will be people in her life reminding her of this constantly, making her feel like a pariah.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all your replies, they all make good sense.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

Is not liking your parents or not speaking to them actually that big a deal if they're just not very nice people?

You can choose your friends, not your family.
If her parents have treated her so badly, why should she feel obliged to pretend nothing happened and play happy families?

Yes, it is sad that it has come to this but in all fairness OP, if a friend did the same thing they would be cut loose.
Might I also point out that this is not her fault OP. Not all people make good parents and clearly hers are at great fault here. This is their doing and their problem to fix.
Pushing your wife on this will achieve nothing but heartache. This is something she will deal with in her own good time. Let her do so.