Should I forgive and forget?

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post and thanks for those who read it. Going out with my boyfriend roughly 7 months.

Living together for the last 2 months. (Very quick I know but it was more out of convenience for both of us).

Anyway, we met on an online dating website. About a month into the relationship, I was using his phone because my battery went dead and a message came in and I accidentally opened it. Could of closed it again but I didn't, I'm nosey, and curious. So I read it, and the previous messages to it.

It was to another girl that he was talking to on the same dating website. He text her saying it was a pity didn't get to meet up. He told her he was seeing someone and she said 'well if it doesn't work out'...and gave him her address. They continued texting and it was clear from her texts that she didn't care that he was seeing someone and that she was very interested. He told her he would call out to her some day.

I told him immediatley what I saw and told him how upset I was. He said that he shouldn't have done it and he understands why I was so upset and that he didn't want to jepordise our relationship. He said she was just some woman that he used to talk to about how crap his life was and she did the same. He said he had no sexual interest in her. I didn't believe this.

I asked him not to talk to her again. I know I had no right to ask him this but I did at the time. I told him I had deleted everyone that I spoke to and didn't understand why he didn't do the same.

So roll on last month. I leave my facebook and email logged in and he has a look through them. There was a few chats there from guys I know from my past and they were idily flirting with me and anytime they did it I brushed it off. He flipped. Said he doesn't like the way guys find it so easy to flirt with me. I said that it wouldn't happen again and deleted those friends. His view on it was that if they really were my friends they wouldn't be flirting with me and jepordising (I can't spell this word!) my relationship.

Yesterday, he left his facebook logged in so I had a look. Last month, in and around the same time he had a go at me he was messaging the same woman. She asked him to tell her what would make her good in bed and he replied saying that he would tell her what he liked. It turned out (and he figured it out after a few minutes) that it was someone else using her account. So he deleted her.

To say I was hurt is an understatement. I never actually flirting with those guys and he gave out to me but all the while he was flirting with another woman.

I had it out with him anyway. He said he was really sorry. I said it was a complete lack of respect for me that he knew I wasn't happy about him talking to a woman who clearly was interested in him and didn't care he had a girlfriend (now I know it's not her fault, she's single) but he not only continued to keep her on his friends list but also flirt with her.

He said that it was his past and that he liked flirting online with girls because he didn't have much confidence IRL. So I asked him to stop talking to all these girls he had a past with of flirting online out of respect for me. He deleted them.

So after all that rambling, my question is: Should I forgive him and put it down to him just being stupid? Or move on?

I was previously in a 4 year relationship where the guy was cheating on me. I found out first at 6 months but choose to forgive him only for it to be smacked back in my face 3 and a half years later. I'm afraid of that happening again.

Miss Fluff

You clearly have zero trust for one another. And very little respect for one another or one anothe's privacy. The relationship sounds toxic.

Big mistake moving in so soon too, you hardly know one another and you clearly lie to one another.

I wouldn't be buying a hat, put it that way...

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You clearly have zero trust for one another. And very little respect for one another or one anothe's privacy. The relationship sounds toxic.

Big mistake moving in so soon too, you hardly know one another and you clearly lie to one another.

I wouldn't be buying a hat, put it that way...

How have I lied?

Distorted

I would think he was telling the truth. But as above, theres no trust between you. Possibly because you progressed the relationship far too quickly. You both seem out to catch the other one out. I think since the foundations of this relationship are so poor, you would have to do an awful lot of exceptional catching up work to improve it, and I don't see how thats possible.

Regarding all this keeping in touch with people on dating sites, mild flirting on Facebook, reading each other's messages, using each other's phones, people posing as imposters on dating sites - what a carry on! No wonder you have no time for the things that really matter in a relationship! This is why I would never use dating sites (or Facebook) to meet people, as so often it seems to upset the natural progression of things.

Chinafoot

noseyniamh wrote: »

Sorry for the long post and thanks for those who read it. Going out with my boyfriend roughly 7 months.

Living together for the last 2 months. (Very quick I know but it was more out of convenience for both of us).

Moving in with someone you barely know out of "convenience" is a terrible, terrible idea. Had you said "Very quick I know, but after 5 months we're mad about each other and didn't want to wait." I'm sure people would understand. Instead it sounds like nothing more than a business arrangement.

To have this much nonsense going on in the relationship really doesn't bode well. There is no trust on either side and it seems your solution is to just make him delete anyone he's ever flirted with from his life "out of respect for you".

To be frank, you're both acting like angsty teenagers and it sounds like neither of you are ready for a relationship, much less living with someone.

Miss Fluff

noseyniamh wrote: »

I told him I had deleted everyone that I spoke to and didn't understand why he didn't do the same.

So roll on last month. I leave my facebook and email logged in and he has a look through them. There was a few chats there from guys I know from my past

I'm not going to get into a he-said/she-said tit-for-tat based purely around semantics. Lies/deceit/covert and suspect behaviour - it all falls under the one umbrella tbh.

Neither of you are to be trusted and neither of you trust one another, you admitted yourself you're only living together out of "convenience".

I'm presuming you are both roughly about 18/19 years in age going from your post and your behaviour?

LegacyUser

We are both in our late 20's.

The 'convienence thing' : I had to move closer to work, he had to move closer to work, both our jobs are near each other. Neither of us wanted to live with strangers again so we decided getting a place together was a good idea. We both wanted to. He spent nearly 5/7 nights a week in my place anyway.

And living together so far has been perfect.

I agree with everyone here about the lack of trust. How do I overcome this though?

ElleEm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You clearly have zero trust for one another. And very little respect for one another or one anothe's privacy. The relationship sounds toxic.

Big mistake moving in so soon too, you hardly know one another and you clearly lie to one another.

I wouldn't be buying a hat, put it that way...

+1

You can't continue in a relationship where there is no trust and no respect for each other's privacy.

It sounds like there has been WAY too much drama in the short life of your relationship. It doesn't sound healthy at all.