parents don't approve of boyfriend because he has a child

LegacyUser

I met this great guy about two months ago I'm 21, he's 23. It was going really well have never met a nicer guy. Only thing is he has a child from a previous relationship. I was cautious at first but he is a great guy and it doesn't bother me, there is no chance of him and his ex getting back together.

We were at the stage where things are starting to get more serious so I decided to tell my parents that he had a child. They said they would advise me to finish it, they are not happy about it. They said I should never go out without with someone who has baggage and that it is hard enough to look after children when the parents are together never mind when they are split up.

I have never met someone who I get on so well with or who treats me so well, but at the end of the day I guess if my parents don't like him it will never work out long term

Would be grateful for advice from anyone who has ever been in this situation?

C-J

My partner and I aren't married and have a 2 and a half year old. If we were to split up in the morning, I know that in any new relationship I could never give 100%. Your child is number one and prospective partner will always come second. I have seen this situation first hand from friends relatives etc where the new partner found it too hard, particularly in the fathers case where he may have the child at weekends etc he mightnt be able to dedicate as much time to you. That being said, it can and does work out. Don't rush into a decision but your still young and it's a lot for anybody to take on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

Sunflower, I did point that out but they then said I'm still young enough that I should be able to find someone without any baggage.

It depends on the situation I don't always do as they say but I feel as if I don't have a choice here, I can't see this relationship lasting if my parents don't like him. I feel as if I have to choose between my parents who have done so much for me, and my boyfriend who I really care about

Had to laugh at the last line of your post, I'm thinking at this stage maybe it would be http://b-static.net/vbulletin/images/icons/icon10.gif

Moomoo1

guest18 wrote: »

It depends on the situation I don't always do as they say but I feel as if I don't have a choice here, I can't see this relationship lasting if my parents don't like him. I feel as if I have to choose between my parents who have done so much for me, and my boyfriend who I really care about

there is a contradiction in that paragraph. You obviously _do_ do what they say going by the last part.

the reality is, you are not forced to chose. If you put your foot down and say that this is someone that makes you happy like nobody else (so it's irrelevant that you are young enough: any other person will not be good enough by the virtue of not being him) I am sure that they will back down. It may take some time, but they will, if they truly love you.

There is a paradox in things like this. People always say 'partners shouldn't be in each others' pockets, they should sometimes go out and enjoy themselves with friends etc'. But why is pursuing a hobby or going out with friends ok, and spending time with a kid not ok?

I don't think your parents are concerned with the fact that he'd pay more attention to the child than you either. I think there is a stigma attached to young single parents as somehow 'immoral'.

Distorted

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think there is a stigma attached to young single parents as somehow 'immoral'.

I would think their main concern would be that, at 23, he has already created a child in a single parent family. You don't mention if the child stays with him or the mother OP, but I guess your parents are thinking he could do the same to you. Its not just that at 23 he has become a parent, its that he has also finished with the mother of that child and moved onto someone else. I think its understandable that they be concerned.

Their concern could of course be ameliorated by him showing himself to be constant, loyal and completely trustworthy over time. It sounds like your relationship isn't at this stage yet, so why not continue as you are until it is?

You also need to be aware that dating any person with a child is a big ask for many people - it means less money to spend on you as a couple and your own children for many years, ditto with time, constantly being in touch with an ex partner - if it doesn't mean this, it means that your partner is happy to neglect his own child.

I think thats why your parents are concerned.

qwerty13

For me personally, dating someone with a child would be a big no-no, because I don't want children - so my view on this is undoubtedly coloured by that!

I would take it that your parents may feel as Distorted said: they are probably concerned that you are getting into a very adult/responsible situation, which with the best will in the world comes with problems - when you should be at your age living life to the full and having fun. I don't mean insurmountable problems; but let's face it, a child does add problems in terms of time, restrictions on what you can do together, dealing with an ex, and money. If you are happy to deal with this, then that's great - but I can see why your folks would be concerned. Maybe they just aren't expressing it in a great way.

Ultimately it is your call, but no matter what you chose, there are sacrifices to be made: if you chose your parents, then you and your BF will both feel sad and hurt; if you chose him, then your parents will continue to feel concerned, and you will have to make space in your life for any issues that may come up in relation to his child. Neither option gives a 100% happy outcome: I guess it comes down to whether your love for you BF outweighs the associated complications.

I hope you work out which solution gives the happiest outcome for you.

ETA: I think we are all guilty of being a tad too judgemental about BFs/GFs when it comes to someone we love - we want the best for them, the most ideal and loving person, in the most ideal circumstances. So maybe your folks are just thinking like this? I know I've thought that way in the past about my siblings/friends. For me, I've got over myself about concerns when I've seen how happy a partner made someone that I cared about, even though I've thought some circumstances were pretty far from what I would hope for - maybe it will be the same with your folks?

ETA (again!): Maybe it might help if you told your folks that you understand their concerns, and appreciate how they are looking out for you; but that you are being careful and not jumping in both feet first? Just thinking about it, and I reckon that might be their major concern: that you will fall head over heels and disregard anything they have to say, so they are possibly jumping in too hard and too fast with the 'get out now' advice. Just a thought!

LegacyUser

Yeah OP your parents are probably worried that if he got some girl pregnant at 23 (or younger you don't say how old the child is or the mother is) that he might also get you knocked up.

I guess it depends on a few things..
Most importantly, Do you get along with the childs mother?
Do you want children?
How you get along with the child?

Like it or not he comes with a child, so if the relationship becomes long term there will always be 4 people in your relationship (you, him, the kid, the kids mother). This is something you have to be willing to accept.

Also maybe your parents are concerned about his past relationship. How did/does he treat the mother of his child? were they together long? How/why did the relationship end?
At the end of the day every parent wants to see their child happy and i doubt they would advise you to finish it unless they had some valid reasons. Listen to what they're telling you and take it on board, i'm not saying you have to agree with it but sometimes those we love can see things that are hard for us to see when we're caught up in the early stages of infatuation/lust/love.

If you go into this with your eyes open and are very careful with contraception in the sex department then do what you feel is right, not what you feel your parents want you to do. You only have one life, so live if how you want.

gypsy_rose

OP I was in your shoes not so long ago. If you like him that is the most important thing, at 21 you should have good enough judgement to know whether you want to take on this situation or not. It's worked out fine for me, it means having to get up early sometimes and perhaps not see as much of him as I'd like but I think he's also maybe more responsible and patient than other people his age. I'd recommend that if your parents have serious concerns about him that maybe they could meet him and see what a great guy he is. My parents were concerned about my bf and his character until he met them and they got on like a house on fire!

Moomoo1

Distorted wrote: »

I would think their main concern would be that, at 23, he has already created a child in a single parent family. You don't mention if the child stays with him or the mother OP, but I guess your parents are thinking he could do the same to you. Its not just that at 23 he has become a parent, its that he has also finished with the mother of that child and moved onto someone else. I think its understandable that they be concerned.

Well, people should not jump to conclusions. This isn't 1850 when you have to stay with the mother of your child no matter what.

Distorted wrote: »

You also need to be aware that dating any person with a child is a big ask for many people - it means less money to spend on you as a couple and your own children for many years, ditto with time, constantly being in touch with an ex partner - if it doesn't mean this, it means that your partner is happy to neglect his own child.

I really don't think money should come into choice of partner period, that's just mercenary. And regarding time... if he sees the kid at weekends, that still leaves 5 other days. Most people do not see each other for more than 5 days a week, so time isn't really an issue. Being in touch with an ex-partner - well many people are friends with their ex-partners. So it is not a 'big ask'. The problem is solely in people's heads, in people's prejudices, it's not in any way founded on reality.

karaokeman

C-J wrote: »

My partner and I aren't married and have a 2 and a half year old. If we were to split up in the morning, I know that in any new relationship I could never give 100%.

I disagree if the OP and her boyfriend are working together to help raise the child, it will help their commitment to one another.

If you are living with him it will be even moreso because you and your partner will be there night and day for the child.

You's will also be taking time off work and time with friends whatnot to be together for the child.

Remember that a kid needs the influence of two parents so breaking up with your partner just because he's a father may have a strong psychological effect on the child. It would be better if you're there with him and the kid, so that he/she is brought up by the two of you and not just your partner.

And really as you get older you need to make your own decisions in life. The parents will always disagree with some of your choices but you can't let them go just for that reason. I would never be where I am if that was the case for me.

Lollipops23

C-J wrote: »

My partner and I aren't married and have a 2 and a half year old. If we were to split up in the morning, I know that in any new relationship I could never give 100%. Your child is number one and prospective partner will always come second. I have seen this situation first hand from friends relatives etc where the new partner found it too hard, particularly in the fathers case where he may have the child at weekends etc he mightnt be able to dedicate as much time to you. That being said, it can and does work out. Don't rush into a decision but your still young and it's a lot for anybody to take on.

I'd disagree, my own father is re-married with 2 kids and is very happy. There were never any issues about me/her "coming first" really. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you cease to be when it comes to relationships. It just means that his priorities are a bit different to a lot of guys his age.
OP, I'd have a frank discussion with your parents. It's understandable they're concerned but once you let them know you're serious and have thought it all through they may back down.

ElleEm

OP, is it that they don't like him or is it that they don't like that he has a child?

They are very different things.

As they get to know him, and see his kindness towards you, they may begin to warm to him.

You're an adult, and although I agree that it would be difficult to be in a relationship where you're parents don't like your boyfriend, you can't throw away the possiblity of happiness because your parents don't like something about your boyfriend.

C-J

I'm just giving my own opinion I thought that was the point here?

KittyeeTrix

OP, as a parent of a soon to be 18 year old I can somewhat understand where your parents are coming from...
Ideally I would prefer my sons/daughters not become involved in a relationship with someone who already has kids. I believe it could possibly make a relationship more complicated and intense....

That said I would never tell them to leave someone they are happy with and I'd realise that the world is not ideal.

OP, you need to do what makes you happy but also reassure your parents that you understand that the road ahead may be a little tougher (or maybe not) and that you really would love their support.....

LegacyUser

OP here

Just to clarify a few things:

The child stays with his mother and my boyfriend sees the child every second or third day.

My parents don't like that he has a child, not that they don't like him but having said that they haven't met him yet.

I am still unsure as to what to do, it is a big commitment to make but it has been very helpful to hear different prospectives.

Thanks for all the opinions I will take them on board and hopefully do the right thing

Moomoo1

it's pretty clear what to do - just take things easy with him, enjoy your time and see how it goes, what sort of a person he is, how things work out with his first family. And tell your parents to stop panicking: it's not like you are marrying him tomorrow, or any time soon. Even if you do end up marrying this guy, it will be 5-7 years down the line, when the child is already old.

melon_collie

OP MooMoo is right. Take it slow, enjoy it and see where it goes.

ash23

I think you should let your parents meet him.

i know my exs parents disapproved when he told them we were going out. I had a baby and they were worried that I was looking for a meal ticket or something. I could understand their concerns so we went to spend the weekend with them and I brought my daughter.

By the time we left they were mad about the baby and they thought I was the bees knees.

8 years later and myself and him had split but I am still in contact with his mother and she still plays a role in my daughters life.

It's easy for them to judge when they don't know him.