The Misadventures of Bill the Crack Addict (Mature Content)

colm.ims

This probably won't appeal to all but maybe some of you will get a laugh out of it.. Bill is basically a deranged alter ego of sorts who gets up to mischief in Dublin City. Below is Day 1 of his diary. If people are interested i can post more of his entries. I welcome any comments, good or bad

Dear Diary

Walked down Grafton Street shouting random obscenities such as “Guantanemo Rules” and “The Bankers ****ed your wallet” at anyone who would listen. Ended up being chased by a group of Chav like Northsiders who were hell bent on stealing my silver Ipod that was ironically belting out the tune “Gold “ by Chris Frost.

Escaped by fleeing into the costume and Joke shop on Stephen’s green. My neurons were overloaded by the sight of super hero costumes, sexy nurses outfits and other random joke items. Couldn’t decide on what to buy but eventually settled for a kangaroo costume that I had planned wearing to Down Under up the street while singing I ****ed Walt Matilda in homage to the Aussie bar i was about to visit and Disney Inc.

Threw a stink bomb at the pack of drunks outside the Abbey Theatre trying to hint at the fact they may need to take a shower in the near future. A four foot, toothless hag with a beer belly and pronounced humpback proceeded to drink the vile vial of poisonous liquid, joyously exclaiming it tasted just like the 13 cans of Dutch Gold she had consumed in the previous hours.

The listings in the theater announced the next show was Little Red Riding Hood at 8.30.

Doubled back on myself and exchanged kangaroo costume for second hand wolf suit in costume shop. Back at the Abbey Theatre put on said wolf costume and did a rain dance while howling at the moon in a voice like Freddy Mercury. To my surprise the drunks joined in and we resembled a vagrant circus act recently thrown off the Swords dual carriageway for not brushing their elephants’ teeth. Choreography was quite random but not too dissimilar to a post watershed version of Fatboy Slim’s “Praise You”.

Received approximately €14.67 in loose change duly provided by passing tourists and amused onlookers. Had to fight one of the drunks for the right to keep the change but won the battle by placing 2 bottles of Head and Shoulders out in front of me in the shape of a cross. He staggered backwards and proceeded to melt into the piss pool he had been creating for himself over the last week.

Lucky I watched Dracula last week or he might have maimed me.....

My elation was cruelly destroyed by a group of ragged Romanians with trumpets and a saxophone, who had been supposedly minding their own business whilst playing Christmas carols in exchange for Frappacino vouchers for the nearest Insomnia cafe. From what I could gather from their frisky feral language, they had been there first and did not take kindly to me robbing their customers.

Tried to fight off filthy feral trumpeters with last remaining stink bomb but it only served to increase their power and suddenly one of them took the form of that yellow Transformer who talks like Stephen Hawking, or maybe that second meth bowl was kicking in.....

Somehow managed to repel giant robot by grabbing a weapon from one of those guys whose job it is to hold signs all day, this one pointing to the nearest Golf Sale.

Left the madness of Grafton Street after one woman complained that I had tried to eat her cardigan,, she may have had a point but to me it did look like a packet of fizzy frosties that I was so fond of as a kid.

She’s lucky I didn’t go through with my original plan and try to suck the fizzy frostie juice from her ample breasts.........

Made my way up to the nearest pet shop and inquired about the possibility of training a small troupe of duck billed platypus to go on a clandestine bombing mission into AIB headquarters. Shop Assistant looked at me with an air of incredulity that lead me to believe she was only in training and was not yet qualified to speak of such complex animal behaviourisms.

Decided to postpone Operation "Platypus’s are the Bomb” until I could gather more information on both the animals themselves and the schematics of the bank.

Fail to Prepare-Prepare to Fail- I read this on a fortune cookie as I was robbing the local Chinese take away and it is a small piece of information that ironically should have known before trying to rob the place completely naked and armed only with a half eaten banana and a decapitated Barbie doll.

Escaped the Pet Shop just as unqualified assistant was phoning the police. Did manage to flee with a small budgie whom I quickly named Fleebert and a salamander called Sally. Was able to christen both Sally and Fleebert in a nearby puddle so that if anything happened they would be able to make it into heaven, or at least under the Golden Arches of Mickey D’s.

Phoned Joe Duffy’s Liveline to complain about the falling standards of Dublin Petshops, citing my previous experience of struggling to get even the most basic information out of shop assistants. Joe likened pet shop assistants to employees in the Public Service, stating that they were bleeding the country dry.

Had to cut conversation with Joe short as Fleebert was actually being bled dry by Sally who obviously had not listened to my thoughts on how we should all just get along. Didn’t have time to arrange proper funeral so placed Fleebert in my empty Big Mac box, set it on fire and watched him sail down the Liffey to Valhalla or to wherever the budgie equivalent of this Viking Utopia is.

Put on “I Believe I can Fly ” by R. Kelly to mark the sad occasion of Fleebert’s funeral only to be accosted by a group of anti child abuse activists marching across the H’apenny bridge.

Felt tired so got the 41A to Glasnevin only to find myself in Swords discussing the severe misappropriation of words by the marketers of urinal “cakes” with a bouncer from a local bar..... Went into Spar and bought 12 packets of urinal cakes. Started throwing “cakes” at the bouncer, asking him in manically shrieked tones if it tasted like a Mr. Kipling or an Apple Tart.

Promptly arrested by police....

Day over............