suddenly over someone

LegacyUser

Split with gf of 6 months a couple of weeks ago. Sudden switch in her behaviour from one extreme to the other wrt interest in the relationship, when it was no longer immediately convenient for her to be in it. Very deceitful person. Head has been really really wrecked from it for lots of reasons - feel like the whole thing was just a game to her, feel taken as a fool, feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy, and had made significant life decisions based on the relatinship, she was pretty cruel with a lot of things she said and did. Nevermind the fact I was really happy and in love.

Met that girl very soon after splitting with my ex of five years - though didnt start going out for a few months after that.

Started talking to my ex, who had gotten in touch. Dont think either of us want to get back together or anything. Mainly talking through what happened in our relationship, now things aren't so emotive, and talking about some personal stuff she went through since. I didn't go into any detail at all about the girl I saw since or the manner of the breakup.

But the girl I split with recently seems almost irrelevant now. Which is great and all because that's how I think I should feel about her, considering.

What I don't get is why I switched from being extremely distressed and unable to really bend my head around things I recognised with her - to just feeling kinda pissed off about it in a more abstract kinda way.

Maybe it's just talking to a girl I've been intimate with? I've no problem talking to women but I really felt wholly focused on my recent ex, and didn't like the way that didn't seem to be changing. Whereas while I don't want to be with my other ex, I can at least easily imagine being with her, because I was for five years and all. There's been some level of emotional intimacy talking to her. I've spoken to other girls and had them open up to me a bit, but I dunno - I don't really like emotional intimacy from people I don't really know - especially right now. Dont want to have sex with anyone right now either.

Or maybe the new one was very much a rebound thing? I liked her partially because of traits that were very much the opposite to my other ex. Passive instead of aggressive, introverted and kinda hard to make out as opposed to extraverted and very direct and verbal, extremely focused on herself instead of extremely focused on other people. I really only started to feel sad about the five year relationship after I split with the new one. Though I think that was more to do with reflecting and thinking a lot in general and therefore understanding things a bit more.

Any insights? I mean not from the mental cases on this who will want to say I'm a horrible person because I don't outline how lovely I am and how horrible other people are..

johnr1

If you have a clear question, then ask it and people will try to answer.

The people here give up their time to answer questions and to try to give advice to strangers for no personal gain or agenda.

Starting off from the position of suggesting that half of us are mental cases ain't the right way to ask for help sunshine.

Miss Fluff

whatdoesthatmean wrote: »

Any insights? I mean not from the mental cases on this who will want to say I'm a horrible person because I don't outline how lovely I am and how horrible other people are..

Insights into what sweetie? How aggressive and bitter you come across in your post? Abusing people in PI before you've even been given an answer to let's face it here, seems to be a train of thought rant as opposed to anything remotely constructive?

LegacyUser

Youre suddenly over her cos she was only a distraction from the first ex. A rebound to protect you from dealing with the fall out of a 5 year break up. Now the first ex is back, she puts the 6month relationship into perspective for what it was -a takeaway as opposed to a banquet.

Agree with the others about you sounding aggressive and bitter. Cant imagine would be too great being in a close relationship with you when thats how you are to strangers over the internet

Distorted

You learn from your experiences as you go through life. It sounds like you have learnt quite a lot from these two relationships and are assimilating them. Your comments on the different characters of both of your exs are quite insightful. However they are to some extent value judgements.

You also miss out on analysing your own good self. This paragraph:-

whatdoesthatmean wrote: »

Sudden switch in her behaviour from one extreme to the other wrt interest in the relationship, when it was no longer immediately convenient for her to be in it. Very deceitful person. Head has been really really wrecked from it for lots of reasons - feel like the whole thing was just a game to her, feel taken as a fool, feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy, and had made significant life decisions based on the relatinship, she was pretty cruel with a lot of things she said and did. Nevermind the fact I was really happy and in love.

And your comment about "mental cases" suggest to me that you have a very self important ego and are quite selfish in your approach to relationships. All you mention is about you, and how you were affected and inconvenienced. To any neutral outsider, it is obvious that a person in a relationship has the right to make choices about their own future, and not choosing to be in a relationship does not mean that someone is a bad person, only that they don't choose a relationship with you. You do not own someone and their future simply because you enter into a relationship with them.

If this is the case, what do you think it says about YOU that you have been involved in choosing these two failing relationships? Why do you judge your own place in life on whether or not you have a relationship or sex with someone? Are you solely extrinsically motivated (ie by only how you appear to others?).

In answer to your question as to why you've got over the second ex quite quickly - could it be because it wasn't that a long relationship and therefore its simply a health reaction to get over such a relationship more quickly?

LegacyUser

You're either lying looking for sympathy or seriously stupid to be making 'significant life decisions' based on some 6 month relationship that you jumped straight into after 5 years with someone else.

Either way both girls are well rid tbh

LegacyUser

Ok apparently saying dont attack me just makes more people attack me.

Distorted you are pretty close with the extrinsic motivation thing btw. That is something I recognised myself since splitting with the last one. My motivation comes from how I relate to people I care for. I tend to disregard my own needs as a result. It's not good. Motivating myself to do things for myself seems pretty difficult.

No I'm not motivated by being in a relationship or having sex with someone exactly - but I am motivated by how useful I feel to people I care for..

I'm bitter and angry because the second one led me to do everything for her and gave nothing in return but empty promises, then dumped me when I was no longer convenient, and used up in some ways. Immediately found someone else more convenient to look after her then too. The first one did care - a lot I beieve, and was not deceitful, but was extremely controlling, and emotionally and physically abusive, and would use anything at all to hurt me or control me when she was angry or not satisfied with something. I spent a day in hospital and have a scar on my face from missing a spot while cleaning one day. I've no interest in being with someone now, or even leaving my room that much - because I'm bitter and angry. When I'm pursuing a relationship on the other hand I'm generally pretty happy and dedicated.

I was 100% faithful to both, did whatever I could for both, and was 100% honest with the second one. The first one had a bad temper so I felt unable to tell her everything for fear of provoking that, but was never deceitful with anything non-trivial with her.

Yes the life decisions thing was extremely stupid, I fully agree.

The thing with just moving on if someone doesn't want to be with you - I agree with that too - however when you make sacrifices for someone to the point of using yourself up based on promises and lies from them - well it hits harder. Again I know that was stupid too.

LegacyUser

wrt to the answers to the question, the emotional rebound thing makes the most sense I think. I felt frustrated and helpless with the first one, and pretty bad about myself from all the put downs. The second one made me feel very empowered and good about myself, which satisfied my emotional needs at the time. Unfortunately that importance was all based on how useful I was to her.

Distorted

Well OP, now you are sounding really very hurt and in pain, rather than so angry. Its the old story, time will make you feel better and probably you do need to do all this reflection and spend time on your own to make sense of things, and to avoid making the same mistakes in future. You sound a very logical thinker, so you should manage.

whatdoesthatmean wrote: »

I liked her partially because of traits that were very much the opposite to my other ex. Passive instead of aggressive, introverted and kinda hard to make out as opposed to extraverted and very direct and verbal, extremely focused on herself instead of extremely focused on other people.

Anyone would feel angry if they think they have been used. Relationships often involve you doing things for each other, but when its one person doing all the doing, you would be right in feeling used. Personally I prefer outgoing, honest people as I think they are less likely to be users. And of course the danger with the quiet introverted type is when you go to them with an issue that needs resolving, they clam up and make you feel like you're in the wrong for asking! I say this from experience with friends - its not just partners in a relationship who will try to use you. Personally I can't be bothered with such people but it can be quite hard to spot them, as you attend to assume most people will be reasonably unselfish and not a user!