Will I ever be able to move on?

LegacyUser

Is it normal to never get over being abandoned by a parent? My dad left when I was a baby and I just can't get over it...

I'm 22 and the pain is still so raw and debilitating that it's ruining my life. I often feel consumed by devastation and pain. I just can't get over the rejection. I can't trust people. I have no self-esteem.

I am quite a successful person on paper (good L.C., Degree from Trinity, Masters, all that crap) but I never feel good enough. I constantly strive for his approval and no matter how well I do, I never do enough to catch his attention. This makes me feel like a waste of space. I think I only push myself because I want him to notice me, not because I enjoy it.

In real life, I can't stop gaining weight. I can't look at myself without feeling hatred. I hate making friends or being around people. I'm ruining my own life.

Has anyone here been through something similar?
Is it possible to move on?



Story (If you're interested):
He had been with my mum for 8 years before I was born, I was planned and they documented the pregnancy is photographs and a journal together. Despite this initial care, when I was a couple of weeks old he left us and moved to New York.

He stayed in America for 11 years before returning to Ireland. He visited me and my mum 2-3 times and that was it. He still lives in Ireland but has nothing to do with me now.

He refused to sign my birth cert, he makes no effort to contact me, if I email him he replies with one sentence replies. He has no interest in me at all.

He's a very intelligent, educated and quite a successful man. He is very charismatic and has many friends. He often takes care of my cousins and loves them but he won't go near me.

I don't understand what I could have done to deserve this.

I wish he would just tell me that he hates me. The silence is so much worse.

I am a friend

Meet him and ask him- you deserve some answers!! Have you gotten the picture from your mothers side? Can she explain? Bear in mind there are two sides to every story

Given how deeply this is affecting you, I would recommend you talk to your doctor and figure out if you need some counselling.

Big hugs xx

dirtypanties

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you are going through this...My Dad left my Mum when she was pregnant-they were engaged but when she told him she was pregnant he decided he was too young for the responsibility and left.I have never had any contact with him-I was never told his name and she burned all photos of him.

I think tbh my situation is easier because you can't miss what you've never had and I can just tell myself he's probably dead/in prison/a drug addict etc etc and write him off but in your situation it must be hard not having a reason why your Dad cut you out of his life like that and you obviously know a lot about him/where he is etc.

The only thing you can do is say 'his loss' and get on with life and eventually have your own family and shower them with all the love that was with held from you growing up.

I do understand how you must feel rejected-I feel like that every day-unwanted,and that I wasn't 'good enough' and I feel quite cheated that I didn't get the 2 parent situation but you can't change the past and you can't force him to be in contact unfortunately.

He sounds like the kind of man who can shut out his feelings-he might feel shame for leaving you and your mum and this is his selfish way of self preservation?

Either way the best thing you can do for yourself is to close yourself off from him I think-He knows where you are if he wants to sit down and give you some answers.

Go out and try to build a happy life for yourself and close the book so to speak-start a new chapter-Have all the things he gave up because one day when he is an old man he will be lonely and feel so ashamed on what he misse d out on.

My Dad (if I can even call him that) has missed out on/and is missing out on his 2 Granddaughters who he will never see.

That to me is worse punishment than anything he has ever done to me.

My mum died 7 years ago-an alcoholic who had never gotten over being abandoned by the man she truly was in love with.

That spurs me on everyday not to let him destroy my life too.

Good luck OP.

qwerty13

Is there any chance that he isn't your Dad? Sorry to raise that as a possibility, but it's a big leap to go from planning and documenting the arrival of baby to suddenly emigrating and refusing to put his name on your birth cert. The fact that he has what sounds like a very good relationship with your cousins makes it sound even odder - I'm presuming that they're on your Mum's side, as you didn't say 'with his nieces and nephews'.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thank you so much for replying.

I am a friend - Thanks for your advice. I wish I could talk to him about it but he's just so blasé and disinterested that he just won't listen to me. I once sent him and angry text when I was in my teens confronting him and he just sent me back a patronising text saying that I was acting over dramatic and that he thought I was just being a grumpy teenager. As far as my mother's side of the story goes, she won't admit it very often but she is still head over heels in love with him (or at least the person he used to be). She cries if I mention him and she treasures photos of them together (they had a wonderful life together full of travel and parties). She has even written little notes on the back of some of the photos of him saying "I will love you forever". This was so confusing for me growing up - I feel like I ruined everything for her.

Dirtypanties - I can't explain how uplifting it is to hear from a person who has been in a similar situation. Your ability to be positive gives me hope. My mother has problems with prescription drugs (similar maybe to your mum's alcohol issue). I think she tries to numb out the pain or memories or whatever. My father definitely ruined my mother's life, and you've inspired me to try and not let him ruin mine also. Thank you.

Qwerty13 - I am definitely his daughter. He has never denied that to me. I am the image of him, so much so that I actually look nothing like my mother. I think he doesn't want to sign the birth cert in case I ever tried to get money out of him. He never gave my mum money to help out when I was growing up.

Sunflower27 - I think that I need to find the strength that you did to cut him out of my life. I always say that I hate him but whenever he does contact me (1-2 times a year) I become putty in his hands, looking for a daddy. I need to be strong like you. With regard to my cousins, when I was 10 my cousins were orphaned and they had to move in with my father's parents, my father became almost a surrogate father to them, lavishing them with present and holidays. I think now maybe that was a way to get rid of his guilt of not taking care of me or something but at the time, through my child eyes I just saw my daddy loving them and not me. I know they needed him but in my eyes I saw that they had their parents and after their parents passed away they had my dad and my grand parents - all of the adults who never acknowledged or loved me accept and love them.

Thanks everyone for replying. It really does mean a lot.

I feel a little bit self-indulgent spilling my secrets to you all but it is the first time that I hae let myself do that before and it's a weight off my chest for me to be able to share the secrets with others for once.

I did go to a counsellor before but I didn't feel capable at the time to admit even to myself how devastating I really found this whole situation. I always try to present myself as in control but I think I needed to admit to myself that I am not in control of this grief before I tell someone else. I think I will go find a new counsellor. Thanks again.

midlandsmissus

Hi ah somewhere I feel I can be of real use! And I think I know the reason.

I'll explain my situation - slightly different, my parents were married and by the time I came along the marriage was in a bad state, and she left him when I was 5. But i was a real Daddy's girl and I had really bonded with him in those 5 years.

Their divorce was VERY bitter and she moved us far away from him. She wouldn't allow us to see him alot and we had sporadic contact, I saw him once a year at 7, 9, 12, 13, and 14, I then got a letter off him saying he didn't want to see me again. That it was to hard for him blah blah.

I cried and cried and thought if he really loved me he'd want to see me. I wrote him hundreds of letters all through my late teens, through college, telling him what I was up to, begging him to see me. I never got a reply.

I felt like you, like it was a HUGE part of my life, and I was ashamed to tell other people that I was of so little worth that my own father didn't want me (that's how I felt).

Anyway I thought of it constantly from 14 up to 26 (last year), when I decided to go and face him. I knew his address and he lives in England so I had a scary trip over on my own, but it was the best thing I ever did.

He blamed my mother of course, and I said well if you blame her for taking us away from you why have'nt you wanted to see me when I've been desperately triyng to contact you for the last few years?

Anyway I could see what the real reason was, he had a new girlfriend, he had retired, he was enjoying travelling the world. He had a nice easy stress free life, and we were causing him stress so he blocked us out.

He wasn't horrible to me and we had a chat, but there was no close loving bond there anymore. I saw him for what he is : selfish. Putting his needs before mine. I went away just seeing him as a human being.(I'll explain this later)

When I got home he sent me a letter saying he couldn't see me as it had caused him so much stress.

And do you know what I felt: an enormous sense of closure.

From 14 to 26 I had constantly wondered about him, and I think you have a tendency to build up your absent father as a hero in your head, but I saw him just for what he was - a human being who made mistakes. And I felt so much peace and closure over the whole thing, and am now able to move on.

I rarely think about him now, only to accept it as what it is. I would really reccomend you turning up on his door and having a face to face to him. REALLY recommend this.
And try to remember your parents don't define you - just because your dad may be weak, and finds it easier to shirk away from his responsibilities doesn't mean he didn't love you, and that you're not lovable, try to think we're all human and we all make mistakes, even our parents .

ennis81

Like everyone else has said Find a good counsellor, it will do you the world of good to speak to an outsider and unburden yourself, I had to go to 2 before a found a wonderful lady who helped me loads.
Its not your fault hun, you did nothing wrong at all and it is completely his loss, I do think you should confront him face to face if you can handle it, just to get some closure for yourself at least and allow yourself to heal.

Make the most of every minute of your life, do not allow this to ruin anything else for you, look at all you have accomplished already, one thing I have learned over the years is that you can't change people they are what they are, and you must find a way to accept that. Your mother should have protected you from this situation more, it must have been very confusing for you growing up.

I sincerely hope that any absent fathers reading the OP's post can see the damage that abandoning a child can do. Some people are so damn selfish.