I think my wife needs help

LegacyUser

3 months ago my wife had our 3rd baby. 2 week ago she told me she does not love me in a physical way. She suffered from depression on our other 2 kids.

Now a bit of background: After our first child my wife had bad depression. She asked me to take over everything in our lives. All the bills, all the organisation, everything except the baby and the household. She gave up work as she could not be seperated from the baby. We took a break from sex for maybe 8 months, and things seemed ok after that.
She seemed to take a year in total to recover but we worked through it together.
After the second baby she had milder depression. Again we worked through it and came out together.
Then I became addicted to porn. (I'm not proud of it but it needs to be said here). She discovered some pictures on my laptop and I begged forgivess. But like all addicts I returned to it. Again she found out and things were touch and go for several months but again we worked through it together. I now don't look at porn at all incase I get addicted again. She told me she had body issues and that I had really hurt her. I accepted all this as the truth because it was.

Then after another 3 years we had a bad fight about a girl I worked with who was texting me a couple of times a day. Nothing flirty or sexual but my wife was not happy so I stopped texting her.

When we got pregnant again we were so happy. Then my wife started texting an ex of her. I found out and asked her to stop. She promised to.

Now she has had the baby and I have discovered she is in contact with this guy 24/7. 3 hours of talk and 100-200 texts a day. She says it is because she has no female friends.

Now she says she does not love me anymore. She wants us to remain as best friends. She says she can't think of sex ever again.

I have never pushed for sex, but have always taken it if she offered.

This is a bit of a ramble but basically I'm asking, is she depressed again? She loves me I am sure, but tells me I am suffocating her.

I love her totally and the kids too. If I give her time will she love me again? At this stage I dont care about the sex I just want my wife back

Should I push the issue of this ex she is in contact with? I don't think she would cheat on me as she had a caesarian and is not physically able for sex.

jimmycrackcorm

She is actually cheating on you. All the daily texts and calls means she is conducting relationship with her ex. Have you tried marriage counselling?

Moomoo1

I don't think she needs help. You however need to stop tolerating her behaviour.

Kadongy

After our first child my wife had bad depression. She asked me to take over everything in our lives. All the bills, all the organisation, everything except the baby and the household.

This is never a good idea.

Then I became addicted to porn. (I'm not proud of it but it needs to be said here). She discovered some pictures on my laptop and I begged forgivess. But like all addicts I returned to it. Again she found out and things were touch and go for several months but again we worked through it together. I now don't look at porn at all incase I get addicted again. She told me she had body issues and that I had really hurt her. I accepted all this as the truth because it was.

By addicted to porn do you mean you were turning to it instead of sex with your wife while the two were on offer as a matter of course?
Because it sounds to me like she wasn't actually offering much sex. If you're getting refused sex you're going to feel pathetic if you're masturbating about her tbh. So that leaves looking at porn or looking at other people. Stop me if I'm wrong, but to me it reads as "she wrecked my head into feeling guilty and obliged to her" rather than "I was addicted to porn"


She sounds like she has Narcsisstic Personality Disorder. You sound like you're codependent. I'm not a psychoanalyst or anything and that's not medical advice. I would suggest reading up on the topics though as you might find a lot of people experience the sort of stuff you're describing at least.

Personally I would insist on meeting a psychiatrist with her. I would do this with the agenda of intending to separate and being trying to build a very strong case to keep custody of the children. She does not sound like someone who is going to do anything but harm to your kids overall.

LegacyUser

OP back again.
I have some more information which I need to share. (as my head is not working properly).

I have confronted her about this guy. She says she talks to him as she has no female friends and finds making male friends easier. (Looking back over our relationship this is true, she has another male friend who she chats to and I feel no threat from it).

She has offered to stop speaking to him as she knows it upsets me and also that if it ever came out that she was talking to him it would look very bad to outsiders.
But I am not sure if this is a test or not. Could she just be seeing if I want to control this part of her life also?

She is going away with work for 6 weeks very soon and I know she will miss the newborn. (I am not worried as to the people she is going with as I know them).

I love her and would forgive her anything (maybe i am an idiot). We had 2 good days as I did not push the issue with her and we got on ok. Now she is happy that I wait until after Christmas to move out.

A couple of times she has said that sometime in the future she might want to have a relationship but that I should not wait around as it might not be with me.

I know her and I know she loves me. I believe she is nervous that I want sex and she does not want it and cant see herself ever wanting it. Is she telling me that I should just go or is she trying to say, without saying it, that she does not know what is going on?

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post but my head is even less organised!

And thanks for taking the time to read this and to all you who responded

Kadongy

She's manipulating you in a vicious manner.

You make it sound like you should be grateful to her for allowing you to stay until after xmas.

She makes it sound like she's humouring you by not speaking to the guy she's cheating on you with. She clearly hasn't taken responsibility for doing something wrong even a tiny bit.

I would bet that when she says she might want a relationship in future - but it might not be with you she says it in such a way as to make you think she means with you at first - then *BANG* - she knocks you down. It's a brutal way of attacking your self-esteem.

She's clearly doing a very good job. You sound extremely distressed. Please realise she will be just as nasty with your children if she is anywhere near them. If she's able to get you - an adult who seems to try to be rational - into this state of distress, imagine what she'll be able to do with children..

I really suggest you read up on NPD.

LegacyUser

Kadongy, thanks for your thoughts.

I have read up on NPD and thats not her. Her problem is she is completly the opposite. She has no self confidence and has body issues. She has bulemia. She feels worthless, this is why I can not be hard on her. (Maybe I am a dickhead).

When she had our 2nd child her breasts shrunk a lot and she decided to have breast augmentation. It was her idea but I did encourage it once she raised the idea.
When she discovered the porn she thought I was still not happy with her. I was I was just using it as an outlet.

Now she says that although she did forgive me for those things at the time she now can't forget or forgive.

(This is very wrong I know but I will say it anyway, don't judge me just accept that it is the act of a desperate man). She left her online billing details logged into the PC by saving her password or something, anyway I have access.

Over the last 2 days the volume of calls and texts has dropped dramitically. Down to maybe 10 minutes of chat and 15 messages (from 3 or 4 hours and 100 texts per day).

Could she have woken up to it being wrong? She says she realises that it would look wrong to somebody on the outside. Or is she just being smart?

I don't expect answers but maybe I need to wake up and smell the coffee before it burns me.

I love her as I have said, and deep down I think she loves me. How can I get her to come to the doctor with me? Or am I just a fool

curlzy

Hey OP,

I hope that it is just depression and that she snaps out of it soon. Taking the depression out of the equation what's she like? Demanding? Hot then cold? Unreasonable? Needy? Basically all of the nasty traits you've written about here. Without knowing her it's really hard to say bth she sounds really nasty. I have a very healthy sex life but my bf watches porn. I don't because I don't like the industry it supports but that's my choice. I think demanding you partner don't watch porn at the same time as withholding sex is really really selfish and the whole image thing is boll*x. If that was the case then in fairness you really should just blind yourself because I'm sure you see really hot girls on t.v., magazine, walking around etc. To me it just sounds like control. If I were you I'd cover my ass and get to a solicitor, the family law in this country is horrifically sexist against men. Just get the best advice you can and follow it. If she snaps out of it then well and good but if she's like this all the time then get out of it. You don't deserve to live constantly on edge and following her demands to keep her happy. If you stay in something like that then you'll be doing you kids a great disservice, you'll be teaching them that it's ok to treated like poo by your partner. That's not something you want to teach them.

Best of luck

Kadongy

man needs help wrote: »

Kadongy, thanks for your thoughts.

I have read up on NPD and thats not her. Her problem is she is completly the opposite. She has no self confidence and has body issues. She has bulemia. She feels worthless, this is why I can not be hard on her. (Maybe I am a dickhead).

When she had our 2nd child her breasts shrunk a lot and she decided to have breast augmentation. It was her idea but I did encourage it once she raised the idea.
When she discovered the porn she thought I was still not happy with her. I was I was just using it as an outlet.

Now she says that although she did forgive me for those things at the time she now can't forget or forgive.

(This is very wrong I know but I will say it anyway, don't judge me just accept that it is the act of a desperate man). She left her online billing details logged into the PC by saving her password or something, anyway I have access.

Over the last 2 days the volume of calls and texts has dropped dramitically. Down to maybe 10 minutes of chat and 15 messages (from 3 or 4 hours and 100 texts per day).

Could she have woken up to it being wrong? She says she realises that it would look wrong to somebody on the outside. Or is she just being smart?

I don't expect answers but maybe I need to wake up and smell the coffee before it burns me.

I love her as I have said, and deep down I think she loves me. How can I get her to come to the doctor with me? Or am I just a fool

Read more about it. Having body issues, feeling worthless and having no self-confidence are all very typical of it tbh. At core, people with NPD always feel worthless. They inflate themselves by projecting an image - or inflate other people in the same way. They swing between extremes of being extremely hard on themselves and praising themselves hugely. She's deflated and extremely hard about herself. It's all completely about her.

She is being smart. She let you stumble across that. She knew you'd look. Now you feel guilty and she has moral high ground.

Ickle Magoo

Kadongy, As per the forum charter, can you please leave the diagnosis for those qualified and in a position to make them.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice so far.

I know you have a job to do Ickle so thanks for looking out for me, but really I'm not expecting answers here. I'm just looking for opinions.

My wife has had bulimia for 20 years. She managed to control it (at least I thought she did) for a few years. But now she has had the last baby she has really decended into a black place. She goes on very long walks every day and comes home with her legs aching. She has major gastric problems going on and this could be to do with the bulimia. She is pushing herself for too much for someone who had a caeasarian 12 weeks ago.

I know plenty of people think that being in contact with an ex is wrong, but maybe I have not been there for her.

Its like that place I had at her side (on an emotional level) has been taken over by this other guy. I need to somehow convince her that I can be the person who she can confide in.

We have shared secrets that nobody else knows about (I don't think she would tell this other guy about her bulimia, its a source of huge shame to her).

Sometimes I ask her how her struggle with eating is going and she looks at me as if I'm judging her and not trying to understand her which is what I am doing.

She won't go to the doctor or counciling. If I told anyone else about our situation then she would take the kids and disappear.

I know I need to talk to my doctor about myself as this is eating me up badly. We use the same doctors surgery, should I make an appointment with her doctor and tell her everything?

I don't think she will stop contacting this other guy until I show that I can be the shoulder she needs. Maybe I have been selfish since I lost my job but I have been trying to get work. And it looks like I will get something in the next month fingers crossed.

Is the fact that I am home all the time an issue? She said before that she doesn't get a chance to miss me as I'm always there.

I am so very worried about her. I love her so much.

TheBig

OP here

I've just realised I registered a while ago so its easier to use this username.

I sent in a post a while ago but it is still not up and my head is melted.

I trust my wife completly. And I love her with all my heart.

Is it possible to win her back? The more I think about it the more I realise she has an illness. The bulimia has taken over her life recently and maybe that is a big contributor.

If the last post as an unregistered user does not appear in a while I will repost what I can remember of it.

How do I show her I care for her??

Ickle Magoo

man needs help wrote: »

I know you have a job to do Ickle so thanks for looking out for me, but really I'm not expecting answers here. I'm just looking for opinions.

I appreciate that but the replies you get must still respect the forum charter and rules within. :cool:

TheBig

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I appreciate that but the replies you get must still respect the forum charter and rules within. :cool:

Of course, I understand. Rules are Rules (That sounds kind of ironic to me at the moment for some reason!!)

TheBig

She has changed her mind a bit about me moving out. Now it is better if I wait until after Christmas if we can remain civil to each other.

We still sleep in the same bed. (mistake?)

She has asked me if I want to ring this ex to speak to him but I declined (as I'm not sure how controlled I would be with him)

I'm seeing her doctor tomorrow for a slight problem I have myself, should I say anything to the doctor?

I just want her to talk to me, I want to get through to her. Sometimes I can see it in her eyes that she has something there for me, then it is gone.

Taltos

Maybe I am missing something.
But she is the one who wants to end this marriage - so why would you move out, why would you leave her with the children?

I am a bit torn here - we only have one side of what is going on and I have seen how things can be twisted by the partner that feels wronged. My Ex bro in law convinced my sister's doctor that she had something seriously wrong from his descriptions of her behaviour, he conveniently left out his addiction to porn.
Interest in porn is one thing, addiction to the point of tearing up a family is something else.

Maybe you should see about finding a counsellor to talk to yourself - help you work through all of your emotions. I would suggest you also seek legal advice - I know you want the marriage to survive - but I think it prudent to protect yourself should it not.

In terms of continuing to share the same bed - personally I am not sure if that is a good idea - but I am not a relationship/marriage counsellor - maybe again getting advice there can help. Or ask your wife - would she prefer to sleep alone - start up basic communication here - don't pressurize her - but ask her what it is she wants.

seenitall

Hi OP,

to be brutally honest, you come across as an absolute doormat in your posts. You are giving away all the power in your marriage, either because you feel guilty about the porn thing, or more likely because you are a self esteem-free zone. Even reading your posts feels a bit icky, sorry. No person, bulimic or otherwise, would want to be with a doormat instead of a partner. Doormats aren't respected and they aren't loved. They are just used. Your toxic set up may be convenient for your wife atm for all sorts of reasons but it is still toxic and is leading into a dead-end.

Get yourself some counselling for your self esteem issues, pronto, or you will be minced meat by the time your marriage ends (which is well underway by the sounds of it).

TheBig

It is absolutly true you only have 1 side of the story. I am telling everything so you can make some suggestions.

Maybe I am being a doormat. But I really believe that my beautiful friend is still in there and I need to get her out.

If I did get her to the doctor then everything would be out in the open, I have no secrets. I want this to work, there is no point of secrets at this stage.

Maybe I feel that I have controlled everything and now I need to show her that I can give her control?

Its such a mess

Taltos

TheBig wrote: »

Its such a mess

It is because of this you need to take some action

1. Talk to your doc - stress etc
2. Talk to a counsellor - to help you deal with the stress and to help you work through these issues and stop blaming yourself... It is not just your fault by the way...
3. Talk to a solicitor / legal aid - why should you move out, what are your rights with the children if this does not work out.

I am not suggesting 3 above in preparation of your marriage ending - I am suggesting this as based on what she is saying it is over and you need to really protect yourself.

In the meantime keep working on the relationship. Thing is you cannot force her to get help, equally you cannot fix her - only she can do this - all you can do is your best - and sometimes that does mean watching out for yourself.

Clearly the porn was one of the triggers - however it equally is an excuse on her side... Many couples enjoy porn together and alone - however this is only possible with open and clear discussion around boundaries.

Wish you all the best OP - stop blaming yourself - set out some small steps and follow through - it might give you clarity - but at least having direction will hopefully take your mind off things a bit...

EDIT: She might tell you to stop trying to help - to just leave her alone. Be prepared that you will have to do this - if you keep pushing something will snap...

LegacyUser

It was very decent and responsible for you to take up the slack for your wife during her first depression. You should be proud of that, it's what good partners do.

As for the porn, the texts with your co-worker, and her texts with her ex, they all add up to a fairly bad picture. She is likely experiencing some depression and that might be feeding into her lack of desire, but unless she decides to get help I don't know what else can be done. I hope you can get her to go to counseling with you.

LegacyUser

Hi Op.

I have been watching your thread and decided to respond. I have two children (a 5yr old and 3mth old) and have PND and also had it with my first. It's one hell of a relationship endurance test.

I was in shape before I got pregnant with my first, put on 4 stone in pregnancy (not a good idea) and after my pregnancy was left with very bad excess skin and stretch marks around my stomach, It looked hideous and still does! But lost weight after my son was 2, I didn't lose weight healthily and was literally starving myself but It was worth it. I looked and felt great!
In my second pregnancy things were good, only put on 2 stone but problems got very bad very quickly after the baby was born. I lost all confidence in myself, I was so hard on myself, convinced myself that I was disgusting to look at and that my identity had gone with my size 10 jeans never to be seen again. I felt unnatractive to my partner, seeing him gawking at other women just reinforced that I was fat and ugly. I started to resent him, I knew I had to feel good and love myself in order to feel that love back. I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressents

My partner didn't understand,didn't seem to care, didn't compliment me etc. And I felt it too. So I looked elsewhere to feel like a woman should, sexy and attractive.
I got sexting this guy, oh it was so good to be complimented,didn't care about the consequences.. Until my partner found out.
I didn't realise the pain I put him through, I was warped! he didn't care about my waistline, he loved me for me and I realise that now, and i'm very lucky i still have him and that cycle of my life is over and i've learnt a valuable lesson.

My advice to you is to leave, leave for a week or so. You can't continue to be this womans doormat, she'll just keep waring you down until even she is too.

LegacyUser

hershoesnothanks wrote: »

Hi Op.

I have been watching your thread and decided to respond. I have two children (a 5yr old and 3mth old) and have PND and also had it with my first. It's one hell of a relationship endurance test.

I was in shape before I got pregnant with my first, put on 4 stone in pregnancy (not a good idea) and after my pregnancy was left with very bad excess skin and stretch marks around my stomach, It looked hideous and still does! But lost weight after my son was 2, I didn't lose weight healthily and was literally starving myself but It was worth it. I looked and felt great!
In my second pregnancy things were good, only put on 2 stone but problems got very bad very quickly after the baby was born. I lost all confidence in myself, I was so hard on myself, convinced myself that I was disgusting to look at and that my identity had gone with my size 10 jeans never to be seen again. I felt unnatractive to my partner, seeing him gawking at other women just reinforced that I was fat and ugly. I started to resent him, I knew I had to feel good and love myself in order to feel that love back. I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressents

My partner didn't understand,didn't seem to care, didn't compliment me etc. And I felt it too. So I looked elsewhere to feel like a woman should, sexy and attractive.
I got sexting this guy, oh it was so good to be complimented,didn't care about the consequences.. Until my partner found out.
I didn't realise the pain I put him through, I was warped! he didn't care about my waistline, he loved me for me and I realise that now, and i'm very lucky i still have him and that cycle of my life is over and i've learnt a valuable lesson.

My advice to you is to leave, leave for a week or so. You can't continue to be this womans doormat, she'll just keep waring you down until even she is too.

Does that not contradict everything you just wrote?????

I have to say I think people are being unduly hard on this woman, we only have one side of the story. Someone said earlier on about how the whole "body issues" is just and excuse, well if she is suffering from bulimia then no it's not just an excuse. Bulimia has serious psychological implications and can distort your body image greatly. Who are we to say that the woman is using this as an excuse and her husbands porn addiction didn't seriously hurt/upset her, knock her back. We don't know how serious this addiction was.

OP, it's clear both you and your wife need serious counselling both together and seperately, if not for yourselves then for the sake of your children.

LegacyUser

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

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Does that not contradict everything you just wrote?????

I have to say I think people are being unduly hard on this woman, we only have one side of the story. Someone said earlier on about how the whole "body issues" is just and excuse, well if she is suffering from bulimia then no it's not just an excuse. Bulimia has serious psychological implications and can distort your body image greatly. Who are we to say that the woman is using this as an excuse and her husbands porn addiction didn't seriously hurt/upset her, knock her back. We don't know how serious this addiction was.

OP, it's clear both you and your wife need serious counselling both together and seperately, if not for yourselves then for the sake of your children.

No, I have been through a similar experience and have the advantage of looking back on my situation and hopefully help the op. I did treat my partner badly, it wasn't his fault I had body issues, he didn't understand but he wanted to help.
Maybe the op should make his wife FEEL more like a woman and be there for her emotionally.

But how is he supposed to help out emotionally when she thinks he is an idiot and is 'suffocating' her. The op is very very distraught about his wife, he doesn't know how to handle it and is here for advice. I had a very bad view of my partner when I was severely depressed, I didn't want him around, had very little respect for him. It was like one big downward spiral that I could see happening but had lost control over.

I needed something to snap me out of it and risking my relationship over sexting did just that. The op has been told by his wife that she wants him to move out.. so call her bluff and when he is gone for a few days she will realise what she is doing to herself,her kids and her future by treating him so bad. Maybe then she will listen to him and start to open up.

TheBig

OP here again.

My wife is sending me very confusing signals. 2 nights ago we had a massive row she told he she regreted marrying me, regretted having children, threw her wedding band at me saying it was nothing but a piece of "****". This continued for around 30 minutes. I stayed silent throughout most of it.

She went upstairs and came back down 15 minutes later talking about what the kids should have for lunch the next morning.

Today she said that she didn't want a divorce as that would mean there was no going back ever. She also said today that she wished she didn't feel like she did about our relationship and wished things were different. Is this a cry for help?

I have this question for you, with her sending 100+ texts a day to this guy and speaking for an hour or more, would she send this volume if she was also meeting him?

LegacyUser

I know that the texting another man is a huge factor but believe me when I say this... if it is a mental illness your wife has, it's very obvious she needs to be on medication for it.
I've been there,am there now and on medication. She is crying out for help. As soon as I was on anti-depressants I was able to work out the core factor which was my baby weight and was able to see clearly without being in my own little bubble, I was on a self destruct mission.
What she is saying and doing is not her talking/acting at all. PND is an illness.

Without that first step then your going to get nowhere rebuilding the relationship back to a healthy status. I'd also suggest councelling.

There is no point just thinking about her cheating,maybe she is, maybe she isn't but help her as a person. This can't be healthy for anyone in the house.

Be strong.

Taltos

inhershoesalilbit wrote: »

I know that the texting another man is a huge factor but believe me when I say this... if it is a mental illness your wife has

While I have approved this post due to personal experience it is borderline diagnosis which is in contradiction of our Charter, can I please remind all to review our guidelines before posting to avoid bans.

Taltos

LegacyUser

OP. You seem in total denial.

She is texting her ex 100 times a day and going off on 'long walks' every day? Really?

She is clearly having an affair with him, can't you see that!?

She wants you to move out after Christmas. Convenient, so she'll keep you around to mind the kids while she goes off on her six week 'work trip'. She must think you came down the Liffey on a banana!

Come on OP. I would get the baby dna tested as well to establish paternity.

TheBig

Maybe I am in denial.

But I guess I think that this is not the woman I have know for the last 17 years. I need to know what has happened to turn her into this person she now is.

Maybe she is having an affair, but everyone makes mistakes. If its lust I can handle that. If it's love that is different.

I think what is keeping me here apart from the kids, is the look in her eyes when she descends into her rage. I can see the pain she is in.

I am doing 2 things this week:
1. going to my solicitor to prepare for the worst
2. going to our doctor as her mother has bi polar disorder and I want my wife checked.

I should have said before that she has tried to stab me 3 times over the marriage and I worry about what she might do to the kids, How can I leave under these conditions?

LegacyUser

Well getting her to the Doctor is a good idea as she does not seem well.

However, that does not excuse the fact that she is being abusive to you. Emotionally, verbally and physically it now turns out. So you need to contact www.amen.ie for support. Although you might think you are helping her, in reality you are enabling her abuse by silently accepting her behaviour and allowing the children to be exposed to it.

Now the kids. Since there has been domestic violence against you I agree that she should be the one to go not you. And you need to seek full custody of the children. If she gets her issues under control it's perfectly possible to co-parent but nt under the same roof.

It is not healthy for them to be in this abusive situation and it could well lead to big behavioural issues with them down the line. They may either emulate the abuser or you, the victim. They won't learn that it's not ok to live like this and they will think it's normal for people to hurt each other emotionally and physically. They are not too young to understand. Believe me children do see all this and absorb it like sponges.

Your children are vulnerable here. YOU need to be strong for them. Seek counselling for yourself to rebuild your self esteem and learn that it is not acceptable to be stabbed, have things thrown at you and verbally berated. It is very, very wrong for the children to see that. It WILL damage them. You need to get strong for their sakes.

I'm glad you are going to the solicitor. Tell them everything. Bring all your important documentation, bank statements, mortgage details. Keep those in a safe place.

I wish you well and hope your wife can get the help she needs. But I also URGE you to take this seriously. Do not leave the house but think about asking her to and tell her she needs to get treatment and stop abusing you.

Curry Addict

i think i can empathise with where you are at OP. some people have implied that you are being weak in your situation but i would strongly disagree. I think in your heart you feel there is something not right about how your wife is acting and its down to her needing help.
Its a really difficult problem considering you cant reason with her.
id suggest consulting your doctor and someone in the psychiatric profession for a strategy to deal with this.
you need to be strong, gl and keep faith.

TheBig

I don't know if I'm being strong or weak. I do know that its been hell here for the last while. I spoke to a relation of mine who is a medical professional and was told that my wife is almost definitely suffering some form of mental distress. (I'm not saying what as he was torn between two types).

He did say I need to make sure she is never alone with the kids from now on. I may need to get her sectioned if she won't cooperate.

Even if that is the right thing to do, it feels like I am betraying her. I know the kids come first, of course they do. But she was there with me before they came along. Its like I have decide on loosing her to save her.

I have made plenty of preparations for the worst case scenario.

This is so very hard for me to do. I think it would be easier if I didn't love her so much.

LegacyUser

TheBig wrote: »

I don't know if I'm being strong or weak. I do know that its been hell here for the last while. I spoke to a relation of mine who is a medical professional and was told that my wife is almost definitely suffering some form of mental distress. (I'm not saying what as he was torn between two types).

You are a good person in a terrible situation. Your wife is ill. Unfortunately we can't really discuss MH issues here too much but I would recommend you google the internet for support forums of people in relationships with sufferers. It will help you so much to speak with others living in this chaos.

He did say I need to make sure she is never alone with the kids from now on. I may need to get her sectioned if she won't cooperate.

Yes, I agree with you on both of those.

Even if that is the right thing to do, it feels like I am betraying her. I know the kids come first, of course they do. But she was there with me before they came along. Its like I have decide on loosing her to save her.

You are not betraying her. At. All. As the responsible adult here you must give her a wake up call to get help. Her violent mood swings, self abuse (bulimia) and other issues need urgent professional intervention. You can suggest that and try to lead her to it, but in the end it's HER decision. If she refuses help then your priority is to protect the children.

You can not save her. Only SHE can. All you can do is get help for yourself to give you the strength to do the RIGHT thing for your children. You need to lead by example here. If she realises you are serious and will no longer enable her to abuse you and the kids (directly or indirectly) she will have to straighten up. At the moment she is calling the shots and you are jumping to her tune. She is ill, you need to grab back control here. It's very important for your children.

I have made plenty of preparations for the worst case scenario.This is so very hard for me to do. I think it would be easier if I didn't love her so much.

I'm glad you have prepared things. Be good to yourself. This is a devastating time for you. Your family dream is disintigrating. BUT, it's your actions now that can make things better. I know it's so hard but if you truly love her.. (and I believe you do) you must start taking control of the situation.

Get external help for yourself. Urge HER to get help. Stop allowing any unacceptable behaviours from her. If she refuses to stop abusing you/herself/the children ask her to leave. If she refuses, get legal advice and let her see you are serious.

You can't let your love for her override your childrens wellbeing.

I wish you well.

carolmon

TheBig wrote: »

I spoke to a relation of mine who is a medical professional and was told that my wife is almost definitely suffering some form of mental distress. (I'm not saying what as he was torn between two types).

He did say I need to make sure she is never alone with the kids from now on. I may need to get her sectioned if she won't cooperate.
.

This professional told you all this without meeting or consulting/ examining your wife?? I'd seriously question his professionalism..........

sectioning is the furthest extreme end of a diagnosis and not usually a first suggestion, mostly any decent doctor would prescribe medication and suggest counselling and support strategies before they would consider sectioning!

OP has your wife ever been abusive to the children?
If the answer is no there is no reason why she cannot be alone with her children.

If the rage is only manifesting itself within your relationship I'd suggest you think about separation before you even consider sectioning your wife.

Being stuck in an unhappy marriage with a partner you no longer love can bring out huge emotions, rage being one of them.

I think your first course of action is to meet with a mediator and try to work out the best plan for living apart, custody/ access/ maintenance etc.

Living apart will give you a clearer idea of whether this is a mental health issue or a reaction to a stressful situation.

Obviously if your wife is abusing the children none of this applies and you can insist your wife has only supervised access visits with the children. Their safety is the most important.

I wish you well for the future, obviously separation is painful and heartbreaking but you need to listen to your wife and sadly everything she is saying suggests that for her the marriage is over.

Wompa1

stop being a chump wrote: »

OP. You seem in total denial.

She is texting her ex 100 times a day and going off on 'long walks' every day? Really?

She is clearly having an affair with him, can't you see that!?

She wants you to move out after Christmas. Convenient, so she'll keep you around to mind the kids while she goes off on her six week 'work trip'. She must think you came down the Liffey on a banana!

Come on OP. I would get the baby dna tested as well to establish paternity.

I might be showing my cynical side here but all of this is what I thought too. She's playing you for a fool from what I can tell. What job does she do that she can text someone hundreds of times a day?..why not let her go for her 6 weeks and if you can see her phone records you should be able to see. If she only texts him a few times during the whole trip than I'd assume he's there with her...

Better yet, you could say you are will call the guy if the offer still stands and if you notice there's not much text during that period..then you could call him. If you notice a dial tone that suggests he's out of the country too...alarm bells should ring.

TheBig

Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. When you're in a hole like this its hard to see up out of it.

She has not worked for the last 6 years, I have provided for everything. I paid for her to go to college and she has just finished her degree and is starting a job in November. Part of this is she has to go to Japan for 5 weeks. There is almost no chance of the "texter" going with her as he has a job and it's not the kind that he could get 5 weeks off. Also I know what he gets paid and a trip to Japan at a minimum of 5000 is way above his ability.


The medical professional has known my wife for almost all the time I have. My wife has confided in him about her bulimia in the past and about other issues such as being abused by her uncle at the age of 16. This doctor is one of the most qualified people in the country in his field, which is in the mental health area.

Of course he did say that as he had not spoken to her that he can only make a recommendation on what I have said. He said that the fact that she may or may not be having an affair is nothing to do with me ensuring the safety of the kids. But I am thinking to myself how can I report her (I know I have to speak to the doctor) when I know it will mean total war with my wife. She will think I am doing it to make sure she doesn't get the kids.

She has told me he has changed his number as I have the old number. She has also switched to using Eirtext on her phone so there is absolutely no record of the messages.

Is this thought crazy: I am thinking of getting a GPS tracker on her car to monitor her movements over the next 2 weeks to see what she is up to. I know its an invasion of privacy but forget that for the moment. If I knew she was meeting him I think it would almost make it easier for me. If she wasn't, then I would be there to help her try to figure out what is going wrong in her head.

Thoughts and comments welcome and thanks again to you all as some of your writings have either reinforced or changed my thoughts on certain things and also given me a fresh light on this issue. Its very hard when there is nobody to talk to.

Wompa1

TheBig wrote: »

Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. When you're in a hole like this its hard to see up out of it.

She has not worked for the last 6 years, I have provided for everything. I paid for her to go to college and she has just finished her degree and is starting a job in November. Part of this is she has to go to Japan for 5 weeks. There is almost no chance of the "texter" going with her as he has a job and it's not the kind that he could get 5 weeks off. Also I know what he gets paid and a trip to Japan at a minimum of 5000 is way above his ability.


The medical professional has known my wife for almost all the time I have. My wife has confided in him about her bulimia in the past and about other issues such as being abused by her uncle at the age of 16. This doctor is one of the most qualified people in the country in his field, which is in the mental health area.

Of course he did say that as he had not spoken to her that he can only make a recommendation on what I have said. He said that the fact that she may or may not be having an affair is nothing to do with me ensuring the safety of the kids. But I am thinking to myself how can I report her (I know I have to speak to the doctor) when I know it will mean total war with my wife. She will think I am doing it to make sure she doesn't get the kids.

She has told me he has changed his number as I have the old number. She has also switched to using Eirtext on her phone so there is absolutely no record of the messages.

Is this thought crazy: I am thinking of getting a GPS tracker on her car to monitor her movements over the next 2 weeks to see what she is up to. I know its an invasion of privacy but forget that for the moment. If I knew she was meeting him I think it would almost make it easier for me. If she wasn't, then I would be there to help her try to figure out what is going wrong in her head.

Thoughts and comments welcome and thanks again to you all as some of your writings have either reinforced or changed my thoughts on certain things and also given me a fresh light on this issue. Its very hard when there is nobody to talk to.

That's a bit drastic. If I was you I'd steer well clear of that because it's pretty crazy and it could hurt you if you get to the stage where there is a custody battle. Maybe you should suggest to her that she go to the doctor to talk about things before she leaves for Japan. If she doesn't or won't you should consider telling her you are moving out and you demand custody of the kids until she goes to a doctor. You are bending over backwards to save the relationship but ultimately it's her who has it all to lose, not you. All you'll be losing by the sounds of things is a selfish she-devil.

Something a therapist said to me when I was in a relationship with a woman who had a troubled past was that, that kind of trauma doesn't completely change a person, it just exasberates things...these nasty elements of her character are who she is. I think you deserve better

carolmon

TheBig wrote: »

The medical professional has known my wife for almost all the time I have. My wife has confided in him about her bulimia in the past and about other issues such as being abused by her uncle at the age of 16. ....

Of course he did say that as he had not spoken to her that he can only make a recommendation on what I have said. ......

I am thinking to myself how can I report her (I know I have to speak to the doctor) when I know it will mean total war with my wife. She will think I am doing it to make sure she doesn't get the kids.
.

I imagine that your wife has not spoken to this expert in a professional capacity but rather as a friend/ family member by the language you are using.

What do you want to report?
You haven't answered my question... has your wife been abusive to the children?

If not I think getting into the whole area of reporting/ sectioning is crazy and you should just concentrate on separating and both being happier.

The whole tracking GPS monitoring is just creepy in my opinion.

Janet1986

I would definately think your wife is seeing her ex.

It could be that she wonders what life woud be like if she had stayed with him.

How do you know she is going on a six week trip to japan?

TheBig

I bought her the ticket for Japan. Its part of her degree. Only last week I picked up her passport with her work visa. I might be paranoid but she really is going!

She told me this morning that she loves me and cant live without me but that the trust is gone. I said we could try to get it back. She said its too late.

She is in bed sick for the last two days and I have been looking after her. She said that nobody else would do this for her.

It is all messed up. It's like she is torn and can't make a decision.

As for the kids. Number 1 + 2 kids are mostly ignored by her. She only spends time with the baby. She is very ratty with the other 2 and has smacked them lots of times. I have always protested to her about this but her answer is I should support her in disciplining them. She was badly beaten by her mother nearly every day of her childhood and was very very unhappy throughout her childhood. He mother sent her to stay with the uncle who abused her, even though the mother had also been abused by him.

She says she is totally burned out and cant concentrate on anything.

She cant speak about us without crying.

How can I help her or is it too late.

The tracking thing is a bit creepy.

I want to report to the doctor that she is a danger to herself and the kids and me. She has discussed suicide with me and thinks we would be all better off with her dead. She has assaulted me several times and tried to stab me. She has admitted to thinking about driving the car off the road with the kids in it. That is what I want to report.

TheBig

Ok I'm confused now.

I managed to track down the home phone number of this texter who is "seperated" from his wife. Strange thing is the message on the answer machine says her and his name.....

Should I approach his "seperated" partner and see what we can find out together?

Or am I going screwy?

Darkginger

I don't think you should get the other man's partner involved - I think you need to concentrate on the issues with your wife. Having read your latest post - the one thing you have to do, above all others, is ensure the safety of your children. If that means limiting your wife's access to them until she's in a better state of mind, so be it. The relationship between you and her takes second place - the children come first.

I do understand that you don't want to do anything that will irreparably break your marriage, but that concern really has to take a back seat if your children are in any possible danger.

I feel so badly for you, you come across as such a caring man - and also your wife is not necessarily doing anything bad, as such, she's just - from what you've said - not in a great state mentally at the moment. For goodness sake, go and talk to your GP about the whole situation as soon as possible (tomorrow?), and see what he or she suggests.

Once you know your children are safe, then you can address the relationship issues. Again, I feel you need professional help - counselling as a couple, or as an individual if your wife won't go. You do need someone to talk to, and I wish you the very best for the future - you need some support to deal with this - don't wait, do something about it tomorrow.

TheBig

Darkginger wrote: »

I don't think you should get the other man's partner involved - I think you need to concentrate on the issues with your wife. Having read your latest post - the one thing you have to do, above all others, is ensure the safety of your children. If that means limiting your wife's access to them until she's in a better state of mind, so be it. The relationship between you and her takes second place - the children come first.

I do understand that you don't want to do anything that will irreparably break your marriage, but that concern really has to take a back seat if your children are in any possible danger.

I feel so badly for you, you come across as such a caring man - and also your wife is not necessarily doing anything bad, as such, she's just - from what you've said - not in a great state mentally at the moment. For goodness sake, go and talk to your GP about the whole situation as soon as possible (tomorrow?), and see what he or she suggests.

Once you know your children are safe, then you can address the relationship issues. Again, I feel you need professional help - counselling as a couple, or as an individual if your wife won't go. You do need someone to talk to, and I wish you the very best for the future - you need some support to deal with this - don't wait, do something about it tomorrow.

Last night she told me I better waatch out in bed as she could get a knife and stab me to death. I'm going to her doctor this morning and going to sit there until I see the doctor. I have the 2 kids in school and I am taking the baby to "give her a break".

She scared me last night.

beks101

Jesus Christ man, would you wake the fcuk up. Your posts are just increasingly infuriating at this stage.

So your wife has repeatedly assaulted you both verbally and physically, threatened to kill you, threatened to kill herself and most worryingly threatened to kill your children...and yet you continue to post about your concerns that she's having an affair and express vague intentions to report her or visit her doctor.

Would you get a grip. Read the above paragraph again. Read it five times until the reality of it actually registers in your brain. She has threatened to kill your children.The affair stuff is the least of your worries. You are living with a mentally and emotionally unstable woman and your kids are potentially in serious danger, I don't understand how your first impulse has not been to bundle them up and get them the hell away from her until she receives the intensive psychiatric treatment she so obviously needs. Send them off to their grandparents or a close family friend/relative until the point that she is of sound mind, which she so obviously isn't right now. If you're not going to stand up for yourself, at least do it for your kids because you have no reason to not take her threats seriously. How many times did you say she has stabbed you already?

Your love and compassion for this woman is utterly and completely irrelevant right now. Your kids' safety - and if you have any self respect - your own safety - is the matter of priority here and you need to stop enabling your wife to the point where she can make such threats without any consequences.

You need to stop psychoanalysing and theorising and hmming and hawing and take some action RIGHT NOW, get yourself a solicitor, get down to your wife's doctor's office as a matter of priority and let him/her know the serious nature of her illness. The bulimia, the affair, the violence, the depression and most importantly the threats. I can hardly stand to read your updates and the increasingly deranged behaviour your wife is engaging in, there's something so starkly ominous about it and I'm baffled as to how you can't see that yourself.

TAKE ACTION. TODAY.

TheBig

thank you. I have been weak and scared because I wanted to try to help her myself and sort this out.

But I have reached breaking point. I am meeting her doctor this afternoon as soon as she starts her clinic.

I have spoken to the district health nurse and she is prepared to help. Most likely in the next day or so my wife will be given the help she needs in an environment that is best for her.

I have been fixated on the affair (or whatever it is) due to my own stupid pride. But I know that last night when she threatened me that if she had had a knife she would have used it.

I have arranged for the children to be looked after when they finish school and the baby is with me now.

Even now I am doubting myself but I will be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks and I will try to keep you all updated.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Your wife has clearly some very serious issues. Asking an internet forum for advice on some affair or keeping us updated is really not the appropriate action you need to be taking.

You need to contact your GP and ask for assistance immediately - threatening your life and those of your children is very, very serious and something we are not qualified to advise you about.

All the very best